Hello all,

this is my very first message here on these forums but I’ve been an active reader for years and years and have gotten a lot of mental support from all of you guys here (thank you). English is not my first language so bare with me if I write something unclear. My husband is an English native speaker and does not speak my language so the language between us is English. 

I’ve been together with my husband (who has severe ADHD, childhood traumas and dyslexia) now for about 6 years. We live in my non-English speaking country, he moved here for me. 99 % of that whole 6 years has been filled with unhappiness, walking on egg shells, mentally abusive fights, soul crushing loneliness, weekly nights of crying myself to sleep and so on. First red flags appeared during the first few days together and I hate myself for dismissing those, not trusting my gut and ending up in this situation where I’ve wasted years by thinking it could all change for better.

I’ve finally realized this year that my husband has strong NPD traits and symptoms, just like his mother, and I’ve decided to finally proceed with divorce.

Divorcing a narcissist is really, really hard, and I have no idea how I’m going to survive this mentally. We will have to live together a month more, I’m expecting lots of financial fights and at the same time I’m grieving the future I always thought and hoped we would have. I am now 33 years old and without kids, so I’m also fearing that I’ll never have a family of my own when I now leave him.

I wanted to write this message here to hold myself accountable and to remind myself that I just have to keep calm and walk through the fire and also to receive support to go through this mess. I’ve written myself a list to remind me why I wanted to divorce for those moments when I miss him like crazy and regret my decision.

During the past 6 years…

1. I’ve been called a cunt, a bitch, waste of space, fucking psychotic woman, controlling cunt and other lovely names on a weekly basis
2. He would never join me to any events or parties after the first year of being together, I’d always have to go to couple’s engagements alone even if it was just a casual family dinner. If he rarely joined me, he could suddenly walk out in the middle of it (even one wedding years ago) and leave me absolutely ashamed and everyone filled with confusion
3. He refuses to speak about anything serious or to do with feelings, the reaction is always “don’t start with me again” or “what the fuck are you now crying about”
4. He has massive substance abuse problems and has gone through rehab for benzos but also has problems with sleeping pills, painkillers and sometimes beers too. When we’ve travelled, the first stop is always a pharmacy and he buys anything he can get without prescription as the country we live in has quite strict availability with things like codein etc.
5. Massive financial abuse. He has taken expensive loans for nonsense spending (for pills, take out, nicotine, beer, coffees) and I have paid 90 % of our lives since we got together, also because he has been unemployed most of these years due do covid. He gets really good benefits but never has enough money for things like his own bills, his clothes, food or even gas, as it goes to substances, subscriptions and other bad financial decisions. I’ve had to buy him everything from boxers to winter gear and to hobby equipment “to heal his depression”, it’s like living with a child. As a result I’ve ended up in 11k euros credit card debt and 15k euros car debt myself. He convinced me to buy the car for us saying how “he’d be the happiest man alive if I did so” and how he’d pay half of everything… He hasn’t paid a dime.
6. I’ve borrowed him about 30k and given around 20k euros by paying his private bills, vacations clothes, cosmetics, hobby equipment etc. I’m never expecting to see that money again.
7. Constant screaming and mental abuse over mundane things like asking him to take the trash. Slamming things, breaking things like dishes, furniture and damaging wooden floors with tools, crashing glass frames etc.
8. Very, very unclean: trash, used dishes and clothes everywhere. Sometimes he does get a lovely burst to clean and does an excellent job but often needs 17 reminders to do so. Also moans about the cleaning equipment that I have bought for us but he won’t spend his money on things like hoovers or mops. It’s like my money is ours but his is his.
9. Complains about the food I cook but never helps planning it, doing groceries or the actual cooking
10. Does not consider my mental or physical wellbeing in anything, for example I’ve had to start working remote as I just don’t have enough energy to go to the office to work (it takes me 1 hour per way to go to the office). He regularly starts fights about this and has twice even called the 911 to moan about me always working from home, asked the police to remove me from the house?! I have never been as ashamed as then.
11. We have zero common interests and never spend any time together, max 1 hour a week.I do everything alone, whether it’s home renovating (big or small), home shopping, training, events, amusement parks, nature walks, Christmas decorating, storage organizing, restaurants, movies.
12. We live in completely different rhythms, he sleeps until at least midday and I start my work day at 7am
13. He loathes my hobbies and tells me how stupid and worthless they are
14. Doesn’t make special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays special to me, they usually end up in fights no matter how low I try to set my expectations
15. He spends most of his awake time in front of the TV and phone, literally at least 15 hours a day screen time
16. He has a language barrier with my family and as a result he just leaves the room when my family comes over, he has lived in my country for almost 6 years and has attended 3 language courses but always drops out after a few classes
17. Constant blame shifting, nothing is ever his fault - always mine, this country’s, the welfare system’s, his ex boss’s or whose ever but never his own.
18. He is always late, usually 15-45 minutes but sometimes even hours and this creates enormous stress for every day living as he has missed lots of important appointments due to sleeping in for hours
19. I can’t rely on him doing anything he promises, so I do everything alone
20. He sometimes makes very worrying misogynist and even racist comments, I can’t for example mention that I’m having period cramps or all hell breaks loose and I’ll be attacked for “PMS’ssing” for days in a row.
21. Sudden rage attacks over anything, whether it’s neighbours, our home, the mess, the traffic, money or jobs
22. He has been unemployed for years and that has caused him to have a depression which could explain lots of the above but then again he was almost as bad when he still had a very well paying job
23. I have had to start medications for anxiety and high blood pressure during this relationship and my migraine attacks have increased greatly
24. He has massive childhood traumas that he just won’t deal with and a narcissistic mother who he has clearly learned all of the above from
25. He mocks my English skills in fights: “learn to speak” or “I’ve never met another Finn who speaks such lousy English” when I actually speak quite well and have studied in UK too

Why have I stayed this long then? It doesn’t make any sense but here are a few reasons:

• when things are good, they are really good
• when things are good, he has a lovely and very fun personality
• he would never cheat on me (like my ex did)
• I love him so much but I think it’s a trauma bond
• my friends used to tell me that he looks at me like no one they've ever seen look at anyone, with such love. But I don't see that love in a rage fit

I am not myself anymore, I’m a shadow of what I used to be. Please help me stay true to myself and to get out of this marriage. I have a bank appointment coming at the end of the month and I will then know, whether I’ll be able to buy him out of this home. My income is well enough, but the debts I’ve gained during this marriage might affect the bank’s decision and I’m really scared of that because due to decreasing house prices, selling isn’t an option. We have more mortgage left to pay than what the apartment is worth of.

If you made it this far, thank you.