I have been spending my days stepping back and observing my H, how he is when he is alone and when he is interacting with others( including myself).
While the many aspects of adhd are apparent I find they are DOABLE ( not without ups and downs) but NOT deal breakers for me.
However......there is a non emotive aspect to his behavior that has given me pause to it being adhd. My H has always had a stoic, flat countenance that "lurked" underneath. While he can be warm, witty, creative etc....there is "something " missing. This is what gives me pause on it is MORE than adhd.
His lack of emotion (or ability to show) is very much "missing". His upbringing, I am sure, had a lot to do with this. I see much of the same behavior in too many of his siblings. GOOD EMOTIONS were not (and still aren't) allowed. His mother was very much a HUGE fear based person. His siblings are whiners, blamers and combative......such a JOY to be around.....
I have searched for a word to describe my H's affect, manner, way of being. ....HOW he talks, HOW he moves, HOW he listens, HOW he expresses........mechanical. That is the word. This is why I suspect aspergers(along with other attributes not talked about here).
There are many "disorders" of executive function that can be sought. Emotional dysregulation etc..... MY knowledge and understanding is crucial for me, whether we are together or not. His lack of emotion may not affect him but for sure it affects those around him and NOT in a "good" way. I need to understand "whatever" the issue is whether he CAN overcome SOME of it or NONE of it. It would be unfair to expect from him what he can't do......and I say this whether we are together ot not.....most likely?.....the latter.
A loving relationship is based on "needs" being met. I/me comes after us/we in a marriage.....or it isn't one......not that hard.
I have also come to see.......I am trying to justify with a lot of "talk"......reasons to stay......and they are more times than not coming from....my OWN denial of what really needs to happen.
getting to the heart of the matter
Submitted by jennalemone on
Zapp, we are at the same place in our acceptance. That "missing" piece has no name, in English that I know of, but I know what you mean.
H's words long ago (I love you's) seem to be to me as manipulations, not feelings. I saw H cry only twice in 40 years. Both times I could tell he turned them on for an audience. He laughs at inappropriate times. He does not seem to put his heart into things, just tries to put on an act for outsiders. I have not figured out what the goals of the "acting" is other than to get through a present moment supporting his ego. He talks with great inflections in his voice as though he really MEANS what he says but if you know him you know it is mostly B.S. trying to LOOK sincere.
My husband, I think, was in
Submitted by vabeachgal on
My husband, I think, was in love with how I made him feel, not in love with me.
vabeachgal....yup
Submitted by jennalemone on
When we were young, H was fond of saying to me multiple times, a quote HE liked but made me feel icky but I didn't know exactly why, "I love you not so much for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." A quote from Elizabeth Barret Browning. He thought he was being romantic. I thought that should make me feel good....but it didn't. He was not in love with me, but for what I could do for him.
Jenna.....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Back in May you wrote a post that I copied off. I think it was entitled "Stuck with no voice"
I have read and reread that since. You have no idea how that impacted me.
I am no longer "stuck" and I found my voice this morning. I cannot undue my part of our past. I can only change today and the future. I still have a few years left....... I will not bear his burden while he does not.......I agree with vabeach......my H liked how I made HIM feel......bingo. He likes me WITH HIM.....he has no interest in HIM WITH me. There is no together.........he sees it as me with HIM.