Hi,
I have a question and maybe people around here have similar experiences. Forgive my lack of English, I'm Dutch. I'm a 39 year old man, just diagnosed with ADHD and in the middle of a rollercoaster of acceptance and other things.
About 11 months ago my girlfriend mentioned that i might have ADHD. Looking at my problems, sometimes angry out of nothing and my impulsivity, Next to the hyperactivity. The day after we spoke about it I made an appointment for diagnostic. But it would last 10 months for my appointment.
Two weeks prior to my appointment it was my girlfriends' birthday. It was in a packed joint somewhere downtown and I had some beers. At first I was really relaxed but unfortunately my mood turned from happy to angry in just a millisecond. Not towards my girlfriend but towards men who were bullying me. That ended up in a fearless fight right in front of my girlfriend and her friends.
Due to this my girlfriend broke although she knows I probably can't do anything about it. 2 weeks later I was diagnosed with ADHD and probably caused the problems that night. To many signals, to many people, etc etc.
My girllfriend tells me she that she doesn't blame me but it was enough. As you can imagine it is very difficult for me to let it go. Because she's the one. We love each other endless. What can I do to get her back or at least around the table to talk? What can i suggest without pressuring her?
Hope to hear from you.
Kind regards, Martijn
Getting back in touch
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your girlfriend's experience was that you are volatile and that you are capable of physical violence. There were other, more positive interactions as well, but your intentions...and the reasons that you were so volatile don't change what she went through with you. The best way to respond to her leaving is to respect her actions by taking them very seriously - to work with a psychiatrist or therapist to get the therapy and medications in place to be more emotionally stable. This isn't about your girlfriend per se...it's about whether or not you can be a good partner to ANY person. When you've taken the task of being a great, stable, emotionally available partner to heart it's possible that she'll come back. Or she may not. But you'll be better for the effort no matter what.
The thing that doesn't work is empty promises to change that aren't backed up by actual change and longer-term effort (trauma therapy; meds; CBT...whatever program you undertake)...because promises can be held until there is the next emotional blow up...and then you've violated your 'promise' of change and any trust the person has rebuilt in you. So don't say you'll do better next time. Don't just learn through book knowledge. DO the work, over time, with people who understand ADHD and emotional issues and trauma. It's slow and sometimes paineful, but the growth you can experience is life-changing.
Thank you Melissa.
Submitted by Martijn-D on
Thank you Melissa. As from the date I was diagnosed I'm in therapy and on meds. Seems to help. But yes it's a long road ahead.
Sometimes it's just really hard that something that happens in a millisecond has so much impact...
I'm willing to work on myself and letting happen what crosses my path during treatment.
Thanks again.
Work on yourself
Submitted by adhd32 on
Stop pursuing her and work on what YOU can change. She may have other issues with your behavior and actions which she may not have shared with you besides this one incident. Perhaps your very public violent behavior on her birthday in front of her friends was the last straw for her. You ruined her birthday and embarrassed her.
Is it possible that there were prior incidents which she kept to herself for fear of inciting this type of behavior in you? You say you were being bullied, why not just walk away? Why was your need for retribution more important to you than honoring your girlfriend and her friends? Having ADHD is not an excuse for physical violence!
Leave her alone and work on yourself. If you stay committed to change, things could turn around. She would likely need to see your commitment to change and treatment over months or even years. Do it for yourself.
Thank you for your comment
Submitted by Martijn-D on
Thank you for your comment You're completely right.
I don't want to use ADHD as an excuse.
I know what to do! Thank you again.
Hello
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Martijn,
I'm a 47 yo man and was just diagnosed with ADHD this spring and have been workig with a therapist since February. I would echo what Melissa said about working on you first and giving your girlfriend space. It is VERY painful and scary to do this work, I'm in the midst of it, but worth it. I'm learning quite a bit about the WHY I do things and how to compensate for my ADHD and bi-polar.
I'm not a big guy, 5'5" and 165lbs, and I work in a fairly physically demanding trade. In public, without my family, I've had people avoid me, give me looks, or just seem scared. It got to me after awhile and I asked my family if I scared people. They all said yes. I realized I had an issue where I saw other people as threats and my body language was commuinicating that. My wife has told me before that my temper was a problem and while I was always in control the anger bothered her. My dad was military and grew up in a very abusive home. Physical violence was the way to solve problems at home and in the community. I wrestled in school and was never bothered by physical confrontation. That mindset did not help me relate to my wife and girls. I've had to learn how to soften my tone, LISTEN to my wife when she says "your yelling" and believe that I am yelling, ask for time to slow down, and be much more self aware. It has taken a very long time and I'm still learning how to do those things but I'm seeing change the more I practice them.
I can understand where the anger about bullying comes from but as the other poster said ADHD is not an excuse for violence. Meds and therapy have helped me with my emotional dysregulation as well as, and no judgment here just my experience, drinking less. If Im out with my wife I limit myself to one beer or mixed drink and then switch to water. At home I only have one or two drinks at night if we can afford alcohol. If not, then water or lemonade. It has helped me. Again, your situation may be different, different culture (Dutch vs USA) different background, etc. but food for thought.
Work hard on you and avoid empty promises as Melissa said. It is very hard but very worth it. Apologize sincerely for your behavior and then back up the apology with real effort to change.
All the best to brother!
Thanks
Submitted by Martijn-D on
Thanks man. I'm working my ass off and will do that for as long as it takes for me. Therapie, meds and mindfulness.
Want to get back control over myself. Stopped drinking btw. Seems that worked as a catalysator for the impulsiveness and emotions.
I didn't know it was so hard.
Hang in there
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Congrats on quitting drinking! I know how hard that is. Keep it up!
The work is insanely hard. I'm reading Melissa's first book and just this morning read that most ADHD partners underestimate the affect that untreated ADHD has had on their relationship. This is true for me and confronting that truth was/is very painful. I had to stop reading the chapter and will finish it tomorrow night after work.
I hope all goes well with you and your girlfriend. It's absolute hell to see the woman you love be so hurt and to feel powerless to change. Meds, therapy, and good books have given me hope that change is possible with hard work. Keep up the hard work!