Forum topic: Frustration! Hands tied!

Sat Aug 30th, 2014 - 11:31am by Hope to peace

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
I have been reading and learning and trying to turn my attention back to me and what I need to do to survive this (vs what she needs to do). But it is so hard when she continues to learn nothing and keeps putting me in unhealthy dynamics...namely parent/child dynamic....for which I am really trying hard to work against! So here is where this week worked out: WE have been in the middle of buying our home, where we live and run our business from (a child development school). It has been a very long process with many delays (not good for someone with ADHD in terms of holding their focus). Since my credit is better, the home will be in my name and they are looking at my credit, etc. WE/I have been told not to buy anything unnecessary and to not use my credit cards except for justifiable emergencies. SHE, however, is free to use hers! And use them she does!! She has a 7 year old and it is back to school time. This week I observed her on her iPad a lot and closing it out as soon as I walk in the room. As well. I saw her looking up shoes online. When I ask her what is new today, she says "oh, nothing". Ya right! I can guarantee that in the next few days many packages will appear at our door....clothing, shoes, jackets, for her son...FINE....would I have liked to be included in this...sure, of coarse...but I can let that go. The thing that gets me, is I will bet anything that along with shopping for her son...she bought stuff for herself! As well she told me she asked her son what he wanted to do with his last weekend before school and his comment was he wanted to buy a new xbox game....she asked me if I was okay with that. I new she was lying!!!.....next thing I know there are 3 new games (that I know of)....SHE is staying up late while I sleep (all of a sudden her acid reflux is acting up) and she is commenting on how long it has been since she last played xbox. Who were the games really for?? And here I stand not being able to buy anything!! So WE can buy our home! I ask myself how I got talked into all of this! When did she express to me that we would be in this as a team and How did she lead me to believing her? This week we have been extremely distant! And she asks ME why I am distant. I wan to say "because you have made all these choices and decisions without me and have spent money on you and your son when you know I cannot and this kills the team!" But she would just lie and say she did non of that and get mad that I seem to always blame her and never take responsibility for myself and my actions. TELL me....what could I have done differently? I didn't say anything about my assumptions or what I think might have happened (based on consistent actions), I accepted that I agreed to do this and it is just my decision that has led to her being able to buy stuff and me being financially frozen. I can't help that this type of behavior sets us apart and not functioning as a team...as a couple...as grown up adult partners. And I also can't help that her looking me right I. The face and lying to me creates a distrustful and betrayed feeling for which....why wouldn't I pull away! Why would I snuggle up to her when, there is a very good chance, she looked right at me and lied to me...or told me some half truth! As it has been in the past, she tells her son to not tell me that they bought something....a new game....or stayed up late playing the new game while I slept (and I mean late...like til 2 in the morning). So then that creates a THEM AGAINST ME MENTALITY"......like they are the siblings who are in it together to pull the wool over moms eyes. I DONT WANT TO BE THAT TO HER!! I WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO BREAKS THE RULES WITH HER! THAT IT IS HER AND I AGAINST THE WORLD....NOT HER AND HER SON AGAINST ME! I am working so hard to not be in a parent child dynamic, but SHE puts me in that role and it really breaks our bond. It breaks our connection and it waters down and changes who WE are......who we were last week. I hate to say it, but the weeks her son is here this always happens! The weeks he is not here we can be more of an equal couple and she tends to do more work at joining us together and seems to view us as one. United, in love, etc. the weeks he is here...it is her and him....and I am some one to get around...someone who stops or blocks them from having fun and being happy. Maybe I am wrong....maybe she didn't buy a bunch of stuff....maybe she really did buy only a few games for him.....but I doubt it! And isn't that the shame right there....that I can't ask and trust I will get a truthful answer or that it won't turn into a fight to deflect the problem onto me! Isn't it a shame that I can't trust her to be in this house buying situation with me!! And that I am just waiting for the packages to arrive and wondering what lies and excuses she will tell me looking right at me! And that I won't be able to say "LIAR". And that really ....I dint care!! Just fuckin tell me the truth and involve me!! DONT PUT ME IN THIS STUPID PARENT CHILD DYNAMIC for which I am working really hard at avoiding! STOP! I AM NOT YOUR MOM! I am not the fun buster :(

Comments

Submitted by Hope to peace on Sat Aug 30th, 2014 - 2:17pm

The thing is....how much is her and how much is a symptom? I guess the largest frustration is that the symptom(s) stop us from talking about the specific challenges in being together. Stops us from growing as a couple and stops me from being able to share where I need her help in understanding all of this. In order to stay some what sane, I tell myself "not my circus, not my monkey". But then....what are we? We go about our individual lives ..muddling through together....ending the day in each other's presents...but really living two separate realities. She with her choices, her son, her ex, her friends, her family....and me with my choices, my children being grown up and on with their own loves my lack of friends, and my family gone due to her pulling them into lies (pre-medication) and them now not trusting me or her. Her personality being so grandiose that my family listened to her and didn't come to me before it was too late, and now they want nothing to do with me and are gone. Her with her world....and me alone in mine. Not even being able to talk about this with anyone, because it is too complicated for them to understand. I am either with someone who has these issues and have no control over my life, or I am free to be in control of my life and on my own living in an empty relationship, using so much energy to not be associated with her and the decisions she makes. Ducking from her and focusing on my own day and choices. As if I am single and on my own.....but not really single and on my own. One foot in and one foot out. Trying to avoid ADHD because I have no power and control and pretending it dousnt affect me.....but then being faced, nearly daily with the reality that it does affect me. I asked her this morning if she might be willing to try and read 1 Hot Spot a week (rather then feeling the need to read the entire book). She said she would. I asked what might be the most respectful and kind way to say something if I notice she might not be following through and she said "just tell me that you notice I am doing something else, or just ask me if I read hot spot #...or what hot spot number I am on". Unfortunately, I don't believe either of those solutions will work. But at least I asked and maybe...just maybe...she might do it. Though I do not have high hopes. I wish I could. There are so many challenges is our little relationship. I wish we could talk about them, address them, and come to an agreement that represents us both...that represents who WE are and then know the agreement will be followed through and supported to succeed. It's sad to know that in that moment she may very well mean it.....but it will soon be gone.

