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Hi J, I've seen a couple of your messages now that are blank. We've seen that happen before; make sure you're writing the body of the text into the commentary area, not the title.
When you type out your title in the top box, then put your post in the second box, it will not print...You have to skip a box and type your post in the 3rd box, titled Body...If you already have it typed in the second box, you can cut and paste it into the body box....LOL....think that's right, it happened to me a time or two....
Heads up. This may be a long post so I'm going to divide it up into sections accordingly, using Dickens story in part, as my own. I'm taking the place of the Ebanezer Scrooge character and his life, because I had a sort of, revelation, that my own life parreleled the character's story in many ways. To do this, I have to take on the same perspective as the one in the story if I can. At least that's what I'm shooting for.
As I look at myself in my past as a child...I see a hyperactive kid who could barely be contained at times. My mother couldn't turn around for a second, without having eyes in the back of her head at all times. I was always into stuff, causing a wake of chaos wherever I went. I couldn't keep my hands off anything! Always touching, always feeling.... going where I shouldn't be going....doing things I shouldn't be doing...moving...moving....I had no boundaries whatsoever. Leaving messes for my mother to clean up after me where ever I went. I'm sure my mother was exhausted and exasperated much of the time.
The trouble was usually minor. More, just non stop kinetic energy that got on everyone's nerves. And I could be loud...and I talked alot. It must have been an assault on anyone's senses who were in my close proximity.
In school....my number one offense that I was punished for, constantly was talking in class. I was a multiple time offender. I was definitely a disruptive force to be around for sure. The only saving grace I had was, I could be amusing too...at the sane time.
Always climbing on everything....always moving....energy...energy...energy... I could barely be contained. At times I felt as though I could jump right out of my own skin. I had the same energy as a young cat...constantly exploring and getting into everything at all times. No wonder I got reprimanded so much! The now me would have reprimanded the then me too! How annoying I was....a major disruption of the peace.
And of course, I had absolutely no concept of why people got angry with me at times. I was oblivious to the effect this energy was having on others. I was always lost inside my head...inside my own thoughts.
There never was any intention to my actions other than to escape boredom and find things that were stimulating and entertaining.
And for this I was punished. I never made the connection. Like a dog you try and punish for pooping on the floor an hour after they did it. The dog has no idea why they are being hit.
This usually came from the dominant energy force in the family...this particular force demanded, above all else, respect and obedience. Any show of disobedience was seen as a form of disrespect and met with swift retaliation. All I could feel was the anger and hatred...this is the only thing I knew or walked away with from these moments.
And...there was no other lesson learned here.....and I lived in fear from what I did not understand....and I felt very disconnected and alone because of it.
I was on a trip with a friend and my ADHD kid was misbehaving. We usually only medicate her for school, but I had the AHA moment and made her take her medicine. A half hour later she was great. She stopped running around and getting lost and throwing fits for things. Friend didn't realize that the misbehavior was a symptom and was amazed how obviously well the medication worked. I explained it as "Imagine people keep yelling at you for things you don't know you're doing. You can't stop doing it because you don't know what it is. Now you're frustrated and still don't know what is wrong."
*So here, I have to stray from the original story line a bit. As I see myself now, I actually see two very distinct people: the one before I was diagnosed, and the one after. I could actually go a step further to include: and the one after I started medication which was about 5 years after I was diagnosed. At the time, I didn't hear the therapist tell me I had ADHD because my mind was too busy thinking about something else and that something else was not getting divorced. It simply didn't register, went right over my head.....I knew nothing about ADHD.
The diagnosing PhD in Psychology didn't prescribe medicine and his approach to therapy was not ADHD based and came at my particular issues from a different direction. It was certainly helpful none the less and was not a waste of time by any means.
Anyway, I'll be taking the position of seeing myself before I was diagnosed at age 45 as a completely undiagnosed, uneducated about anything to do with the psychology of it, and most importantly ....an un-medicated guy with ADHD. Here we go.....
At about age 28, I began to notice there was something really wrong. Not that I didn't notice things wrong in my younger life before...but this is about where it started to become a real problem.
