Submitted by brandguy on 08/03/2023.
I'm 51, diagnosed with ADHD about 12 months ago and have been married for 24 years. I just found this community and I'm afraid it may be too late. The effects of ADHD on our life and marriage have been substantial over the last few years and even as I type this my wife is sending me texts telling me that it's over. She barely believes that ADHD is real and keeps saying that I'm using it as an excuse for bad behavior. I've started listening to the book and feel like it's literally my life. I don't want to get a divorce, this is devastating. Any advice?
Been There a year ago
Submitted by mobilejoel on
I was in your exact position a year ago. I was kicked out, living with my cousin, trying to sort out the "effects" and what I could do about it. It took some soul searching and lots of "re-framing" (which still continues) but my 27+ marriage feels intact, better than ever.
Whether your marriage survives, take care of yourself first. It's like the oxygen masks on an airplane -- get yours on before you help others.
hello
Submitted by doghome on
well I dont have any advice but I am in the same "divorce" boat. He just got diagnosed within the last year as well by us being at the end of our ropes and ready to divorce, we found out thru counseling. Now we are holding on by a string and Im trying to hang in there. I do believe the adhd is real, I just dont know how to live with it at this point. I just got the book too and it fits me and him to a T. I just found this board too and am hoping for some incite on how to better handle this
Hey
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
First good on you for getting diagnosed and trying to get help and change. Humility is key.
I'm 47 and married 25 years. We are barely hanging in there. I'm bi-polar and ADHD. I've had trouble with all the stereotypical ADHD and bi-polar behaviors and my wife has said she didn't see hope. She's done her share of things that are wrong. I think most of em were reacting to me. Doesn't make it right or ok but im seeing that the more I own my shit, pull my head out of my nethers, and listen the less she reacts. She hasn't apologized but what I really want is a healthy marriage not an apology.
Advice: the one thing that helped my situation was meds, listening, and working on managing my symptoms and being open and aware of when I failed to manage them. My wife is just tired, sad, and angry that our life is not what she dreamed and is disappointed in me. That hurts. I've hurt her too though. I keep reminding myself that I truly don't know the pain and frustration she's felt.
After two years of asking her to go to counseling together she agreed to last week. Things may never be awesome but if we can get to a point where we are friends and she likes me I'm ok with that.
Let her grieve what she lost. It will take time. Grieve what you lost too. I used to get really pissed about what my mental problems cost me and so angry that my brain was different. My therapist is helping me accept that I'm not broken, dirty, or unclean just different and that I can change what needs to change. So the more I accept that the less stressed I am and the less defensive I am and the less my wife rages at me. I still can't set boundaries with her but I think with therapy I'll be able to.
Don't push her, rush her, or plead. Listen really well. Own the wrongs you have done. Don't defend yourself. Let your actions speak. Be humble and admit when you've slipped into previous habits. I had to do that on Saturday. There was a function with tons of people and I was having a bad mental day and instead of saying that I told my wife and daughter I had too much to do to go. That was true but the real reason is I was having a bad brain day. I apologized to them both.
Melissa's book and self study seminar are great. I'm learning quite a bit and recommend them.
I'd say to sincerely apologize to your wife for specific actions that have hurt her and tell her what you are doing to change, Then be quiet and do the work. You will most likely like who you are better. I do. I still have really down days but I don't hate myself as much and my wife is slowly loosening up as well. It takes time. Try not to freak out. Ask your doc about meds and find a good therapist/coach.