DH and I have been married 29 yrs. I knew within a couple of months that something was different with him. He was diagnosed about 10 years later, tried one med, said it didn't work and dropped the whole thing. For the past 29 years I have been the responsible one. He has kept a job for the last 15 yrs (the first 14 were horrendous job-wise) but other than that everything has been on my shoulders. If something is done it is because I did it or reminded until it was done. It has been very stressful.
Now he has decided that all of our marital problems are my fault. It is the usual ADHD thing, he doesn't see his role at all. I've confessed not handling things correctly at times and apologized for what I know I did. I also tried to explain how the symptoms of ADHD had caused many of our difficulties. It doesn't matter to him. In his eyes it is ME. During this time he has decided to shut me out and embrace his family, whom he hasn't been close to for the entirety of our marriage. He has decided his sister is his confidante and best bud. He had surgery and was out of work for 12 weeks and he talked to her constantly on the phone. His sister is bad news. She has been divorced twice and doesn't have a positive outlook on marriage. She causes problems where ever she goes. She doesn't like me. She would like nothing better than to see me gone so they could be roomies. It is bizarre and a little creepy. After he returned to work they didn't talk for a month and things were starting to improve between us. The fits of anger he had been having calmed down and we had actually started having decent conversations about our relationship. So, his sister calls him this past week with a story that his mom (who she lives with) is deathly ill with her heart. So he drops work and runs down there two days ago. He promised me he would be back this afternoon. I made plans for us to do some things after he returned. I talked to his mom, she is not deathly ill. They did stuff the whole time he's been there. So, he calls and tells me that he decided not to come home today, he'll come home tomorrow. I told him he promised he would come home and he needed to keep his word. He said he had to do some laundry then he would be home. About the time he was supposed to be home he called again and said he was going to stay longer. It doesn't matter what I want or what I need it's about HIM. I'm so tired of things being this way. He won't get any treatment whatsoever, no meds, no counseling, nothing. I don't have the finances to make it on my own. I'm stuck. I could go on and on about the things that have happened, but it would just be a repeat of so much of what has been said here already.
So, the question is, how do I stop hoping things will improve, stop being hurt by his behavior and just make a life for myself and our son? I've realized that's really what I need to do.
I am so sorry
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you, Standing, it helps
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you, Standing, it helps tremendously to know that there are others who understand what I am going through. The last few months have been especially hard for me because my mother, who was the person I confided in and my greatest supporter, passed away unexpectedly. There's not been a lot of comfort from my DH. I don't know why, other than it seems he is incapable of providing it. I, too, had the great courtship and even a some years with a loving husband, although he still had the myriad of ADHD symptoms. I guess that was the hyper focus. It has just been these last few years that I have become his enemy.
I don't know if I will be home when he returns. We have a 15 yr old son and he and I may just make our own plans. He didn't tell me when he will be home other than it will probably be tomorrow. We had things we were supposed to get done tomorrow, but, again, it probably won't happen. I dream of boldness also, to just tell him that I will be making my own life and if he wants to join me, great. If not, he is on his own. When I hint at that he improves for a few days, then it all goes out the window again. I have plans with family next week. I will look forward to that. It just makes me so sad, though.
It's so good that you have
Submitted by Standing on
It's so good that you have plans for next week that will bring you some measure of relief. Reading your post yesterday evening pained my heart in a way that is so familiar, after 10 years... and I could not imagine living with it for 29. Everything seems a bit lighter and brighter in the morning, especially since my son made a point to wake up very early and get outdoors to mow our lawn :) He is 18, just graduated high school, and plans to join the service in the fall. I keep thinking: once he leaves, maybe then I will make some changes.... He is my youngest of 4, all from a previous marriage, and - after years of micromanaging and bullying from my husband, has no interaction with him at all. He is the last person in my immediate circle who really knows what it has been like. My fear is that, if I don't strengthen my core quickly and solidly, once left entirely alone with him I may disappear into him and completely lose my self.
