So I tell H last night when I get home that I am going out with my friend on Tuesday after work. His first response was "Oh yeah?" in an actual nice tone like "good for you", but then that immediately turned into "Oh fine I see how it is. Go do your pub crawl with her and not me that's fine" I then tell him "It's not a pub crawl it's dinner. We can still do the pub crawl after work some day". He goes "No no that's fine. Go have your fun and I'll just party it up here". I got real quiet and walked out of the room wanting to cry. Then about an hour later she called me to finalize plans and I wasn't on the phone with her for more than 30 seconds before he comes in the room and says really loud while I'm talking to her "Oh is that my competition on the phone with you"? This is his response EVERY damn time I make plans to go do something with a friend or if there's an activity after work with co workers. I haven't gone out with my friend (or anyone else for that matter!) in almost 6 months and I haven't done an after work activity since February because I always get this same response and it upsets me so much that I don't even want to go out because I don't want to deal with it. When I made plans to go out to lunch and a play with my friend back in January H told me "I'm glad to see you getting out of the house. I wish you'd go out and do more things on your own". Now I get this sarcastic response if I dare go do something without him.
He came up to me later last night and said "What's wrong with you? Why are you so quiet?" I tell him that I'm tired of his snarky attitude to me for going out. He immediately starts laughing and goes "Oh my god woman I am not being snarky! I am just joking! I am fine with you going out. Like I said, I'll just be partying it up here." I say "I wish you would be nice about it then". He then does a fake "Okay I hope you have a good time" and rolls his eyes and walks away in a huff. Of course he turned this all around on me and made me feel like I was the one with the problem.
Why is it so damn hard for him to just say nicely "Oh that's great. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get home". Why does it always turn into this big production of a guilt trip which he then turns into me being too sensitive because he was just kidding the whole time??
Husband gives me a snarky attitude for going out with a friend! Is this typical of an ADHDer?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 06/20/2014.
It happens here at home a lot
Submitted by copingSAH on
It happens here at home a lot too with us! I'll do something but he thinks he's being funny and kidding. The thing is, I'm not a butt of a roommate or buddy. I'm his wife. I will say one thing. When he jokes around like that, it is not funny at all. For instance:
me: * Crossing over bridge on foot, small talk* I wonder if the homes below get a lot of debris.
add spouse: Well why don't you jump off the bridge and find out?
---------
son: *win sports awards* I feel so healthy these days.
add dad: well, the only thing left to do is kill yourself.
I. am. bloody. serious. this is what we hear all the time. It's not funny, it's crude, rude, and above all, undermining to self-esteem. It's like we're not worth the accomplishments or abilities we are capable of.
When he jokes around like that, I can't help feel like I'm married to the character Ralph Kramden of The Honeymooners. Got a heart but can't help but always puts his foot into his mouth.
It's very detrimental to my
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
It's very detrimental to my self esteem! Why should I feel bad for going out to dinner with a friend I haven't seen in 6 months? Why does he tell me that I need to go and do more stuff on my own, but yet when I finally do I get such a demeaning response? He's so flipping into this new computer game I don't think he knows if I'm there or not. He certainly can't sit and watch a 30 minute show on tv with me without having to leave to get back to his game so why is he upset with me being at dinner with a friend for a few hours compared to me sitting on the couch on my own for 2 hours while he plays his game?
Hi Mapper :)
Submitted by c ur self on
Just reading your post, and I can identify with it from both sides....It could be many things...lack of trust, Jealousy, desire to control or just his own insecurities...When I read these posts I always life to give advise about not responding to statements that are not loving and kind. So to protect our own emotional stability...but, I understand it's much easier to type than to do...dealing with sarcasm regularly can sure test our metal....Go enjoy yourself :)
So it's been 2 weeks since I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
So it's been 2 weeks since I canceled dinner plans with my friend due to my husband's snarky response to me going out which was apparently "just a joke". I told her I would reschedule, but I haven't. He told me the night I was supposed to meet her "Oh I thought you were going to dinner?" and I told him that I canceled because she wouldn't be able to meet until later in the evening not the real reason of his attitude. He said he was sorry he said that. Great, you are sorry too late and I'm sure you aren't sorry at all! I was sitting around bored yesterday wanting to do something since he was on the computer all day. He tells me "Give your friend a call and do something". Do you REALLY mean it or are you just saying that? I am so reluctant to do ANYTHING with ANYONE anymore unless he is gone or has plans himself. Just the idea of telling him I am going to dinner with someone makes my stomach hurt. So rather than get out of the house I sit there twiddling my thumbs because I don't want to broach the subject with him. Then if I do go out all I'll be thinking is "Did he expect me home at 9 and it's now 9:30 and he'll be pissed?" I will not be able to enjoy myself.
snarky attitude
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi. sorry you are going through this with your husband. I get some of that from my ADHD husband, but not as much as yours. If I go out for a couple hours, my DH calls and says "Where ARE you?......You've been gone ALL DAY". when it was only a couple of hours. First of all, I don't drive as fast as he does to GET places, which takes me longer, and what is the difference if I spend ALL DAY out somewhere? I never do, but I don't understand why it bothers him. I live in severe chronic pain, and getting out of the house isn't easy for me the past couple of years.
The funny this is..........that in all the past years, I used to ask HIM if we could go places, and DO things. To which he would usually reply...."I have work to do". So, we really didn't go very many places. He likes going out to dinner, because most of what he eats is red meat, so having steak for dinner is one of his "idea" forms of entertainment. I would rather go to a museum or a zoo, or someplace where we could experience something new. But, now that I know about ADHD, going to a museum must be equivalent to torture for him. All the years that we COULD have done things, we didn't, and now that I physically CAN'T is hurtful and depressing. I know it bothers him, but I wore my body out trying to keep UP with everything. The stress of living with a "tornado" in the house, the extreme messes I was always picking up after, the shopping, cooking, cleaning, yard work, keeping the cars clean, AND working, was just too much for my body to handle. Plus, I have NO stress receptors anymore. I can't handle any type of stress any more without my whole body going into the shakes. It plain just wore me OUT.
That is the same thing I deal
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
That is the same thing I deal with! We live in Washington state which is beautiful with so many outdoor activities to do. H pitches a fit anytime it's cold and rainy rather than warm and sunny. Yet when it is warm and sunny, like it's been for the past week, his idea of getting out is going into the back yard to look at the garden and then going back to his video game. Oh how I would love to go up into the mountains or to the ocean for a weekend or just to museums and the zoo as you say. He is always so intent on riding his motorcycle but never does. We could take that for an outing, but the only places he ever wants to go with that is to a bar. He offered to go for a walk with me last weekend, which he never does, and then turns it into an exasperated "Well we have to get you out of the house don't we?" Like he's doing me a huge favor! I would have been out of the house doing things on my own long ago if I didn't think you were going to pitch a fit because I was going out and I'd probably get a sarcastic comment of "Oh are you going to meet the pool boy?"
He gets upset because I never go and do anything on my own and gets upset if I go out and am gone too long! What is it EXACTLY that I should be doing??!!