Submitted by Ms.mary on 05/27/2011.
My husband use to be very affectionate. All while we were dating, and engaged and for a while in our marriage. During the past year he has become less and less affectionate. When I asked him about it, and explained how important it is to me, he said that he can't really be that way anymore because of his ADD. I asked him why he had no problem holding me before bed, or cuddling with me before. He said that he was never able to sleep or relax, and that it was always this way.. he just hid it. I try to be understanding and put it into perspective, but I find myself being hurt a lot. What can I do?
This doesn't make logical
Submitted by SherriW13 on
This doesn't make logical sense to me. Did he know about his ADD before, when you were dating? Is he treating his ADD? I would be hurt too...especially if he's done it before and now claims not to be able to. If he cared enough to 'rope you in' then with affection, then he needs to care enough to 'keep you happy' with it now. If he could 'fake' it before, then he can put for the effort to 'fake' it again (I use that word lightly, because I don't buy into it). He's got you where he wants you, he feels, so now he doens't have to do anything that would make him have to exert his energy he'd rather be exerting somewhere else. Maybe?
I feel for you
Submitted by yyq on
I know how this feels...it's so painful. He has a whole slew of excuses, some harder to hear than others. There's also making fun of me for wanting to be close. I try really hard to detach- it's not personal, right? But that's the hardest thing to wrap my head around.
Attention and Love
Submitted by jennalemon on
Animals need attention and love to be a good pet. Children need attention and love to grow and thrive. People need attention and love. It is one of our basic needs. We can't use any of the coping skills we might have or pretend it is there when it isn't. We can't MAKE someone give it to us. If we aren't getting attention and love, we aren't getting attention and love. Attention and love are GIVEN. We NEED it. I am sorry you are not getting it. A lot of us on here are not getting attention and love. It is why we are on this site.
"Attention is the most concrete expression of love. What we pay attention to thrives. What we do not pay attention to withers and dies." Karen Maezen Miller
Any hope for this?
Submitted by yyq on
I keep telling myself that I don't want to be the sort of person who can't stand on her own two feet. I feel guilty for needing what feels like, but probably isn't "so much attention." My ADHD boyfriend gets so frustrated/hurt/mean when I bring up that I need something or feel neglected that I end up feeling bad for saying anything and I get stuck in that well of self-doubt- where somehow I always end up feeling like a jerk because he's so baffled and sad that I'm criticizing.
I know it's no good to ask "why aren't you attracted to me" and I feel like such a loser saying (usually through frustrated tears while I'm trying to hold it together) "I'm upset, so it would be great if you could say something reassuring." Especially since he usually gets so angry. A GOOD outcome is when he asks "what do you want me to say?" Does ANYONE have a coping strategy for ASKING for what feels to me, and probably most of you "nons" out there like the basic stuff you do for someone you love? Or do I just have to give it up?
Information is power.
Submitted by mhsta1992 on
first of all let me make it clear to those other commenters who think that we ADDers are a bunch unloving bastards who found an ADD badge somewhere and are now happy to blame everything on that. that is not true. ADD is real, and it does affect our relationships in ways we don't want it to. in the begining of the relationship ADDers are able to hyperfocus on their loved ones and give them all the attention they need( perhaps even more). but as time passes the brain creates a tolerance for the other person (and no, it is not the sign that he has lost the love he has for you), so it becomes more and more harder trying to focus on his spouse, especially if he has something else on his mind.
the reason your husband becomes so defensive when you talk about these problems is because he is reminded of how broken he is, probably reminding him of all the problems ADD has created for him in his life, and it turns into anger. this is very common among people with ADD (for me, it sometimes turns me into a monster). the best thing you can do is is inform him of his disorder in a way that doesn't make him feel like a disabled person. I suggest him visiting sites like this and other sites where people with ADD can talk and express themselves.
after you are done with acceptance of your problem, then you can move on to your problems with the relationship.
I hope I helped.
Thank you for posting
Submitted by newedwrds on
Yes, your input helps a lot. Thank you for taking the time. The original posting was not mine, but I can relate. It's comforting to know it's not me.
I have read a few of the post
Submitted by aoe316 on
I have read a few of the post and most of have been from women, most of the replys have also been from women who's husband may or may not have ADHD. I am a male with ADHD and let me tell you it is not your fault. But it is not his either. You see I am also like your husband and things are similar in my relationship and I would love to be able to do things to make her happy more often. People might say well just put more effort in and just try harder. Believe me we would if we could. Also his meds (if he is on any) would have a huge impact on his sex life also. Some good advise, if you are trying to get some make him think its his idea. Do this slowly by touching him but it does not have to be in a sexual way. I respond better when I know my wife is not trying to get some and she is just trying to be nice. It may work and it may not but i hope nothing but the best for you both. I know this is hard on you probably even more then it is on him. This is because we dont have the capasity to dweel on the bad because we become even distracted from that, That is intill we hyperfocus on the bad which makes us feel like absolute trash because we can not satisfy the woman we love as much as we know she should be.
Thank you as well
Submitted by newedwrds on
Thank you so much for taking the time to help those of us who are confused and in the same situation understand. It is very helpful.