I've been scanning job options in our small town, but honestly - I'm not feeling up to starting something new. Like your nickname here... feeling so worn down and worn out. Managing life with him has been thoroughly draining and now, for the past year, I've been working with him in the business he started. At one point, the business was successful enough that it could have paid off our little house. But no. Instead, he drained the account to "grow" HIS business (after telling everyone that we are equal partners), and now the entire operation is running by the skin of its teeth. At this point, I am working for room and board, and feel like I am suspended in limbo, because if I walk away from his business, I am convinced that he will no longer allow me to pay our household expenses out of his account. On the other hand, the expenses really are quite modest and I know that I could live quite simply... maybe I can move out and rent a cheap place for the sake of the peace and stability of being away from this chaos. That sounds attractive, yet terrifying. Maybe I need to revisit the book Codependent No More.
This is what really gets me: Last fall, when my husband appeared to be very grateful for all of my help at work and eager to please me, we talked about security and the high value I place on it. He asked me what it would take, boiling it down to "how much money" would he need to bank. I told him it is not about how much, it's about planning goals together and curbing impulses to spend wisely. I saw his eyes glaze over, so I told him that I would be very thankful to pay off our very modest home. When we could have, and did not, I asked him why. His response, paraphrased: I'm not going to do that because then you won't need me. In other words, then he would not have anything to hold over my head. Right. Thanks for defining me in such a delightful way. He almost had me convinced that I really was that way. I am not. Now if I can only convince myself that he does not define me. Feels like the first step would be to stop going in to work and sacrificing my time, my energy, my self for the sake of a business that he considers his alone, about which he makes unilateral decisions. But I'm too tired to face the conflict that would create, so it has been easier to just keep showing up.
Maybe you and your son can get out today to see a movie or something. I know that I dread any sort of homecomings and would rather be away. Here's to a peaceful day with plenty of smiles and even an inspirational moment or two!
Standing, I interpret your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Standing, I interpret your husband's action in a different way (although because I don't know him or you and am basing this on my experiences with my spouse, there's a good chance I'm wrong).
My husband has told me a few times, in rare moments of candor, that sometimes when I express the desire for him to do something, his brain responds immediately with, "I DON'T want to do that, because my wife wants me to, and so I'm going to do the opposite." Is it possible that this is what your husband was doing? If so, I don't have a solution, because I think that one spouse's desire or impulse to act in an oppositional and defiant manner is incompatible with marriage. But that's where I'm at....
Oppositional and Defiant
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
My husband does the same oppositional/defiant thing, and I have wondered if that is something could be helped if he ever got treatment. My husband often responds the same way with authority figures (like his step dad, policemen, etc). You're right, Rosered, it IS incompatible with marriage, and it's not so great for other relationships either.
My partner does the
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
My partner does the oppositional defiant thing too. He wont listen to me... but If he hears it from someone else or reads it in a book he will take that on.. so Is it a matter of reverse psycology.
Yes, that is possible.
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you for your interpretation, Rosered, and PerfectStorm, as well.
I used to see many examples of oppositional defiance in his interactions with my son. That stopped cold, once my son gained a few inches in height on him. Before, it was classic bullying behavior. I used to be very meek and quiet, horrified of confrontation (except where his treatment of my son was concerned!), so about all he had to do to hush me was ignore my requests and I'd wither away with my hurt feelings. Took me 5 years of his continual addiction to an online video game before I worked up enough backbone to pull that plug. Often I feel very slow and foolish, but I have learned a great deal.
Now I get a taste of what may be defiance in his snide, "Yes, dear" (imagine mildly snarky tone), anytime I appear on the scene and wait for his attention before speaking. This happens at work and does not occur often, as I rarely have anything to say to him.
