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My husband doesn't threaten divorce (maybe because he knows I might take him up on it), but I can relate to everything else in this post. It is very hard to feel hopeful when it seems that all of the responsibility to "fix" the relationship is on the non-ADHD spouse, yet the ADHD spouse seems to refuse to cooperate. I hope someone else can offer some tips. I really wish there was more research into the connection between ADHD and dementia, because the symptoms are very similar.
You see clearly. You have reacted to the unfair, the debilitating, and the out of control with an abundance of kindness and grace. Please love yourself as much and take care of your needs. Who will, if not you? And accept the empathy of someone who has also cried in the bathtub regularly.
I will tell you the same thing I said to another woman in your predicament about a month ago. I am an ADHD husband, and I behaved exactly as your husband for years - constantly shifting blame to others, treating my wife terribly and not even realizing it, putting her in these same no-win situations. You are a strong person, having tolerated this with patience. Unfortunately it is often the case that the ADHD person won't get serious about helping himself until some sort of crisis befalls him. In my opinion YOU should be the one threatening divorce, not him. He is in total denial, believe me I was there. In my case it was the threat of divorce, not once but twice, that finally got the message across. I am trying harder now, seeing the therapist, etc. but I still cannot say for sure that I won't return to where I was. I really hope not because I love my wife and don't want to hurt her anymore. Try reading Gina Pera's book called Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD? It was I BIG help to both of us.
I am making a wild guess that your husband resents that you could probably survive perfectly well without him while he knows that in reality he would struggle (he may have some sort of fantasy of a stress-free happy single life but suspects it is just that, fantasy). You have your own business, are empathetic and pick up the slack for him - and you don't have ADHD. He resents all of that and when he lashes out at you, using the d-word, he is deliberately attempting to hurt you emotionally because he suspects that is where you are vulnerable. If he draws you into conflict it will be (a) stimulating for him (b) drag you down to his level and damage your career by diverting you. If any of this is remotely true, then he's already made headway in making you doubt and blame yourself - you're on a slippery slope and he sees that he is winning. But you have much more power than you currently think. Yes, make a plan for when/if you are living alone. Even planning and knowing what you would do if he does suddenly leave will help you maintain your self-control. When he threatens, just stay calm and state your position, then remove yourself from the situation and don't respond - get on with your own life. This may well make him worse in the short term - but don't be drawn into a fight. You may not want to think of it this way - marriage as a power struggle - but if resentment is actually somewhere at the root of his behavior then it doesn't matter how YOU want to think of it because HE is thinking of it that way, and so you have no choice but to deal with it. The longer you leave the situation as it is, the more beaten down you will become and the harder it will be to find a way back. NotAnIdiot is right, I would be inclined to tell him clearly that unless he treats you with more respect (and commits to manage his ADHD more successfully) then he is the one who may find himself divorced.
"I can handle managing 95% of our lives and letting the 5% just not get done."
You're clearly capable, you could do it but you shouldn't do it. He's not a helpless baby, he has a condition that can be managed (and he would possibly feel better about himself if he did take over more responsibilities even if he struggles). It may be very difficult for him in some areas - he may have issues such as procrastination and prioritization, memory problems etc, but those are not excuses for leaving it all to you.
"My only option is silence."
No, you must learn to stand up for your boundaries and not let him hurt your self-esteem or your situation will worsen until you're worn out and a mere shadow of your former self. You have a lot going for you. Having empathy for him does not (not, not, NOT) mean letting him trample on your self-worth.
A last word on his meds - is he receptive to discussing them with his doctor? Some people manage fine on Adderall alone but if he is looking for fights, has mood swings and possibly depression then his doctor may be able to help him by trying other meds.
You may find, because you seem a sensitive, compassionate person, that sunlight's analysis of your husband's motives seems harsh. For what it's worth, I find it a spot on analysis of my own afflicted husband's behavior, with one caveat: from his pained and damaged perspective, all those acts of his which hurt me with their rage and cruelty and manipulation, are--to him-- confused and half-blind attempts to retain dignity and self-respect by shifting blame and finding a momentary (albeit inappropriate) outlet for his own pain.
But whether our spouses' destructive behaviors are conscious or unconscious is of limited significance. What matters is that we know we cannot sustain living like this. For many of us in these sorts of marriages, the journey seems to begin with trying to "understand" and then, past a certain point, realizing that "understanding" will always be incomplete, and to some extent, a distraction from what is more important: setting boundaries, as sunlight advises you.
She's right about the meds, too. My husband says they are really helping--who am I to rob him of hope, as if that were even possible? But since he cannot face himself and his behaviors, and since his trail of disasters remains unending, it's not clear to me or his weary children how he has "improved". What has improved life, is that he no longer lives under the same roof. He is on both ADHD meds and medicated for anxiety. Our oldest son, who has inherited the most intense ADHD, is now on ADHD meds and anti-depressants. By all means, if you have any influence, do help your spouse explore the most effective possible treatment, including exploring the possibility of additional ADHD-related issues to medicate...But don't let armchair diagnosing divert you from what you know you need to do for you.
I can relate. I'm sad about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I can relate. I'm sad about my dead marriage right now; otherwise, I'd probably respond at more length.
My husband doesn't threaten
Submitted by smfn on
My husband doesn't threaten divorce (maybe because he knows I might take him up on it), but I can relate to everything else in this post. It is very hard to feel hopeful when it seems that all of the responsibility to "fix" the relationship is on the non-ADHD spouse, yet the ADHD spouse seems to refuse to cooperate. I hope someone else can offer some tips. I really wish there was more research into the connection between ADHD and dementia, because the symptoms are very similar.
