Submitted by Mara on 06/05/2012.
As I wrote in others post here, my marriage is improving and everything is going great. The only thing that keep me a kind of frustrated, although I have learned how to deal with it through the years, is that he lost his sex drive since we got married 6 years ago. We tried medications, therapy, doctors, but nothing helped him. I almost did everything to wake up his fire but nothing looks to help. He feels bad about this too, so, he avoid to talk about it. He's charming and shows me his love in many other ways. We love each other and I have hope that one day he can get back his sex drive. Any of you has gone through a similar experience? Any suggestions? What do you think?
I want to share with you this
Submitted by Mara on
I know that sex topic can be uncomfortable for you too. I did a little extra search and I found on You Tube, a video from Melissa Orlov that gave me some light, understanding and extra hope. So, I'm looking forward to get her book. I believe her book is going to be an excellent tool to help us. I shared her video with my husband and he is hopeful too. I feel glad about his positive response, that means a lot to me. I also want to let you know that English, is not my first language, so, it's more difficult for me to express myself and feelings, please, excuse me if you note something wrong in my writing or expressions. I promises you to do my best :) Here , the link of Melissa Orlov video in case you want to watch it; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdk9pONHEEM&feature=my_liked_videos&list=...
My Diary
Submitted by Mara on
I have not received any feedback from you yet but I can feel your support, thanks. It make me feel good to come here and update my post. Is like having a Diary. In which I can vent myself. The better is that I know that people reading this can understand me. Well, finally I got Orlov's book! I'm very excited to start reading and learn some new tools to keep improving. Especially to help us to improve in our intimacy that actually is our area of concern in this moment. Wish me the best :) Thanks
any insight here
Submitted by Mara on
Well, I finally read the book. Is a great book. Reinforced us in almost every aspect.I'm glad to say that a few years ago, we were able to rebuild our relationship and we keep improving it. I was hoping more answers to understand better why some people with ADHD experience less interest in sex and how to improve it. We snuggling, holding hands, we do things that enjoy together, etc.. we have these personal and loving connections. We have good communication. But looks like nothing re ignite his sex drive. I never express him frustration or nag him about it. I respect his feelings. There was a moment a few years ago that we even could not talk about sex and nothing related to it because he felt uncomfortable. He does not kiss me passionate, just charm kisses on the lips. We went to doctors, therapists, he was on medications but nothing help. Trough the years I have learned how to respect and cope with that. I know he loves me and he show me his love in too many other ways. He's a great husband. He learned how to cope his ADHD symptoms, better than that, we BOTH learned. I believe that he does not like to talk about sex because he feels shame about it. I give him all my support and understanding. I respect his space and feelings. I know that he wants to improve his sex drive but he doesn't know how to do it and I believe that to him to know that even doctors or therapies did not help he also feel frustrated. If someone here can recommended us a book or something we really appreciate. Meanwhile , we keep focus on our love and relationship beyond sex. Yes, we feel a kind of frustrated on that but we are very grateful in too many other things,
Your words help me Mara to
Submitted by sunnygirl on
Your words help me Mara to know that I am not alone. We also cuddle and hold hands, and he massages my back during TV, but I hurt so bad at the lack of sexual content; I try not to make it about me, and I don't want to bother him for sex or make him feel bad, but I am starting to not feel womanly anymore.
Hi Sunnygirl! I understand
Submitted by Mara on
Hi Sunnygirl! I understand you. Thanks for your reply. Knowing that others are having the same situation gives me support. It's hard, I have been married for 6yrs and I still waiting for my dream honey moon. Before the wedding everything was perfect. I want to have hope to live again those special intimacy moments, but the years are passing and nothing. I'm encouraged to know that we have a great relationship despite the sexless, could be worst, so I'm glad to say that we're happy. But it could be better too. It's not easy to suppress these desires. Good luck!
I completely
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I completely sympathize.
Our marriage is improving but he doesn't seem to have much sex drive. He mentions it (i.e. last week he said, "I might get lucky") but never follows through on anything. We're at a year and half, no sex. Now granted we just moved back in together in March, so I guess I should count from there. I keep telling myself that we need to get used to each other again, but geez, it's hard not to get demoralized. He has recently starting losing weight, so I'm hoping that's an indication that he's more interested than before and wants to shape up.
My only suggestion is maybe seek counseling? Perhaps a counselor could get him to talk. The subject has come up at our counseling sessions and he blames being apart...that he had to shut down and tell himself that he didn't deserve sex in order to remain faithful. I guess I should be glad that he made such a concerted effort, but enough already!
