So if you read an earlier post of mine from this morning you'll see that H once again didn't go into work today. He had a root canal appt at 10:45 but I see his text to his boss this morning at 4AM stated that he had a dentist appt at 7AM and didn't know how long he would be. Okay...a 7AM dentist appt? They don't even open around here until 8AM! He never did call or text after that about not going in even though he never went in to work. How does that work?! How does this man still have a job??
So anyways just now as I was cleaning up after dinner he tells me "Yeah I just couldn't get myself up for work this morning thanks to you bringing home that Fireball whiskey on a Tuesday. You NEED to bring that stuff home on Friday's not during the week okay." So it's MY fault that you had too much and couldn't get yourself up??!! I should have known that you couldn't drink it during the week? Was I holding a gun to your head and feeding you shots? You drink 4 or 5 beers every night and get by fine! You drink whiskey and water all the time and get by fine. But you do a few shots of fireball and it's all my fault? I say to him "Oh really? it's ALL MY FAULT?" He immediately goes into pissy mode and goes "I'm just asking you this one simple thing. Could you please do that from now on?" I said "I can just go ahead and hide it from you" and I barely could get those words out before he goes "No how is that going to do any good? You'll still be drinking it". Really? Says who? So you don't want me to hide it from you but if it's there you're going to drink it. And it all comes down to being my fault you couldn't go to work! Classic!
How Frustrating
Submitted by Dipity on
Grrr - Perhaps you could also make a pinata as a filing system??
Same thing again this morning!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He gets up at 4AM, gets dressed, goes out into the kitchen then apparently feels like he should text his boss with yet another made up reason he couldn't come in and comes back to bed and is currently still there as I am about to leave for work. I wonder what the excuse is this time? The dentist botched the root canal and he is in extreme pain and didn't sleep at all and therefore can't go to work? The dentist wants him to come back in today to do more work on it? Possibilities are endless. Oh and when I asked him how it went yesterday he told me it was great. He was out in about an hour and he has no pain.
You have no control
Submitted by jennalemon on
If someone is regularly missing work because of alcohol, they have a drinking problem. If you want support with that, find an AlAnon meeting and get there today. He doesn't have to be an alcoholic....just...if there is drinking in someone's life that is causing you problems, you get support. Sounds like you could use support. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it.
He has always drank a lot and
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He has always drank a lot and even when he feels crappy he still goes to work. There are nights when he is slurring his words but yet still manages to get up at 4AM and go to work. Just this particular time he seems to feel it was MY fault for bringing home a bottle of alcohol which he then HAD to open and continually pour shots of it for himself!
He always drinks a lot
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper,
I do agree that it sounds like your husband has a drinking problem. Particularly as he cannot stop himself from drinking during the week, and then he blames it on you. I also agree that it would be a good idea if you would attend an Al-Anon meeting. Seems like you might be enabling him by buying the alcohol and having it in the house where he has easy access to it. Believe me, I'm not blaming you. I'm just wondering if this is a pattern you are both in that supports his drinking to the point where he is slurring his words? Might be something to consider.
I agree that I am enabling
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I agree that I am enabling him. I am also enabling him by not saying anything when he doesn't go to work. He always finds a way to turn it around on me so it does no good to argue. If I get on him about not going to work he'll say that he just can't handle his manager right now and needs a few days off or nobody treats him well at work so why should he go. Then will go on about how great my job is and how everyone gets along and is nice and how if he had it like I did he'd go to work. And how if I were in his shoes I'd be doing the same thing.
I just need some kind of
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I just need some kind of validation that I'm not crazy! He always twists it around on me and then I think "Well maybe he has a point" which I know is ridiculous! He never feels it's wrong or if he does he'll go "I know, I will start going to work every day from here on out" which lasts maybe a month and then he's back to the same old crap.
40 something adults don't DO this do they?? If they do they certainly still don't have a job! I bet if he worked anywhere else he'd have been fired long ago.
