Submitted by PoisonIvy on 09/06/2016.
Does your partner 1) acknowledge the disagreement and that you might be correct; 2) tell you you're wrong; 3) attack you; or 4) some combination? If your partner does or might have ADHD, do you think the reaction has something to do with ADHD or do you think it's a separate aspect of his or her personality? I'm assertive and I like to be right but I'm also willing to acknowledge when I'm wrong. Former partner is not very assertive, likes to be right, and has become more willing to acknowledge when he is wrong.
Rosered....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Like I am "challenging his knowledge. I CAN'T know something of any importance.....and in the end....even "little" stuff he probably knows more than I do. ISN'T THAT SAD that I did NOT see that in him? WHAT was WRONG with me?
He was never obnoxious about it. Years ago I told him..."you are a very subtle controller"......wish I had listened to myself. Duh....
In the recent past years it got much worse....meaning ...more often. We argued more than ever.....because I was starting to "stand" my ground and the unknown adhd was no longer "medicated" by his obscene intake of caffeine. He became so combative on the least little thing......and to this day.....has a difficult time considering anyone having a differing view. Again...he is NOT unruly or even rude.....just set in his mind. There is no conversation with a set mind......therefore......there isn't conversation about much of anything.
Rosered, you got me thinking
Submitted by jennalemone on
Rosered, I see you trying to sort things out. Like....what really happened to us? This is probably a good thing to do. Learning from it. I will be interested in what you come up with as you process this now that you are not in the situation anymore so that emotion does not color the truth quite as much. I am guessing you are grieving. I will be thinking of you.
H's response to most of what I say is to tell me I am wrong, nearly before I finish saying what I am saying. I am wrong and then there is assassination of my character for saying what I am saying. So, then I used to come back with my defense and then there was a fight or I would back off and we didn't get any further in a conversation. I feel he has been playing a game of offense/defense with me for 40 years. No communication or connection - just the game.
His family likes to verbally spar and many have an inferiority complex which cover up with bravado. I never put this together with ADD before, but maybe this is another coping thing for not being able to think linearly and respond appropriately. Any topic is off track within seconds and if I try to bring it back to the original topic, H gets frustrated and I feel like a school teacher/social worker.
H is very assertive, no he is not at all assertive....he is aggressive. Expressive/Expressive. There seems to be no request for connection. How are you? What do you think about...? Shall we....? There is total silence unless I bring something up and he shoots it down. Hmmm. I will watch for this. I had been thinking of him as assertive but he never really says anything..only spars with comebacks and jokes and criticisms.
This spoke to me Jenna,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
but he never really says anything..only spars with comebacks and jokes and criticisms.
EXACTLY!
Zapp
Submitted by jennalemone on
Seems we are on the same wavelength this morning. Reflective and conversive. I tip my early morning coffee cup to you.
Thanks, Jennalemone. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks, Jennalemone. I actually am not spending much time thinking about the past; I messed up, and I know I messed up. My focus is on surviving, physically, emotionally, and financially; doing so seems overwhelming at times, given my long-term depression and physical maladies.
The topic of responding to disagreement is on my mind because of behaviors I've noticed in some people I work with and in some people on this forum. I'm just curious as to which of these behaviors are related to ADHD, which to sex, which to age, and so on. No conclusions yet.
Bravado, and comebacks and
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Bravado, and comebacks and criticisms, yes, I know this well. We have silence also unless my husband is talking. I stopped trying to say much of anything, because he doesn't look at me when talking, and has dismissed so much of what I've said, that it left me feeling that my opinions and feelings weren't of much value.
Plus, now having had him lie to me on many occasions I have a hard time knowing what the truth is. But mainly, it made me second guess MYSELF and my own decisions after being dealt with in this way for so long.
Its weird with me and my H.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Its weird with me and my H. We dont disagree very often, but when we do - its almost ALWAYS about "us" and whats going on. His reaction is to shut down, and then say he cant be a husband and wants to divorce/leave/whatever. Its a weird pattern. Its like he thinks if we are out of sinc or have any sort of crisis - then suddenly its all about controlling him etc. And its not. I have finally put an end to the cycle and have told him that I am not going to fight his leaving, that I am fine with it and am going to move forward. I just cant take that kind of threat anymore - especially when just last year he made a promise and made ME promise that we would not threaten leaving if we had a disagreement (yeah - it was that bad on HIS part, not mine).
My H doesnt call me names (to my face or behind my back that I know of) and generally - we rarely argue or have differences of opinion. In fact - if it wasnt for him always threatening to leave (if he isnt happy at all times, because he only wants to be married when he is in a good mood) I would not be considering the end of our marriage. So - I guess you can say that our disagreements have essentially ended things because he doesnt understand that reasonable/rational/adult people can have disagreements and its not the end of the relationship, end of the marriage etc.
Yep.....Shut Down, "I don't want to talk about it"
Submitted by kellyj on
and then.....I can't be here...I need to leave. There you go. Never about anything else...only about "us"...as in..."this is not what I "envisioned" or "imagined it would be like". As my wife refers to this as....."dreams". What is a "dream" anyway? Row, row, row, your boat...life is but a dream? Merrily, merrily, merrily.....hey wait a minute, you aren't being Merry!!! This is not my beautiful wife....this is not my beautiful car.....this is not my beautiful LIFE!!! This is not...the way it's suppose to be...according to my sources....I'm leaving. (Dismissed )
1) Shut Down
2) Dismissed....end of discussion.
3) "I don't want to talk about it" ( IT again. What is "IT" ? )
"I said....I don't want to talk about it...and you won't leave me alone. Leave ME alone!!!!"
