Endless circle that seems to be getting worse with my ADHD husband. I don't get it and I don't know what to do.
I have been trying to be supportive since his diagnosis in January 2009 but it is becoming increasingly more difficult as I get more and more overwhelmed. Do any of you see things getting worse as opposed to better over time?
Where do I start...
Over time, I have taken on more and more at home as my husband needed to "work on himself", was unable to take on too much as he was overwhelmed and needed time to develop strategies and get better with the help of his ADHD coach and his doctor. He needed to take 1 step at a time.
Then, he doesn't want me to do anything for him (except be positive and loving) because it makes him feel inadequate and useless when I do more.
Then if I don't do something for him when he asks me or because I told him I am no longer doing something, he gets angry because I am "sticking it to him" by leaving it to him to get done.
To be clear, I try not to do things for him that only impact him if it is not done, like making sure his credit card gets paid or doing his laundry. I used to do those but stopped when he complained about HOW i was taking care of them. Now he complains that he is overwhelmed because I leave those to him.
The more I take on, the less he does, the more he complains.
If I ask for his help, he argues he can't handle it. If I don't ask, he argues that it belittles him that I don't ask because it means I feel he is incapable.
See what I mean about going around in circles?
What I also don't get is the arguing, blaming, contradicting, denying etc... I decide to do things a certain way that works for me, he provides "suggestions" on how i should do it differently. Sometimes I will just say to him: The way I was doing it works for me, you can do it yourself if you want it done differently. Then he gets angry because he doesn't want to do it. Says he is only trying to be helpful. It's not helpful!!! You want to help, do something. If i tell him that I am just leaving it for him to do he gets angry that I am asking for too much, he can't do it. However, if I ask for his opinion about something, he has nothing. I am smarter than he is he says.
Everything is my fault. He doesn't contribute because I am not nice enough to him. He doesn't go to bed because I go to bed too early and I snore. I lost weight recently to help with my snoring, he says it did help but now he doesn't go to bed because I am not nice enough to him. I need to be more empathetic and positive with him. He yells at me because I rile him up. I need to praise him when he does something to help. Sometimes - more and more often - I get so overwhelmed, I just cry. He asks me why, I tell him I am overwhelmed. He answers that I just need to go get therapy. I ask him for help. He says he is trying.
It's constantly about what I do wrong to him, how I speak to him, what I need to do, what I need to stop doing, what I need to change. Nothing I say is right - he has to contradict, argue, suggest something different. Nothing I do is right - I need to do more, I need to do less, I need to do it differently. I don't need or ask for thank you, praises or anything. I just want respect and be treated as an equal.
I feel emotionally abused and exhausted.
Hi, sdelo,
Submitted by Standing on
You've described what I think is a very typical mess. Hugs to you!! Your feelings are telling you that something needs to change and, of course, the only one in whom you can effect changes... is yourself. I'm not through it, by a long shot, but the first thing I recommend is one of the boundaries books, by Cloud and Townsend. What helps me is to write things down in list form, for instance - This duty/task/chore/responsibility belongs to me, this does not. The list is strictly for your reference, at this point, not anything you'd want to share with him, necessarily. The Boundaries book can help you to begin to detach from his reactions to your new way of approaching life. To me, it means treating my husband like he is a grown adult, regardless of whether or not he is behaving like one. It means accepting no behavior that is disrespectful to me as a person AND rejecting that behavior without trying to explain to him why it is disrespectful (that is where arguments begin to spin wildly out of control.) It means explaining very little and allowing my actions to demonstrate the facts. Takes practice! You can do it :)
Do you have a counselor? A support group? Venting it all out here and to a trusted advisor will help so much!
Kind of.
Submitted by Julia on
His ADHD coach also does couples. I have gone to see her and we have as a couple as well. It is however expensive and we are limiting to stay within insurance coverage - which also includes coverage for our daughter who was recently diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive (something else on my plate as he is not involved in her therapy or coaching. He can barely handle his.)
He is now losing his job too.
I don't have a support group except for here.
You need someone for yourself.
