What happen's to the nervous system of adults who allow the living of lives, not their own, to have a repeated negative impact on themselves? People who we chose, by association, (spouse, parent, child, friend) to engage with, who's words, and behaviors a lot of the time can be wrong, intrusive, abusive, but are excused, justified, and for the most part never truly owned, and may be delivered w/o remorse, or apology?

There are many symptom's we can experience by choosing to stay in, and engage with, this type mind and this type environment...After being married for 30 years and finding my self widowed...This current 16 year marriage has caused much pain for me...Especially in the first 5 years, before acceptance or her reality, and boundaries were placed on myself....A few things I experienced in those first 5 years....Anger, (felt lied to!) walking on egg shells in an attempt to avoid RSD flare ups, a constant fight inside me, attempting to ward off being used, controlled, or manipulated, dreams that I was drowning right off the edge of a shoreline w/ people all around, but, no one could hear my cries for help!

The past 12 years the self centeredness of her life has more and more taken her into the private and independent life she demands...Where the only thing her action's show I matter to her about is things like: My faithfulness to the responsibilities of life,....(Bill's paid, meals, cleaning, someone to ask for favors when irresponsibility catches up w/ her....Nursing her through trauma and injury when her thrill seeking mind, gets her injured...etc...

Why do I stay? Well I have stayed because one of us was married....So why did I file for a divorce recently? For me, it came down to who is benefiting from us living in the same house, and what about this relationship is God honoring? The answer from a God honoring perspective is, no one....There is no submission to the gospel lived out by her...Only selfish and independent desires, which has always been the next shiny thing the world has to offer her mind...So when there is no conviction of heart to love and discipline one's self to honor their vow's, then there is nothing honorable being lived out....Takes 2, always has, always will...

She also has been living 4 years or so in the guest room, and thinks it's perfectly fine to use my faithfulness and efforts like she is on a permanent vacation...So the paperwork of the Divorce, is nothing more than than placing her in the reality of her chosen life style...

After 15 plus years (I asked her to move back to her empty house in May 2024, she refused, so I filed for divorce in Nov. after she showed very little progress in moving out) I found myself in strange water's...I was done, my heart was broken, I have experienced a lot of anxiety, loneliness, and abandonment...I'm an HSP, and I love deeply....I'm not looking to marry again...But, I'm not ever going to allow someone to force me to live out the day's the Father allows me as recluse...There are to many responsible and kind people who just need a friend to share in times of their life....And even if I live as a recluse, it will be by choice, not at the hands of an uncaring person....

Blessings friends...

c