I keep hearing about husbands just leaving their family or not caring when their wife and children leave. I don't want to make light of those heartbreaking situations, but I find myself wishing my husband would be that way, because it would make leaving easier for me. Has anyone dealt with their husband just being broken when you talk about separating? I feel like a monster. I keep second guessing myself and asking if it's really THAT bad. I think of his good qualities and how he really is a good person, buried underneath disorders he refuses to get diagnosed and treated. But then I remember that if it wasn't THAT bad, I wouldn't keep getting to the point where I seriously consider divorce.
He really doesn't want to separate/divorce, but he feels like he has nothing to work on and won't go to therapy to help himself. I recognize that I have my own issues, ADD and anxiety, and I have become all too aware over the past couple years, how it affects other people. I know I need to work on myself. But he finds a way to blame everything on me. Even though I have ADD, I feel like the non ADD spouse in the marriage. I think he has some type of mood/personality/social disorder on top of ADHD, maybe depression and bad insomnia. The worst thing is hus inability to connect with me and let me in. I feel like there's a barrier there, like he's so busy in his own head, there's no room for anyone else. I feel like we've never connected on a deep level, everything is superficial and self serving. We've been married 12 years and I'm barely in my 30's. Do I want to be in my 60's and still with a man I can't connect with and feeling lonely? No. Even if I stayed with him until the kids were grown, we wouldn't last after that. i'm sure of it.
The other thing, is that his attitude in general, just sucks. He is so extra sensitive to everything, you can't even joke around him. You can't laugh or talk around him, he will just sigh, grab the TV remote and turn it way up, so if you're talking to someone you have to start yelling over it. You point one little thing out to him and he takes it as a huge criticism. Basically, he's no fun and I don't even want to be around him. I know these are symptoms of ADHD, but I'm not hopeful he will ever see and treat it. He's blissfully unaware of his path of destruction. He will tell me he loves me one minute, and speak down to me, insult me, or dismiss me the next minute and then he's confused why I'm mad. The arguments are getting worse and worse and I'm so tired of the stress.
A few days ago, I started to mentally separate from him and it was freeing. I realized I had been carrying around a burden our whole marriage, of trying to force him to be a certain way, act a certain way, erc. I didn't realized how much energy it drained from me and how much life it sucked out of me. I wish I had left sooner and it would have been easier on both of us. Why did I waste so much time, trying to will an apple into an orange? I feel bad for all the mean and hurtful things I've said and done to him over the years, hoping some miracle would help it to get through to him. I caused him damage over the years and I will carry that forever. I can't erase that and I can't erase the harm he's caused me, either. But I can put an end to it now.
I just hate seeing it hurt him so much. To him, his wife and kids are abandoning him. He would stay together forever in this miserable marriage, even when he is unhappy, too. I hate seeing him cry, even though I feel like it's a little manipulative. He may never see the tremendous amount of pain and lonliness he has caused me over the years and that kills me. I try telling him I don't want to hurt him and that I want him to get help for his own well being, but it just falls on deaf ears. That hurts. Everything hurts so much. I've been lonely our whole marriage, but surprisingly, I feel even lonelier now. I once had to leave my kids for 6 months for military training. That was over 8 yrs ago and has always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've finally found something that tops that. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Even as we separate, I'm still carrying the burden of his pain.
Sorry this is longwinded, but just had to get it out there because the only other person I have to talk to about it, is my mom, who has been through two divorces. But she can't completely relate because her divorces were mutual decisions and she didn't have to feel the guilt of hurting her spouse. Just wondering if anyone can relate.
I definitely can relate.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for sharing and I'm
Submitted by lisa84 on
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you are going through this, as well. Your husband abandoning you, yet saying that to you, makes no sense. And he doesn't intend on coming back? And expects you to stay married to him? That makes me so sad for you. I would definitely file for divorce, also. Your last sentence is what I keep telling myself. What we have does not even resemble a marriage. We are more like really incompatible roommates. Our wedding vows never meant anything, this was never a marriage, so a divorce would only make official, what's already been the reality.
Hi Lisa..Only you can decide....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are always two reason's for conflict in a relationship...We all look at the problems every day in the mirror...You seem to see the dysfunction in your husband well...I'm sure he can see your's just as clear.
The one thing that always puts us on the path to ending the conflict is when we start seeing ourselves as clearly as we see each other...Sometimes it might take being separated to realize what truly is important....But in my in experience Divorces and Separations really don't change people much, especially if they are convinced all the conflict in the relationship is someone else's fault...
There really isn't much hope for victims...
Many times husbands and wives have such different convictions about what is important in life and the marriage relationship....They are really strangers, they just don't know it....So they start using their thoughts about life to measure and judge each other....I'm right! Your wrong!...The is the absents of acceptance....If you can't live like I think you should, I don't want you! Of course we don't say this, because it exposes our selfishness and we all want feel like we're the good one...That's what most of our conflict is about....That's why divorce and separation is so attractive to many people...
I think (like you point out in your post) we all can agree that both parties must work on themselves and take the responsibility for their input into the Dysfunction. Without this we all know (hopefully) nothing changes...Blame is an easy out!
