Submitted by Electra125 on 07/06/2008.
I have been married for 9 months to a wonderful, handsome, energetic man who was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago. I assumed I was totally prepared emotionally, psychologically, and financially for what waited us. I am 41 years old. He is 43. It's my first marriage and his second. We have no children, but do have a loving 8 month old yellow labrador retriever whom we both adore.
My concern is that my husband is never home! He works 12-14 hour days and travels at least 3-4 times a month, sometimes for up to a week at a time. He does not financially support me. I have been in my field (Counseling) for 20 years, and am financially sound. He, on the other hand, has been employed by his particular employer for 3 years, and cannot say no to any assignment. He reminds me of me at 25 years of age. I, on the other hand, am desperate to start the second phase of the life I dreamed about: One with a husband and a puppy and a home. I was single and lonely for so very long...Because of hard work, luck &good financial planning early, I am in a position to make all of those dreams come true. I just don't feel that I have a partner in this and am extremely worried that we won't make it.
My husband wants a wife, a home, a dog, (maybe even kids!), but is hardly present. Again, he does not support me. I, in fact, am buying us a home. To be fair, he will be contibuting to the mortage payments, but I am the one with the majority of financial assests.Currently, he does not pay my mortgage. The idea was that he get himself together financially, which he has indeed done.
Can anyone relate to this? We are not kids. I am pretty worried, and honestly unhappy in my marriage, although I love him dearly.
Underemployed Spouse
Submitted by Cindy (not verified) on
Carrying the Financial Load
Submitted by Kat (not verified) on
divorce them?
Submitted by unashamedly ADD on
Divorce them
Submitted by AmyK on
My man is never home - not what I signed up for
Submitted by JewelD on
My untreated / defiant ADHD/ PH / poss ODD man (age 55) has slowly discovered he could time-debt all his time so that he's just never home except to eat, shower, sleep, and leave again. Oh and maybe sex. He tries to get me to do all the chores - big NO here.
He resists doing anything with me date-wise. He's even battled me every year (for 4 years!) about going out to celebrate my birthday, since he'd rather go out and play music in a band (one of 10 ~ yes,10! ~ that he's in!) And THAT band is the worst of all the ones he's in. I mean really, I'm not better than a lame cover band on my own birthday? (St. Patrick's Day.)
Now, after being engaged for 4 years, he suddenly announced he "never wanted to get married."
So I told him to move out. Oh, he didn't want to do that, since he had such a good thing going here. But he finally found a divorced friend who needed a roommate. He'll be out this weekend, along with his cat (who I never wanted anyway, since she bullied MY cat.)
What's the difference? He's barely been home at all the past 6 months. Time to meet someone else (while I still have myself somewhat intact!) ;)
Divorce is Easy, Isn't It?
Submitted by Kat (not verified) on
I feel single within a marriage
Submitted by AmyK (not verified) on
you're describing what my married life would have looked like...
Submitted by JewelD on
... If I'd married my untreated DHD ex-fiance.
Currently:
Age 55 & former stimulant abuser, then alcohol. Then dry, now: "social drinking" again.
(Here comes his next slide down the slippery slope.)
He's literally home only from 1 or 2am til maybe 8:30 am. Then off to his day job.
(I work at home, and sometime outside the home part-time; I also write)
He comes home in the mid-afternoon to nap, eat & shower.
Then gone again to practice or play with one of 10 bands, or run sound at a club.
Weekends? Just more bands or sound gigs.
Sayonara to all that.
Feeling single within marriage
Submitted by Electra125 on
Feeling single within a marriage
Submitted by AmyK (not verified) on
Ask yourself ...
Submitted by JewelD on
... how many years of this you can take.
... because it's not likely to change.
Just be thankful that you at least know what it is - but you can't control it, and it demoralizes you, especially if they're untreated.
Clarification
Submitted by Electra125 on
lonely marriage
Submitted by tanya2me on
Single in a Marriage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I find this a very interesting thread for a whole bunch of reasons, not the least of which is the unspoken gender expectations that seem to be underlying it. That said, let me see if I can contribute some ideas to think about, though first I would like to say that it's great that you think your husband is a wonderful, energetic man. That's a good place to start.
