Submitted by mike62082 on 02/06/2010.
I am in a very bad situation and am desperately looking for some insight. I once again searched the Internet to try to find some peace of mind and reassurance that my wife does not hate me and I am not crazy. Reading posts and blogs from people in similar situations helps me realize that the anger, hardships and abuse I suffer at the hand of my ADHD wife is not malicious, thus helping me cope.
I feel we have reached a point where her disorder combined with the way I have tried to handle it has brought me to a point where I can so no solution. Even though she has acknowledged a time or two that she probably has ADHD, its a topic I cant bring up without causing a huge fight. We have been together 3 years and I learned very early in our relationship that anger, nagging, and insisting will not help.
I think that in trying to support her and provide a life for her where she has as little stress and responsibility as possible, giving her an environment where she can work on her issues has only made things worst. I think I have been enabling her and allowing her to just settle in to her disorder. I cant mention her ADHD without her immediately yelling and screaming. In fact, even the tiniest suggestion or positive criticism only result in a fight. I have stopped asking her to do ANYTHING, knowing it wont get done, thus frustrating me and her. She barely holds down a job and not a week goes by where she doesn't perceive some mistreatment from a co-worker causing her to yell, scream, insult, and disrespect me as a way of coping. I don't argue back, knowing there is no winning and knowing that any little disagreement will quickly escalate to her spitting on me, giving me a black eye, breaking my nose, putting her cigarette out on me, breaking things in the house and saying horrible, hurtful things that leave scars that last much longer then the physical ones. Other then her job she does nothing else. I wake up early every day and bring her coffee in bed. She goes downstairs and is on the computer until the second she needs to get ready for work. When I get home from work in the evening she is on the computer until we go to bed. I am not exaggerating when I say I need to do everything. I work 50 hours a week, do ALL of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, caring for our 2 dogs and 2 cats. All without a single complaint because I felt I was helping to ease her stress and cluttered mind. I even wait on her like her personal servant. I love this woman more then I have loved any person in my life but I only seem to be enabling her. She barely notices I exist. She criticizes and insults me on a daily basis. I cant even remember a instance where she has done or even offered to do even the tiniest thing to make my day a little easier. I understand that its the ADHD that is the problem but I don't know what to do. I cant bring it up without being abused. I have learned that people with ADHD often misinterpret comments and facial expressions and have trouble accurately recalling things that have happened in the past but she will even scream at me during an argument claiming I did or said something 5 minutes earlier when in fact I never did. Is this common? I have lost count of the number of times I have been physically and verbally abused for something I never did, and the only way to make it stop is to agree with her and apologize for it. she makes no effort to improve in spite of seeing how tired, run down, and lifeless I have become.
I live my life walking on eggshells, afraid to say almost anything, fearing she will misinterpret it and flip out. Nothing I do is good enough for her. I feel lost and broken. The way she acts has caused everyone else in her life to give up. She hurts everyone who has loved her and pushes them away. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. The ONLY reason I haven't killed myself is the thought of what will become of her if I am gone. I feel like I am out of options. I guess what I am looking for here is some insight from a woman with ADHD. I know this relationship is unhealthy for us both and I just don't know what to do.
Are you happy with this? You
Submitted by jentanne on
Are you happy with this? You are not enabling her... you are in an abusive relationship. ADD does not make you punch out your husband. That is something else. Probably is some kind of mental issue, but not ADD. My suggestion would be to leave until she at least agrees to counseling. You also need counseling just for yourself individually because it is not normal to let some one treat you like this and just put up with it. I speak from experience as I put my ex in jail for just this kind of thing.
Help Dealing with This
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am searching very hard for professional help
Submitted by mike62082 on
what's best
Submitted by arwen on
I think your last statement is the key to your dilemma. You say you are torn between "knowing that the best thing for both of us is probably to be apart" and wanting to fulfill your concept of your role as a loving spouse. I have had to grapple with this same kind of choice. In effect, I was facing a choice between what would probably produce the best overall results, and what would make me feel that I hadn't failed in my marriage. When I put it to myself in those terms, it was pretty much a no-brainer.