I was just thinking about this
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
smfn,
I really wish there was more research into the connection between ADHD and dementia, because the symptoms are very similar.
I had just read this poem the other day and was thinking along the same line.
Do not ask me to remember,
Don’t try to make me understand,
Let me rest and know you’re with me,
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept,
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me,
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different through I try.
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone,
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ’til my life is done.
-Author Unknown
Liz
thanks Liz...
Submitted by julie jay on
love this poem. i just copied and emailed it to myself, for the very "hard" days, like the one the OP obv had.........
xoxo, julie jay
Can we relate?!!!
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Listen to me lostincalifornia -
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I will tell you the same thing I said to another woman in your predicament about a month ago. I am an ADHD husband, and I behaved exactly as your husband for years - constantly shifting blame to others, treating my wife terribly and not even realizing it, putting her in these same no-win situations. You are a strong person, having tolerated this with patience. Unfortunately it is often the case that the ADHD person won't get serious about helping himself until some sort of crisis befalls him. In my opinion YOU should be the one threatening divorce, not him. He is in total denial, believe me I was there. In my case it was the threat of divorce, not once but twice, that finally got the message across. I am trying harder now, seeing the therapist, etc. but I still cannot say for sure that I won't return to where I was. I really hope not because I love my wife and don't want to hurt her anymore. Try reading Gina Pera's book called Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD? It was I BIG help to both of us.
Resentment, bullying and power
Submitted by sunlight on
lostincalifornia,
I am making a wild guess that your husband resents that you could probably survive perfectly well without him while he knows that in reality he would struggle (he may have some sort of fantasy of a stress-free happy single life but suspects it is just that, fantasy). You have your own business, are empathetic and pick up the slack for him - and you don't have ADHD. He resents all of that and when he lashes out at you, using the d-word, he is deliberately attempting to hurt you emotionally because he suspects that is where you are vulnerable. If he draws you into conflict it will be (a) stimulating for him (b) drag you down to his level and damage your career by diverting you. If any of this is remotely true, then he's already made headway in making you doubt and blame yourself - you're on a slippery slope and he sees that he is winning. But you have much more power than you currently think. Yes, make a plan for when/if you are living alone. Even planning and knowing what you would do if he does suddenly leave will help you maintain your self-control. When he threatens, just stay calm and state your position, then remove yourself from the situation and don't respond - get on with your own life. This may well make him worse in the short term - but don't be drawn into a fight. You may not want to think of it this way - marriage as a power struggle - but if resentment is actually somewhere at the root of his behavior then it doesn't matter how YOU want to think of it because HE is thinking of it that way, and so you have no choice but to deal with it. The longer you leave the situation as it is, the more beaten down you will become and the harder it will be to find a way back. NotAnIdiot is right, I would be inclined to tell him clearly that unless he treats you with more respect (and commits to manage his ADHD more successfully) then he is the one who may find himself divorced.
"I can handle managing 95% of our lives and letting the 5% just not get done."
You're clearly capable, you could do it but you shouldn't do it. He's not a helpless baby, he has a condition that can be managed (and he would possibly feel better about himself if he did take over more responsibilities even if he struggles). It may be very difficult for him in some areas - he may have issues such as procrastination and prioritization, memory problems etc, but those are not excuses for leaving it all to you.
"My only option is silence."
No, you must learn to stand up for your boundaries and not let him hurt your self-esteem or your situation will worsen until you're worn out and a mere shadow of your former self. You have a lot going for you. Having empathy for him does not (not, not, NOT) mean letting him trample on your self-worth.
A last word on his meds - is he receptive to discussing them with his doctor? Some people manage fine on Adderall alone but if he is looking for fights, has mood swings and possibly depression then his doctor may be able to help him by trying other meds.
agreeing with sunlight...
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
You may find, because you seem a sensitive, compassionate person, that sunlight's analysis of your husband's motives seems harsh. For what it's worth, I find it a spot on analysis of my own afflicted husband's behavior, with one caveat: from his pained and damaged perspective, all those acts of his which hurt me with their rage and cruelty and manipulation, are--to him-- confused and half-blind attempts to retain dignity and self-respect by shifting blame and finding a momentary (albeit inappropriate) outlet for his own pain.
But whether our spouses' destructive behaviors are conscious or unconscious is of limited significance. What matters is that we know we cannot sustain living like this. For many of us in these sorts of marriages, the journey seems to begin with trying to "understand" and then, past a certain point, realizing that "understanding" will always be incomplete, and to some extent, a distraction from what is more important: setting boundaries, as sunlight advises you.
She's right about the meds, too. My husband says they are really helping--who am I to rob him of hope, as if that were even possible? But since he cannot face himself and his behaviors, and since his trail of disasters remains unending, it's not clear to me or his weary children how he has "improved". What has improved life, is that he no longer lives under the same roof. He is on both ADHD meds and medicated for anxiety. Our oldest son, who has inherited the most intense ADHD, is now on ADHD meds and anti-depressants. By all means, if you have any influence, do help your spouse explore the most effective possible treatment, including exploring the possibility of additional ADHD-related issues to medicate...But don't let armchair diagnosing divert you from what you know you need to do for you.
boundariesboundariesboundariesboundariesboundariedboundaries...yes?