Husband is 52, I'm 31. Been together 7 years, married for 4 with a three and a half year old daughter. In the last 6 years husband started a side company that has taken up so much time, caused no end of headaches, two lawsuits, a bad business partner break-up and a bankruptcy. I felt I did most of the parenting alone to be honest, as he was too busy with work (working a lot, but not effectively I've come to realise), and we couldn't afford daycare (I'm English and my family are all in England, Husband's family in Canada, and we live in CA for his work - so no family to help out either). We also had to rent rooms out and use the money to keep the company afloat, meaning I was dealing with extra people in the house when I really just wanted to get to grips with motherhood without an audience. I lost trust in him quite a while ago to be able to pay attention properly when looking after our daughter as many incidents would happen on his watch (often, not bad, but still - they could've been! He's just been lucky). He was diagnosed with ADHD a month ago after I sent him to be tested and put on Adderall but he's not sure it's working great and it has caused some mood swings in the evenings, meaning we're fighting more and he's shouted at our daughter twice (which he was upset about - he's not heartless, just often too impulsive to think before he acts).
I'm really struggling in the relationship. In the last 3 years, I've had three near breakdowns (I've had two before, so I know when one is coming on), anxiety and depression issues, and according to the doc my blood pressure has been too high all last year. I also self-medicated with binge eating, but that's mostly under control now. The problem is, I'm really unhappy, I have been for at least 3 years, but I know I need to give him an adequate period of time to change now that a diagnosed issue has been identified, but I'm just not optimistic about how much change can happen, and I'm no longer attracted to him, nor do I respect and trust him to be able to do the things necessary for the safeguarding of our future without me always having to check on things, organise things, and prompt things along. I hear so much advice about "don't be their parent - let them take responsibility" but the stakes have just been too high! I couldn't "let him do his thing and learn his lesson" when there was potential grave legal consequences at the the end of his impulsive actions. And in many cases the person suffering from him learning his lessons hasn't been him! It's been me or my daughter. I've had to nag to make sure pension and college funds are being contributed to, and a trust set up with updated wills etc. Left to his own devices no provisions would have been made for me and my daughter in the event of his death. I even had to force him to go to the dentist after a 10 year lapse - inevitably, lots needed doing.
I do want to say he's not a mean person. He never intends to hurt anyone or anything, and he's very quick to apologise when I explain things, but I'm tired of always having to explain things and myself when he's quick to anger or stubbornness. It's like he's missing a common sense chip and i understand now why I've never felt there's an age gap between us.. It comes out in so many things, big and small. Like when he couldn't fit a bed through a door to move it from one room to another, instead of patiently unscrewing the bedhead, he just took an axe to the damn thing! Claiming he'd buy a new bed. I stopped him and unscrewed the thing myself, but it's things like this that make me feel I can't trust him to respond appropriately in situations. My daughter is already a proper handful, so full of energy, and I'm so depleted from the last 5 years, and so much stress, strain, and damage has been done that I just don't know that I can repair it on my side. I'm tired, and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this - in a state of perpetual responsible anxiety. I vowed "In sickness and in health" but his sickness is making me sick too! I don't want to be with someone if I have to go on anxiety/depression meds to be with them (only reason I didn't go on them was due to breastfeeding). I feel selfish saying this, but I can't keep putting everyone else's health and happiness above my own. When my sister reminded me I have as much right to be happy as my husband and daughter do, I broke down and cried.
I feel like the major stresses: parenthood, lawsuits, and bankruptcy, exposed the uglies in our relationship. I saw a lot of things I never knew were there when I got married to him, and while I care about him I think I'm no longer in love with him. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be intimate. My health has taken such a beating from running on adrenaline for so long that I'm just spent and I can't keep living like this. Where does one draw the line? How much time do you give?