You, (Electra125) mention several key ideas that are important to a successful marriage: financial stability, companionship, kids/dogs/family relationships and easing loneliness. Maybe I can give you some new ways to think about these...
You are financially stable, but worried about the contribution your spouse is making or, to be more accurate, not making. Yet you admit that he is working hard at a high paying job. Hours seem to be the biggest problem - and perhaps a biological clock? When he IS home, do you spend quality time together, or is he too tired to know you are there? If it is the former, that's a good start. If the latter, then that would compound your problem. ADHD can play a role in feeling lonely in that people with ADHD can be easily distracted, so the non-ADHD spouse can feel ignored, even when an ADHD spouse is at home. It is important in all ADHD/non-ADHD relationships to make sure you get QUALITY time together that is meaningful and spiritually sustaining to you both. If that's not happening now, try to squeeze it into his busy schedule by "scheduling" time together - perhaps you pick him up at the airport when he returns from a trip and you take him out to dinner or something, for example.
Did he not have the job when you were dating? What did the two of you do to spend time together then? Did you say to yourself "we'll be together more when we are married" and ignore it? I find it is not at all uncommon that people's expectations change subtly when they get married "okay, now that we're married that means we'll be together more" or "now that we're married, my husband will start to take out the trash (because that's what my father did) or now that we're married, my husband will be able to take care of me financially". See what it was that you were doing right when you were dating to get around this issue then, and see if you can reinstate some of that into your relationship. If you were having this problem when you were dating, but you ignored it, then you need to take responsibility for its existence, too (not just blame it on him).
Or, was your husband able to "temporarily" focus on you during your courtship and still do okay at work, but now feels that he needs to settle in? This would be a case of ADHD "hyperfocusing", perhaps, that you will want to acknowledge as you think through this (people with ADHD generally don't recognize when they are hyperfocusing, and most often can't control it - it just happens)
Or, another possibility - now that you are married he feels more pressure to excel at work to meet your expectations...and therefore is taking on extra assignments so that he can move through the organization faster to please you...
You see, there are a number of different things that could be going on here with the work - things that deserve being discussed in detail between the two of you. Make a date to talk, and make sure the conversation remains civil, etc.
You seem particularly sensitive to your financial independence and that, I think, is a good thing. BUT, you also need to be aware that every relationship is about making a series of choices. You clearly love this man, and he seems to be working hard to hold up his end of the bargain...even though not fully contributing. It's unclear from your email whether or not you are able to support the two of you if he continues to earn as he is doing, or whether or not he needs to be earning MORE for the two of you to have the comfortable life you envision. I strongly suggest you don't overinvest in a house at this point for a number of reasons - first, unless you have a pre-nup (or a post-nup for that matter) about your own purchase of the house, it will likely become joint property. You are, in fact, giving some of your money to a man with which you are currently unhappy by buying a house. Second, you seem to resent that you are buying the house (somewhere in there, at least) even though it is something that fulfills one of your dreams and this is also not a good sign. (along the line of marriage being a series of choices, you do have the choice of staying where you were and living on less money for a while...so I'm wondering what the tipping point is for you that you think the house is more important than saving the money...even though buying the house is adding to your resentment...)
Marriage research suggests that the first year of marriage is very, very difficult for almost everyone. Instead of being this wonderful joining of people who are meant to be together, it is an eye-opening journey into what it means to compromise with another person who may seem to share your goals but whose way of getting there is completely (and frustratingly) different. You two need to talk in depth about your expectations and answer some questions:
You've been single for a long time. It's possible that you've built up a "dream inventory" of what marriage was going to be like that is now getting in your way. That is, you expected perfect harmony right away. Instead you got reality - a tough job that takes too much time, lonely weeks when a spouse is out, etc.
