I don't even know where to start. I am just so frustrated with dealing with my ADHD husband. We've been married almost 30 . The biggest issue for us is his emotional dysregulation (anger) and communication issues. I am constantly interrupted and stifled. I cannot express anything without being talked over, interrupted or argued with. We did the marriage sessions, which is an 8 week course. He's always too busy with something. It took us one year! And we don't practice any of the strategies Melissa taught. He has been promising to get treatment but has been unsuccessful. It is extremely difficult to find someone who specializes in ADHD who has immediate appointments and takes insurance, most do not. I can't believe how much money these people charge! We bought the books, did the sessions and he had a hard time finding a therapist and finally found a doctor to prescribe medication. He can't take most ADHD meds because of high blood pressure so he tried an SSRI. He had bad side effects so tried another. I asked him if he felt it was helping ( I noticed no difference). He said he stopped taking it! It had only been 3 weeks! I told him it may take that long to see results so he started again.
I'm babbling. He works a crazy schedule and recently had to a take over his parents affairs because of their declining health. This has caused him tremendous stress because he's not good at it. I have always been the one to pay the bills and managed our household finances and now that he is responsible for theirs it's just another thing taking up his time and causing him stress.
Everything comes before me. We go days without meaningful conversation, he falls asleep on the couch most nights and I'm ignored. When he's not ignoring me he's nasty, argumentative and defensive. I cannot talk to him about anything. I can't express my unhappiness or frustration because he will just interrupt and argue and get defensive. I will be shut down. I am just so sick of this. He is generally apologetic and wants to make things right but nothing changes. I am losing my patience and I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one. People do not know about his ADHD. I don't want to tell anyone because it would violate his privacy. So what do I do?
Frustrated!
Submitted by Lama2020 on 11/25/2023.
You've forgotten who you are
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
You've forgotten who you are because you have to be everything to your husband. Do you ever think of your life before all of this, when you were a girl at school and what your own aspirations were and this has all got lost in the daily firefighting and neglect of an ADHD relationship? We all have stress don't we? We all have loads to carry. Do we behave as an ADHD does by making it all so much worse, or do we pile on their ADHD issues to our daily burdens too? We definitely do.
if I were you, I'd take a step back and look at who you were before which is who you truly are as a person rather than what he and this marriage has made you become. I would also start opening up to people about his ADHD and stop keeping it a secret which is yet another burden you're carrying around, I know that I have to do a lot of mopping up and defending if my husband because of how he treats people.
You may feel it's all been taken away from you, but you do have the power to change your life and if he won't come along with that, then that's a bridge you need to cross. Whatever happens, don't let this sink hole of ADHD pull you in and down, because it will.
Not forgotten
Submitted by Lama2020 on
I appreciate your response. I have not forgotten who I am. That's probably why I am able to cope. I have other things in my life, my own career, my kids, etc. and I think that helps take my mind off of him and the ADHD issues. But I am human so it gets to me.
I agree though that I need to be able to share some of these issues with someone else. It's hard dealing with it alone.
He really is trying to make an effort. We have talked since I posted this and he is sincere. It's just a very slow process. I'm choosing to have faith.
I am sorry you have been
Submitted by Exhausting on
I am sorry you have been going through this for such a long time. Your experiences resonate with my own so I can sympathise. I feel that self-awareness is poor in those with ADHD and I think this is due to poor executive functioning. In my opinion, they shut you down because it keeps them in control of what they can control. Taking them out of their comfort zone causes stress which, as you have mentioned, they do not deal with well. Please remember this behaviour is not your fault; you have not caused this bad behaviour or encouraged it. I firmly believe that the yelling and anger outbursts give their brain that "hit" it needs to feel emotionally satisfied - like a drug. (It has taken me a long time to realise this is a physiological symptom). They also feel things very intensely which is why their reactions seem so out of proportion. At least you get an apology .. this is something I haven't experienced! All the very best to you and stay believing in yourself.
Yes!
