Submitted by Janette on 01/24/2015.
I am new to this site. I have read lots of comments about the non ADHD partner getting negative and angry but in my case it is my ADHD partner who gets angry - does anyone have top tips for dealing with this and arguing healthily - most of the time my partner is calm and loving but at some point every few days there is a row - I feel I can not win - I try to be quiet and avoid confrontations but don't want to loose me-he says he wants to know my honest view but if I don't agree he gets cross and if I do agree he says I need to be honest. It is like I am going out with two people - a caring delightful man and an angry aggressive one! What strategies can I use when he is in angry mode?
When dealing with an angry ADHD partner.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
The person likely has MORE than just ADHD....so you need to start with that premise.
"Every few days there is a row. I feel that I can not win."
"If I don't agree, he gets cross"
"It is like I am going out with two people."
This is sounding like more than just ADHD.
As someone who has been married awhile to someone like that, I can almost assure that it isn't just ADHD.
My H has: ADHD, some OCD, anger mgmt issues, depression, insecurity, anxiety, and (according to his therapist) likely either NPD or BPD or both.
You can try using the SET technique but even that won't work with someone determined to be angry.
Support
Empathy
Truth
Updated September 10, 2014.
When borderline personality disorder makes communication difficult, following the SET method may help. SET stands for support, empathy and truth. It was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus, the authors of I Hate You, Dont Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy.
Why SET Works
The symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) can result in the BP asking for conflicting things or being unable to recognize that the another person cares for them, especially during times of stress. A person with BP may be unable to experience conflicting feelings at the same time, and tends to see things in black and white with very little shades of gray. As a result, the BP experiences her current feelings as being her persistent feelings.
SET allows friends and loved ones of people with BP to honestly and address the person's demands, assertions, or feelings, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. It is important to do these steps in order, as each step builds upon the other.
Support
Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."
The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."
Truth
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do ," "This is what will happen ," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the BP is better able to hearwhat you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
Validation and Support Are Not Agreement
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
Thank you
Submitted by Janette on
Thank you - that has certainly given me something to think about plus some strategies to try!
Ugh, I know what that's like
Submitted by Jenna72 on
My fiance is in his 50's, and not medicated for his ADHD. We have been together for several years. He is the EXACT same way. Wants me to feel like I can tell him ANYTHING, but then gets upset at the stupidest stuff. He can go from sweet to screaming in 2 seconds. I have spent months just educating him when he's doing it - he is completely NOT self-aware AT ALL. He doesn't realize when he is being defensive, or negative, or downright mean. It seems to me that the root of it is part of the disconnect - he's getting upset bc he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and has a hard time trying to. For my fiance, I believe the mean, defensive manner is learned, and an unfortunate result from child abuse in his younger years. It may be different in your significant other.
Just remember to take care of yourself, and that no matter what is wrong with someone - ADHD or otherwise, they have no right to treat you badly.
My partner is also in his 50s
Submitted by Janette on
My partner is also in his 50s - lots of similarities- he is now going through a quiet keep himself to himself stage - also no easy! We generally can talk things through which is a plus. I will keep your last point in mind! It's reassuring to know other people are in the same situation and gives a sense of perspective
<<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
Wants me to feel like I can tell him ANYTHING, but then gets upset at the stupidest stuff. He can go from sweet to screaming in 2 seconds. I have spent months just educating him when he's doing it - he is completely NOT self-aware AT ALL. He doesn't realize when he is being defensive, or negative, or downright mean. It seems to me that the root of it is part of the disconnect
>>>>
Yes!! how do you help them become more self aware??? I remember a Dr. Phil episode and cameras were placed in a couple's home. When the recordings were shown to the H, he was SHOCKED to see how mean and angry he is. He was totally unaware.
More self aware
Submitted by Jenna72 on
My fiance is slowly becoming more self aware via passages I highlighted out of Melissa's book. I read them to him, and he LISTENS! So rare! I think he has this sense that he is alone - no one is like him - and when I read certain passages that I know apply to him (primarily behaviours or attitudes that are specific to ADHDers), he listens. He LIKES to hear about himself, and know he is not alone. Once I saw that, I started reading like crazy. He can only take in bits and pieces right now - if I read more than a few sentences, I lose him. But he's not medicated other than the Wellbutrin, so I try to go at his pace. A few sentences every 4-5 days. Slow going? Yes. But I don't want him to feel overwhelmed. And I want what he learns to really sink in.
Anyway, once he hears a passage, he will then either ask me how he can fix it, or nod his head and just sit and think on it for a minute. Sometimes I wonder if it's lost on him, but he told me it's not. He says whether I see it or not, I am getting through. *HUGE sigh of relief* I am actually starting to reach him - this book has been KEY! He sees himself reflected as though looking in a mirror and is starting to understand how it affects me. Before the book, he would ask me "Am I really so difficult to live with?" And I would just stare at him wide-eyed, shocked he had no idea. As I started to read the book, there were a few brief sentence that stated why it was difficult for non-ADHDers to live with ADHDers, and I highlighted it. When I read it to him, he stopped what he was doing. He APOLOGIZED! I couldn't believe it! I teared up, told him it was ok, that I knew he didn't mean to do it on purpose - and reassured him that although this is in his brain, we can still find a way to communicate. We just have to recognize that sometimes we speak a different language.
Once he sees the Dr next month, and starts medication, I am thinking we may take one of Melissa's couples seminars. If he can stay focused, and take in everything he's learning and have it make sense in his own life, it will make a big difference. Not to sound like a salesman, but Melissa's book and the support I've received on this forum have given me a new sense of hope that I desperately needed. HOPE!!!!