Submitted by waldewin on 09/18/2016.
Hi everybody,
My adhd boyfriend is exemplary in many ways- namely he actually does housework, he is also working on getting his finances together etc. The problem is- he still gets angry very very quickly and often times he remains angry for hours. To me these seem to be small things, such like- I did not look at him when I was talking to him while we were taking a walk or I asked him if he is going to finish the icecream (I should have just understood that he is going to do this) etc etc. He often times tells me that his anger is completely justified, because I have disrespected him. I can understand this in some situation, for instance I could vaguely understand him in situation where he is tieing his shoelaces and I am moving foarward slowly instead of stopping with him. However, I am not super attentive person myself and I feel that everytime I am not giving all my attention on him and anticipating how he wants me to behave, he gets angry. Things have developed so far that I really do not want to do anything together with him. We manage to fight at least once a day and that is when we both spend only couple of hourse together at home. I used to think that the problems were mine, because my adhd can be very convincing, but now, after years of therapy, he still finding new and new things he thinks I should change. I, on the other hand am getting more and more disappointed, because I feel that I have put in a lot of effort, but we are still standing in the same place as we were one year ago, with one exception- I am starting to notice how badly he often times treats me.
Anyways, just wanted to hear your stories that are related or any advice,
Best
waldewin
<<ften times tells me that
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<ften times tells me that his anger is completely justified, because I have disrespected him. I can understand this in some situation, for instance I could vaguely understand him in situation where he is tieing his shoelaces and I am moving foarward slowly instead of stopping with him. However, I am not super attentive person myself and I feel that everytime I am not giving all my attention on him and anticipating how he wants me to behave, he gets angry. Things have developed so far that I really do not want to do anything together with him. We manage to fight at least once a day and that is when we both spend only couple of hourse together at home.>>>
You need to get out of this relationship. These are all huge red flags flashing. Things will get WORSE, not better.
"I could vaguely understand him"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
waldewin,
I think you have clearly explained a conundrum that has puzzled me for years. We each have our own psychological and emotional make-up. Dealing with emotional responses in our relationships is not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. - there certainly are extenuating circumstances that make some things funny one day, yet hurtful another, yet something that isn't even noticed on another.
As a relationship grow, so does the response to everyday things. I think we have all heard stories about stuff, that both we and our beloved did in the early days of our courtships, that we thought were so cute and adorable - but often become annoying later on in marriage.
There are some people that are touchy - and some people who take so much time and energy to be around, they just seem to suck the energy right out of us. Some relationships are easy, and some take so much effort, it completely drains us of even wanting to choose to spend time with them. Oh, you love them, and/or care for them, but there is just no energy left after a conversation with them to do anything but go and take a nap. It takes so much energy and work to have a discussion with them, that it is sometimes the unfortunate choice to just not be around them.
There is a place for a balance in everything. Most people have a bad day, or week, or even a whole season. We all say things in anger, frustration, or when we are tired or hungry. . . . .it is human.
Learning to get a hold of ourselves, and choosing when to have deep conversation about difficult issues - is a life skill. It is important to choose when to discuss those things- - such as when we are well rested, when we are not hungry, and when we are not already fired up about a different subject.
The other side of this people skill is choosing, when we get invited to one of these discussion (when someone else is angry, or tired, or hungry) - to say, "This really is not a good time to have that discussion. Let's pick it up again - - - -tomorrow morning. . . .or after supper . . . . .or next week." And if the other person keeps going at it, to walk away.
Some days, all we want is a simple apology. "Sorry I am going to be late." "Sorry I was late." Sorry. I apologize. I didn't realize it would affect you like that. Someday we would like to focus to be on us, rather than try to identify what the other person was doing and put a higher value on their actions rather than our own feelings.
All this needs to have balance. It is when it gets off balance, and there is not an apology, but an angry response to our feelings, that turns the whole thing into a real mess.