Submitted by Lama2020 on
Yes I agree! Self awareness is poor. The truth is, years ago, before kids and all the stressors of life, things were better. Sure, there were ADHD symptoms, but it was manageable and didn't interfere or cause so much pain and chaos as now. I think he has realized now that stress results in him behaving poorly. Emotional dysregulation is a big issue for him.
He had an opportunity to take on extra work the next few weekends. and after discussing it with me he realized it was too much. Before, he would have jumped at it, thinking only of the extra money, and then he would have been a miserable person to be around because of the stress. Now I think he sees the effect of taking on too much.
We didn't realize he had ADHD until about 10 years ago. It's been a journey.
I can really relate to where
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
I can really relate to where you're coming from and their lack of awareness. It seems almost pointless to try to make them understand one of the things that may help is to create your own support. And doing things for you that might not involve fixing him and his issues. I feel your frustration in not having anyone to talk to and feeling on your own about these things. One of the things I want to do is stop focusing on him so much and knowing he won't be the man I need so I must look for those friendships and support elsewhere.
I appreciate your response. I
Submitted by Lama2020 on
I appreciate your response. I definitely need to get more support by talking to others who understand.
The problem with 'ADHD recovery' process is ADHD
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Any new process that requires continuous focus over an extended period to succeed will likely founder on his resurgent ADHD. Once the immediate novelty is gone the entire concept vaporizes for the ADHDers.
I finally gave up
Submitted by Jimbo on
You express the same experiences I have had over and over and over. Among professionals the observations are plentiful, the solutions are few. I finally realized after 14 years that things are not going to change. I think I had to stick it out so long to be sure. We took Melissa's class years ago and I have sought out as many resources as I could find. I just couldn't achieve a degree of contentment at home that I feel I need. My wife and I separated a few months ago. I care very much for her but I can't face retirement with this. I cannot continue to live with her. It is a true feeling of helplessness to confront this disorder in a spouse. No matter what I did her behavior would seem to shift to defeat me. She wouldn't keep taking the medicine no matter how many times it was proven essentiaI. I place too much importance on the martial relationship to simply accept it and keep trying even though she was putting in half the effort. I wish I had words of encouragement but perhaps that is what these are. Marriage is work but this is absurd!
I'm sorry it didn't work out
Submitted by Lama2020 on
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I do not want my marriage to end and I still have faith in it and him. It is difficult though. There are days, like when I posted, when I am at my wit's end. Then there are days when I'm hopeful.
I also see things from your
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
I also see things from your perspective. I gave up after 11 years realising no amount of medication, counselling or anything else were going to change this situation. I do pity my husband for those aspects he cannot change, there comes a point where you have to start making decisions that are in your own best interests because every decision so far, puts someone else first. It's utterly draining and so hard to explain to someone who isn't going through this on a daily basis. You are not alone and it's ok to end this relationship, and it's ok to put yourself first.
I could have written this
Submitted by Wheretonext on
I could have written this myself. It's exhausting. We've been married for 44 years, diagnosed last year. It's like walking on egg shells and no amount of pleading that he stops sulking after an argument helps. I am seriously considering whether I can carry on. I too have no one to talk to as I can't bring myself to tell anyone how much I have allowed this to affect my own mental health. I used to love meeting new people but my husband gets over excited in company and can then drink too much. I don't look forward to anything any more.im not sure his ADHD medication is working albeit a small dosage as he didn't experience any additional befits when it was increased.
Without boundaries we easily become the Slave Laura...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've found in my own life and experience's (read here often) that the traits of our spouses are very similar....They desire control...They desire (demand in some cases) attention/enablement...They are easily addicted...They are easily invalized...They will use a person up w/ no empathy, remorse, and seemingly little care or awareness...They are mostly self absorbed/selfish and real victims when it comes to answering the bell for their responsibilities in marriage...Also they hate the mundane work that life requires in the home and relationship...
If this is the reality of our lives....We must have boundaries in many area's of life...We must be able to SEE the limitations when it comes to sharing w/ this mind type....
Without Acceptance of this reality we lose our lives quickly....We have to be wiser!
Blessings
c