well... here I am. And hello. I need help, I need support... I am SO tired. I've been married to an amazing man for 27 years. ADHD has entered our marriage for the past 3. Although it has been present always, we've just KNOWN about it for the past 3. And in fairness my partner's symptoms while present and I can recall times it surfaced, it has only escalated in the past several years. We have REALLY been on the struggle bus lately and we had a HUGE fight today and we are at the point where we need to start doing some serious work. So there's the landscape. Here are my main issues:
clearing the path...to my detriment: I KNOW i do things that are not helpful but sometimes are just easier if I just do them... IF we had children I would have not been a helicopter parent, but a BULLDOZER one. CLEAR THE PATH. I do everything in my power to make my husband's life easier... as when his life is easier . so is mine. But that has been at my expense. I know that and I know that is not a good coping mechanism. It is exhausting and it's set us up to fail. While his life has as much ease as possible - mine is NOT easy. I "do all the things" and I am exhausted.
shove it down so I don't get a bad reaction: if I say something or ask if something is going to be done or question an action or task... it is interpreted by my partner as criticism. This one has become a HUGE deal. I also realize this is why he has not stayed at a job in recent years very long. He's NEVER happy and NEVER appreciated enough by an employer. He has successfully run his own business for YEARS in the past, seemingly quite happily, but he is not good at taking direction. Having said all that - what it causes me to do is NOT say anything. so I don't set him off. He reacts poorly and often hurts my feelings. He does not intend to and I know that. But it does. he's not abusive.. he is just angry and very defensive and sees it as criticism and offers excuses or the good old "well, I just won't do it at all if I can't do it right" so I have been conditioned to just not say ANYTHING
What kind of mood are we in today: cue the eggshells - my life is dictated by his mood. So I am constantly on vigil.... that's not fair to me.
the other ADHD common issues, finances, time management mildly impact our relationship but not nearly to the extent as it does others. these two are less common issues for us.
I grew up in a family that fought all the time. I think as a result of that I do the opposite and are COMPLETELY conflict avoidant.
I have a counseling appointment next week - and I have asked that he see a counselor as well and he is open to doing the work . He is on an anti depressant and while that has stabilized his high high and low lows... Im not sure the meds are truly helping his overall mental well being.
I need support from people who "get it" - this is all so brand new to me, currently reading Dr. Orlovs book and probably will participate in the self study. I have also read ADHD & US as well as "Is it You, Me or Adult ADHD". Truthfully BOTH of those books leave me feeling exhausted and slightly hopeless.
thanks for the ear, getting it OUT sometimes helps... but I would appreciate any insight anyone can offer
Hey you are doing the best as
Submitted by Ap on
Hey you are doing the best as you can. We the non ADHD partners feel exactly as you do. We simply don't know what else to do and how. Right now I am just praying for a miracle... or forget about every last 13yrs and move forward. And it is really sad too to know your marriage failed just for not seeking treatment consistently.
Appreciate the support AP -
Submitted by MRA on
Appreciate the support AP - just to know others are going through similar circumstances is helpful.
You will find understanding on this forum. Welcome.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Has your husband been diagnosed with ADHD? If so, does he have medication prescribed? If so, does he take the medication consistently? When was the last time the medication prescribed was reviewed by a doctor for continued efficacy?
Your 'walking on eggshells' existence sounds like it could be Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Find articles by William Dodson and others by Russel Barkley (emotional dysregulation).
I suggest reading:
Driven to Distraction
Edward Hallowell, M.D. and John Ratey, M.D.
thank you for the reply....