I know there are several of us on here that are in, what seems like, a permanent drought. It's frustrating that's for sure. We didn't sleep together before we were married, but he was constantly all over me...and when we did get married he was interested (although I was the one who wasn't...too depressed over the drastic change in him following our marriage) for awhile. But as the fights increased and we eventually split up for a while, it went down the tubes.
I hope that as we continue to make progress, he will show more interest.
Thanks for the feedback!!
Submitted by Mara on
We went to a sexual therapist, counseling, doctors, medications, nothing helped. I'm trying to find a book about ADHD that can explain this better , but nothing yet, all talk about sex and relationships but none provide a deep coverage about the lack of sexual desire . Thanks for sharing your story, dazedandconfused. I really appreciate it. It's good to know that we can vent our feelings here and that we are not alone. Good luck!
Mara, I'd love to have some great words of wisdom for you
Submitted by Aspen on
We went through a deep downturn in sex (especially initiated by him which I am a firm believer in each mate needing the other to initiate sometimes) during the period immediately before and after the ADD diagnosis for my husband. We never went to the lengths that you guys went looking for answers.......we basically had his testosterone checked and it was within normal levels and that is all we did.......so it may be that what worked for us is not at all what you are dealing with.
What makes me think it could be some of the same is that you said before the wedding everything was perfect. We didn't have sex before our wedding as a religious choice, and we did have a few hiccups along the way because of our lack of experience, but in the beginning everything was frequent and passionate for us too. The downturn was gradual for us. My husband really loved his video games and we don't really have a life conducive to either of us spending a lot of time playing solo games. When we have free time, I wanted it to be together. I don't need to decompress with alone time and he really does, so this was a challenge for us especially when I started going to bed alone and he stayed up playing video games....not good.
As the ADD behaviors grew so did my anger and resentment and while his behavior was killing my desire, my reaction to his behavior was killing his. Neither of us has any interest in sex if we are angry, and there was a lot of anger in the year leading up to the ADD diagnosis. My husband was simply just unreliable and getting more so as the madder and more frustrated I got, the worse he handled his symptoms. We were falling into a parent/child relationship and no one wants to get intimate in that situation, so that really seemed to be at the core of our issues.
Immediately after diagnosis, our intimate life experienced a upturn followed by another gradual downturn. This I believe was caused by lack of knowledge of what we were dealing with. I didn't know he was grieving over his diagnosis, he certainly never explained to me that he was having a hard time coming to terms with it, so my anger came back double since now we knew what should be being done and he wasn't doing it.
I am not a 'suffer in silence' type. I will never wake up at 40 years old or whatever age those women hit where they start saying "I dont even know who I am anymore" "I internalized everything and ignored my feelings and suffered in silence for years to keep our home life stable for the kids" Ummm ....NOPE not me. If I am not happy, I want to do something about it and if my husband is doing something to cause me to be unhappy (or in the case of our sex life NOT doing something) then I am going to talk about it and I am going to find a solution if one exists.
So we talked about it, and as we understood each other better and how things looked from the other side, we both started stepping up our game. He wanted me to initiate more, which I was fine with doing as long as he was too, but if he wasn't then I stopped too. He needed to understand that looking at me with a twinkle in his eye when I was looking down and didn't even SEE him does not constitute initiation LOL
Our sex life is fine when we are both happy with the other, and we both work hard to get to and stay in that state as much as possible. I realize that his desire is a more fragile thing than mine....I don't feel like crawling into a hole for days after being yelled at (I get loud when I get mad and he doesn't, so that has also been a challenge for us to just learn to deal with each other's personalities while respecting each other's feelings)
Also, we have learned that we each have to bend especially on time. I could go an hour every time........I prefer it. Sometimes that seems too overwhelming for him, so I am ok with a quickie as long as he doesn't get too comfortable in that routine and I start feeling that is all I get. Neither of us is selfish in that way, so it has really made a difference in just working to conform to what the other needs.
I know many people who have found awesome accomodations for minimizing the impact of ADD in their families, but one of the things that frequently still is suffering is the sex life. I don't know why this is,........I expect at least some of it is resentment for feelings you don't express well (this appears to be some of what was going on with my husband....he was angry I did something but since he isn't a talker about his feelings in general sometimes that anger came out in other ways). But that is not ok with me and it makes the overall 'success' of the coping mechanisms much less valuable to me. Accomodations that involve us not having a good intimate life are to me UNSUCCESSFUL, so we have to keep searching until we can deal with both parts.
