Forum topic: I don't know if I should just give up

Thu May 26th, 2011 - 2:42pm by chrissy

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I have been married to my ADHD husband for 5 years, and we have no children.  More and more lately I have been fantasizing about just asking for a divorce and throwing in the towel.  The main reason I haven't yet is because I'm terrified of the whole "grass is always greener" situation where I will regret doing this (as divorce should be an absolute last resort).

My husband and I have fallen into a sort of parent-child relationship.  I do not like the person I become when I am around him.  In the early years of our marriage we fought constantly.  After he got on a good balance of medication things got better and the fighting stopped.  However, due to the fact that we married young (I was 22), I feel like I am a completely different person than when we married.  I used to be shy and co-dependent and introverted.  In the last few years I have taken up new interests that have led me to such a happy place where I am exactly the person I have always wanted to be, and having a spouse I feel like I have to "take care of" is exhausting me and making me fall into a depressed state.  Any time we have been in a period of not fighting it's due to the fact that I have been detaching emotionally from him to prevent myself from feeling pain.

I've reacted by distracting myself with activities with my friends outside of the house.  My husband does not even seem to notice when I am gone anymore.  He is constantly on his computer every minute of every hour he is home.  I have become lonely in my own house and every fiber of my being is craving freedom.  I would rather be lonely by myself than lonely while being stuck to someone else.

I feel chained up, and I am really confused about what to do.  I feel like if I could just throw divorce out of my mind as an option for a while then I could give it one last effort to really work things out, but I am so preoccupied with it that I can't focus on making things better, I can only fantasize about escaping.

My husband is fully aware of his ADHD, but he seems to use it more as a scapegoat for the way he acts rather than taking any kind of responsibility to help our relationship.  I gave up over a year ago and have just been living an existence where I am merely coping with this life I have chosen.

How do I know when it is truly time to throw in the towel?  Is there even any hope for me to change my mentality to give this another shot or is there even any point?

 

 

Comments

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Thu May 26th, 2011 - 11:44pm

No one can tell you what to do right now; it's different for everyone. But perhaps my experience can give you perspective and help you make your decision. Over the last two years in particular my undiagnosed spouse. And I experienced the emotional seperation you mentioned. Because of his emotional, angry and defensive eruptions, we couldn't really talk about anything to try to "get better." Last year he said some things to me that decimated me and I couldn't manage to do anything else but detach and self protect. My heart wounds were so raw, if I had given him the opportunity to strike again that would have been tthe end of us right then and there I think. So in the following months I can say that two things helped me stay the course: my faith and my friends. I take those vows I made seriously and they are not to be over turned because we're having a bad time. And it was really, really bad for me. I was not sleeping well, I was stressed and crying a lot, probably clinically depressed once I found out what that was. Most recently I had developed anxiety attacks when we were supposed to talk about things, even at the therpists office because things had gone so badly previously. Amidst all that my awesome friends would be my sounding board, sometimes just listening sometimes saying something that helped my perspective. Never once did they say "you should dump the b-------d because they know that's not what really wanted and there was still hope for a good outcome. So I stuck to it not wanting to give up too soon and live regretting it for too many years. So I got the therapist. I wanted to know that I tried everything possible in my power to make it work so to speak. I know a therapist should not be a last resort, but my DH was so completely opposed to outside help I gave up on the notion until I was all out of ideas. I wanted to exhaust all resources. My DH ended up coming with me twice before he decided he would move back to his parents place adross country. Our problems were evidently too big and he really couldn't find anyone wise who would agree with him. By the time he reached this decision I was about to ask for temporary seperation because my health was getting so bad, emotionally and physically. One of my good friends reminded me that I said I would only stay with it until it began to affect my health. After not seeing me for three weeks, when we met up again she said "Yeah, you're there." The bottom line is that I tried everything I could think of that was of good character, and I maintained my vows to the end of my health. By the time he said he was leaving my friends and counsels were not surprised but also happy and supporting of my opportunity to get well again. We are calling his move a seperation but I am not optimistic we will communicate any better long distance than in our own home, but time will tell. To be completely honest the night he told me, sure I cried--it didn't have to be like this--but I have been sleeping SO well and I have not felt the crushing weight of anxiety or stress since then. Maybe there is something in my story that helps. Sorry about any stray words that seem out of place, im typing with my thumbs. :/