Hello.
Any advice welcomed on what to do when my husband is blaming his ADHD for something that is just really shitty behaviour?
for my birthday this year I had arranged to meet all my friends at a local bar for a Meal and a quiz. My newly diagnosed hubby initially agreed to come and then changed his mind the day before stating many reasons which at the time I wasn't very happy about and was hurt that he didn't want to spend my birthday celebrating with me . He had recently been out with many of his buddies clubbing and to bars but he said he had Realised deep within him that he had many reasons not to want to do that again. His reasons were that he really hates pubs, his dad is an alcoholic, pubs are too loud. And sitting in a bar is boring to him. All very valid reasons and once he had explained I totally supported his decision and planned to spend the next night with him doing something I knew he would enjoy. And be happy to celebrate my birthday doing Fast forward 4 months to a buddy of his birthday, and what does he decide to celebrate by doing?? You guessed it... Going to a pub!!!!! I am completely furious with him. Incredibly hurt that he has had a complete about face and is now blaming his previous decision on being impulsive??!?!?!? What the actual f***?
It wasnt an impulsive decision it was a well thought out (he said so at the time) and informed decision on his part, his reasons and principles were not only valid but also validated and supported by me. I agreed not to invite him to bars as he felt so strongly about it and to find activities he would rather do. I have defended him to everyone who felt as it was my birthday he could have compromised as I often do lots of entertaining for him when I have zero interest. I feel he has treated me incredibly poorly in this situation, I'm trying not to react with anger but I'm seething.
So far since I have told him that I'm upset I have from him had a) defensiveness b) anger c) him trying to turn it around on me d) him blaming ADHD and then e) saying ok you're right I'm wrong.
All of which I have received via a barrage of texts!! There seems to be no apparent thought process behind his words, not any idea of how much his actions have hurt me. I'm mostly pissed of he's blamed his ADHD for this. I don't understand what he hopes to gain by doing so?
Any thought appreciated as maybe I'm just too mad to see why?!
I feel your pain......
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
and quite often wonder the same thing....how much of this behavior is due to the ADHD? How to handle or just let it go because talking about it seems to get no where.......it only happens again. My husband does the same thing (and it is hard not to see it as selfish behavior) - I spend so much time 'explaining' him to other people. Especially in social situations, it can be so embarrassing that I'd much rather just go alone, but that is not always good where it is a couple's invite or family holiday invites. Most of the time, I'd rather just not even bother to go.....it is too stressful worried about what he will say or do because he has NO filter most of the time. Needless to say....it can be very lonely while they have trouble making friends; you have trouble keeping friends. Not that they don't understand that something is 'not quite right'. It is just how often do they want their get togethers disrupted? I feel as thought I am being punished, and yet, I don't know what I have done wrong. I keep trying and it is all for naught. To me, there is no point to any of this - nothing ever changes.