I am not willing to have no sex life and neither is my Hubby so that helps us problem solve the issues like the schedule and whatever.
I really hope you are able to find a solution that works for both of you!
My one caution for you is that it is great to support your husband and not pressure him and to be loving. I think that is vital. But the only way for 2 ppl to stay happy in a marriage is when that is going both ways, so I think repressing your desires for his sake will not work long term. He is going to have to meet you 1/2 way in my opinion. Even if he isn't up to everything all the time, he should definitely be doing something for you!
Thanks for your advise Aspen
Submitted by Mara on
I was talking again with my husband about this and he is , as always, willing to give his best, but he feels lost in how to improve it. His testosterone test was good, the Urologist did not find anything wrong, his psychiatric and our sexual therapist did not help so much, the medications did not work. I know that things went worst when at the beginning of our marriage, when we did not know about ADHD, I did nag him , we were in a parent /child relationship too and we both had anger. But when we learned about ADHD, we worked on it as a team and we improved a lot . Now our relationship is so great, we cope very well with the ADHD , the only ghost from the past that keep following us is his lack of sex desire. He thinks that all that he needs is time, well, I believe that 6 years is a lot of time, and if in 6 years I didn't see any improvement , I'm not really sure if is only a matter of time as he said. But, as you mentioned, I prefer to keep supporting him, not pressure him and keep loving him because after all , beside our sexual frustration, everything else is great, we love each other and have a functional marriage, I dare to say that we have a better relationship than some of our friends and family that does not have to deal in their marriages with ADHD. We also hope to be able to find a solution that can work for both of us. My best wishes for you Aspen, thanks!
I know 6 years is a long
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I know 6 years is a long time...esp when you're talking about sex...but with my marriage/DH, the more attention drawn to our sex life (or any issues with it), the worse things are...ALWAYS. It took me a long time to figure this out, but honestly if I leave it entirely up to him and never mention it then things are fine (quality and quantity are good..about 3-4 times a month). If I initiate, it almost seems forced to me. Fake. I just don't think he has the ability to spontaneously get 'in the mood', regardless of what he says, it shows. (he will often lose his erection if I initiate).
I admit we don't have sex as often as I would like, but after 15 years I'm tired of trying and fighting that battle. If I try to 'mess with the system', it only makes things worse. I am not sure if it is a psychological issue or physical...but something definitely goes 'wrong' with him when I make sex an issue. So it is all on him.
Hi SherriW13
Submitted by Mara on
It's looks that without doubt sex is a big issue in ADHD marriages. Affects each one of us in different ways but the result of frustration and the lack of tools to effectively deal with it is common among us. It's good to know that we are not alone. And that indeed is the ADHD symptoms that have to do something with this. Have you read the Melissa Orlov's book? She talks about Reigniting Romance and Having Some Fun, she gives some good tips about love and sex. Maybe it can help you. In my case, we follow some of her tips, we cuddle and have our special moments, we travel, we try to be spontaneous and creative...that connect us more with each other, but due his lack of sex drive .... no sex ... Hope you can find a way to improve your sex life too. Good luck! and thanks for sharing your story.
Hey, Aspen, yesterday I was
Submitted by Mara on
Hey, Aspen, yesterday I was thinking all day in what you told me ;"My one caution for you is that it is great to support your husband and not pressure him and to be loving. I think that is vital. But the only way for 2 ppl to stay happy in a marriage is when that is going both ways, so I think repressing your desires for his sake will not work long term. He is going to have to meet you 1/2 way in my opinion. Even if he isn't up to everything all the time, he should definitely be doing something for you!" . So, last night I noted that my husband was in a good mood, I took advantage of that and began to caress him I noted that he felt uncomfortable , I explained to him that we have to start to do something about this, he took my hand and he showed me how he prefers that I touch him, too slow give him tickles, too fast bother him..etc.. it's like a special formula to give him caress that he can feel comfortable with them. But this is exactly what I want, that we can be able to express our feelings on what and how we like and work on that to get back our intimacy. Well, we were agree to start in small steps to teach each other the way that we like and feel more comfortable. One step at a time. Is like to start to learn how to dance together in a way that we can fly again :) For me is a big step from him. I see him very motived and willing to improve this, he is breaking the shell where he was. We had a special moment last night, he told me how much he loves me and that he feels very lucky to have me. I hope he can be consistent with this positive attitude and that this work for us. Thanks for your encouragement.