Up until this time, my life was simply finding lots of stimulating activities to do. Anything outdoors that involved: motors, hiking, camping, water sports and being on a Mountain ( or any combination of the above ) is where you'd be apt to find me. Being on top of a mountain was my happy place.
And before that...I was pretty much training for some kind of competition including doing some triathlons. * side note...intensive exercise. How I completely by accident and completely unaware that I was actually treating my ADHD at the same time.
Fast forward back to 28 years old...where I was working 10 to 12 hours a day 6 days a week, and I was no longer exercising all the time. I was no longer recreating and doing other strenuous activities all the time either. And the responsibilities of trying to run a business and co-owning a condo with one of my old friends started to come crashing down on me.
I was very unsuccessfully keeping a clean house, doing laundry, I almost never ( like 99% of the time ) ironed or put away clothes, keeping up on bills on time ( usually waited until the final notice or something actually getting turned off before paying ), usually had some kind of fire to put out at any given moment, and cleaning house was mostly a semi-annual event.
And this...was in a condo where the outside maintenance was taken care of for you. Now enter....buying an entire house with 1/2 acre of property to take care of. "Sure" I thought. "I can handle this". The Dunning Krueger effect in full swing here.
And then ....I got married. My thought process and criteria for marriage was something along the lines of: good sex first thing in the morning and at night ( dopamine ), and she loves camping and doing outdoor things like skiing.
Bingo, I just found the perfect woman!
Needless to say, this didn't last very long. She ran off with some other guy and I was left standing there scratching my head. Par for the course.
All of these things happened within a span of about 3 years. My inability to keep up was becoming painfully clear. No matter how hard I tried to focus on getting one area of my life under control..I was failing at several more all at the same time and the stress was just about unbearable. I started to exhibit some OCD behaviors around this time too...which I managed to get under control by myself because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and because even I thought it was weird.
"What is going on here!!" I thought. "Why can't I just get my s#@t together like everyone else? "I see others doing alot more than me, and I can't even put my clothes away or keep a clean house?"
"What is wrong with me?" I thought.
That much I knew for sure.... there definitely was something wrong.
Enter...my second wife. And I was truly committed to making it work at all costs. She was good friend well before we even started dating. I thought ," this is a solid way to begin a relationship."...and it was.... much different than before.
My one and only plan was to make this one work...until death do us part. We were together for almost 14 years, but it didn't work either. She also left...and I was still there scratching my head once again.
This was when I was first diagnosed while in marriage counseling in an effort to save our marriage. I can't say I didn't try but trying wasn't good enough because I wasn't trying in the right way. It was right after she left when I first started taking ADHD meds.
This is my shoot from the hip answer; I hope you'll forgive me if I come back with something more tangible later. But for now I just want to say that my heart goes out to the little boy you described. Everything you say about him - how annoying he was, how he couldn't stop talking - is exactly what my two daughters say about themselves. They're ashamed of it. One is diagnosed, the other sees a psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow.
I want the little boy in you (the ghost of Christmas past) to know that they are NEVER annoying. They spend so much of their energy finding ways to connect to others, and their unique views of the world are delightful. In fact, I think it's a superpower that they both share that they can entertain anyone, at any time, with completely unique and amazing ways to connect.
For example, my eldest spend time in the hospital with her grandma yesterday, teaching grandma how to "speak GenZ", and "understand GenZ emojis". I was floored. It was adorable, entertaining, and obviously driven by a desire for connection.
So that's my response for your ghost of the past - really I think you're being too harsh on him, and he was likely also completely delightful and lovable to those of us who are too contained within ourselves.
For the ghost of the present I have less to give you, other than to say that if my husband (dx ar age 47) would have come her to write anything that you wrote above, we would be in a totally different place. Your capacity for self-reflection means so so much.
I wish you well, and will think more on this. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
"Business. Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"
This is where my revelation came from. In the script that's my life, my father plays the part of Jacob Marley. This year marks the 40th anniversary of his death when I was 26 years old.
After he died, my mother confided in me that he told her not more than two weeks before he death, that my father, laying in a hospital bed, lamented that he wasn't a good father.
My mother and I had had many conversations about why my dad was such a dick. ( putting it bluntly ) So between my own experience and my mother giving her version, I would definitely say my father could have done better.