ExhaustedLady - I hear you
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
ExhaustedLady - I hear you and can completely see how you'd be exhausted and burnt out from managing your husband and from the stress of it all. I am feeling the same as you after 7 years of being married to my husband who will not treat his adhd, and raising two young children and managing my full time job has me exhausted and at the end of my rope. I am now putting the steps in place to separate and divorce my partner. You are worthy of a partnership, and you are worthy of happiness and less stress. Look after yourself and your daughter and begin putting the steps in place to leave if you have to. In the long run, it'll be better. I read a comment from a psychiatrist on another adhd relationship support forum that said the decision on treating the adhd lies solely with the partner with it, but their decisions have repercussions on the non-adhd partner to live a fulfilling and happy life. It is unfair to expect them to go along with untreated or undermanaged adhd at all costs. You must look after yourself. I do also know that it can take time to get to the breaking point and you may have many false starts, but they are still moving you to a place of understanding and enlightenment of what you want and need. You will get through this. Hugs.
Thank you. I feel like a
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
Thank you. I feel like a breaking point was reached but because of the diagnosis and his being amenable to treatment I now have to allow him the opportunity to change now that he knows there's a real issue, and only if change isn't achieved would it then be fair to call it quits. We always agreed that we'd really rather our daughter went to secondary school in England (aged 11 or 13 - 18 depending on which school system you enter), so at the very least, even though that's quite a long way off (like, 8-10 years), that's my final ultimatum point, whereby if nothing has improved then that's an obvious break, as it'd put 5,000 miles between us. I have no doubt we could remain amicable and friendly as parents so at least that's not a concern, but to be honest, I'd probably like him more if I wasn't his wife, and he was just someone I socialised with, but didn't have to rely on for anything. I think you're right and I will try and work towards a financial situation whereby I allow myself the option of leaving should I want to, because it's better to have that option and not need it (even though deep down I think I will), than need it and not have it.
Thanks for the support and I hope your situation improves too. x
''It's like he's missing a common sense chip...''
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You nailed it. My ADHD husband (51) is the same and my breaking point was similar to yours. We went along okay until we had a child together and I realized how little he could be depended on. Suddenly I was doing it all (including working FT) with a baby that didn't sleep through the night until she was 3. I was and still am overjoyed by our daughter, but completely exhausted from carrying 95% of the load. I would venture to say the load is actually higher than 100% because of the extra work and stress an untreated ADHD spouse creates.
Your health and happiness is absolutely as important as anyone else's. More so because it is yours and no one is going to look after it but you. You know how you feel. You have expressed it incredibly well here. Put yourself first. You have to. If it's hard for you (I have a hard time putting myself first big time), then put your daughter first. Is this a good situation for her? If you have a breakdown, who will take care of her? Would you want your marriage for her in the future?
My daughter is 11 now and I wish I could have had the clarity you have when mine was 3. I was still in denial and tried for too long to make something better that couldn't be repaired without equal (or any) effort from the other side. I have acted like a single parent for years. For me, it did not get better.
You asked ''How much time do you give?'' I think that depends on whether your spouse is or is not truly committed to a treatment plan. If Adderall isn't working, is he prepared to try something else? To try lifestyle changes? To take Melissa's seminar or go to ADHD-specific couples counseling with you?
I am so sorry you are in this situation and I think you are strong for what you have endured and for how clearly you see things. I hope you can find some comfort in this forum. Hugs.
I would agree that I
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I would agree that I sometimes feel like the load is higher than 100%, because you're often dealing with someone who isn't making parenting easier, they're making it actively harder than it already is. My absolute parenting low was on a plane to England where I was desperately trying to get my daughter to breastfeed as we landed to help with her ears and my husband kept trying to take her off me because he thought she just wanted to be upright and look around. I took her back off of him because I didn't have time to explain myself and what I was doing (though it ought to have been obvious) while she was screaming her head off, and he swore and yelled at me. He's almost never sworn at me. But he did that time and it was in front of all the other passengers. I have never wanted to disappear into a hole so much before in my life. He apologised afterwards, admitted he was wrong and he just didn't understand what I was doing and got angry, but it's the inability to pause and think before jumping to anger or being stubborn and digging his heels until until I explain my reasoning at length that bothers me so much. Apologies are good, but I wish I didn't have to deal with those sorts of situations at all!
I've been lucky in that I've not had to work as well as all this, I've been a stay at home mum, but we really made that decision because the cost of daycare where we live is so high that It'd likely be almost break-even for me. So what was the point? Plus, although my daughter is lovely, she's a really hard child, really attached to me, and when she was a baby she basically wouldn't be held by anyone other than me, would never be put down - even for me to just use the toilet or shower, never slept unless being held, never took bottles, only breastfed, and still doesn't sleep through the night at 3.5 (I feel your pain there!). That was wearing enough, but add the ADHD husband to the mix, and yeah. I'm spent. I feel I've aged so, so much in 5 years.