I decided that while failing sucks, pouring my life out into a bottomless void wasn't much of an alternative. There's only so much one person can do. Realization of this led me to accept the necessity of a separation from my husband. This in turn freed me to realistically evaluate our situation. We did try again, and we did resolve our problems and end our separation, but only because we were able to achieve solid, sustainable changes in our relationship.
This is very *not* like the case of a spouse who has cancer! Only very rarely is it better for both spouses to be apart when one is diagnosed with cancer. And cancer does not go on indefinitely for possibly decades -- it is deemed either "cured" after a period of time of treatment without recurrence, or the patient dies in some limited period of time. I certainly wouldn't abandon my spouse if he had cancer, or even a longer term problem like Parkinson's or disabilities that can occur with a stroke -- as long as staying was best for both of us. And I also wouldn't leave him if it seemed likely to be much better for him and somewhat not good for me if I stayed, as long as I could sustain such an effort. But if I believed (and my belief was supported by a licensed professional doctor or counselor) that it would be better for us to be apart, I would accept that need (albeit with great sadness).
Do speak with a counselor, if for no other reason than to get a reality check on your situation. I know this is a very tough situation -- hang in there, good luck!
Thank you
Submitted by mike62082 on
Mike, It is completely
Submitted by brooks30 on
Mike,
It is completely understandable that a spouse would not leave their cancer stricken (etc) significant other. The difference with you is that you are in an abusive relationship. I don't think the others are stating this clearly enough for you...ADHD DOES NOT EQUAL ABUSE.
It is also understandable that you don't want to abandon her but she has abandoned you has she not? You cannot keep waiting on her hand and foot, letting he walk all over you and expect any motivation for change on her end. You state that you want to give her " the comfort, security and happiness she deserves" but what about your comfort, security and happiness!!??
Even if you take almost nothing else away from my post just remember, ADHD DOES NOT EQUAL ABUSE....at all. You have to stop making excuses for her.
non with cancer
Submitted by sandune on
I just noticed "cancer" on this post and my story is one of the many hopeless and sad stories I see here however, I am so blessed to have discovered this site and realize that I am ok......and yes, it is a partner with adhd. I do have cancer and surgery in 3 weeks. She has not mentioned a thing about my cancer for almost a year and I am sure true to her adhd, the morning I am not around and on the operating table she will then take interest......so sad for me. I have had to rely on church friends as my family is deceased. I have had to press my daughter into service to fly in for the initial surgery and recovery. Understandably so, it would be expected for her to come, it is just that my wife is so uncapable to provide any type of support whatsoever. Before I understood adhd, I felt she was just inconsiderate and thoughtless.
I did move out 6 months ago for my sanity, self-respect and dignity. I was so exhausted from it all and could not seem to do enough.
thanks for this site!
Hang in there!!!
Submitted by brooks30 on
Sandune,
First I just want to say that I am so terribly sorry for your diagnosis. I wish you all the strength in the world so you may get through this. Good luck!!!
Second I wanted to point out that you bring up a good point. I can't even begin to count how many times I have read people saying that if their partner had cancer they wouldn't leave so why leave for ADHD, etc. In your case you have cancer and it's your ADHD partner that (surprise) is too caught up in their world to be there for you.
For me this is the most aggravating aspect of ADHD. In my case I gave and gave and gave and the few times I really needed to tune out and have my ADHD partner take over because I was going through a tough time, he would actually become so stressed out by the situation that he would shut completely down and I would have to double time my efforts so everything wouldn't fall apart. Whenever I needed him the most was when he was totally incapable of being there for me.
Why is it that the non-ADHD spouse is always making accommodations (and excuses) for their significant other when in situations as yours, they still aren't there for us? And another thing I keep reading over and over again on this site is how the non-ADHD spouses health went on the back burner because of the lack of support from their ADHD spouse.
