I'm still doing non-stop sleuthing of H's lies and half-truths. I just can't stop because I suspect that nearly everything he tells me anymore is a lie or an exaggeration of the truth. Even if he stopped lying I still couldn't stop trying to see if he's lying. It's past the point of ever being able to believe him again. Now not only am I checking phone/text records on an hourly basis, checking to see how often he is seen on Facebook during the work day, looking at stuff around the house (bed sheets not as I left them, dirty dishes), looking at his paychecks online to detect if he's been home all day but have now found that I can actually see his timekeeping online. Just found that out yesterday by looking at the website. It just solidified what I already knew. Sure I knew he stayed home last Mon-Thurs, but he left the house for work Friday and this past Mon-Wed but yet his timekeeping for last Fri and this past Mon-Tues said "8 hours unpaid time". Yesterday though, and I was pretty sure he was at work all day from what I could detect, and yes he did indeed work an 8 hour day yesterday. Actually a 7 hour day with an hour of sick time because he went in late! I was ecstatic to see this! How sad is that? So his paycheck, which if he worked an 80 hour week without taxes taken out should be $2920, will now instead be $292. He is supposed to have $270 taken out for child support. That won't happen. He is supposed to have $130 taken out to repay a work loan. That won't happen. He has also been having his wages garnished from a debt he never paid. That won't happen.He certainly won't be paying any bills.
I simply CANNOT fathom how he continues to do this on a daily basis knowing he has all these things he needs to pay off! And he has NO idea that I know he's lying to me. He thinks he is getting away with all of this, tricking me into thinking he goes to work. I even said to him yesterday "I keep making a big pot of coffee every morning but notice you haven't been taking your thermos with coffee into work like you used to so I guess theres no reason for me to do that anymore." He goes 'Yeah I just figure I'm pretty coffeed out by the time I get to work". I dressed up more than usual yesterday for work and when I got home he just kept saying "Wow you look really good today" and then he goes "Are there some new guys at work you are trying to look hot for?" Of course he takes it there! I almost said "Yeah I am trying to find a new husband...one that goes to his job and can pay his share of the bills!" Really, what does he think I see in him at this point? He doesn't work, he doesn't pay his share of anything, he drinks too much, he is obnoxious when he drinks. Man of my dreams!
What DO you see in him at
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
What DO you see in him at this point?
Hope.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I know he probably will never change (although he'll promise me over and over that he will) but he won't I just have to focus on me and what I want to do and see him as his own entity in his own world who I come home to on a daily basis.
I totally understand wanting
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I totally understand wanting to find out what your husband actually is doing and what he's lying about. But that sounds so stressful, and stress can be bad for your physical and your emotional health. Do you see any way to cut back on the amount of time you spend tracking him?
I'm obsessed with it! I'd
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I'm obsessed with it! I'd love to cut back but I'm always drawn to find out. And it's not like he's having an affair or anything either as I'd be able to find that right away. It's just that he's not going to work. He would rather put on the act of leaving the house to keep peace with me and then come home when I leave than me getting upset at him for one more day of not going to work. Even today he kept hitting the alarm and then at 5:30 I said "So you are staying home AGAIN?" He goes "Shhhh" which is what he is famous for when he doesn't want to give me an answer. I say "Gee I'd love to stay home too". He goes "Then stay home". I say "ONE of us has got to pay the bills!" I then go "So are you going to have you share of the mortgage for me this month? Huh? Huh?" He doesn't respond but sighs and gets up and gets dressed like he's going in but then pours a cup of coffee and sits in front of his computer. I leave at 6:45 and he was supposed to be in at 5 so he's obviously not going in.
comfortable
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I've been reading all along about your situation. I'm sorry you are in this. It sort of seems (IMO, whatever that's worth) like your husband's gotten very comfortable with this routine, and doesn't see any need for it to change. From what you describe, it seems like he most likely believes that he really HAS fooled you, and that you are okay with what he's doing. (even if you occasionally drops hints to him) Most folks with ADHD don't get subtle hints, and often even LARGE ones. Everything I've read says they need absolute facts, directed to them when you get their focus. It sort of sounds like you need a total sit down with him to tell him this way of living just isn't "okay". It's caused you to become obsessed with his behavior, which can be ALL encompassing. How do I know this?I've done it myself. and I still do it at times. When I've focused TOO MUCH on what my husband is or isn't doing, it becomes mentally obsessive and wipes out any of my reasoning for what I NEED to do. I'm not trying to hurt your or put even MORE stress on you, because I KNOW you have a TON of it already. I'm just saying, this is what I've had happen to myself in all this. I'm working right now very hard to STOP the focus on him, and change almost every thought, minute to minute. It is better, and I've still got a lot more work to do.
I had to check up on him from
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I had to check up on him from work again today. Nope, don't think he went in. There are no phone calls or texts logged this morning so he didn't call in, which gave me hope, but he was on Facebook a lot again. The one that sealed it for me was that I saw he was on the web (not mobile) on Facebook at 1:45 (he doesn't get home until 2PM) and had just made a comment about a good presentation that was live on the web. He certainly wasn't watching that at work!