I completely agree with you that there's no one to take the reins properly if I do have a breakdown. I insisted the side company be shut down as it was a major source of stress, and that's finally happened. But how long until another "project" comes along? Will I always be living in fear of "the next big thing." Can I now depend on him to act in the best interests for the financial stability of the family? I'm not sure I can. Is even asking me to trust him again fair, given the last 5 years, and if I do, will I just be kicking myself later down the road for being a fool a second time over? They're all difficult questions. I also agree that, no, I wouldn't wish this marriage on my daughter. That was a question I hadn't thought to ask myself, and it's very telling. One of my best friends is also dating someone with ADHD and given my experiences I have huge reservations about her considering settling down with him, which is also quite telling of my true feelings.
I think my husband is very amenable to treatment, he already wants to try a different medication at his next appointment, and I think he's up for therapy too, but he's not made an appointment. Likely, I'll have to keep prompting him to do that to make sure it happens. But he's open to it all, lifestyle changes too, so I feel obligated to give him the opportunity to effect real change. However, I did an undergrad in Psychology (unfortunately it didn't cover ADHD - or I'd likely have seen it sooner), and my best friend just got his PhD in it, and he's also got many friends with similar struggles such as ADHD, BPD, Asperger's (though none are married with children), and based on what I know and what I've seen and heard I have a somewhat pessimistic view as to how much can really change in the long term. Yes, I can simplify our lives, yes we can employ strategies to divide chores and try and make tasks fun, but at the end of the day, this is a condition that can't be cured, only managed to a greater or lesser extent, so will I ever feel like I can really rely on him? Intending to follow through isn't enough. Not meaning to do something isn't enough. That's like saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to steamroller you. I have a condition that caused me to do it." The end result is still that I'm steamrollered, but worse than that, it's like I don't have the right to be angry or pissed off about what happened because "you didn't mean it" and you apologised, and you have a disorder that's not your fault. It all muddies the waters, adds to the guilt factor, and dare I say it, can even make one come off as unsupportive towards those with mental health issues that are "just trying their best." But sometimes "their best" just isn't good enough, and I wish I didn't feel so horrible for saying that.
Also the medication isn't a 24 hour thing. It messes with sleep (as I'm sure all amphetamines do), and so it wears off in the evening - right during family time, when I need help the most. He may be functioning better at work, but I'm not sure the same can be achieved at home. He's still haphazard in the evenings. Doing half jobs, e.g. changing the diaper but leaving the dirty one on the floor and not seeming to have a real awareness of time - meaning I'm the only one driving the bedtime routine. Of course, he has positive points - he can play at the playground for hours and seemingly not get bored - but while I can appreciate the positives, they don't excuse the negatives, or at this point, even outweigh them.
I usually advise friends that they have to do whatever they need to when considering ending a relationship to be able to walk away saying "I tried everything I could." And so I guess I feel obligated to give him a chance to treat his disorder. But really, I think something for me has died that can't be rekindled. And so I recognise it's wise to try to plan an escape route should I need to take one in due course. Maybe that seems pessimistic, but if I don't do it I will have backed myself into a corner and I think, given the uncertainty of the future, I want to keep all options open to me at this point.
Thank you for your support x
Wishing you the best
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
''...although my daughter is lovely, she's a really hard child, really attached to me, and when she was a baby she basically wouldn't be held by anyone other than me, would never be put down - even for me to just use the toilet or shower, never slept unless being held, never took bottles, only breastfed, and still doesn't sleep through the night at 3.5...''
You are describing my daughter exactly! I really really understand the exhaustion that comes with this (and the shock and frustration when your partner doesn't step up to manage a high-need baby with you). I slept about one hour a night for 2-3 years (in 10 minute increments) because my daughter just could not settle for longer than 20 minutes at a time. Nothing worked. She still doesn't sleep well at 11. It's just how she is and it is much easier to deal with when they get older if that helps.
It took me years to recover from the toll this sleep deprivation took on my body. Only then was I really strong enough to look at what was going on in my marriage.