I wish you all the luck and strength in beating this and even though it's a cyber one, I just want to give you a big hug.
hang in there
Submitted by sandune on
thanks so much for your post....it gives me the daily strength I need to function in her world. It went down today just as I suspected. I told her my daughter is flying in this weekend for a quick trip re friends baby and since my adhd wife is so caught up in her life, she can not see my daughter and I mentioned that's ok, I know u r busy and she will be back in 2 weeks for my surgery....she went ballistic.....wow, I thought she would wake up the morning of my surgery and realize I was gone. How do I tell my adhd wife she emotionally and physically abandoned our marriage 3 years ago and she just cant pop back in at her convenience. I really think it is public appearances for her. In our community we are on the outside very respected and well thought of and no one knows about her adhd, our separation and the silent suffering that is going on behind closed doors. It would look pretty bad for her if people started coming by her house to visit and bring meals, cards, etc. and I am living 6 miles away. How would she explain that? That is the only reason I am sure she has even acted concerned about my surgery plus the fact my daughter is flying in during my recovery and she should be there for me and she is not capable.
Having people in your life
Submitted by mike62082 on
Having people in your life that think of you and support you is so important. One of the most common problems those of us who visit this site share is having a spouse, the person who one would expect to be the most helpful, supportive force in our life, who is anything but. I am thankful that I have found a place where people like us can get a little support, knowledge, and peace of mind. I wish you the best of luck. Please remember that there are many people thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Thank you. You are absolutely
Submitted by mike62082 on
Thank you. You are absolutely right. I am starting to understand just how often I make excuses for her and I know that by doing everything for her will only enable her and remove any motivation for her to change. I used to think that she should see how hard I work and how tired and worn out I am all the time and as someone who loves me, would be motivated by her concern and desire for MY happiness. I understand now that she just doesn't notice. Not because she doesn't care but because her ADHD prevents her from picking up on all the signs. I understand that ADHD does not equal abuse. I feel that what may have started as mild disrespect or inconsideration has been allowed to escalate to abuse through my actions. Specifically, me repeatedly dismissing the abuse and making excuses for her. I also feel that the lack of communication and her distorted view and perceptions of events due to her ADHD has played a part in allowing things to get this bad.
Thank you for your words of support. It's kind of sad that as I read your comment it occurred to me that I can't remember the last time someone has considered my happiness. I have come to terms with the fact that what is best and healthiest for us both is most likely to go our separate ways but I can't just go. I need to find a way to smoothly transition us from a couple to being by ourselves. I need to know she will be OK. And in spite of all the things she has done to hurt me, I don't think any of it will hurt as much as not being with her. not knowing if she is safe. I know that pain will pass but I can honestly say that to loose her would be the hardest thing I have ever had to suffer. Thank you again for your support.
Mike62082
Submitted by sandune on
I am a very spiritual person...........always have and always will.....the right thing to do is hang in there and take it, suffer......a minister friend of mine said to me last week...and definitely he does not have experience with adhd, anyway he said to me, if the small amount of good times is all you receive, isn't that enought? Now, how does he not know, my wife literally abandoned our marriage 4 years ago..many days, let me say most, she does not even give me 5 minutes a day. And then the 24/7 drama and chaos. She would ask me to take on monumental projects like painting the house, building an arbor, new fireplace surround which I just totaled the time up a 180 hours. In fact, I will take on these projects and she will take off for a day chasing "air". So, I get very frustrated and anxious. That is a lot of time on a home project when you run your own business. It is never fast enough or good enough and I am exhausted. I receive zero from her, not that I expect it however, a kind word, a smile, an I love you, just anything would do and keep me motivated.
If I had just one sign I wasn't married to an "empty shell", I could run miles with it, sounds like I am venting, just exhausted. She has her own business and gets into trouble every day all day long and calls upset constantly. Before I new she had adhd, I use to jump in and bail her out..............didn't work, endless. I wanted her to kinda fail, so she may consider changing and stepped back after 3 years...She has what seems to be unlimited resources and as long as she can write the check to fund her chaos, she continues.
thanks for this site.