Submitted by MRA on
thank you for the reply.... Yes and Yes - yes to diagnosed... in the past 3 years. And Yes to meds... Wellbutrin first - which was GREAT .... and then caused a MASSIVE seizure and so he immediately went off that. He's been on Prozac since then. He does take it - It regulates his moods better. Doesn't seem to cause many side effects. Recently I've just hit "my wall" ... ie. my cup is empty and have jumped in the deep end of research which lead me here, and I have ADHD & US and Is it you, me or ADHD books and both Dr Orlov's books and Driven and Delivered to Distraction on the way! I get those any day now. I am just now understanding the RSD and the emotional dsyregulation. Which are probably our biggest issues. He does take on too much and will stress himself out and spiral out mentally... depression can be triggered - but NOTHING like it was 3 years ago on that front. Truth right now is we need to work on our communication skills. And I need to ease off on my over functioning and enabling behaviors. We have created this bad dynamic and habits now that we understand what is going on - we need to address it and cope better. It makes him upset that I still have that "Egg shell" approach... are we going to have a good day or are we having a bad day. But he understands I've been conditioned for that for years. Some of my emotions and feelings that came out REALLY surprised him yeserday - he had no idea I was feeling that way... because I DON"T speak up - because it usually gets a bad reaction from him - So I am working on that and some self care for me. I NEVER make that a priority and I don't know why. Time/Effort/$$ who knows - but I'm working on that. Finally..... We had a REALLY bad day yesterday - but came out the end of it on the same page. Which I grateful for - we are about to start the self study w/ Dr Orlov and work on this - Hoping we can put up some guard rails and keep us on the tracks!!!!
Eggshells
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I have taken the Orlov course. It is very helpful for working on communication skills. I recommend reading the book (both of you if possible) before taking the course and then re-reading it as part of the course. My approach will allow you to familiarize yourself with the topics and concepts before you have to 'work though' them during the course. BTW one of the topics (Ch. 5?) is about the non-ADHD partner NOT doing 'everything' so as to keep the ADHDer away from meltdown. It is not easy. During my 26-year marriage I would wake up everyday and quickly try to get a sense of 'The Stability Report' (what was happening for ADHD spouse today; what was happening with everyone else in the family; what could the RSD impacts be on the ADHDer based on the inputs from her and everyone else's schedule) before trying to plan whatever I needed to do that day. It was exhausting. And it never stopped. Ever. I understand the 'fear to speak up'; based on the RSD experience whatever the issue I might bring up would be immediately overwhelmed by the RSD Rage. We'd spend days tamping down the repercussions of the Rage outbursts and the 'original thing' would be completely forgotten. Except by me. Again and again. Forever.
MRA
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hugs.
welcome
Submitted by mutedsonos on
I empathise with everything you've said from my own ongoing experience. It's hard to keep that cup full or to want to keep it full after the angry and spiteful outbursts.
I'd never heard of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria until someone on here mentioned it, and it's so fitting and something I will do more research on.
Did you find the symptoms/outbursts got worse from diagnosis/medication? I was re-considering this again only this morning as I took my mind back to the time 6 years ago when I met my now-husband, to how he's changed since diagnosis and constant medication. The change is like night and day - the man I met was light-hearted, made me laugh, cared about my feelings, considerate... and now he is angry, grumpy, spiteful towards me to make me sad purposefully, manipulative, gaslights me, hasn't made me laugh for as long as I can remember. All of this is behind closed doors and in front of friends, he acts as the model husband.
I find it so good to get how I'm feeling off my chest on this forum, but it does also worry me that it's not going to change reading other's experiences and if I will ever find the man I met again....
Maybe it's the loss of 'hyperfocus'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
It sounds like the differing attention level you now receive is related to the ADHD symptom of loss of 'hyperfocus'. When you were first met you were the 'bright new shiny thing' that he focused his attention upon. After a certain amount of time this 'hyperfocus' dissipates and the ADHDer no longer gives you that focus. Now, when he is in front of your friends, they get his 'hyperfocus' and receive the personality traits that you no longer see in private. Your experience drops to be a 'pit crew member' who is fated to keeping reality functional for the ADHDer with little or no regard for the toll it takes on you.
Hyperfocus
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree. I was going to suggest the loss of hyperfocus as well. My husband treated me well in the early years. I had zero qualms walking down the aisle - I was so sure we were a great match based on how we were together. But when hyperfocus was gone, that was over. Who I actually married bears little resemblance to who I thought I married. And there's no getting that back because that isn't who the person really is day-to-day. It feels like a bait and switch and it honestly takes a long time to wrap your head around (at least for me it took a long time).
Melody - are you still with
Submitted by mutedsonos on
Melody - are you still with your husband now and if so, how do you manage day-to-day dealing with not being the object of hyperfocus?