I understand that you want to give him time with a treatment plan. He sounds willing and that is something I would have loved to get from my husband. I don't think you are being pessimistic by having a back-up plan. You are being responsible, really. You have a little girl to consider.
I can't say this will happen in your case, but as my daughter has grown, the need for me to get out has become more apparent. Now he's not just inattentive toward me... lashing out in an impulsive rage at me... letting me down by making promises he doesn't keep... he is doing all of that to her, too. And she is old enough to see it and be deeply hurt by it. No longer is my giving more than 100% in the parenting department enough to conceal or overcompensate for the fact that her dad... well... kind of sucks as a dad (and husband). She sees it and it hurts me so much that she is being hurt and let down the way I have been.
I'll be wary
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
The sleep thing does take a real toll, especially as she never wants comfort from my husband, only me. She should be going to daycare in about 6 months, and then we're not far off school. So those combined will free up time for me to focus on engineering an out.
I will watch out for any effect on my daughter, because really, that's a line I'd draw far clearer than the one I'm able to draw in my own life right now. I know he loves her very much and when they go do activities at the weekend they seem to have a great time, and he seems to get far less bored with child activities than I do, which is a nice thing, but I do worry about him temper at times. It mostly comes out at things (eg. his computer not doing what he wants), and occasionally at me, but if that changes and she becomes more consistent collateral then that's really it for me. Game over.
What I do hold hope over is that even before these issues all really came to a head we had agreed a while ago we'd rather our daughter didn't go to secondary school (11 or 13-18 depending on which school system you enter) here, we'd rather she went to school in England. And so, by that point, in saying I want to move back so she can go to school in England I wouldn't be doing anything that hadn't already been agreed upon. He knows he needs to stay here in California to work until he reaches pension age, as that's what makes the most financial sense and he's only 15 years off. So, failing all else, it's an obvious separation point and would, for the most part, remove our daughter from his orbit during the notorious teen years. Possibly a good thing. I went to boarding school aged 13-18 and spent long periods away from my parents, and to be honest, I wouldn't say it was a bad thing.
We had a serious talk last night where I outlined how unhappy I am and why I feel I can no longer trust him, and he just said "There's nothing I can say back to what you said. It's all true." So I think he's aware how serious the issues are, and I've also laid the groundwork so that should I later say, "We tried to fix things, they haven't changed enough, I'm still unhappy, I want to separate" it won't be a surprise.
Are you in a position to leave yourself? x
I hear you - it is much
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I hear you - it is much easier for me to go to bat for my daughter than for myself. It shouldn't necessary be that way and I am slowly learning to place a much higher value on my own needs. But seeing her pain was a wake-up call for me that a split likely can't wait until she is grown.
I think it is wonderful for you that you have a somewhat ''natural'' separation point should you want it. Also as wonderful is that it sounds like your husband is honestly committed to treatment and you have somehow been able to break through the denial so many of us can't seem to crack.
You asked if I'm in a position to leave and I am working on it. My primary concern is getting custody of my daughter because unfortunately, my husband would not be a responsible parent on his own. I have to tread carefully or I could put her in a worse situation than she is in now.
Your not accepting his reality.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are allowing his reality take your focus, and your mental and physical health...Because you want accept who you are married to....You may be married to someone who loves you...But based on your post, you are like me, and many here...You are married to someone who you can never trust long term in many matters of life....
You might want to get a plan....Set boundaries....You will need to come to grips (accept he isn't changing, and his irresponsible lifestyle will never, never, never work for you!) with how different you two are, and respect that, and go from there..
In my case that meant, separate automobiles, separate bank accounts, separate retirements, separate health insurance, we do our taxes separate....If we had minor children in the home, it would also mean a lot more work....Basically, for us to spend time together that is calm, loving, and peaceful we had to totally accept our huge difference's in life management....
It's not about right or wrong, when it comes to the ability to manage one's life in a responsible manner....It's about not living in denial of what the actions and behaviors are GOING TO BE, BASED ON THE MIND THAT DRIVES A PERSON!...Once you finally step back, breathe, and come to the realization, nothing you can SAY, will ever change them (except maybe I'm leaving, some times that will work for a while) permanently....Once you do that, you got it whipped....You will STOP considering him when it comes to what you expect life to be like....Then you will be able to heal, no more stress, You live life (as for as what is the responsible things to do for you and the baby) like he doesn't exist in those area's....And the longer you stay separated from placing expectations, and the negative effects those expectations was having on your mental health...The more empathy you will have for him, because of the mind he fights with every day....