This is so hurtfulshe does not give m
sandune
Submitted by mike62082 on
Mike62082
Submitted by sandune on
thanks for your reply..................my life is ditto to yours..........for a very long time the criticism, disrespect and lack of appreciation initially pushed me internally to do more...and constant disappointment and lack of a kind word, a hug, a kiss, that look you know they love you, etc..............destroyed my motivation. I operate my own business and make it a point after 25 years as a sole proprietor, how to deal with the assortment of personality types I have as customers and to satisfy their needs and happiness and put myself last and I am very much ok with being last............as the verse says....."the first shall be last and the last shall be first". I reflect on that verse for strength. If I didn't see her treating her children and other relationships the same way, I would think something is wrong with me. You are right, you are alone in control of how you deal with it and yes, you alone decide what mood to be in.....It took me a while to absorb that philosophy however, that is the only way we can survive.
If I only had one glimmer / experience of "goodness" I could have to keep me going.......I am doing more to take care of me personally and my happiness and honestly can feel the difference in my attitude and outlook, now remember, I am an optimist with positve energy and attitude. Before I met my wife and experienced adhd first hand......I strongly believed there is no such thing as a bad person...only misdirected people needing a polite nudge in the right direction with love. Wow, what a challenge it is to keep that mindset!
thanks again for your posts and energy to get me thru today, tomorrow and next week!.......
I too believe that for the
Submitted by mike62082 on
So similar, it's getting scary
Submitted by sandune on
I read your posts and our experiences are identical......and definitely encourages my desire to get thru it all!
yes, happiness in small places, I live at the beach and just a 5 minute gaze across the water each day is my quick fix. If my wife could only see happiness at all and even dream with me a little about tomorrow, next week, our futures together. She is totally unable to grasp last week, if only to grasp the impulsive decisions that propelled her into chaos only to repeat the identical problems this week and can't undertstand why. If only we could envision a weekend away, just the two of us without her cell phone dragging along all of her issues with her adult children, extended family and friends as well as business problems. It is as if she requires drama or stir up drama daily to survive.
If she could only hug me and I felt she meant it.....I don't hear I love you anymore and for a long time those words came across as just words........no action, just repetitive non applicable meaningless words.
I am beginning to enjoy my separation now, how nice it is to be drama free and not have to continually rescue someone for their decisions and behavior. I have lost a few customers due to her inability to follow thru on her promises. I have lost a few friendships because her actions. She will press me for information and in the past I would share things that only a husband and wife would share. I began to notice a few people were distant and very reserved with me. I found out she was sharing information on the street I told her in confidence.
Love motivates love and without her love, I noticed I had arrived at a place I didn't like myself very much anymore and thank goodness I found this site. I am slowly re-pairing my self-respect as well as validating my value system. I would have never dreamed I would doubt myself and wow, an adhd personality can certainly test your ideals.
I urge you, and everyone
Submitted by mike62082 on
"The world is a wonderfully weird place, consensual reality is significantly flawed, no institution can be trusted, certainty is a mirage, security a delusion, and the tyranny of the dull mind forever threatens -- but our lives are not as limited as we think they are, all things are possible, laughter is holier than piety, freedom is sweeter than fame, and in the end it's love and love alone that really matters."
Tom Robbins
Me too
Submitted by Paul K on
I can really relate to your situation, Mike. I do not have the physical abuse, but I feel the emotional abuse. I am married with kids and I have just realized lately that my ADD wife has not shown me any attention or understanding for at least the last 2 years. Any attention she pays to me is only after I have asked her specifically for something (e.g. time together, dates, etc.). Until recently I was feeling so selfish for having to ask for simple things, like a kiss in the morning or when I come home from work. Every time I get close to speaking about her ADHD or her issues, she turns completely negative and turns it around so it is always my fault. I am working on acceptance, but I can only accept so much. She also has an exaggerated or "literal" interpretation of whatever I say. There is no real listening or questions from her...just her interpretation and solution of what I am feeling.