Mapper, you are not crazy and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, you are not crazy and you are not enabling your husband. The only enabling that I see going on is that coming from his employer, which probably would be well within its rights to fire your husband and has chosen not to do so. The only thing I can think of is that because your husband is only paid for hours worked, some manager has figured that the employer is not yet losing much if it's keeping your husband on staff, if the work otherwise is getting done and his work is adequate when he's in.
I assume your husband is mobile and could buy the alcohol himself and that you did not unscrew the top, pour the drink, and force it down his throat. He's just using you as an excuse because he knows what he's doing is wrong but he's afraid to face the fact that he's screwing up.
Yes he is VERY mobile! I mean
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Yes he is VERY mobile! I mean he even said he was going to come to bed in 10 minutes and then a few minutes later went into the kitchen and poured himself a drink because he can't play video games without a drink nearby!
Certainly not crazy!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper,
You are certainly not crazy. However, it' seems that your husband is teetering on the edge in more ways than one. It would be surprising that no one at work finds out that he is not a dedicated employee. In the meantime, I really encourage you to take good care of yourself. You deserve it!
Day 3 of H not going to work!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Yup...like I didn't see THAT coming! Tells me last night to go pick some carrots from the garden and he'll take those into work tomorrow. I thought "sure you will" but went and picked some anyway. Then after dinner he says "Please make a container of leftovers for me to take for work tomorrow". I'm thinking "Oh sure you'll be going to work" but I made up a container of it anyways. He comes to bed about 9:30 last night saying that he just got a text from his daughter's mom saying that D can't come up for her scheduled weeklong visit on Sunday because she has to babysit and now has moved it to Monday instead. I'm sure he was upset that the daughter is once again setting her own visitation with him and he is losing time with her so his excuse this time (I'm guessing) is that he will tell me that he was up tossing and turning all night because he was so upset about that and didn't get ANY sleep. And of course if I bring up to him that he stayed up all night one night a while ago for no reason yet still made it into work at 5AM the next day he will immediately discount that as "well that night he wasn't tired at all so going in wasn't a big deal but this time he just couldn't even think straight". This is why I never broach the subject with him anymore because I will NEVER be in the right.
He got his whopping $650 check yesterday and gave me $300 of it. He told me last pay period that this pay period he'd give me his full share of the mortgage from LAST month, which was $550. Once again he can't pay me. He is years behind in what he owes me for bills and rent.
He tries to portray to his daughter that he has all this money (he actually bad mouths her mother because SHE never has money!) because he is always buying her these ridiculously expensive gifts that she just HAS to have and then tires of them a few weeks later. He can't pay his share of anything but he can buy her a $400 PS4 system! I would absolutely LOVE when she is here next to tell him in front of her "It sure is tiresome paying for your share of everything because you never go to work and can't pay for anything". Oh how he would be so angry with me but it sure would feel good to put it out there for her to see!
Onto day 4 of not going to work!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Yup...saw this coming all weekend. We went out to watch the World Cup finals with friends yesterday and he kept telling them 'I've got to get home early because I have to get up at 4AM for work tomorrow". The more he told them this the more I figured it wasn't going to happen. Oh how I would have loved to say in front of them "Oh you ARE working tomorrow huh?" One of the guys asked me if I was going to drive since H had quite a bit to drink and H replies that he'll drive. I tell him that I CAN drive and he goes "But you don't like to drive." No I said "In fact I very much enjoy driving, but don't like driving when you are next to me because you criticize me the whole time". That shut him up!
So we go to bed at 8:30 (and he wasn't drunk or slurring his words so that wasn't an excuse!) He was tossing and turning a good part of the night. Got up went into the living room, came back to bed and read and heard him sighing loudly trying to get to sleep. About 2AM he turns off his alarm and goes into the other bedroom. Well guess who isn't going to work! He was fast asleep this morning when I left.
