About 3 years ago at college, I met a guy and we became best friends. I noticed his behavior was a little strange but I didn't really mind, as he was nice to me. He fell in love with me and he used to be really sweet so with time, I fell in love with him too. We confessed these feelings for each other and all was going well until a friend of his transferred over to the college and he started ignoring more and becoming more distant although he still spoke to me at times and he still had that sweet personality. But him ignoring me caused me to pull away from him little by little because I felt like he no longer had interest in me. And one day he said something that really hurt my feelings and he didn't even apologize for it so I decide to completely shut away from him. After a few months of not talking to him or seeing him he emailed me to tell me he missed me. So I started talking to him again but not everyday like we used to, only through email. And he told me he had ADHD and also had a learning disability. At the time I didn't really understand much about those things, but still hurt by his behavior the previous months, I decided to be just friends with him and nothing more. We kept talking and we saw each other at college but not as much as we used to when we first met. This was a year ago. We graduated college this year and at the graduation he told me that he loved me still and he missed me and I love him as well so I decided to give it another shot. I started talking to him everyday again as we used to but I noticed his behavior change again. Over the summer he started ignoring my text messages. When he answered, his replies were more like one word answers. I asked him what was going on,and asked him why he was behaving this way because he had told me he loved me. He told me he saw my texts but forgot to respond and told me that he only loved me as a friend and that he should have told me. He told me he was going away on vacation and he would appreciate me not texting him as he wouldn't have time to text me back and that he wouldn't consider being in a relationship with me but would rather be my friend. And of course, I felt hurt again. He led me on again to then let me down. A month later there was a project he needed help with. I decided to help him and again he told me he missed me and started telling me things to hint that he liked me, just like when we first met. He started initiating texts again. When he was done with the project he started ignoring me again. And when I tried communicating with him he called me annoying and to stop acting like his girlfriend. He also told me he wants to find a girlfriend, that's not me. I was just trying to be friendly with him, I wasn't even flirting with him. He says these things out of the blue. I have never done anything to hurt him and I've only been nice to him, so I don't understand why he would hurt my feelings like that. Imagine the person you truly love saying that to you. It hurts. Since then, he has never initiated a single conversation with me. I talk to him everyday to check up on him because he feels depressed. I also miss him a lot and I feel very very hurt by his actions. He tells me he doesn't have time to really text me and he forgets because he's with "his other friends or family". I feel like he doesn't even consider me his friend when he says that. I'm very much in love with him. I truly care about him and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault because I should have dealt with his adhd behavior sooner and just try to work things out instead of not talking to him for all those months. I've been doing a lot of research on adhd in hopes that he'll be interested in me again because maybe there's something I'm not understanding and even if we can't be together, I want to be a good friend to him and be there for him as a friend should. As I said, I love him so much. And I try not to tell him how I feel when he does these things because he'll feel criticized. I also encourage him to do the things he likes and I'm there for him when he's down even though he's not there for me. I know I can't force him to love him but I thought it was worth a shot if I started to learn about adhd. I sent him an email after all this about how much his friendship means to be. But he doesn't respond to anything nice I say to him. Is he just not interested in me at all, even as his friend? Or is he behaving this way because of his adhd and learning disability? I really need to know because I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so hurt. He seems to talk to me more whenever I encourage him and whenever he gives me the "silent treatment" he tells me it's because he's depressed, but I'm not sure. I want to believe him. Which is why I'm asking here. He used to be more attentive when we first met and now it's just me being there for him 100%. It seems like he has mood swings too. He does have long conversations with me sometimes and we joke around. But if I stop texting him for like a week or 2, he won't initiate the conversation not even to ask how I'm doing. Is his behavior like this because of his adhd and learning disability? If it's not, as much as it hurts and as difficult as it will be, I feel like I'll have to let him go.
Hi full moon 2...You have many red flags here....