Other than that, I can think of some innocuous examples, like once about 8 years ago, when I saw him with the vacuum and expressed genuine astonishment. He told me then that he just happened to notice that the carpet needed to be vac'd, but that I should not expect him to do that regularly. And guess what? Never happened again.Maybe I looked too pleased at the sight and so he registered that as another thing to cross off his list. Maybe there's a similar reason for Worn's spouse not coming home when he was originally scheduled to do so. Maybe he simply does not want to give her the satisfaction of his following through. I do believe that is at least part of the reason why my husband is not scheduling his assessment. He does not want me to be proven correct. So - suddenly he is doing the dishes nightly, as though that will prove me wrong. As though... See? I don't need to be evaluated. I have not blown up in anger and I am even washing the dishes regularly!" If he were not so time-less, he might have noticed that I gave up on his doing dishes years ago. I really don't mind tending them myself and it has been a non-issue since about 2007.
Thank you both again, for giving me something else to consider. I did not go in to work today, because I've been there 6 days/week forever and I'm halfway through the book Is It You, Me, or ADD. Excellent resource.
When husband returned
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband returned from his trip Saturday evening. He had told me he would be home Saturday morning so we could do some of the things that needed to be done, but that didn't happen. I didn't say anything further about his trip. I felt like I'd already said what I wanted to say and there was no sense in beating a dead horse. I asked how his mother is, he shared a few things and that was it. Monday morning before he went to work I was talking with him just about general things and asked him a question. Then asked again. And again. It turns out he had left without letting me know. His work keys were on the kitchen table so I had to call him to let him know. He came back to get them and I told him to please let me know when he leaves the house. It is rude not to do so. He said he was in a hurry to get to work. It doesn't take extra time to call out "I'm leaving for work!" *sigh*
The up side to all of this is that I had some time alone with our teenage son. We had the best conversation Friday night. We had talked some Thursday night and he came to me Friday saying he wanted some more chat time. We talked about what is going on in his life, his grieving process for my mom (who died in Feb) and a lot more. It was great.
I found out something new
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I learned in the last week that my husband is getting some help. He didn't tell me, I inadvertently found out. We have been getting along better and hadn't had any heavy disagreements. I didn't say anything until today. We were having a conversation about him visiting his family. I have no problem with him going to see his mother, but his sister lives there and I believe she would rather my husband leave me. I addressed my concerns to my husband and he blew up at me. He got extremely angry, trampled all over my concerns, made me feel like an idiot, everything is my fault, etc. He said I just want to control and manipulate everything. If I have any concerns, any emotions, etc, that is what I am accused of. I told him the doctor's office had called so I knew about his appt and I asked him what meds they are giving him (the pharmacy called about his prescription being ready so I knew he had one). He said it is none of my business.
Really, I'm beginning to ask myself, when will I stop being overly concerned about him and start taking care of myself and our son? What is it in me that wants him to be okay at the expense of myself? He told me right now he can't take care of anything for me, meet any of my needs or be who our son needs him to be. He needs to take care of himself and himself only. I can't even identify with that kind of thinking. He did finally admit (after almost our entire marriage of putting all the blame on me) that he is responsible for some of our troubles, although it always seems to point back at me.
I am so disappointed. When I learned he was getting help I thought it was a sign he cared about our marriage and our son He made it clear it definitely was not to help our marriage, it was all about him. He told me he cannot be "confrontational" with me and if it continues he will leave. The problem is, he considers anything that I have a concern about confrontational. I can't talk to him about any of my concerns. No matter how I start he turns it around, blows up, and it's all my fault. Again, why do I keep doing this? Sometimes I just wish I didn't care. He accuses me of that. It would be easier if I didn't. I just don't know what to do. I am in the midst of the grieving process after losing my mother unexpectedly 4 months ago and have no one to lean on. My husband says he can't help me with that. I'll just have to grieve on my own. No sympathy. Nothing. I feel so lonely and really worn out.