Submitted by Standing on
It has seemed nearly impossible to separate myself from the impacts of the add, but I think it's absolutely necessary. It's a beginning to feeling more like your own person again, it seems. I found a counselor by asking another health care provider if he knew of anyone who would work on a sliding scale. The referral he gave me has worked out well and the man is a PhD Psych who will allow me to pay as much as I'm able. I hope you're able to find such a person. Even a group setting like Celebrate Recovery might be a benefit.
Is he on medication? If so, maybe he has developed a resistance?
He is on medication.
Submitted by Julia on
They have been trying different combinations and still trying to pin down what worksfor him. I don't think he's taking it seriously though. He is not doing what his clinic recommends and even what Melissa here recommends in her sessions or her book: therapy sessions are infrequent, not exercising, not sleeping nearly enough, not eating well unless I make the meal but when he works he eats out a lot but he drinks cola excessively.
Meds alone cannot do it. I was not getting involved in his treatment until he asked me to tell him if I noticed something (good or bad, behavior changes etc...) because it would be easier for me to see certain changes and it would be important. As soon as a negative change was pointed out (agressivity, dark thoughts) he told me to not get involved. So I stopped.
re the meds.
Submitted by copingSAH on
Meds only work at the workplace. When they come home, every kind of awfulness from staying focused on the job gets unleashed on the people closest to them, namely their spouse and family.
I'm going through the same headaches with my spouse. I feel once he got diagnosed and was on meds, it seemed that all the skeletons that he so carefully had locked in his closet just came rushing out. This includes all the stuff he kept filtered from me and others over the years, now all he does is make excuses that if he's a jerk, then he has every right to be a jerk and that he can't help it. And what I feel (hurt, sad, betrayed, lonely, needing) doesn't mean a thing in his universe. It's as if he kept such a tight lid it finally blew open when the diagnosis acted as that wedge that pried open the lid.
There's no excuse to be a jerk or abusive to us, this is the one thing that is even beginning to spill into our social lives... he keeps telling everyone how much he does for us but it's a smokescreen to hide all the dysfunction and really dark things that are coming out of himself. I can't fake it anymore and behave like we're okay. Like I said... at home, he has absolutely no filters and as his wife I get the brunt of it. I never in a million years thought I'd end up in this rollercoaster of turmoil and caring and back to uncaring etc etc. We had a visitor the other day and the acceptance and attentiveness (however brief) in which this individual gave me just blew my mind. I had gone for so long in this house without that kind of treatment.... it just felt so amazing and crummy at the same time.
You know that some people say
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You know that some people say that people with ADHD will hyperfocus on the bright shiny new thing and then eventually tire of it and move on to something else? After his diagnosis, I think ADHD was my husband's bright shiny thing and then once the novelty wore off and he realized this was something he actually had to expend effort to deal with, he said "screw it" and started ignoring the diagnosis and its implications. Things have gone downhill almost constantly since the diagnosis six years ago or so.
I hear you.
Submitted by Julia on
That's why I come here every so often. I know I am not alone and it helps me validate that I am not crazy!! Sometimes he denies and argues so much I start thinking I must be crazy.
It's hard to fake it you know? The girls will get together and sometimes rant about our husbands, but it gets so bad here I don't bring that up. I keep it to myself and pretend things are normal. Around friends, family, coworkers etc... It's exhausting and I feel even more depressed afterwards. But my husbands favorite saying is: fake it 'till you make it. Lets just pretend everything is fine, we are loving etc... and everything will sort itself out. All he wants he says if for me to be positive, loving and caring towards him (insert intimate in here) and that all the issues between us will go away. Denial much?
Wow...this sounds just like
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Wow...this sounds just like what has happened to me. My husband didn't start any medication but it was like his filter was blown off. He started saying horrible things to me and acting like a total jerk. As you said, anything I feel didn't mean a thing in his universe. It was verbally and emotionally abusive. I tried for almost two years to get him to get some kind of help but he refused. He finally left a little over two months ago because he just couldn't deal with ME anymore (according to him). He was and is a totally different person in public. One time he called me instead of the person he mean to to call and he was so upbeat and cheery...until I told him he had accidentally called me. I, too, had someone be kind to me, gave me attention and respect and it almost made me cry. I hadn't not been treated that way in a very long time. It made me realize what I had been allowing myself to go through. It was the beginning of my realization that it would be best if he left since he refused to get any help. I just cannot live that way anymore. I am starting to feel like me again.