Submitted by c ur self on
ADD/ADHD isn't responsible for adults with deliberate actions...I think you should move on, you are asking for disappointment in my view...I dealt with some of these same non-interest vs hyper focus moments before I got married also...Your comment about loving him and wanting to be friends would be very unfair to you and the next man who might fall in love with you.. You are already wanting to make excuses for him and I see mothering tendencies...Please realize you were created to be respected, loved and cherished....Not used or continually abandoned or lied to on whim.
He told you he is looking for a girlfriend...So, let him... Bless her heart:(
Hi,
Submitted by fullmoon2 on
Hi,
Thank you for taking time to read my post and answering. I will take your advice. It will be difficult because he's the only "friend" I have as I've always been the quiet/timid type of person and he was the person who I'd talk to the most. But I think it's better to move on than to constantly feel down because of his actions towards me; it will be worth it in the end. Once again thanks for your response. Blessings to you.
fullmoon2
Submitted by sunlight on
He has enough respect for you that he did tell you that he is looking elsewhere instead of leading you on as he easily could have done. The ADHD may mean that he has trouble sustaining relationships but he has not blamed it, led you on anyway, and then run around behind your back - this is a better way to move on than to discover later that you'd been betrayed. So, he's not a bad person, he's probably not very mature yet, and you're not a bad person either - it just didn't work out this time. I agree that you should let him go, put it down to experience, and in the end you'll be fine.
sunlight
Submitted by fullmoon2 on
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and answering. I'm in the process of taking those first steps towards moving on. I must say it's very difficult to let go of the person you love, I miss him every single day, but I'll get there eventually. Once again thanks for your response.
Hello, I know it's been too
Submitted by GallowPeacer on
Hello, I know it's been too many years since this post and it may sound necroposting, but I currently have the same story as you have, I'm a college student, and my friend has ADHD symptoms, such as ghosting, not giving attention, saying I love you, and all the stuff you said, exactly what just happened to me, he hasn't spoken to me the entire summer holiday after our 3rd year of college ended, and I didn't know what is going on between us, he always reply with a single comment saying he's busy with his family and stuff and he can't text me all the time, but then later on he goes on a vacation with his friends after I saw them post their own picture on Instagram, I felt like I'm left out, betrayed and hurt, at that time I didn't know he had ADHD, so I intentionally moved on and stopped replying to his text on the day of the vacation, after few days, he deleted all his social accounts, I didn't know what happened, but I realized that before the day of vacation was his dad's death memorial who died an year ago, after then, I started searching on google about my friend who is being strange all of the time, until I realized that he has ADHD, I felt really guilty for not replying to his texts, which he used to also not replying to my texts "ghosting" for a year, (we had a year friendship between us), so, then, what do you think I should do right now? I'm thinking of moving on and stop giving attention to him, since he has ADHD, and I shouldn't overwhelm my own shoulders and that I'm also hurt that he always kept ghosting my messages, I'm really sad right now that our friendship has to end, and that it's because I have no friends and he's the only friend I ever had in my life.
Friends
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello, I'm moved to hear you seem to have lost some of the connection with your only friend.
Being in a different situation, I just want to offer my sympathy and maybe a thought.
Friends are hugely important. It's just as heartbreaking to lose a friend as a loved one. There is one thing I've found about friend relationships that put them apart from romantic ones though. Friendships get better the less exclusive they are.
If you approach an acquaintance with intention of becoming closer, that person is generally more positive to it if they perceive you have other people in your life. Breezy tales of having done fun things with someone else, or passing on observations, anecdotes or jokes makes you seem socially interesting and self-sufficient. That is a good starting point.
It's always hard to put too heavy expectations on friends. I think with your friend who is inconsistently available, the best thing you can do is keep a little distance, but not cut him off. The friendship might still be rewarding for both of you over time.
I suggest you go out and see what other people interest you. Join in with groups. Listen to other people and find out who they are. If you like someone, don't be afraid to let it show. Chances are you can collect several friends who each can share experiences, joy and intimate thoughts with you. Instead of hoping this friend will change, or breaking up with him, make him one of several friends.
Best of luck to you. You are young and I'm sure you have many happy experiences ahead of you.