I feel like I'm living a lie as everyone thinks my husband is so wonderful as they see such a different version of the monster that I have to live and deal with.
Hi muted
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I left him after 20 years about a year and a half ago. I didn't do very well with the loss of hyperfocus. I am a pretty independent person so my expectations were pretty low... I asked for so little and got so much less. At first I tried to recapture what we had, but there was no success there. Then I tried for years to get him to see the issues ADHD was causing. No luck there. Finally I tried creating a life without him. I got my own circle of friends and added new hobbies. However, I just wondered why I was married to him at that point. There were no positives left.
I think if the ADHD partner can't or won't see the problems and is unwilling to put some work in, there's little we can do on our own as the non-ADHD spouse. The core of the issue lies with them.
My husband sounds much like yours. People love him. He is truly a hilarious person and wonderful in social situations. However, he was a terrible husband in every way after the first few years.
Are you feeling like you want to stay or leave?
My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't wish this kind of marriage on anyone and I hope you can find a happier place. ♥️
Hi Melody
Submitted by mutedsonos on
95% of me would like to leave but that 5% still thinks I want to try and keep going. I want to see if I can get him to joint counselling to discuss these issues with an impartial party. I know him going on his own doesn't work as they only get his side of events and he comes back to tell me that his counsellor agrees i am the problem LOL
Going together would be the final effort so I know i have done everything I possibly can to try and save this marriage and in the vein hope he might revert back slightly to more of the man i married.
I can deal with the mess, leaving cupboards open, forgetting to do some household chores etc. but I cannot live with the constant moodiness, angry, being blamed for everything because he doesn't take any accountability for his actions. Even his family have noticed the change in him and have asked me what i going on.
Ultimately do I have hope it will work.... no.... but I just need to try and if we do get divorced, never look back and think what if...
Last ditch effort
Submitted by adhd32 on
I think you are on the right track. As you say, if things don't work out in the end you have made every effort. Go together and give it a firm deadline so you aren't strung along with promises to change that don't materialize. Let him know this is it, the end of your herculean effort to save the marriage, and allow him to decide if wants to commit to putting in the effort. Prepare yourself to follow through. You seem realistic about the likely outcome and are probably ready to face whatever may be. Good luck, I hope you find peace,
Perfect relationship
Submitted by LouiseP12 (not verified) on
Sorry to rant
RE perfect relationship
Submitted by MRA on
Hi! Well at least you've found comfort in the commentary. I know it's SO hard. For me it was not the loss of hyperfocus as some have tried to helpfully suggest. It's more of what you are describing. EVERYTHING is a criticism. (it's NOT). I created a parent/child dynamic for so many years... and now I feel guilty because I am changing the rules. Now as he is genuinely making an effort to "handle" his stuff... when I do try to help out he's insulted. I am really trying to work on my communications skills. But I continue to be pretty exhausted - it's a constant roller coaster... are we having a good day or a bad one? I am happy to report recently we've been on a good run... but because of YEARS of conditioning... I have a deep seeded sense of DREAD waiting for the next rough patch... I know that's on me and a narrative I can control - but I can't help but feel that way. I find everyone's support here helpful - and just to know you are not crazy and that others experience similar issues. And quite honestly just to be able to get it out... no apologies for ranting this is a safe space!!!
Thank you
Submitted by LouiseP12 (not verified) on
Thank you
ditto!!
Submitted by tiptoethroughtulips on
I hear you! I've been married for 32 years and although I have seen some ADD behaviors through the years, these past few years have been really stressful. Eggshells. Jekyll & Hyde. Interrupting constantly. Blaming me for everything. I am frustrated, stressed, and exhausted. He refutes the idea that he has ADD/ADHD. He will not seek any type of therapy or evaluation and if I bring it up his reply is that he doesn't want the "stigma" and will not take drugs. It's a dead end conversation. I keep hoping that something he reads (I have given him several books, including M Orlov's) will trigger him and he will have an epiphany and realize how hurtful and disrespectful he has been and then he will beg for forgiveness - or at least be sincere and apologetic. And then we can move towards healing. I just feel stuck. I feel like if that epiphany never happens, change will never happen and I need to decide if I can stay or not. Right now I'm leaning towards not.