And there is absolutely no way I am going to win the argument if I say to him tonight "Gee no work yet again today huh?" He will immediately get defensive and go "Didn't you hear me up all night? I was tossing and turning and I know you heard me because you turned over. I sat up reading for an hour and then had to go into the other room and finally got to sleep at like 4AM". No sense in me saying that he stayed up all night once and went to work at 5AM because he'll tell me that was different because he was wired and wasn't tired whereas this time he was super tired and there's no way he could work. And there's no sense in me telling him how often I go into work really tired because I couldn't sleep due to his alarm going off 5 times between 3 and 4 AM or due to him snoring or simply because I couldn't sleep. One morning I think I had food poisoning from the shellfish the night before and was up sick but still dragged myself to work. He'll say "You have it easy at work. You get to sit behind a computer all day. I HAVE to be functional as I am out on the factory floor all day". Or he'll give me half a dozen other reasons like his stomach hurts, his knee hurts, he has a headache, he needs to go to the doctor, etc.
And he looked absolutely ridiculous when we went out yesterday. He says he's this super confident guy who knows he looks good and he doesn't have to be a fashionista to look good. Do you know what he wore? He wore plaid shorts with a plaid shirt! I was so embarrassed to be seen with him. Really? Are you blind? I know you are color blind but surely you can see that you are wearing two totally different plaids! I didn't say anything to him because I hate when he tells me I need to change because I'm wearing "farmer jeans". Mostly because there's no bling on the back pockets! Yet looking at what he is wearing practically sends me into seizures but I don't say a word.
just an interesting observation
Submitted by dedelight4 on
It sounds like your husband has a real issue with alcohol. (just my opinion) But, he says a LOT of the things my ex son-in-law used to say when he was more interested in drinking or getting drugs than he was going to work. I saw my SIL bombed out on drugs or alcohol to the point of not even knowing where he was. And this was with a baby in the house. My daughter couldn't leave him alone with the baby. I SAW IT, first hand, and it was a terrible thing to see. He is a serious addict and is now in a methadone treatment facility. But, he used almost every excuse your husband has used to "get out of" work. He lost a lot of jobs that way also, as well as getting fired for drinking/ drug use. He also blamed EVERYTHING on someone else, and my daughter ended up his "enabler". She loved him and was trying to help him, but she had to get out, because he really didn't want help. He just wanted to keep on doing what he was doing. (he even admitted that to me) He ALSO got to the point to where he just looked "bad". (the way he dressed, his hair, complexion, etc) He hated himself, but he couldn't stop doing what he was doing, until he was MADE to stop, and still my daughter had to leave because she gave in too much to him. (sounds like me and my ADHD husband) This has been part of the fallout from our lives with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.
I think your husband KNOWS he is not in a good place, but he can't stop doing what he's doing. And just like me, if my husband can get me to feel "guilty" about something, he doesn't have to face himself. That's been a hard one for me to admit to myself, but I had to, and now I have to confront him with it. He will probably blow his top, but we can't continue this way, and it sounds like you are in an uphill battle as well. I'm so sorry. I wish you the very best.
I don't know if there has
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I don't know if there has been a day that has gone by since I have known him where he hasn't had a drink. There were a couple of days when he had a bad cold where he didn't but other than that there's always drinking. Even when he feels horrible the next day....bylate afternoon he's at it again.
