I have been away from Thursday-Monday and you would think I just went to the corner store. My brother got married and I sent pics throughout the whole things since he couldn't attend. I sent him a nice picture of my sexy dress while in a fancy restroom at a country club and he responds "oh you took a pic in a bathroom" and never responded to pics of the wedding itself, my 81 yr old mom, nothing. He text me 3 times, mostly about himself. He called me once and talked about his weekend. I got home and he said he was surprised to see me home since he thought I was going straight to work. I did text him before my long trip home but he sucks at text messaging and never responded or initiated. I said that I needed to wash my hair before going to work for half day. He then said he was headed to work (he makes his own hours) and left 10 minutes after I got home. I was not excited to see him and I am sure I don't need to explain this to anyone on this forum. He wasn't excited either. It's like I never left. My feelings of not being excited come after 25 years of the same ADHD behavior knowing that after all these days away, I am only coming back to stress and more of the same. I hate that I don't want to come back home after visiting my family or any trip for that matter. Marriage should not be this way. What I want doesn't seem to matter anymore, this is it, this is what I/we get. In his mind he is loving me just fine. In my mind he falls short of loving me as I want/need after 25 years of my expressing myself. If he were cheating, this would all make sense. While I was away, my friends asked about me and it made him respond in a sarcastic way like he was tired of them asking for me. I would love to go to sleep and wake up in 1988, the year I met him. I don't hate him, I just don't feel fulfilled being married to him. I don't feel reassured or seen and I feel like I have changed. Before I would dote on him despite feeling this way. Now I don't want to fake anything anymore.
I feel like his sister...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 12/14/2015.
What can we do about frustration?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
notgonnalosemyself,
I hear your frustration. Our own needs are very real. I discovered I had been making a very huge error in how I dealt with my spouse and my unmet needs. I would respond to his anger - or at least what I saw as anger - by feeling reprimanded, then shamed myself into believing I was expecting things I should not have expected. I behaved like that for a long time. I allowed myself to be controlled by his responses, rather than standing firm in what I felt or what I desired.
It is a part of a healthy and normal relationship to desire our partner fulfill some of our needs. Otherwise why be in a relationship at all?!?!?!?!?!?
Surely it would be way out of balance for us to expect a partner to fulfill ALL our needs. To me, the whole ideal of a relationship is being there for each other. And wanting to learn what the other person needs. And not assuming a position of authority to dictate to them what their needs should be; yet rather listen and make decisions whether they are something we can fulfill - or not. Then, truthfully sharing what we can and we cannot do.
I did spent a lot of time to trying to figure out what my spouse's needs were, and at the same time, also denied my own - or as least tried to "make" my needs what he thought they should be. Bad choice. That was not being selfless and loving and kind, it was setting myself up for a big dose of dissatisfaction.
I am trying - really trying - to discern what Liz needs. And focus on that, and express that, and discover if there are any of those needs my spouse can fulfill. I choose not to demand he fulfill them. I choose not to insist he fulfill them. I want to enjoy a relationship not try to fore one - or ake one - or develop on all on my own.
I am looking back on ou relationship, and how it developed, and holding on to the good, and learning from the bad choices I made. And enforcing good boundaries, especially those that consist of not staying in a disrespectful conversation. Those conversations take 2 sides. He can yank at his side of the 'rope of disagreement' and I can choose to yank back, or drop my side and walk away. Regardless if he is still yanking on his side with accustions like "You had your say and now when I want to talk, you walk away."
I love this description of a relationship. The credit for this exact wording comes from Philip McGraw - better know as Dr. Phil:
"The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved. "
Sincerely,
Liz
Thanks for your response.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thanks for your response. Things are on an "up" right now. I have to remind myself that the inattentiveness is NOT on purpose. Yesterday he sadly said, "I do love you and I know that I don't show it all the time but I do love you." That was nice. I know this will be a rollercoater of ups and downs, relapses and illogical behaviors but the good days are worth not giving up.
My life too
Submitted by SunshineSC on
Your post and so many others I read sound like me speaking. It's really sad though I am glad you are having an "up" episode right now. I am asking myself WHY do we do this year after year? Love is not enough, at least not for me. To me, its just words unless a person is backing it up with actions to show the love. Hang in there!
I hang on due to the fact
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I hang on due to the fact that I made a vow and I feel horrible abandoning a puppy. In his vulnerable times, which I love, I see his pain and feelings of failure and loneliness. I have so much to live for even though he is the one area in my life that I would love to change for the better. But the rest of my life keeps me sane enough to cope even if this is it. His issues have nothing to do with me even though the do affect me since after all I am a woman that likes attention and reassuring but I am learning how to deal with it and realize I am awesome despite his inability to show express that all the time. It's hard, perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been through but I am strong and I am the best he will ever have. You hang in there as well. Much love. My mirror tells me I am amazing. :)