I am finally coming to grips with my wife and trying to determine if I can live the rest of our lives together. This is really tough.
I wish I could help
Submitted by mike62082 on
I don't know if this site is new to you, but if so I encourage you to explore it. Finding people who can relate to us and discovering that we are not alone (and more importantly, not crazy) will help to keep you from actually going crazy. Posting and reading here helped me deal with my situation as well as gave me insight into her (and my) situation. Other than that I have no advice for you.
I am sad to say that we are not together anymore. After discovering she had cheated on me, I had no choice but to sit her down and explain that there is no way to continue as a couple. This all happened about three weeks ago. I will say that it ended rather uneventfully. With no drama or abuse of any kind. The man I had become after four years of struggling was making her less and less happy so we both just agreed that we just don't work as a couple. I love her and always will so I will still be in her life and there to help her if she ever needs me. Well, WHEN she needs me. I worry about her happiness. Not to sound conceded but if in spite of all of my effort, sacrifice, forgiveness, and love I have given her, if she could not find happiness with me, I fear she will be a very sad and lonely person. I'm sure I will continue to give and sacrifice, and be hurt by her but I will now start to live for myself and find the happiness I deserve.
I hope you can find the solution that I could not. I feel for you Paul. The only thing I can say is fight. Don't try to just deal with her issues for the rest of your life. You need to work hard. Make significant changes. Take drastic measures to get the help, knowledge, and support you both need. I learned that this is not something that can be fixed by making subtle changes over a long period of time. It will eat you alive before you see any change. I hope you have the strength to do it because I'm sure she loves you and she probably can't even comprehend how much her behavior is hurting you. Good luck Paul.
Well done MIke
Submitted by Monkeygirl on
Am so relieved to hear that you have separated Mike. You have a fantastic attitude and are obviously a wonderful person. But if your relationship causes you to contemplate suicide then things just aren't working the way they should. And that is true in the same was as many of the things you say about love and sacrifice are. It is one thing accepting that you may have to make sacrifices in love - but if you cannot turn an unhealthy relationship healthy then you must leave it, because you are not creating anything good. In fact if you let someone abuse you I guess there is a risk that you may become abusive one day your self.
I think you will need a lot of time to recover from this, and I wish you all the best. Well done.
good job Mike
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
Mike, I'm glad you are out of that terrible situation. I read your posts and feel the exact same (minus the physical abuse). It's a hard life to live. I know I have my own set of problems,but much of my attitude seems dependent on his behavior and I've been abandoned for the past 14 years. I get what you're saying about carrying the load around the house, job, life etc.
It's not easy. I'm kind of new to this site, but have posted a lot and gotten a lot of great advice and mostly support. I know I'm not alone in this, if just connected via the internet. Sometimes I wish we could all start as support group in person so we could just get those "hugs" we so deserve and need. Unfortunately CHADD does not have anything near me and I'm just not strong enough to start my own group and run it.
Mike I wish you luck and Sandune I hope you heal both emotionally and physically. I've turned to Buddhism to help find some inner peace.
PLEASE leave now :(
Submitted by ChaosConfused on
This woman is abusive and it is NOT her ADHD! She is a jerk and taking advantage of your kindness. Kick her to the curb and find someone deserving of your kindness. Don't blame the ADHD- ADHD doesn't turn you into a jerk, it just makes it hard for us to focus. This woman is using you, and she doesn't seem to care about you at all. Do NOT commit suicide. It is not your fault, it's hers. I hope you find the strength to leave this abusive relationship and find a healthy one. ((hugs)) I have ADHD and I know a couple women with ADHD that may be messy and scattered and restless, but we are loving partners and that is what you should look for- a LOVING partner, with or without ADHD.