What is an inner critic?  And how do I respond to it?

An inner critic is an inner voice that expresses disapproval, criticism, and judgment of our actions.  We all have an inner critic.  An inner critic is developed in childhood and is shaped by the way we are spoken to. Whether it’s loving, angry, encouraging or critical, whatever our parents, caregivers, teachers, or peers say to us gets imprinted in our mind.  Basically, the inner critic is an internal voice that tells us we are not enough.  Although the inner critic may come across as harsh or mean, she/he is really there to protect us and has good intentions.  An inner critic can also be the reason why we sometimes get stuck and also why we self-judge.

When an inner critic shows up here are 2 tips to minimize the negative impact:

1. Notice when the inner critic shows up and know that this is the negative voice in your mind, but not who you are.
2. Ask yourself what’s true and not true?  And speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend instead.

Let’s walk through a possible scenario:

Your spouse tells you to pick up milk on the way home and you forget as you are on the phone catching up with a friend.  You walk in the door and your spouse rolls their eyes and says “Did you forget the milk, again?”   You immediately get defensive, but deep down you are shameful and embarrassed (a feeling you are way too familiar with). And so you start your inner critic dialogue “What’s wrong with me, how could I be so forgetful.  I am such an idiot.”

Notice the inner critic dialogue.  “What’s wrong with me, how could I be so forgetful.  I am such an idiot.”  But stop it here.  Acknowledge that this is your inner critic, and gently tell it to move aside.

What's true and not true?  It is true that you forgot the milk, but that clearly doesn’t classify you as a forgetful idiot.  Now speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend.  “You are an adult with new skills to manage your forgetfulness.  What made you forget to use them this time?”

See the difference?  One scenario has your spiraling downward, while the other is curious and compassionate.   Catch the inner critic enough times and you will begin to move to step 2 more easily, minimizing the negative impact to you.  Wouldn’t you prefer to live in a more compassionate and curious world?

Anna Cuneo is a consultant with the ADHD & Marriage Consulting group.  Anna's coaching background allows her to effectively help individuals with ADHD who need executive function skill building and/or stress and anxiety reduction.  Her greatest gift to herself has been learning how to minimize her own inner critic.