My husband once told me, when
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband once told me, when I was griping about how little support and care he has provided to me and our daughters over the past several years, that he "can barely take care of" himself. The context and tone conveyed that he thought I should feel sorry for him. "Oh, look at poor me, 58-year-old guy, I can barely take care of myself and you're complaining that I'm not helping you or our daughters!" This comment kind of sickened me. It seems that my husband would rather appear pathetic than make an effort to be more supportive.
If I mention anything that could be construed as a problem, my husband will not respond. Because, of course, the issue isn't that there is a problem but that I've pointed out there is a problem and tried to resolve it.
At this point my husband isn
Submitted by WornOutMB on
At this point my husband isn't wanting to appear pathetic. Whatever it is it comes across as extremely selfish and self centered. When I tried to talk to him he said that if I had just kept it to myself we would be fine. The reason why we're not fine is in part because he avoids talking about anything. So the issues we've had for 29 years are ignored until I can no longer stand it, approach him like he's a stack of dynamite on the verge of being lit, make my case and wait for the explosion. I talked to his mom a few months ago. She said she divorced his dad after 19 years because he would avoid any and all things that needed to be discussed. She ended up feeling lonely and unloved. I can identify. The interesting thing is that his mom has ADHD and his dad did not. I think he got a double dose of avoidance.
Your husband's problem
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Your husband's problem-solving nonapproach is like my husband's. It's the biggest contributor by far to the breakdown of our marriage. I acknowledge my contribution to our problems but I've also been the only one to attempt to resolve the problems.
Tonight, before he left, he
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Tonight, before he left, he was so angry. He was ranting and raving while putting his things in the car. It really concerned me. Embarrassed me also because he was outside and I was afraid the neighbors would see. I tried to get him to come inside and sit down a few minutes and calm himself. He accused me of trying to control him. How in the world can that be considered controlling? Do they not see reality at all? It just boggles my mind.
just like me
Submitted by dvance on
Oh my-so many of these issues are just like my marriage. 19 years, two boys--15 and 13. My husband will be out doing a side job (he's been unemployed since January, nothing on the horizon) and call me at say, noon, that he is cleaning up and not walk through the door until 9pm. No idea what took so long-he doesn't say and I don't ask any more. To be honest, it's easier when he's not here. Today he had two small touch ups to do at two different jobs, both pretty close to our house--he left the house at 7am, got home at 6pm. What took that long? And not one word in between. And then took a shower, put his pjs on and parked on the couch for the rest of the night in front of his iPad. Any other wives have issues with how ADHD people get SUCKED into their screens? It's pretty ridiculous. But I digress. I finally finally FINALLY got it that I need to make my own life. He doesn't notice what I do anyway. I have been out dancing with friends, to movies with friends, out to dinner, lots of stuff. Sometimes he doesn't even know I did whatever-he's not home when I return and he never asks what I did all day. I'm a teacher, so I am home with my boys all summer and we have been doing lots of fun stuff during the days--he doesn't ask about what they did either. How is it possible that a 45 year old man can be so self absorbed? oblivious? How long do they think wives can go without conversation, intimacy, laughter, touch for gods sake. It's like on Planet ADHD, if all is well, that's enough. And I think it would be awesome to live on a planet where you don't have to think about anyone else but yourself-not even that you don't have to, but it doesn't even OCCUR to you that you should or might want to think about someone else, where you don't pay attention to anything that doesn't interest you or catch your eye for the 2 seconds of your attention span, where everything around you just magically takes care of itself somehow-groceries appear, meals appear, laundry is done, kids are under control, pets are squared away-cool! I can just come and go as I please! Do you know if it is my younger son's bedtime (he is a special needs kid-so even at 13 he still has a bedtime), if hubby is home, he doesn't get up to get him to bed? if I start to empty the dishwasher, he'll call out to me-leave it, I'll do it, but not get off the couch to actually come do it? he'll watch me take the garbage out and when I get back say "oh, you should have asked, I would have done it" even though it was easy to see the garbage was quite full.