He was a 31 year old man living life his way when you were a 10 year old child....He will be fine, it's you who needs to take care of yourself, and do what is good for your life and future, with no thought of how he lives his (because you know it will never work for you)....I could not live with my wife (wouldn't) without our many boundaries....not any kind of respectful, peaceful existence that is....
Also the product of your feelings (not wanting intimacy, etc) toward him, is totally built on your unfulfilled expectations....So once you come to peace w/ what is possible, and get boundaries in place...Things may change for the better there....It has for us...
I will pray you guy's
c
I do feel like having
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I do feel like having identified the issue (ADHD) it does clarify and explain a lot, and it does change how I view things to a degree, in that I understand much of what he does (and did) isn't his fault, but that still doesn't mean I have to live my life going forward being dragged along his rollercoaster. He's very early in the treatment journey and very keen to do better, so I'll have to see where things go, but as you say, children complicate the mix and make more work - adding significantly to my load. I do have compassion for him, and I'm not angry at him - more detached than anything - but I remember seeing a therapist video where she said there's compassion and then there's idiot compassion. And you're right, I can't allow myself to be a martyr to his condition, because that's idiot compassion. I think before, I just didn't know what was wrong or all the issues that were really there, and because I was so trapped and engulfed in my life with a very young child it was hard to see clearly beyond her overwhelming needs and my physical exhaustion, and so everything else (all the side company drama) just felt like something I had to endure because I was in no real position to be able to do anything significant bar attempt to hold it all together and force him to make lawyer appointments and then also attend because "he couldn't remember everything they would say." Really, I was just struggling to get through the day as a mum, but I can see better now, and I feel I can have a bit more control over some aspects of my life (I can make sure things are filed properly, that funds are set aside for certain expenses, and many in accounts he doesn't have access to, that our daughter gets into daycare in due course, her schooling, that college funds and pensions and provisions for the future are made, etc.). But we have yet to establish whether some kind of life can truly be created whereby a level of peace can be achieved without it being the parent-child dynamic that it currently is, but if it can't, and I'll try and give it my best shot, I won't stay forever in a situation that makes me so unhappy.
Thank you for your support. I'm glad you managed to make things work for you two x
They get even worse as they age
Submitted by sickandtired on
i really feel for you and worry about the welfare of your child. I was with a man boy like yours, with many ideas that ended up badly. Nothing was ever completed and he blamed me when the negative consequences for his half assed attempts at projects would inevitably come back to him. My blood pressure went up, and the quality of my health went down as I tried to follow him around and clean up his financial and literal messes. I lost friends because of him. I had to endure his over the top anger and drama over the simplest tasks.
Now that I left him, it’s like a different world. I found a wonderful man I love, trust, can rely on, and can genuinely be proud of. I left my adhd partner when I was 60. If I can create a new healthier happier life at 60, you certainly can do it at 31. Don’t waste any more time with him. They don’t get better as time goes by, only worse. Keep reading this forum and notice how many unhappy people are here, overwhelmed with just trying to keep their partners together. A relationship shouldn’t have to be THIS MUCH WORK, with so little success. You don’t want to live your life like them. Big HUGS to you!
I do see a lot of unhappiness
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I do see a lot of unhappiness here, and to be honest, if I had the financial means to get out now, that might change things, but for now, I'll have to give him a shot to change and plan an out. x
Im so glad you found
Submitted by Alone on
Im so glad you found happiness!!! What you said is so true. You are able to look back and be objective. Unfortunately like a lot of us in the forum we are living it. Thanks for giving me a reality check and giving me hope that there is life after adhd. Like so many divorce is the only option for happiness. I haven’t seen any posts about Valentine’s Day. Of course I got something for my husband and son . Plus got together a special meal. Nothing from my husband. Just more and more hurt!! How much can a person take. I have nothing left. There is so much more to my story but this was the latest hurt. Thanks again for putting this In perspective. I know it will be hard for me to be alone. But I have been alone for 99 percent of my marriage.