He goes on and on about our neighbor who smokes a lot of pot due to some condition he has. Says how the guy doesn't have a job and his wife must make a living for both of them because he just sits home all day and smokes and his wife just enables him. Does he not see that this is EXACTLY what he is doing...except he has a job and just chooses not to go to it??!!
adhd and substance abuse
Submitted by shuttingdown on
Yup....day 5 of not going to work!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I got home last night and H was in bed. He got up within a couple of minutes and didn't say more than 10 words to me in the first hour I was home. He was acting all sick. He tells me he has felt like he was going to throw up all day. Tells me he's been burping and pooping all day and only had 2 pieces of pizza and a hard cider all day and then dumps half the cider he was drinking down the drain in front of me just to show me how sick he is. Aw poor baby! Let me get out my little violin and play it for you! So now it wasn't just that you couldn't sleep all night it is now that you have just felt HORRIBLE all day. Then he sits around while I make a batch of pasta salad. I'm in the next room for 30 minutes making it and he has no clue. I get done and come into the living room with him and a few minutes later he goes to the fridge and goes "Oh when did you make this?" Um just now. He goes "Oh that sounds good and makes himself a big bowl of pasta salad and golly gee if he isn't already feeling better! He isn't acting sick at all and is joking and eating. He tells me he has one more sick day he can use tomorrow if he isn't feeling well. Gee I'm sure you won't be feeling well will you?! He cries wolf so much I don't know when he actually IS sick anymore! He just got his vacation and sick time renewed on his anniversary at the end of May and it hasn't even been 2 months and his sick time is gone and god knows how much, if any, vacation he has left! Now 10 months for you to take off how many unpaid days before you can take paid days again.
Maybe, just maybe, if he would actually do some projects while he was taking all this time off it could at least amount to something, but he hasn't done one thing. He had a 3 days weekend over the 4th and now a week off and hasn't touched the fire pit project that I keep hearing again and again "Oh we have GOT to get this done". If I hear that one more time without any action being taken I will scream. Add that to continually hearing about how we have got to learn how to pickle and how I need to look up how to pickle and I need to buy a picking kit. Notice how he says WE need to learn how to pickle but I have to look up how to do it and buy the kit! I have no desire to learn or do it. If you want to do it fine, but don't sit there and tell me that I need to. He has no patience with looking up how to do it so I should. A week off you could have had that done and a new gate put on the fence. Or you could have diagnosed what is wrong with your motorcycle. Or you could have gone to Lowes with your $100 gift card you keep saying you are going to go use and get materials for stuff but you don't leave the house. There was a house for sale two doors down when we bought ours and the guy moved in about a month later. That guy has been working non stop on his house and it looks great. H keeps talking to him saying" Oh yeah we're going to get to doing that here too pretty soon" I can't help but laugh and think "When? 10 years from now...if then?
It is to the point where I don't get mad anymore. He almost seems to find it funny how upset I get with him not working. I think I have to just push my anger away because if I don't it effects me in every other aspect of my life. I can't focus at work or at anything. It's gotten to the point whereI just don't care anymore. I know that I will have to pay all the bills and the mortgage. I know that he will just get deeper in debt. I don't want to divorce him. In fact, I just don't have it in me. I would honestly feel bad about the whole thing. I just want him to go to work everyday like every other person I know. That shouldn't be much to ask of a 46 year old man!
The magic wand we do not have
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
I think of my own spouse, who does not drink - and has never had a drink. Nor smoked. Nor took any sort of illegal substance. His behavior was described by one of our counselors as a Dry Drunk.
We want to inspire. We want to be the reason. We want to uplift. We want to somehow someway get them open their eyes. We want them to do better. Or do different. Or acknowledge. Or understand. Or seek for help to change - but they so desperately wants an authority figure to acknowledge that who they are is OK, fine, just dandy.
Yep, my spouse, WHO he is is a grown man, a business owner, a husband, a dad, a brother, an uncle, a creative soul . . and yet somehow that all got lost and he is stuck in this bitter angry shell. Look from afar, and everything looks status quo. Get close, try to get near, try to be a partner, a lover, a friend, a helper - and his defensive shell keeps me at a distance.
I can understand the dilemma. I can't get myself to step over and out of feeling I would be betraying him if I left/separated/divorced.
I do not need permission. I just need something I yet do not have.