The "pattern of failure".....then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And look at what your H is getting Stacey? You're going to "leave him alone."
Be careful what you ask for....because you just might get it ?
The only thing I can add here in terms of me and my wife doing this...is that I don't take this personally..... because it has nothing to do with me. None...what so ever. Like water off a ducks back right onto the floor where it belongs.
Having said that....I don't like it...because nothing ever becomes of this and there is no resolution or fixing this for her. All you can do....is let it fall to the floor and not like it very much which is all you can do bug the key here...when ever this gets triggered in my wife...is to not go there in the fist place...and then this won't happen. My wife....Loves to argue. She is very argumentative. Even when there isn't a problem...she create one just to debate about it.
I hate to argue..;.and I really hate to debate. So if that's the case.....why do it in the first place? If she starts....I don't have to follow and step into the ring with her. If I'm the one doing that part....then that part is all on me? I have control of this for myself and my part and if won't play ball...then my wife is left to play by herself and that's no fun unless you've got someone to play with? The more I won't play...the less she tries to engage me but she will try again...that much I already know and I'm ready for when she does.
Disengage and detach...and re-attach...when she gives up trying. Just like water off a Ducks back.
Is this a pain in the ass? Should I have to? Is this what your suppose to do even if I don't feel like I should have to do this?
The answer is "yes"......Check...all the above.
J
WHY? This Really Moved Me
Submitted by kellyj on
If you watch this video....I think it will explain why this happens very well. This is not an ADHD thing....it's a "people" thing. It's what people do no matter what the reason? This really helped explain this to me...by seeing it another person and listening to their life story. The details are different...but the story is still the same one. Same ol' story...with a different twist.
https://youtu.be/yTctP70TRD0
J
PS Here's an interesting video made by the author of the video on Steve McQueen. He has some really good..and interesting things to say about this in context to "knowing" and what you need to "know". KISS again.
https://youtu.be/ChHRHD_IDmM
Dismissed. Unimportant. Not
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Dismissed. Unimportant. Not part of the equation. That is exactly how he makes me feel when he says he is leaving. Because its all about him - ALWAYS. And if I dare to speak up about what I need - then its too much and he has to run away.
I am not gonna run after him anymore. I am not going to be his doormat. He is leaving, and I am OK with it. I will have peace, because I will no longer be walking on eggshells thinking that "better be carefull because if one little thing happens he is gonna leave me". It really destroys a person - those constant threats. How am I ever supposed to be confident and content in a relationship that is under continual threat by the other person? Its just not possible to maintain. At least not with out loosing my own life into his.
He has made some good changes - and i am glad for him. But until he says to me that he is committed, and puts his ring back on - I am considering us finished and done and acting upon that. Until then - all his changes are only for him, and while I think that is fantastic and good for HIM... I will not be left in the dust and mess he leaves behind. If he thinks so - he is clocked out of reality even more than I realize. I want to have hope in him, in us - but do not allow myself that luxury anymore. My heart is closed to him right now. And I cannot predict if it will always be closed (I am no prophet) - as things are RIGHT NOW... I cant see it changing.
For my husband, he is very oppositional. If I say something - he says the opposite. Nothing I say has much value unless someone ELSE says it too. Its frustrating - but I dont consider it arguments etc - I just roll my eyes and tell him to figure it out on his own - or I dont even bother engaging at all. For true disagreements - we have very very very very few. Generally - they are like this:
Some crisis happens (my mother died, or he gets caught lying AGAIN... for the millionth time). Eventually the conversation always boils down to this:
Him: I am broken, I cannot be a good husband
Me: You have issues, you have some problems, but you are not destroyed. You can fix anything you want to fix - you are able. But you have to do the work.
Him: I cant, I tried
Me: Really? What did you do that you tried and didnt work?
Him: I dont know, I cant think of anything right now - but I feel controlled. I feel like I have no control of my life
Me: What makes you feel that way? Is there something I am doing to make you feel that way? Is there something I can do or not do to help you feel more in control of your fate?
Him: No - you are not doing anything at all, its all in my head
Me: Ok, well lets get you some help to work that all out. I will stick with you, you ARE a good husband - you just need to learn to see the good in you.
Him: No, I tried that, I am broken, I feel controlled and want a divorce because I cant be a good husband.
Me (Now): Ok, well you can leave if you want. Its your life and your choice. But all these feelings you have - you take them with you because they arent mine and have nothing to do with me or our life together.
Him: *stares at me and says nothing*
He wants to stay to save money and get a nice car and a nice place to live.... and I am not ok with this. I told him that I expected him to leave after our dog passes away. My cousin thinks all these improvements and "niceness" to me is so that I will let him stay and support him so that he can have a more comfortable transition. I hate to think she is right, but the longer we go with these changes, the more I think she IS right... because it seems like if he was truly changing - then he would be making talk of working on things, etc. Either way - its depressing to me. So I am like you - disengage, detatching. Only for me - I am trying like mad to burn the wounds as I create them - cauterizing them so I can finally stop bleeding out.
Sorry - so rambly! UGH!
My H cannot stand it when
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H cannot stand it when ANYONE disagrees with him. H has a very narrow expertise, and virtually no "general knowledge" so often others WILL disagree with him (and THEY will be RIGHT!!). H grew up in a household where no one was allowed to disagree with his father (not even H's mom), so H thinks that if someone disagrees with him they're being disrespectful or being an asshole or saying that he's stupid.
I try to only correct him/disagree with him when I know that I have hard-proof on my side. Then when he has a temper-tantrum, I can show him that I am right. The end.