Everyone in his business dealings loved him, and if you wanted advise about business you could go to none better. I on the other hand saw the man behind the curtain and was less than impressed. At home, he was kind of a tyrant, prone to have a short fuse and hot temper.
There's also something else to do with this particular anniversary of my dad's death and that is....I'm the exact same age as my father was when he died. This is significant in many ways and it brings his words to my mother back to my ears.
How sad it was, that only when he came face to face with his own mortality did admit that he really wasn't a good father. And including my mom, it was hard not to disagree with him.
Not only was I not sad about my fathers passing, but I was actually relieved. I felt a great sense of freedom to be released from this oppressive feeling I'd carried around with me for so long.
To the point, I can't even remember his funeral. I was definitely there, but don't remember a thing?
What a legacy he left for me to remember him by? How sad that he couldn't see beyond making money as the most important thing in his life. And it definitely was.
This is the warning to me, from my father's own mouth. In my case, not being a good husband or partner is how I would apply it. As Jacob Marley tried to warn Scrooge, that he was blinded by his own self serving ways.
After writing this, it brought back a few memories of my dad. It reminded me that he was very ill much of my childhood. When I was about 8 years old, the doctor told him he only had about 5 years to live if he didn't stop smoking. He'd been smoking since he was 10 years old ( according to him ) but I think it was possibly earlier than that. In the end, he did stop and started exercising. When he'd take me to early morning swim workouts before school, he would ride his bike around the neighborhood at the same time. He ended up living 16 years instead, which was largely because he heeded his doctors advise.
Anyway, it was a long slow decline and not a fun way to die. His mobility slowly diminished to the point that he could barely even climb one flight of stairs in our house. To go down and up the stairs one time completely winded him to the point he had to sit down and recover. This was when I was about 13.
I remember this because just before that time when we were traveling once, there was a pool table in the hotel and we played it for quite a while. Once we came home, not long after, he bought a pool table for our basement. I was kind of shocked and surprised because that was very unlike him to spend that kind of money on recreational equipment.
After dinner many nights, we would go downstairs and shoot pool. I was amazed at how good he was shooting pool and bowling. Like really good at bowling! His scores were well over 200 at times. Where did he learn to become so good at these things I wondered? He never told me, as he almost never said anything about his childhood or his family growing up. It still remains a mystery but I think I have a pretty good idea why he never talked about it.
But it required a huge effort on his part just to make it downstairs to play pool with me.
He was slowly dying and he knew it. I can certainly cut him some slack and acknowledge he was trying even many more times. I'd be grumpy too under those conditions.
He was doing the best he could and I can forgive him for what he was not able to do.
"Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him."
I think most of us know what happens when Scrooge is shown his ultimate fate by the spirit of the future. And he begs the Spirit: is there nothing I can do to change these images you've shown me?
If the past is the best predictor of the future, then I've got to make sure not to repeat it. Ive been given another chance and I want to make sure I don't repeat the past and make the same mistakes as before. I've got some work to do.
This is where I am right now....
When I read the last lines of A Christmas Carol after many years of actually reading it, I saw the line: and he lived by the Total Abstinence Principle....
I wasn't exactly sure what Dickens meant so I looked it up.
"He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge."
"*The Total Abstinence Principle has nothing to do with being teetotal; instead it is abstinence from being selfish, bitter, mean-spirited, angry, greedy, grasping, self -centred and unforgiving."
And there it is right there in black and white. We ADHD ers need things to be set right in front of us so we can see things sometimes. At least I do!
Im trying to set goals and this was really helpful for me to see. Even if not with intention, these things on this short, list.... I'm thinking, are what others see sometimes?
And it also reminds me, that when I look in the eyes of my SO ....I'm actually looking at my-self at times.
It was suggested by the marriage counselor that I had in a private meeting, that I seemed to have a pattern of choosing women who were my opposites. He went on to explain that, while it may been fun new and exciting at first, those opposite qualities later become things that become a problem in relationships.
Taking his advise, I tried to keep that in mind for any future relationship and it's seems, I really hit the ADHD jackpot this time! Lol
We are incredibly alike in a number of ways and making decisions together, our tastes and sense of humor and thinking are very much the same. There really were no major fireworks or infatuation...just realizing that we seemed very much alike and appeared to be a good match.
