Forum topic: Forgetfulness and Anger: Need Advice

Sat Apr 9th, 2016 - 5:49pm by Fish01

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

For those with an ADHD spouse, I really need some advice. My husband has severe ADHD and, as a result, is very forgetful. I can never rely on him to remember anything (found out that the hard way: late bills, forgetting to renew his driver's license this year, etc.). I realize that this is just something I need to help him with, and I usually just do everything for him or give him consistent reminders for the things I can't do. However, when I remind him to do things, he gets angry and accuses me of nagging him when in reality I am just trying to ensure that it gets done. Today, I tried doing something for him that he has put off for nearly a year now even with many reminders, and he got angry at me, telling me that "he would do it later." How do you all handle forgetfulness? Is there a system that works for you all (ex. writing it down, reminders, etc.)?

 

Also, is anger/outbursts an ADHD symptom or something else entirely? Regarding his forgetfulness and any other situation that upsets him, my husband has these outbursts where he will yell, slam doors, etc. This can be a real issue considering we live in an apartment with neighbors above and beside us, so everyone is able to hear whenever we have a disagreement.

 

My husband does not take medication for his ADHD after trying many, many brands and experiencing bad side effects with each (depression, loss of appetite, exhaustion, etc.). He also has refused to seek any sort of counseling, so I am searching for solutions, as our marriage has been suffering lately.

Comments

Submitted by CosmicJoke on Fri Apr 15th, 2016 - 8:01am

Sadly, those extreme outbursts of anger are common for many ADHDers. It's called "emotionality", should you want to google. 

If you read enough of these postings, you'll see that some spouses manage to take over all the finances/paperwork etc. Some are less successful. The severity of ADHD is so different from person to person. The underlying reality seems to be that the ADHDer has to get to a point where s/he accepts the situation and accepts help.

Wishing you well...

Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on Sun Apr 17th, 2016 - 4:30pm

I could write a book on this! Together total of almost 8 years, married with kids 3.5 years. The year I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I decided to take over doing EVERYTHING for my spouse including all his business bookkeeping b/c I was afraid he would screw it all up b/c like your H he forgets to pay bills all the time. It got me NOWHERE except feeling like his mother which is not sexy and we fought all the time b/c I was a nag in his eyes. BILLS---When my second daughter was born I announced I would only be focusing on family bills and he needed to give me a certain amount of money each month or tell me where to draw it from. This has worked well. I include paying the car insurance, his car registration and his phone in this lump b/c these are things important to me since he drives my children around. But I had to let go of keeping track of the drivers license (which he looses on occasion due to non renewal, revoke from not paying tickets etc....) and told him if he ends up being hauled off to jail for not having a licenses (which has happened) I would be picking up my kids and leaving him in jail. He pay what matters to him and suffers the consequences. It sucks b/c I have to let him sink or swim but it is better for our relationship. He never hired a bookkeeper so now he is 1.5 yrs behind. I am going to catch it up then start filing married filing sepreatly in 2016 if he does not take care of the problem, I loose some deductions but gain my sanity. Loosing stuff---he looses a wallet, phone, key, every day. When we are going to travel I already am prepared in advance to accept he will loose something and know there will be an outburst of anger over it. One thing that has helped is knowing it will happen and having a fedex account! 9 times out of 10 when he looses it we can find where he left it and have it fedexed to wherever w are. Again this is his bill he pays so if he cant use the account b/c he did not pay then it is his problem. I am no longer afraid to call out that he suffers his own consequences and while I do take care of a lot b/c we have kids, not taking care of the little stuff is a huge relief. APPOINTMENTS----he never remembers them. but i have found success with a linked google calendar. If it is something he needs to do he uses a google calendar. I linked my google calendar to his and only put stuff in there that effects our family. Such as "birthday party for our kid at 10am" or "our anniversary dinner 5pm" it pops up on his computer or phone and emails him an alert. I cannot say it always works but it works better than a paper calendar on the fridge that he never looked at. It is so frustrating to be married to ADHD person but I feel like you have to in an adaptive manner like it is a handicap the person has. Try different ideas and when one works stick with it. I find if it is a routine thing like doing something daily he remembers better than if it is a Tues Thursday thing. He takes the kids to school every morning and he is now very good at it and likes it. When we first started this I thought he might have a heart attack over it and he was very angry. I later figured out he was afraid to do it b/c he thought he would screw it up. But doing this has made him connected with his kids and involved in their lives. Sometimes you just have to put up with the temper tantrum and ride the anger wave and when it is done they realize they were wrong or you find out there were reasons for the anger that had nothing to do with you.

Dipity's picture

Submitted by Dipity on Mon Apr 18th, 2016 - 6:27am

I hear you mainly. I'm lucky that mine does take concerta (I don't think in the correct dose but still he does take every day) 

On its own the meds are not working. Hubby has taken his eye off managing his adhd from the couples counselling course we took.  While we were going through that and actively talking about managing symptoms and responses things between us were better than they ever were. Communication was great and we were working on things together.  

 

Fast forward a year and the learnings from the course have been forgotten by him and his behaviour is slipping back to what it was.  I will say not as bad, (yet!!)but he is largely not present again, I see his relationships with others are deteriorating, his anger is getting more frequent in its outbursts, he is feeling sorry for himself and obviously not working on anything to make his life easier and happier. 

However... I still re read all our counselling and am doing my absolute best to not react negatively,  not to parent him,to make sure I look after myself and my well being, to validate him when he has treated me respectfully or achieved something he planned, and to treat him respectfully and without parenting or anger when he messes up.  Late in life I have discovered that I can't fix anyone, that I'm not responsible for how he treats his adhd and that I can only live my life to the best I can be, that I'm a work in progress.

Little things help me.  Offloading on friends when his chaos is too much. Loving myself when he isn't present. Reminding myself daily that my journey is going well and validating myself. It's REALLY hard to remove yourself a bit from their adhd. I have to remind myself that adhd is only a part of him and I have to be patient while he figures all this out. That being said there are limits and I can only take this journey I'm on and hope that he at some point follows or I fear he will be left behind in his own little world. 

Hang in there and learn as much as you can about adhd. Look after yourself x