Hi all. I'm going to start just by giving some context. I am the one with ADHD here. I heard about the book sometime last year on Reddit. Ended up buying it sometime in the Fall after (or during) a fight, looking to see if this was one step in the right direction. It did take me a while to get to it and to actually finish it. I had a lul about halfway thru reading it. I was able already to use some strategies on my end like suggesting cue words and such along the way though, which helped a fair bit in at least resolving a couple conflicts. Anyway I ended up powering thru the second half and finished it back in February! I was proud of myself, I'm not going lie, since it's the first book I have read cover to cover in at least 5 years! That being said, I have mentioned it a couple times to my wife to read it now since she said before back in Jan or Feb that she was waiting for me to finish it before she took a look at it. I didn't push it too much though because we had our wedding back in April (we've been married about 2 1/2 years legally and been living together for just over 3 now). She was the one taking on about 99.5% of the wedding planning since I am almost useless for planning (no surprise there). Obviously, I did not want to add even more to her plate since I already do that on my own plus the wedding stress, she would have put me in a blender haha. Now that the wedding and honeymoon is over and done with she still hasn't gotten to the book. I've mentioned it a couple times now as well. I remember there being suggestions of how to finesse your ADHD-spouse into reading it but not so much the other way around. I understand that it is mostly a matter of framing it in the correct way but I feel that I need help with that. She disclosed last night in bed after we had a big fight (chore wars) that she was uncertain if we were going to make it and that she has been hesitant to read it because she does not want to help fix things that are not her fault/doing etc. I was already under the assumption that this was the case and would be the main obstacle in getting her to read it and hence why I was trying to not be pushy about it and I also understand and empathize where she is coming from. I explained how it takes two people to make a successful marriage in order to be on the same page about solving problems and also used the lines about how we need to try something different not harder. She also suggested this morning after I got to work that she wanted to consider taking a break. I do not know where to take it from here. We have had some trouble finding an in-person couples counselor/therapist since it seems they mostly do online these days post-covid. She has pretty much been up for only in-person until this morning (she also said this morning that online help may be a solution at this point) but it's hard for the both of us to meet their schedules. I will check back to the book when I get home tonight for more suggestions in getting her to take a look at the book. My marriage is indeed in a crisis and I'll take any advice anyone is willing to give. Thanks for your time and consideration! Please let me know if I need to clarify anything or add more context.
How do I convince my wife to read ADHD Effect On Marriage
Submitted by Mike.1775 on 06/06/2024.
She will only do what she wants
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello, I'm sorry about your crisis. I also tried to make my ex read the book, and failed.
I think your wife is disturbed by dysfunction between you and she seeks to find her own solutions. She may not want to hear your suggestions since she doesn't share your problem description or point of view.
This, sadly, seems to be what many of us face.
Book
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If she's warming to online therapy, maybe Melissa's couples course would be a good option. I do believe the book is an important component, which would be a great way to share it with her.
Maybe she's not in a place where she's willing to put in any more work or understanding. I've been there. Maybe if you positioned the book as "I read this and it helped me understand some of your frustrations better and I want you to see that I'm starting to get it."
Another thing you can do is start taking action even without her... Pursuing medication or coaching. When I was married, concrete action like that would have gone a long way.
Wishing you the best.
Life will always have to be about the two in marriage.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just reading your post, it strikes me as common, common for certain mind types....You are seeing life in a very "life is all about me" lens...And now you are seeking ways to "manipulate her" to see that life is all about you also...This is very common for people who don't demand self change, and refuse self ownership of their lived out intrusive or abusive tendencies.....Any time our mindset is, "Oh well it's just who I am"....that makes us completely unfit to be a spouse....
My needs, my mind type, what you need to know about me, what you must endure if you are going to be my spouse, what I am not capable of, what I will never own, etc....
Start over, and make life all about her, that's your job, (husband) and she will make life all about you, her job (wife).....Chores wars will end, because you will get in each others way, trying to complete the tasks....You will be thankful, have new priorities, you will dump selfishness...
If you read this and say I will never be the person he is describing...Then at least do one thing!.....Read this post to your wife and explain to her why she must suffer if she lives with you...Then if she decides to leave, at least you can do it in peace, based on reality...ADHD has never, or will never be an excuse to not happily do the work in a marriage relationship...Only Self-centeredness cause's that....
Consider it, if you want a peaceful life for you BOTH, and end the dysfunction, and toxic interactions....
c
Hey - I came here to share
Submitted by bolts on
Hey - I came here to share some struggles I've been having recently in my marriage and then saw your post that pretty much sums up the exact situation I'm in, so thought I'd hop in the comments here instead! So firstly know that you're not alone and I completely empathise with your frustrations.
In my case it's a slightly different scenario - my wife and I have been married 2 years but have been together 10 years and also have 2 children (4yo and 9yo). She came to the realisation that she most likely has ADHD around 1.5 years ago and is still awaiting diagnosis (NHS waiting lists in the UK are insane right now). During this time she urged me to do the research on ADHD so I could better understand her struggles, and although I did some basic research she never felt this was enough to fully support and understand her struggles.
After an argument a couple of months back, I started doing some more extensive research (including reading 2 of Melissa's books) and in doing this I came to the realisation that I too almost definitely had ADHD myself - this was something my wife had suggested since doing her research, but as I'm quite highly functioning I never really gave it too much consideration.
Now I'm awaiting my own diagnosis, and have tried to start putting the advice in Melissa's books into practice, but I'm hitting a complete brick wall from my wife as she's feeling really overwhelmed that I've completely overcorrected my behaviour and am now trying to 'fix' everything all in one go in a desparate attempt to save our relationship. I totally understand this and I've definitely tried to do too much too soon (and in her eyes it's too little too late!) but it's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have solutions to all the problems at the root of your relationship but to still be fighting a losing battle as only one of you is aware of these solutions/willing to put them into practice.
My wife suggest the only solution that will work for her is to give her more space and has also suggested going on a break. I'm trying really hard to respect her wishes and not force my way of doing things onto her, but it conflicts with a lot of the advice in Melissa's books about attend time being so important, and I can't help think that more space = more distance, and will only make things worse. We're both concerned about the impact of a separation/break on our kids and are struggling to define the parameters of what a 'break' would actually mean in our case. We're also booked into some couples therapy that starts in a couple of weeks, but with where her head is at the moment I'm not sure how much help this will be because she doesn't seem open to any solutions that involve working on the core issues, and just seems to want to run away (again, completely understandable for someone with ADHD & a tendency for overwhelm, but very frustrating at the same time)
So no answers or advice from me I'm afraid, but a reassurance that I fully relate to your pain, and am also looking for ways me and my wife can get on the same page to come at this problem using the same strategies - if anybody else has been in this situation and found a way to move past it I'd be very interested to know what worked/didn't work for you!
Wedding as stress test
Submitted by Swedish coast on
A wedding is a stress test of a relationship I've found. If a couple can land a day of happy celebration between them, that is a sign they might have what it takes to start a family.
A stressed out bride arranging the entire wedding herself, to me is not a good sign. I was that bride. I should have considered stress could be a constant companion in the years to come. I wish I had.