But most importantly....we share the same values. I didn't forget that part.
The biggest challenge we seem to face has to do with me, living with myself. That is....living with someone with ADHD and being confronted with someone who has many of the same symptoms. I need to remind myself that I'm looking in the mirror when I start getting annoyed.
It is both humbling and sobering at times.
Things to think about.
"Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him."
Yes.
I have to live with myself most importantly. It doesn't really matter what others think or how they judge me....what's most important is what I think of myself and if I'm doing the right thing. Ultimately, I have to judge myself. I know, and that's good enough.
J
PS Almost forgot to mention. The central theme in this story deals with greed and giving. Giving being the main take away ...as well as grace possibly. I can also see giving grace is what I need to give my SO at times. Just a thought.
"Practice empathy: Recognize that both people are going through a difficult time.
Allow grace for mistakes: Forgive easily, and remember that both people are trying to uphold high standards.
Recognize differences: Accept and respect your spouse's uniqueness.
Set clear boundaries: Don't hold your spouse accountable for things they don't know.
Serve without expecting anything in return: Do things for each other for no other reason than to grace one another.
Extend trust: Trust is essential for a marriage to grow.
Believe the best about your spouse: Look past messy incidents or behaviors, and remember that your spouse is valuable.
Be selfless and sacrificial: However, grace does not mean tolerating abuse or infidelity. If you are in an abusive situation, you should seek professional counseling and prioritize your safety."
I had a basic understanding of what this meant when I said it, but when I looked it up and saw it in print, I was kind of blown away.
Another explanation listed Acceptance at the top of the list. But of course! It's what nearly everyone with ADHD wants. Just to be accepted for being different. This is golden rule stuff right here.
Blank messages
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi J, I've seen a couple of your messages now that are blank. We've seen that happen before; make sure you're writing the body of the text into the commentary area, not the title.
Am I missing something...No text on this page?
Submitted by c ur self on
When you type out your title in the top box, then put your post in the second box, it will not print...You have to skip a box and type your post in the 3rd box, titled Body...If you already have it typed in the second box, you can cut and paste it into the body box....LOL....think that's right, it happened to me a time or two....
Thanks C
Submitted by J on
I'll come back and fix that. Lol
I'll come back....
Submitted by J on
to this post later once the ghosts have finished visiting me.
Ghost of Christmas Past
Submitted by J on
Heads up. This may be a long post so I'm going to divide it up into sections accordingly, using Dickens story in part, as my own. I'm taking the place of the Ebanezer Scrooge character and his life, because I had a sort of, revelation, that my own life parreleled the character's story in many ways. To do this, I have to take on the same perspective as the one in the story if I can. At least that's what I'm shooting for.
As I look at myself in my past as a child...I see a hyperactive kid who could barely be contained at times. My mother couldn't turn around for a second, without having eyes in the back of her head at all times. I was always into stuff, causing a wake of chaos wherever I went. I couldn't keep my hands off anything! Always touching, always feeling.... going where I shouldn't be going....doing things I shouldn't be doing...moving...moving....I had no boundaries whatsoever. Leaving messes for my mother to clean up after me where ever I went. I'm sure my mother was exhausted and exasperated much of the time.
The trouble was usually minor. More, just non stop kinetic energy that got on everyone's nerves. And I could be loud...and I talked alot. It must have been an assault on anyone's senses who were in my close proximity.
In school....my number one offense that I was punished for, constantly was talking in class. I was a multiple time offender. I was definitely a disruptive force to be around for sure. The only saving grace I had was, I could be amusing too...at the sane time.
Always climbing on everything....always moving....energy...energy...energy... I could barely be contained. At times I felt as though I could jump right out of my own skin. I had the same energy as a young cat...constantly exploring and getting into everything at all times. No wonder I got reprimanded so much! The now me would have reprimanded the then me too! How annoying I was....a major disruption of the peace.
And of course, I had absolutely no concept of why people got angry with me at times. I was oblivious to the effect this energy was having on others. I was always lost inside my head...inside my own thoughts.
There never was any intention to my actions other than to escape boredom and find things that were stimulating and entertaining.
