I've been married almost 10 years and when my husband and I were dating he made sure to inform me that he had ADD and the things he struggled with. We researched things together and did a lot of reading. My husband is very, very responsible, has been working the same job 26 years but struggles with OCD, dyslexia and has a lot of angry outbursts. I was diagnosed with ADD only a few years ago (explains a lifetime of things....) I have suffered from mild depression ever since I can remember so I can easily fall into being lethargic. I am very forgetful and mostly laid back (sometimes too much) and have a tendency to become prone to my depression unless I snap myself out of it. My husband's OCD actually helps him with staying organized and on task but he gets very upset and angry when I don't do things the way he wants me to (thank goodness for good boundaries) or when I have difficulty understanding something that he is trying to explain. He has a very hard time with empathy towards me (sometimes he just doesn't get it at all) but he has a huge tender heart for helping people in need or when someone is suffering. He yells a lot and has angry out bursts, mostly minor things or when I forget something like not put something back or leave a door open, etc.....Any suggestions how to communicate/work with him better to resolve or tone down some of this stuff? Thanks!
I have ADD and so does my spouse, Help!
Submitted by ADDer married t... on 01/26/2016.
Recognition, & Acceptance....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your inability to interact and get on the same page about things sounds a lot like my wife I...We have been married just under 8 years...Even though you both have Add or Adhd, when you weigh in all the differences like opposite sex, different histories, different personalities, and different priorities you are nothing a like...Just like my wife and I.
So, I will share where we have made progress in this area....The very first thing I had to do before any progress or healing could take place, was to get out of the illusion of my mind that I could verbalize or do something that would cause any real or permanent change in the way she lives life, just by pointing it out....The easiest way to say this is: Drop my expectations and exchange them for acceptance, acceptance doesn't mean I agree. All that means is I had to drop any emotional attachment to what I wanted her life to look like...And accept my wife's reality, no matter how foreign or dysfunctional I think it is much of the time....
I was always trying to rescue my wife, and she didn't want rescued. Her add on a scale from 1-10...Is probably between 6-9 in most areas....There is no way I could list all her tendencies, nor will I try...She lives much like you do...Throw in mild hoarding, extreme Independence one minutes, and extreme co-dependence the next and you will have a pretty good picture.
As for me, I'm good at navigating life, lots of energy, hate altercations, love peace and I'm an emotional romantic. (The worst thing I could be with my wife) I came up hard, worked hard, loved hard and experienced a lot of success in life because of it...Which is a good thing that I'm thankful for....But, I also have (hopefully had) insecurities because of it, and had a tendency to judge or gage others by my standards, instead of having a heart that could show empathy and understanding. So early on in our marriage I would beat her up with expectations that was as foreign to her as the working of her mind is to me. And because of Denial, Pride and our inability to Communicate, we had about as unhealthy of a marriage as it could get....
When we got married we were both type A's who both were terrible at filtering thoughts before speaking...As uncomfortable as its been for me, I've had to drop my comfort level with voicing my thoughts....I've had to be quiet....I've had to look at verbally responding to her outbursts as if my reply meant I would be bitten in the jugular by a rattlesnake!!! This has been the best thing for our relationship ever, and has afforded me the peace I've sought, except for Acceptance which is driving my efforts...
First you have to understand my wife could not have written your post due to denial, maybe she could, but, I would be in shock...Which she does shock me from time to time...The fact you wrote your post is very huge and say's to me that you are self-aware and want to continue to grow in you marriage relationship...
Two simple examples will help you to see what I'm trying to relay....
Yesterday our cat died, I had to put her down and bury her. My wife had the cat 20 years, and I have been it's care giver since we married the past 7.5...So after I got done with that I cooked supper for us, while she was working on putting Christmas stuff in boxes and bins....When we set down to eat, I prayed. As soon I finished she blurted out this Statement:..."You didn't say any thing about (cats name), Demand...Say something about the cat!!!....I use to not handle this well, but, because it's the rattlesnake setting at my jugular...I just looked kindly at her, and said.." I will bow my head if you have something you want pray about"....She mumbled something, maybe never mind...We ate and it never came back up....
Example 2# Today I was watching a episode of a TV show when she walked into the room and started talking, so I hit pause and listened to her. When she was done I commented on something that had happened on the TV show, and she lost it!...Blurted out a bunch of angry stuff about how i ruined it for her etc..etc....I held my tongue...(Thank you Lord)...So about 30 minutes later she was headed to the gym and said something to me from the Kitchen...So I walked in there and spoke to her. Before she left I said.." I'm sorry I mentioned the program to you"...She said.."And I'm sorry I got ugly about it"....my wife is easily addicted, trying to figure out what is going to happen in TV shows and movies is so important to her, it's like her cocaine...I knew that, but, in the moment got to comfortable....
Your husband needs to understand you; and you need to understand what he is seeing and experiencing in how you live life...And visa-versa...When our mates lives or so contrary to what we think life should be like, we will always struggle to keep things positive...Without Acceptance of each others reality, there isn't much hope for a healthy and peaceful life together....Sometimes a good counselor can help you communicate your feelings...Some people's lives or just intrusive and that makes it tough...In my opinion everyone has issues, but they don't have to be such huge stumbling blocks in our marriage, if we will just puke up our own stuff, look inward, and deal with our own hearts.....
I hope the best for you!
C