Forum topic: I just don't know what to do.

Wed Oct 20th, 2010 - 10:23pm by leighann524

Anger, Frustration & ADHD
I'm brand new here. I have some serious problems and just have no idea what to do. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and turrets syndrome when he was about 13. He has outgrown the ticks from turrets, but everything else is in full swing. No one felt that it was important to tell me that he had ADHD before we got married. Even speaking to his mother, she said, oh well you loved him anyway so I didn't think it was important. Now, 3 1/2 years and two children into it, I find out. All of the heart ache I've endured since we got married, from what I've read anyway, has been related to his disorder. When I found this out, I was relieved and very willing to work on anything we could to save our relationship. Problem is, he refuses to believe ADHD has anything to do with our problems. Actually he doesn't think we have problems and thinks it's laughable that I think we do, and thinks I'm crazy for trying to get us into coucelling. He's very sensitive about it all. He tried medication when he was young and first diagnosed and hated it and has since refused to take medication for it. I don't know what to do. I love him, but seeing how he treats our children, how he treats me, I don't know how much longer I can stay. I feel broken. That's the best way to describe how I feel. I used to be such a happy person, now because of all his negativity, I feel depressed most of the time. I don't want to go on repeating all the issues we have, as many of you know the things that happen in a relationship with someone with this disorder. Is it selfish that I want to leave him? He can't help that he thinks differently and reacts differenty than me, and I can't seem to be ablest stop feeling neglected and depressed with how he treats us. Any advice would be immensely hepful. I'm just at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do now. I feel as though I've tried everything I can, but I'm getting no help from his end.

Comments

Submitted by ProfessorScattered on Thu Oct 21st, 2010 - 7:58am

You do NOT want to raise your kids with an untreated ADHD father. My own father almost certainly had it, and in my 50s I still have nightmares about him. Those sudden explosions of temper may not seem like much to him, but to a small child they're terrifying. So you need to draw a clear line. Tell him the marriage is on hold until his ADHD is under control. If he can do that and go to marriage counseling, you'll consider staying married. Otherwise, divorce. This sounds harsh, but things will not get any better on their own. He needs to be working on this. I have ADHD myself. I know how difficult it is. But that does not give me any excuse to be a selfish or abusive partner. Good luck.

Submitted by leighann524 on Thu Oct 21st, 2010 - 9:28am

Thanks for that, it's the kind of thing I need to hear. I've gotten a little scared to approach him with any problems because no matter how I put it, I don't like 'attacking' people it's not constructive, he tends to explode. He's never been physically abusive but I have talked to him about being unnecessarily harsh with our two year old. He says he doesn't see it as a problem. He says our two year old isn't stupid and asks how else he's supposed to get through to him. I can't seem to get him to see that he's just two and he needs time to learn. I feel like I'm always stepping in and trying to stop him from being just plain mean to our son. I also didn't know until recently that ADHD is highly hereditary. Im so concerned for my sons now and hope I can help them if they do end up having this disorder. I'm stil miffed that no one felt it was important to tell me he had it.

Submitted by marcgravia on Thu Oct 21st, 2010 - 12:55pm

Except when I mention counseling, it's so that the therapist can fix ME. There's of course nothing wrong with him, and he denies any role of ADD in our relationship problems even though the issues fit so many of the stories here to the letter.  I don't know what to do if he refuses to work on himself. I have done therapy, self-help, you name it, to work on me. Why is it that he thinks he's so perfect and can't try a little bit of effort. When I ask for support or anything, he just says that he does it, and there's no issue. I seriously don't know how long I can handle this. I think the only thing that keeps me holding on some days is the love of my son. I miss feeling loved and supported. I too feel broken and have just come to the sad realization that maybe there's nothing I can do, and I just have to live in an unhappy marriage. My heart goes out to you.

Submitted by leighann524 on Thu Oct 21st, 2010 - 1:10pm

It sounds like we are married to the same person. I know how you feel. You can only do so much it seems and after that, what else can happen? If he continues to dismiss ADHD as a contributing factor to our problems, I will eventually leave. I just can't imagine continuing on like this forever, especially with the impact it will have on my two boys. I strongly believe that children need both parents to thrive as well as possible, but the damage he could do to them emotionally and mentally makes having a single parent seem a much better option. It's very difficult to think about leaving because my kids adore him, even with the explosions of anger. And at the end of the day, it's always hard to think about leaving someone you still love.