I too could go on and on. The complete and total self absorbtion and obliviousness are so difficult to live with. How do you explain to a 45 year old person that if you say you will be home at 2pm and don't walk in the door until 10pm, the people you live with might worry? How do you explain that to a person who when asked just says "I lost track of time". I'm certain that is true, but how do you lose 6 hours???
I agree with the other posters that have said make a life for yourself and just go do stuff--whatever makes you happy/kills time/interests you. I have started walking and swimming again and I have lost 3 pounds already this week. Not like he's going to notice-we don't have sex. I didn't do it for him-I'm doing it for me. Works off a lot of the frustration, makes me feel more in control. Is there a class you have wanted to take? a hobby? money is really tight at my house, but there are a lot of free community activities--join a YMCA--super cheap. go to book clubs at the library--free. volunteer at a hospital or animal shelter and take your son with you. one of my sons runs with me, the other swims with me. go to museums on the free days. if there is a music school by you, there are often free concerts by the students that are quite good. ditto community art or theater-cheap if not free. in the summer there are a lot more free outdoor activities to take advantage of. I cannot stress this enough-the flipside of being ignored is FREEDOM. go do stuff.
It's amazing how so many
Submitted by WornOutMB on
It's amazing how so many different individuals can be so much alike. Your husband sounds so much like mine. When we first got married he was supposed to get off of work at 10:00 pm. He didn't show up at home until after midnight. He worked at a gas station that had been robbed and I was really worried. He forgot his key. I had never dealt with such a thing (and I was also 19) and was so angry that he didn't call me and let me know he was going to be late that I didn't let him in. He took off and stayed at his dad's. That was my introduction to ADHD. The lateness has continued to this day. Not as bad as before but enough to drive me batty.
During our argument today he kept letting me know how everything has centered around me for our entire marriage. Huh? I've had to adjust to his way (or non-way) of doing things our whole marriage. If he sees things as going my way all of the time it's because I give up trying to get his cooperation in any decision making. The majority of the time it is "I don't know" "I don't care", etc. I make the decision and I'm accused of being controlling.
I do need to work on the freedom flipside. I really do. I have a small business I run from home that allows me some extra money for fun stuff. I enjoy genealogy a lot and have stopped doing that in the last few years because I was so overly concerned about what was going on at home. I do walk/exercise daily. Other than that I have ignored myself. I thought fixing my marriage should be my priority but I find I'm burning myself out trying to do so.
You know what bothers me so
Submitted by WornOutMB on
You know what bothers me so much about this disorder? Those with it seem to misplace their trust so much. My husband will continually come home saying "So and so" said this and it's like it is the gospel truth. If I try to suggest anything I am called manipulative and controlling. I was trying to find a way to put this when discussing things with him this afternoon. I do not trust that his sister is not putting things in his head about abandoning his family and the way his history of thinking other people have great ideas has been I am concerned he would think that is a wonderful idea. I have the same concern about this new psychiatrist he is seeing. My husband told him that he was very stressed and he told my husband if things get too overwhelming to just "get away for the day". Seriously? He has obligations that he can't just "get away" from. A job. A family. Why will he listen to everyone else but never to me?
selective hearing
Submitted by Standing on
WornOutMB...me too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
This bothers me also. I still haven't figured this out. We are the ones that love our husbands/spouses, but yet they will trust almost any one else EXCEPT us. I wish someone would explain, why IS this? Do they not trust us? do they despise us? It's very hard to understand. Is it just one of the ADHD symptoms, or something that gets learned while dealing with the disorder?