And for this I was punished. I never made the connection. Like a dog you try and punish for pooping on the floor an hour after they did it. The dog has no idea why they are being hit.
This usually came from the dominant energy force in the family...this particular force demanded, above all else, respect and obedience. Any show of disobedience was seen as a form of disrespect and met with swift retaliation. All I could feel was the anger and hatred...this is the only thing I knew or walked away with from these moments.
And...there was no other lesson learned here.....and I lived in fear from what I did not understand....and I felt very disconnected and alone because of it.
Next....the ghost of Christmas present.
Yep, you are my kid
Submitted by Dagmar on
I was on a trip with a friend and my ADHD kid was misbehaving. We usually only medicate her for school, but I had the AHA moment and made her take her medicine. A half hour later she was great. She stopped running around and getting lost and throwing fits for things. Friend didn't realize that the misbehavior was a symptom and was amazed how obviously well the medication worked. I explained it as "Imagine people keep yelling at you for things you don't know you're doing. You can't stop doing it because you don't know what it is. Now you're frustrated and still don't know what is wrong."
Ghost of Christmas Present
Submitted by J on
*So here, I have to stray from the original story line a bit. As I see myself now, I actually see two very distinct people: the one before I was diagnosed, and the one after. I could actually go a step further to include: and the one after I started medication which was about 5 years after I was diagnosed. At the time, I didn't hear the therapist tell me I had ADHD because my mind was too busy thinking about something else and that something else was not getting divorced. It simply didn't register, went right over my head.....I knew nothing about ADHD.
The diagnosing PhD in Psychology didn't prescribe medicine and his approach to therapy was not ADHD based and came at my particular issues from a different direction. It was certainly helpful none the less and was not a waste of time by any means.
Anyway, I'll be taking the position of seeing myself before I was diagnosed at age 45 as a completely undiagnosed, uneducated about anything to do with the psychology of it, and most importantly ....an un-medicated guy with ADHD. Here we go.....
At about age 28, I began to notice there was something really wrong. Not that I didn't notice things wrong in my younger life before...but this is about where it started to become a real problem.
Up until this time, my life was simply finding lots of stimulating activities to do. Anything outdoors that involved: motors, hiking, camping, water sports and being on a Mountain ( or any combination of the above ) is where you'd be apt to find me. Being on top of a mountain was my happy place.
And before that...I was pretty much training for some kind of competition including doing some triathlons. * side note...intensive exercise. How I completely by accident and completely unaware that I was actually treating my ADHD at the same time.
Fast forward back to 28 years old...where I was working 10 to 12 hours a day 6 days a week, and I was no longer exercising all the time. I was no longer recreating and doing other strenuous activities all the time either. And the responsibilities of trying to run a business and co-owning a condo with one of my old friends started to come crashing down on me.
I was very unsuccessfully keeping a clean house, doing laundry, I almost never ( like 99% of the time ) ironed or put away clothes, keeping up on bills on time ( usually waited until the final notice or something actually getting turned off before paying ), usually had some kind of fire to put out at any given moment, and cleaning house was mostly a semi-annual event.
And this...was in a condo where the outside maintenance was taken care of for you. Now enter....buying an entire house with 1/2 acre of property to take care of. "Sure" I thought. "I can handle this". The Dunning Krueger effect in full swing here.
And then ....I got married. My thought process and criteria for marriage was something along the lines of: good sex first thing in the morning and at night ( dopamine ), and she loves camping and doing outdoor things like skiing.
Bingo, I just found the perfect woman!
Needless to say, this didn't last very long. She ran off with some other guy and I was left standing there scratching my head. Par for the course.
All of these things happened within a span of about 3 years. My inability to keep up was becoming painfully clear. No matter how hard I tried to focus on getting one area of my life under control..I was failing at several more all at the same time and the stress was just about unbearable. I started to exhibit some OCD behaviors around this time too...which I managed to get under control by myself because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and because even I thought it was weird.
"What is going on here!!" I thought. "Why can't I just get my s#@t together like everyone else? "I see others doing alot more than me, and I can't even put my clothes away or keep a clean house?"
"What is wrong with me?" I thought.
That much I knew for sure.... there definitely was something wrong.