Submitted by Hope to peace on Sun Aug 31st, 2014 - 11:23am

I realize everyone leads busy lives and has their own burden to carry. So I guess I am using the place as my own personal diary, not really expecting a response or even any doable advice. I use to write in a diary but then felt so hopeless because there was no chance of anyone ever bearing witness to the lonely and isolated experience. I guess writing here there is some small chance that someone will read it and know. In my personal growth with all of this I am recognizing more and more how the issues at hand are not all due to The symptoms but that the symptoms affect growth, healing and dealing with the issues at hand and as a couple. I understand better now why I wake up feeling so confused about our life together and the continual issues coming back time and time again. Like the movie Ground Hogs Day. As a mature adult I thought we would know better and would address each issue together...hand in hand...united...tight...lovingly...respecting each other enough to take each other's point of view and create OUR point of view. When I choose to get in this relationship with someone who had a young child (where my children are grown) my friends asked if I was sure I wanted to do this all over again. I responded, yes...because it will be different with us. But if we can't talk about how we want to successfully blend our families ....or even if we do talk, she dousnt remember....then it can't be any different. I can try and ignore ADHD (as she successfully does) and just live in the moment and go with the flow and take care of myself, but then an issue arises and there is no dealing with it and ADHD becomes a major factor. Issues unique to her, to us, to our life....and there is no dealing with them. Or dealing in a healthy successful, connective and mature way. I can ignore it and then, for example, I see how she allows her son to rule the house! To have a sense that it is her and him and I am what? Just a guest? To see how at 7 years old he and her are like playmates and she his serpent and either his equal or his lessor. He was sitting in her space in the couch last night and she came in and playfully said "get off my couch" and he ....at 7 years old, replied "you mean your spot on the couch". And there was no reply from her. As well, he spilt food on the couch ..OUR COUCH...and she told him to be careful, at least until it is old...then he can spill all he wants. wHAT AM I? Chopped liver?? Don't I have a say in how the house we run together is ran? NO...he is 7 years old...he does not get to eat on the couch...OUR new couch...our couch that is not going to be old for a long time!! NO...at 7 he does not get to decide first where he is going to sit and the adults get told where they are going to sit! He will always choose to place himself between us and give me the lessor side! He will choose to have the spot where the two of them snuggle close and share the foo5 stool while I am at the far end. A typical blended family issue....that comes up every other week (the weeks he is here) that can never be remedied because no matter how much we talk about it the week he is not here and she hears me and agrees....the week he is here, she has forgotten! And with each week he becomes more and more bossy, spoiled and righteous about his power and control of this house. She says she wouldn't do that because her ex did that with the other, older son and she dousnt want this child raised that way. But she is stuck in the idea that if she just dousnt make him a sandwich at 2am (like the ex would do for the older child) then she isn't doing the same thing. What she is unable to understand is that it isn't the ACT of making a sandwich at 2am it is the intent behind it....and my partner has the same intent, it just manifests itself in different ways. So...I can ignore the ADHD symptoms...until there is something that needs to be talked about....and then it affects me!! What is life going to be like as he gets older if he is allowed to be this in control at age 7?? How long am I going to be able to deal with the feeling that the weeks he is not here I fill in his space and the weeks he is here I give him his space back.....that he returns and his rightful place right next to his mom has been kept warm for him and now he takes it back and I become the third wheel. And then when he leaves, she wants me right back by her side, as if nothing has changed. With each week I personally grow farther and farther away from her because the pain is too much and it is easier to stay disconnected then to constently give up my spot as her wife. Hell, the weeks he is here she even makes business decisions with him around the school we run. She and him close up for the night, decide the meals to serve the children and which pictures to pos on the Facebook page. I think she sees this as a way to incorporate him and help him to feel included (since the school is ran from our home and some children can feel their space is violated...even though our home is set up in a way that living quarters and school are separate). The thing is....she never talked to me about how we can better incorporate him. She just does it on her own and the two of them talk about how he wants to be included. Then I just witness it!! And sometimes I hear him respond to her in the same way I would! Okay...imitation is the highest form of flattery....but not when it feels like he is just taking my spot next to my wife and business partner. No...it just isn't handled correctly. And there is NO working on it...because I am the ONLY ONE working on this relationship! I am the only one reading about the symptoms Nd ordering the work books and doing the work books! She says why should she do them when I am; that I will just tell her when I come across something important. While she looks up fun stuff, understanding her son, and her other personal issues. Ya.....I want to just drop it all! I want to just pretend it dousnt exist.....and then I get faced with an issue that can't be worked on because of the symptoms and it all of a sudden becomes my problem to fix alone or to some how be involved in. What a shitty way to live, and for what?? I have to ask myself, is she really worth it?