I don't wish ANY harm or ill will towards my husband, but yet he doesn't like believing hardly anything I say. He even "fact checks" me to make sure I have my "facts straight" if I tell him about a news item I saw on television or online. Who DOES that? I don't lie to him, and yet I get fact checked. I believe him, when he tells me things. Maybe its just being a "non", to where in my way of thinking, a relationship is a back and forth reciprocal thing, but it isn't what I'm living with DH. I also don't like the fact that he will ask other people (relatives, friends) if he is "RIGHT" about certain issues. But, he always paints himself in a positive light, to where he "didn't do anything" to deserve being treated the way he believes he's getting treated. It really is mind-boggling.
dedelight, my husband does
Submitted by WornOutMB on
dedelight, my husband does the same. Lately things have been so strained between us (we are semi-separated) that he doesn't talk to me about anything that is important. He has decided his sister is his confidante so he talks to her several times a day and me not at all. I recently learned something that happened that I should have been told but was not. I have not told my husband I know about it. I really don't want another "It's none of your business. You have to have an opinion about everything." explosion. I cannot take those anymore.
When I try to share things I've learned about anything related to us (or really anything beyond surface issues) I get a snide remark that somehow I have become an expert on everything. My husband also paints himself in a positive light, never takes responsibility for his actions and plays the "poor me" game. It is mind boggling. Right now I hang on because of our son and finances. I'm looking for a job. When our son reaches 18 ( 2 1/2 yrs) I don't know if I will continue to stay. It is too hard to live with.
a little different...
Submitted by dvance on
I don't get the "you're now the expert on everything" treatment, but my DH's loyalty is just so misplaced. For example, this weekend he is building a tree house for the son of a friend of ours. He is unemployed, this is a paying side job. He worked at her house Friday from 7am until 6pm. Today, Saturday, he was there from 7am until 11:30 at night and he will be there all day tomorrow and it likely still won't be completed. Our friend ordered pizza, they were drinking beer--there is nothing going on, that's NOT what I mean. She is texting me photos of him dirty from digging the post holes, lifting the 80lb cement bags, etc., with all this "your husband is the greatest!!", "thanks for sharing him with us!!", " he is just amazing that he can do all this stuff!!!", which is all true, but while he is over there making life better for HER son, HIS two sons haven't spent any quality time with him in months. He took our two boys to a baseball game on Thursday night--he said they had a great time, Oldest Son said it was awful. Youngest son had a blast (he has Asperger's, so his perception isn't necessarily reality). So I totally understand what's so appealing about doing things for other people--what's not to love about someone telling you how much they appreciate your hard work, how great you are that you know all this amazing stuff, how much her son is going to LOVE the tree house, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, his own kids barely see him and I am pretty much completely disengaged. Tomorrow I am taking my guys out for an adventure-lakefront, downtown lunch, something fun. And DH will not be there because he is making life better for some other family. Yes, he is getting paid, but even still. It's tough to take. And the worst part is there is NO WAY I could say any of this to DH because he is making money for us on this job. How can I possibly be upset that he is gone when he is making us money that we need (since he is unemployed). Do you ever wonder if ADHD husbands sorta kinda attract disaster? Like engineer circumstances so they come out looking a certain way? I'm not being clear--like his lack of social awareness MUST have contributed to the fact that he got fired and the fact that he's been fired twice inside of two years sure doesn't make him attractive to other companies plus his industry is pretty small, word gets out if you are not a team player, but you know, it's not his fault he got fired, the boss had it out for him the whole time he worked there don't you know, so now he HAS to work this hard to make money for HIS FAMILY. The two other jobs he has applied for, turns out the supervisors were people he had worked with at other companies who didn't like him, so there goes those jobs, but it's not his fault they always took someone else's side, not his, what can he do?? I'm not explaining it well, but he seems to always get the short end of the stick--he is the ONLY one who knows how to run things and now they've fired him, so everyone there is in for a rude awakening without him. He tried to tell them how to run things but they just wouldn't listen, so how is that his fault? He just wanted to help. And so now at age 46 he is back to doing side jobs for $20 an hour just like when I met him when he was 26. We sure haven't come very far over here...