Enter...my second wife. And I was truly committed to making it work at all costs. She was good friend well before we even started dating. I thought ," this is a solid way to begin a relationship."...and it was.... much different than before.
My one and only plan was to make this one work...until death do us part. We were together for almost 14 years, but it didn't work either. She also left...and I was still there scratching my head once again.
This was when I was first diagnosed while in marriage counseling in an effort to save our marriage. I can't say I didn't try but trying wasn't good enough because I wasn't trying in the right way. It was right after she left when I first started taking ADHD meds.
J
So much empathy
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi J,
This is my shoot from the hip answer; I hope you'll forgive me if I come back with something more tangible later. But for now I just want to say that my heart goes out to the little boy you described. Everything you say about him - how annoying he was, how he couldn't stop talking - is exactly what my two daughters say about themselves. They're ashamed of it. One is diagnosed, the other sees a psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow.
I want the little boy in you (the ghost of Christmas past) to know that they are NEVER annoying. They spend so much of their energy finding ways to connect to others, and their unique views of the world are delightful. In fact, I think it's a superpower that they both share that they can entertain anyone, at any time, with completely unique and amazing ways to connect.
For example, my eldest spend time in the hospital with her grandma yesterday, teaching grandma how to "speak GenZ", and "understand GenZ emojis". I was floored. It was adorable, entertaining, and obviously driven by a desire for connection.
So that's my response for your ghost of the past - really I think you're being too harsh on him, and he was likely also completely delightful and lovable to those of us who are too contained within ourselves.
For the ghost of the present I have less to give you, other than to say that if my husband (dx ar age 47) would have come her to write anything that you wrote above, we would be in a totally different place. Your capacity for self-reflection means so so much.
I wish you well, and will think more on this. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Catter
The Ghost of Marley
Submitted by J on
"Business. Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"
This is where my revelation came from. In the script that's my life, my father plays the part of Jacob Marley. This year marks the 40th anniversary of his death when I was 26 years old.
After he died, my mother confided in me that he told her not more than two weeks before he death, that my father, laying in a hospital bed, lamented that he wasn't a good father.
My mother and I had had many conversations about why my dad was such a dick. ( putting it bluntly ) So between my own experience and my mother giving her version, I would definitely say my father could have done better.
Everyone in his business dealings loved him, and if you wanted advise about business you could go to none better. I on the other hand saw the man behind the curtain and was less than impressed. At home, he was kind of a tyrant, prone to have a short fuse and hot temper.
There's also something else to do with this particular anniversary of my dad's death and that is....I'm the exact same age as my father was when he died. This is significant in many ways and it brings his words to my mother back to my ears.
How sad it was, that only when he came face to face with his own mortality did admit that he really wasn't a good father. And including my mom, it was hard not to disagree with him.
Not only was I not sad about my fathers passing, but I was actually relieved. I felt a great sense of freedom to be released from this oppressive feeling I'd carried around with me for so long.
To the point, I can't even remember his funeral. I was definitely there, but don't remember a thing?
What a legacy he left for me to remember him by? How sad that he couldn't see beyond making money as the most important thing in his life. And it definitely was.
This is the warning to me, from my father's own mouth. In my case, not being a good husband or partner is how I would apply it. As Jacob Marley tried to warn Scrooge, that he was blinded by his own self serving ways.
J
Setting Him Free
Submitted by J on
After writing this, it brought back a few memories of my dad. It reminded me that he was very ill much of my childhood. When I was about 8 years old, the doctor told him he only had about 5 years to live if he didn't stop smoking. He'd been smoking since he was 10 years old ( according to him ) but I think it was possibly earlier than that. In the end, he did stop and started exercising. When he'd take me to early morning swim workouts before school, he would ride his bike around the neighborhood at the same time. He ended up living 16 years instead, which was largely because he heeded his doctors advise.
Anyway, it was a long slow decline and not a fun way to die. His mobility slowly diminished to the point that he could barely even climb one flight of stairs in our house. To go down and up the stairs one time completely winded him to the point he had to sit down and recover. This was when I was about 13.
I remember this because just before that time when we were traveling once, there was a pool table in the hotel and we played it for quite a while. Once we came home, not long after, he bought a pool table for our basement. I was kind of shocked and surprised because that was very unlike him to spend that kind of money on recreational equipment.