Also, you may find that your husband is bringing some baggage from marriage #1 that you're unaware of, as well. Both of these would be very common, but you'll need to talk about them overtly to understand what is going on. For example, my husband was concerned for many years that I would "just walk out on him", as his first wife had. Though she had given him, and everyone else, lots of warning that she was unhappy, he hadn't "heard" her, and so it felt to him as if she had deserted him. This fear that he had came up in strange ways in our marriage for quite a while (until, in fact, we had had terrible problems and I still didn't walk out...so now he believes me). Sometimes these things are as little as phrases or ways of saying something that is unexpected. Talk with him to find out.
I want to return to the idea that marriage is a series of choices once more. Over the years, my husband and I have made many of these (sometimes very major) choices for each other, though always after lots of discussion. For example, we moved from San Fran to Boston when I wanted to help take care of my ailing mother (less discussion on this one, actually, once we figured out he could stay in his same job while we did this). I moved out to San Fran originally because he wanted to see what the West Coast would be like to live on. He has chosen, quite consciously, to earn about 1/3 of what he is capable (based on previous jobs) so that we can have much more family time together and he can have the ability to telecommute in the summer from a different location for over two months every year. Even though I liked my job a lot, I chose to start working part time when my kids were of a certain age because I felt it was the only way we could successfully hold our family (and me) together.
People make these types of decisions all the time (often an exchange of time for money) and perhaps there are some that will work for the two of you. They often take time to work through, so don't be too frustrated if you don't find a great solution right away. It would be a shame if a relationship which sounds as if it has many good things going for it, founders on the time needs of the specific job he currently holds or, conversely, founders on your need for his immediate time at home (vs. giving it a bit more time and being patient).
The answer to the question - what's most important, family time, money, or work - and how do we balance it all - is different for every couple.
Finally, I would suggest you investigate your own expectations for a husband and marriage (and I don't say this in a mean way, only that this is an important thing for every person - and in my opinion, particularly for every woman - to do). You don't admit to wanting a child here, so it's hard for me to tell if that is playing a role in your eagerness to move forward. Or if perhaps your loneliness for so many years makes you anxious that you'll be lonely again, and so you are having difficulty enjoying the few times that you have together and dreading what your future may look like in a way that exagerates what's happening now (which might be temporary...I can't tell from your note).
Not much of what you write about sounds ADHD driven, though perhaps some of your anxiety is related to ADHD behaviors or experiences that you don't relate here. In any event, we are happy to listen and to give you ideas as you wish. Let us know how you do!
Melissa Orlov
Single in Marriage Response
Submitted by Electra125 on
What Marriage Means
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The post nup sounds like a good idea, but can you get it signed before buying the house, since you didn't get the pre-nup before the marriage???
It's time for the two of you to have some serious discussions about what marriage means to you. Perhaps a marriage counsellor can help you do this effectively and make the conversation productive. You need to figure out if you have the same overall goals, or whether you have a complete mismatch in terms of what a "marriage partnership" means. You should find this out now, before you find yourself in a position of completely resenting his behavior (more than you do now). I sympathize with you - my own belief is that you marry in order to be together, and my husband and I have shaped our lives around this idea (changing jobs, etc). But I know there are other people who like to not be together all the time and find distance keeps things fresh (think bi-coastal marriages, for example).
He also needs to hear, loud and clear, that you think that your needs are going unmet. Again, a counsellor may well be able to help.
Be careful not to mix up things you knew about before your marriage with things that dissapoint you now. For example, it sounds as if you knew about the $70,000 he spent. If you had wanted to, you could have figured out how long it would take him to pay it back even before you got married. If you could accept his spending it then as part of his recovery from his divorce, then it's probably best to accept it now (in other words, don't let your feelings about being alone now make things accepted in the past not okay now - that's moving the goal line on him). That path opens up a lot of issues that will only make you feel worse and that he might, rightfully, resent coming up now. If you mean that you have debt right now that is part of the $70,000, then perhaps putting together a plan to manage that debt will help.
I do not understand your comment about "a wife and a dog do not make a family!" Was "not" a typo?
I would be interested to hear what you mean.
Melissa Orlov