Differences of opinions that stir up defensiveness, rather than respect of someone else, are hard to deal with on an ongoing basis. Even trying to discuss that issue, gets the problem deeper and deeper when, instead of simply looking at the isolated incident, apologizing, and letting it work its way through, it turn into, "When was the last time I did that. . . . " "I've never done that. . . . ." "How can you accuse me. . . ." "Well, how about when YOU do that to ME. . . . "
Oiy.
Yes, it is all very difficult.
What is the conventional balance towards emotions that are too intense for the situation, defensive posturing towards someone else's irritations, or even the ability to work through negative emotions. . . . . . . . .?
What are strategies that can work? I wish I knew. I have struck out in my many attempts to find the answers.
Are these some of the poor behavior strategies that were learned during years of growing up with undiagnosed ADHD? Are these things that can be adjusted, and changed, and unlearned? Again, I wish I knew. Another place where I have struck out in my many attempts to find answers.
It is complicated. It is a very difficult situation to be.
Very truly,
Liz
Waldewin.....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
The disrespect thing is sooo frustrating. It is more often misunderstanding(but given the disrespect label).....but then it is sorting out the who what where and why of the miscommunication.....Oh my! Have you considered counseling? for you? for you both? Someone versed in adhd that could help sort things out?
I can see you are very weary of your circumstances and this alone makes anyones mind muddled. And that is certainly not good when dealing with adhd. Do you have a support person or persons who can help you navigate(with honesty not bias) your relationship?
You are in my thoughts and please let us know how you are doing?
waldewin,about his mother
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Glad you are here. This relationship is definitely too hard on you right now. He needs much work learning about himself before he should ever focus on you. He's using you as a distraction to NOT look at his own behavior.Don't fall for it.
Did his mother coddle him, or dismiss his behavior when he was a child? My ADHD husbands mother did this, and would "over praise" my husband for just basic things like bringing her a cup of coffee, etc. She then demonized his siblings, it was messed up. How did he learn to relate to others in his childhood home? I bet it will be similar to how he treats you. Just wondering.
This will only get worse until HE gets help.
Hi all,
Submitted by waldewin on
Hi all,
THank you for your responses. Unfortunately I do not have any other support person besides my therapist (I am living in a foreign country and have not managed to make any real friends here). What concerns me about him is that his first impulse is always to blame others. He is excellent at pointing out how his colleagues are stupid, how our landlord is out of line etc etc. So he is not behaving like this only with me. When I do point him out that actually he might have contributed to the situations and done something wrong, he gets angry. Sometimes it is possible to talk to him, but honestly I am getting really tired. To me it seems rather obvious that relationship has too sides and you should ask yourself what you are doing wrong as well. Not to him.
Today we had another argument on the topic where he suggested that I am unemphatic and my reactions are problematic (He told me that his colleague is behaving like a spoiled child whereby I felt the need to ask clarifying questions and tell him that partially his colleagues behavior is understandable).
I feel that this kind of attitude is making my life very complicated, because he is actually not working on the things he does wrong- he just assumed that everyone else is at fault. He is ready to defend his territory and if need be alienate other people and me in the process.
The last time we took a trip together with friends, I was feeling embarassed because he was getting so much attention and was treated with care and consideration. Most of the time he was behaving nicely, but then whenever he got annoyed, he really took it out either on me or everybody else. I felt that the beginning of the trip when he was not there, was way more enjoyable for everybody.
The reason I am waking up to it only right now, is that in the past he has put his anger outburst only on me. I am not emphatic enough, I have rejection issues, I am not detail focused enough, I am not attentive enough, I have issues with security- the list goes on forever. I am starting to understand that often times my reactions are pretty normal- thanks to years of therapy. I have also changed so many of my behaviors and the fact that he still has so many problems with me, in my mind illustrates that it is pretty difficult to have a harmonious relationship with him and furthermore, he does not yet see his role in all of it.