I'm the non-ADDer and all the descriptions on this site about the dynamic between ADDer and non-ADDer are outstandingly similar to mine!
So, I get that part... Most of us feel when we ask our ADDer to help out, do a task/chore, offer a common courtesy or spend time we get a mouthful. Attitude, excuses, "not right now" responses. And it makes our stomach just knot up and anger flares.
But how on earth are we suppose to change how we respond to them?
I mean, it's very human to want someone you love, and someone you think loves you back to care enough to pay attention to little details (or even BIG details) and help out or spend time. But what do we do when they can't? I mean they seem, on the outside, fully capable of helping but inside they can't. Or even, they used to help and pay attention but now they don't.
How do we continue to want to be around that person and give them love?
I'm all for hopping on the "vent" wagon.. but what now?
How do we change our minds about how things are suppose to be done, and when things are suppose to be done in order to accommodate our ADDer's disorder?
I mean, we are talking about a disorder and not some evil, defiant being who is doing this intentionally to stir us up on purpose, right? ;) (I wink because I've thought this on many occasions)
I don't know about the rest of you but before this relationship with an ADDer I was a very kind hearted, caring, compassionate, gentle and for the most part patient person who had their sh%t together. I think that's what drew him to me! But now I'm quite the opposite. I've completely stepped out of my comfort zone and into an area I'm not comfortable with and I'd like to get myself back! Since when do I allow other peoples behavior define who I am as a person?? I want to be me again.... And I believe now is the perfect opportunity to practice all of those wonderful qualities I thought I once had.
But how? How do you get those qualities back and apply them to the very person you LOVE who's harming you the most???
Coping tips on how to not let living with an ADDer eat you alive would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Are we twins? :)
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Wow...you said everything in your post that I have been saying for the past year to myself, about myself and to my partner. I actually just read your post to my ADDer partner and he finally got a 'final' understanding of what I've been saying all a long - meaning it was more clear by reading this than it had been in the past by me trying to tell him, we argued over who I was and who I've became today after experiencing so much with him in my life.
I am soo glad that I came across this post, I really am. I can't say I have the answer to how we get back to the 'put together' person we were when we had less worries, less concerns and did not feel like a 'parent' to a 'partner' that messes everything up.
I can tell you a little bit of what helped me though...my answer was stepping out of everything I was so head deep in 'doing for him' and showing him how he could help himself on his own the same way I was doing it all for him. With lists, alarm clocks, reminders (even when he got annoyed hearing it the umpteenth time) I kept at it and today he reminds me of his financials and what needs to be paid rather than me just silently doing it for him...now i don't stress so much about the money aspect and if I will see threatening notices on the door step anymore. I haven't seen one for over a year now because he has kept up w/ the practice I showed him rather than just taking the problem and fixing it for him and not showing him how he can do it too. After a while he said to me 'I didn't know it could be this easy' that was my moment of success on that topic. Because I showed him how to do it (rather than doing ti for him and enabling to simply cure my own worry) and reminded him for a while what needs to get done until he came to me reminding me when things needed to get paid.
This resulted in my worry lessening some and a bit of my sanity returning, stopping the enabling and providing resources for him so he could figure out how to do it on his own was a great discovery. It gave me more time to get some things back for just me. I tend to think that we enable our ADDers just as families tend to enable their drug addicted children. It's a task and a lot of effort to get past your own concern enough to find resources to provide to your loved one so they can help themselves, rather than just doing it for them because you have to cure A worry about compensating for their lack of 'doing'.
Sites like this help us as a couple with the communication portion of things. We agreed that if we argue and we can not get our words out as we need them to be understood by one another we will each turn to this site right in the middle of an argument to find an article that comes close to what we feel at that moment and have the other one read it if it seems things are not resolving. This does multiple things - one it allows for quiet or 'cool off' time while one reads what the other is trying to get across to their partner. Second it allows you to put into words something you may not have been able to put into words yourself for your partner to effectively understand your feelings at that moment. Third these two things together allow a door to open where communication becomes easier and sanity stays more intact and eventually, over time leading to each one of you feeling more like you can return to yourself again. It's certainly not an over night change but returning to your own comfort zone when you share your life with a partner requires such an amount of great communication that sometimes it's difficult for couples to even get through that part. If you can get the communication going then you will feel more comfortable at some point concentrating more on your own needs, it will come naturally I believe. When you have great communication with your partner you will feel less of a need to worry about things and you'll find that you naturally gravitate to the things that made you 'you' to begin with.
I dont know if any of this helps you but I do know for us it started with a huge amount of effort in figuring out our communication issues and working from that foundation so I could feel less stressed and start to find time to get back to the things that did make me 'me'.
Best,
27 going on 40 :) or so it feels...
hollyamy27, I'm so glad
Submitted by ebb and flow on
hollyamy27,
I'm so glad this post helped you! I guess when I wrote it I was just thinking of myself and not about how it could help others. So, I'm really glad it ended up helping you in some way. :)
So, you found that sort of "teaching" your ADDer helped? Using alarms, schedules, lists and other organization techniques? He and I have recently talked about ways I could help him 'get it together'. He seemed open to the idea of me making him a calendar of when to pay what bill and events coming up, etc. and in a sense "showing" him how to do it so he learns for himself. He was actually REALLY open to it which was shocking as he NEVER likes being told "what to do" so I never suggested it. I can only hope once things get a little bit more organized and he gets into some sort of routine or method of accomplishing, things will lighten up around here and I can breathe again.
I totally agree with you about the enabling. I was just saying that the other day! But I think your solution is a healthy way to go about it. I mean, what's wrong with helping your partner in an area they are weak and you are strong (ie- organization)... right? Instead of doing it for them which is just plain unhealthy!
I must admit, communication is THE WORST with an ADD partner. Holy crap! I cannot even begin to describe and I'm sure I don't have to... lol I will read on and check for tips on this area too.
Thank you so much. Your post did help me a great deal! It's interesting because he and I were just talking about me making him a calendar and helping him with lists and trying to teach him "prioritization". I just didn't know if it was something that would further enable him or actually be something that could help in the end. Now I feel more confident it could help!
Thanks again!