I just checked our phone
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I just checked our phone records and see H got a text from his boss about 10:30 this morning. H replied back right away. I am dying to know what was said and I will check his phone when I get home while he is otherwise occupied. I am betting his manager said "So what's been going on? Why haven't you been at work?" to which H most likely replied "Oh I've been having REALLY bad back issues and have barely been able to get out of bed. Should be in tomorrow though". And he won't go in tomorrow...he'll just give him hope that he'll be there. Funny though because this whole thing started a week ago with him not able to come into work because he had a dentist appt. and has turned into this whole other thing.
I'll let everyone know what was said after I get a chance to look at the message. Any bets? This whole situation is so sad that it's become comical to me and I mine as well laugh than cry. I even try to Google "Husband has job and doesn't go to work but doesn't get fired" to see who else out there has this problem and nothing comes up. There's plenty of "Husband won't get a job" or "Husband can't keep a job" but nothing like what I'm dealing with!
I do believe we are up to day 6!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Once again the alarm doesn't go off at the usual 3:30 but for some reason he has set it for 5:30. He hasn't gone in late to work in at least a year and if he isn't out of the house by 4:30, he isn't going. Well I get up at 6AM and he gets up shortly thereafter and goes to the bathroom and crawls right back into bed. I leave at 7AM and he rolls over and tells me he's about to get up and head to work too. Riiiiiiiight! He gets out of bed, puts on his robe, pours himself a cup of coffee and goes and sits in front of the computer. Yup, it sure looks like you are on your way out the door.
Oh and then last night I was blamed for yet ANOTHER thing. Once again he says "Arrghhh we have GOT to get that firepit done". I said "Yup WE sure do". Well me commenting on it set him off and he goes 'I don't know what to do!" Funny becasue 2 months ago you had the whole thing figured out and it jsut needed to dry up! Followed by "We just need to go rent that tiller at Home Depot" and then that is followed by (remember he JUST came to the conclusion that we need to go rent the tiller) "We need to hook up the trailer to the truck and go get it, but you can't drive a f****** stick shift (which is what our other car is) so the truck is never available to me to do it during the week when I'd like to do it and on the weekends I just don't feel like doing stuff for whatever reason." Nothing like being sworn at because I can't drive a stick shift, which is a car he said we were going to get and he was going to teach me how to drive it which he has yet to do. Oh and then there's the fact that you haven't gone to work in a week and could have taken me to the train station any morning this past week so you could have the truck but you didn't. You could have been working on it every day this week and you didn't. And did you REALLY think you would go rent this tiller after work one day and then finish the job and bring it back the next day, since we pay by the day? You wouldn't even touch it!
Just went onto Facebook about
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Just went onto Facebook about 9AM and saw a bunch of posts from H and saw he was currently online. I sent him a text "I thought you were heading to work"? No response and a few minutes later he logged off!
Oh and I forgot to tell you what the text from his manager was I saw yesterday. His manager said "Hope you are okay. I didn't have a leave request from you for June 26 and 27, am I missing something?" H texted back how he had told him such and such reason that he was off do to medical reasons and that he must not have remembered. How in the hell does he cover up all his lies?? And how can he not text his manager or call attendance saying he's going to be out and STILL have a job?! Some days he texts his manager and some days he calls attendance and some days he does nothing. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!
Just went onto Facebook about
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Just went onto Facebook about 9AM and saw a bunch of posts from H and saw he was currently online. I sent him a text "I thought you were heading to work"? No response and a few minutes later he logged off!
Oh and I forgot to tell you what the text from his manager was I saw yesterday. His manager said "Hope you are okay. I didn't have a leave request from you for June 26 and 27, am I missing something?" H texted back how he had told him such and such reason that he was off do to medical reasons and that he must not have remembered. How in the hell does he cover up all his lies?? And how can he not text his manager or call attendance saying he's going to be out and STILL have a job?! Some days he texts his manager and some days he calls attendance and some days he does nothing. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!