10 days in a row without pay, minus the one day he did go in! He is purposely doing this! Leaving the house so I won't get mad, but not going to work! He even left an hour later this morning! How does he think I'm not going to know this when he has no money on his check? Is he really okay with me paying for EVERYTHING? Is he thinking "Tomorrow I'm going to start going in again" and then he leaves the house and sits in the parking lot at work and goes 'Nah, not today, but tomorrow I'll start!". I just don't get it. He wants us to take a European vacation next year. Not likely. He has no savings and is making no money and I'm certainly not draining my bank account for a trip!
What does he think?
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ask him.
Today was something new and different!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
So this morning once again he gets up at 4AM and should be out the door by 4:15 to get to work on time. Nope. Got up on time and got dressed and then re-set the alarm. Gets up about 4:40 (he was awake the whole time) and is out of the house at 4:50. Okay so he might be taking an hour of sick time (he did that last week on the day he actually DID go in) or he might just be lessening his time that he has to drive around waiting for me to leave before coming home. Who knows...it's a crap shoot! Then 10 minutes after he leaves I hear a car door slam outside. I am guessing this is him returning home due to whatever made up issue he came up with today. Sure enough I hear the front door open. I am still in bed and just lay there seething waiting to hear "Oh my stomach is really upset I can't go to work" but he goes to the bathroom and is in there for about 5 minutes and then leaves the house again without a word to me! Okaaaaaay? So if you really are on your way to work, you got so far and then turned around because you have to go to the bathroom really bad and then leave again? Why not just stop at a gas station and go there? If he had no plans on going in I would think he would come home and go to the bathroom and then give me the usual excuse of stomach pains as to why he can't go in. It's just so bizarre! He always gives me hope that he's going in because he said yesterday "I'll finish the firepit when I get home tomorrow after work" and "I'm going to take that pork chop to work for lunch tomorrow" but he must just be saying it to be saying it!
I had hope on Friday that he went in because he didn't make a call into attendance all day, but checked his time sheet online when I got home and he had not gone in at all. He even tells me when I get home that he came home early to watch a live online presentation that started at 1PM. I said very sarcastically "YOU came home EARLY for a change? That's so WEIRD!" He just said "Yeah I came home early". I almost said "And by early you mean about 7AM?" but I didn't. So he didn't call or text anyone but still didn't show up for work and this is okay? Is he just waiting to be fired? He's not looking for any other jobs and he's not updating his resume (too much work) but he sure likes to complain about hating his job. Even if he did quit and found another job he actually went to, he will never find another job that pays as much as this one does. And if he can't pay for anything now how is he going to pay for anything with a job that pays any less? And he can't be without a job because he has to pay his daughter's medical benefits and pay child support, not to mention pay off the loans he borrowed from the company!
He just seems to be hitting bottom. I mean he seems happy, but he's on the outs with his daughter, he's not going to work and lying to me about it and then he found out on Saturday a high school friend who he hasn't seen in nearly 30 years died of a heart attack at 46. I'm sorry that this guy died but you haven't seen him in forever and you were friends on Facebook but you barely connected on there. He actually said to me "I don't know if it's me or my job by in the past 5 years I've lost my dad and now this makes 2 friends, plus I'm on the outs with my daughter." How does ANY of this (people dying!) have anything to do with your job?! It's like he is finding any excuse possible to blame things on his job. Then after he gets this news about his friend he goes to me 'What would you do if I died" and I said I didn't know. He goes 'You'd probably rejoice that I'm no longer draining your savings!" Then yesterday we saw an ad for a dating website and he goes 'Oh you've probably been on there a few times trying to replace me huh?" He knows I'm fed up with this crap and he knows I pay his share of everything because he doesn't work but seems to see the whole thing as a joke.
And then this made me wonder....
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Last Thursday I get home and after a couple of minutes H says to me "Oh I opened this by mistake because I thought it was addressed to me." I was in the other room when he said it and then as he was bringing it to me he goes "It's from your secret lover." I said "oh goody!" in jest because I knew it was a check for a design I created for this one guy who found my name on the internet. Never met the guy but he happened to live about an hour away. H knew all about me doing this design for the guy. My take on it is that he saw a personal letter addressed to me, from somebody nearby (even though only his last name was on the envelope) and thought he'd open it to try and catch me in a tryst or something. Why else would he open a letter that was CLEARLY addressed to me?! It's like he knows he's doing all kinds of wrong by not going to work so he is trying to find something I'm doing wrong!
And as much as he brings up constantly "Oh are you going to see the pool boy today?" or "It's from your secret lover" or "You've probably been on dating sites looking for someone new" or"You look really nice today. Are you trying to impress a guy at work?" makes me wonder why in the hell he feels the need to take it there every time?! Funny thing is I was closing down the laptop the other day and a pop up ad came up for Match.com. Usually these ads only come up once you've been to the site. I tell him "Oh so are you looking for a date?" and he plays the "Oh I just use this laptop for Facebook and that's it. I don't know why that popped up." However I checked his history a couple of weeks ago and wouldn't you know, he had not only gone to Match.com but had looked at a profile of a woman only about 30 minutes away from us. Not going ot work and looking up dating profiles. You're a piece of work!!