After dinner many nights, we would go downstairs and shoot pool. I was amazed at how good he was shooting pool and bowling. Like really good at bowling! His scores were well over 200 at times. Where did he learn to become so good at these things I wondered? He never told me, as he almost never said anything about his childhood or his family growing up. It still remains a mystery but I think I have a pretty good idea why he never talked about it.
But it required a huge effort on his part just to make it downstairs to play pool with me.
He was slowly dying and he knew it. I can certainly cut him some slack and acknowledge he was trying even many more times. I'd be grumpy too under those conditions.
He was doing the best he could and I can forgive him for what he was not able to do.
J
Ghost of Christmas Future and Summary
Submitted by J on
"Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him."
I think most of us know what happens when Scrooge is shown his ultimate fate by the spirit of the future. And he begs the Spirit: is there nothing I can do to change these images you've shown me?
If the past is the best predictor of the future, then I've got to make sure not to repeat it. Ive been given another chance and I want to make sure I don't repeat the past and make the same mistakes as before. I've got some work to do.
This is where I am right now....
When I read the last lines of A Christmas Carol after many years of actually reading it, I saw the line: and he lived by the Total Abstinence Principle....
I wasn't exactly sure what Dickens meant so I looked it up.
"He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge."
"*The Total Abstinence Principle has nothing to do with being teetotal; instead it is abstinence from being selfish, bitter, mean-spirited, angry, greedy, grasping, self -centred and unforgiving."
And there it is right there in black and white. We ADHD ers need things to be set right in front of us so we can see things sometimes. At least I do!
Im trying to set goals and this was really helpful for me to see. Even if not with intention, these things on this short, list.... I'm thinking, are what others see sometimes?
And it also reminds me, that when I look in the eyes of my SO ....I'm actually looking at my-self at times.
It was suggested by the marriage counselor that I had in a private meeting, that I seemed to have a pattern of choosing women who were my opposites. He went on to explain that, while it may been fun new and exciting at first, those opposite qualities later become things that become a problem in relationships.
Taking his advise, I tried to keep that in mind for any future relationship and it's seems, I really hit the ADHD jackpot this time! Lol
We are incredibly alike in a number of ways and making decisions together, our tastes and sense of humor and thinking are very much the same. There really were no major fireworks or infatuation...just realizing that we seemed very much alike and appeared to be a good match.
But most importantly....we share the same values. I didn't forget that part.
The biggest challenge we seem to face has to do with me, living with myself. That is....living with someone with ADHD and being confronted with someone who has many of the same symptoms. I need to remind myself that I'm looking in the mirror when I start getting annoyed.
It is both humbling and sobering at times.
Things to think about.
"Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him."
Yes.
I have to live with myself most importantly. It doesn't really matter what others think or how they judge me....what's most important is what I think of myself and if I'm doing the right thing. Ultimately, I have to judge myself. I know, and that's good enough.
J
PS Almost forgot to mention. The central theme in this story deals with greed and giving. Giving being the main take away ...as well as grace possibly. I can also see giving grace is what I need to give my SO at times. Just a thought.
Catterfly and Dagmar..
Submitted by J on
Thank you so much for your kind words. That really means alot.
Giving Grace
Submitted by J on
"Practice empathy: Recognize that both people are going through a difficult time.
Allow grace for mistakes: Forgive easily, and remember that both people are trying to uphold high standards.
Recognize differences: Accept and respect your spouse's uniqueness.
Set clear boundaries: Don't hold your spouse accountable for things they don't know.
Serve without expecting anything in return: Do things for each other for no other reason than to grace one another.
Extend trust: Trust is essential for a marriage to grow.
Believe the best about your spouse: Look past messy incidents or behaviors, and remember that your spouse is valuable.
Be selfless and sacrificial: However, grace does not mean tolerating abuse or infidelity. If you are in an abusive situation, you should seek professional counseling and prioritize your safety."
I had a basic understanding of what this meant when I said it, but when I looked it up and saw it in print, I was kind of blown away.
Another explanation listed Acceptance at the top of the list. But of course! It's what nearly everyone with ADHD wants. Just to be accepted for being different. This is golden rule stuff right here.
Much to think about.
J