My suggestion for you, is the same as I have for myself.... Do your best to be completely honest with yourself and with your spouse. And, be as self-aware of your own actions as is possible, (no matter how hard it is to swallow)....Because, if you make a life changing decision like your talking about and later you determine you were hiding or suppressing your true feelings, or while you are unstable, angry or bitter the chances for a life time of regret are almost a surety.
Know matter how devoted you've both been to your wedding vows...If you don't like your husband or he doesn't like you it must come to light in a peaceful way....If you will type out a simple list....This is why I don't like my husband/wife....Then give it to each other...Its healthy, its your feelings, own them...It's what a counselor might request from you both....Give them to each other and a few weeks to digest it all....Discuss it calmly....
This is just a guess based on my own feelings. Your husband may see divorce or separation basically on the same level as he does death...To many men, to say we could not manage our homes well is to say we are failures...It's a huge threat to his manhood and his ability to be a provider for those he loves, and vowed to care for....
Try to be understanding....
Blessings
C
C, it's a huge blow to my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
That's right Rose....
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree; We must take ownership or our own actions...You've got to care!
C
Thank you for your reply. All
Submitted by lisa84 on
Thank you for your reply. All good things to think about. My husband has always been a great provider, financially. He's a work-o-holic and I honestly think he finds his job more exciting than his family. But, I am still thankful for all he has done to provide for us. Unfortunately, he thinks that is all it takes to be a great husband and father. It's every other area, he has let us down in. I don't want him to feel like a failure and I do see that this is a threat to his manhood. That's one of the reasons it makes me so sad. he actually thinks he has been doing things to help our marriage, that he's changed. But the "changes" only exist in his head. After 12 years, he still thinks he can change himself, by doing nothing. When I bring up actually doing something, like counseling, he doesn't see how that will help. When I point out things he needs to change, he argues and defends them and turns it back around on me.
Nothing will move forward until he can see that his "normal" is not normal. He really thinks he's normal, and everyone else is backwards. So bizarre.
As far as my faults, his only criticism of me, is that I don't show affection. All I would have to do, is forget all the many constant ways he hurts and insults me, on a near daily basis, and give him some hugs, act like all is well in the world and we are the happiest couple on earth, so he can be happy and I can continue being miserable. He does not see that even if he does not actively do something to hurt me (which would be bad enough), the passive things hurt just as much. Leaving for an entire day on your one day off work, without contacting your wife and kids all day to say where you are or when you'll be home or giving any hint that you think of them or care about them, hurts just as much as a slap in the face. But he does not see that. I've often said he acts like a single man, comes and goes as he pleases. Well, now he will get to be a single man and not have to worry about being accountable to anyone.
Lisa....
Submitted by c ur self on
Well, I understand completely, as many here do...My one suggestion is....Tell him we are messed up....I am 50% of this union and I love you...But we are messed up....I've been your wife for 12 years, and never have sought to force you to do anything (if you haven't) But, now if you want to keep our family together you have no choice...I'm not living like this any longer without seeking some counseling.... if he loves you and the children like you say and has any respect for you at all he will go....
If he refuses a good reputable marriage counselor; then he can only look in the mirror....If he agree's...write every thing down on paper for the counselor...esp...If you tend be emotional....Make notes about what you need to do better also...
I hope the best for you...I will pray for you...
C
Nothing will move forward
Submitted by Mihi Crede on
Nothing will move forward until he can see that his "normal" is not normal. He really thinks he's normal, and everyone else is backwards. So bizarre.
This is a very profound statement. As the undiagnosed ADHD person in our marriage, my wife had to threaten divorce for me to see this, discover what was wrong with me and make the 'consistent' effort to change. Like your husband, I also have been able to provide and hold my current job for 18 years, but I had to realize the very real pain 'I' caused to the person I love when I wasn't there for her - in many areas. At some point, IMO you're going to have to bring him to some level of accountability or you will continue in this situation. I hope he wakes up for your sake and his.
Thank you, this gives me a
Submitted by lisa84 on
Thank you, this gives me a little hope my husband may come around. I'm preparing for divorce, but if he really wakes up and makes some changes, we'll see......
lisa, I also live this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Lisa, almost everything you wrote could also be my story as well. I just recently left my husband after 33 years of marriage this month. Its not a place I ever wanted to be, but it boiled down to my survival.......literally. My husband will admit he has ADHD and takes concerta when he remembers it, but nothing else. He too, is a blamer and most things are someone elses fault.
He cant understand much of what I try to explain to him even if I use the simplest of terms, which has created a huge connection problem. He can talk to almost anyone outside the family but wont discuss any of the same with me. Our marital connection is very poor, and that seems normal to him in one sense, but he doesnt like it this way either. The only physical connection has been if I approach him first or say I love you first. But, he also gets angry if I stop being affectionate. One person cant do all the lovingand the other person do all the recieving. I hate to talk with words like all, or nothing, or never, you know the extreme words. But, that is what our household is like, very extreme, and I can no longer physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually have such a lopsided marriage. Its been detrimental to my well being and I lost myself completely. Ive had very little input into our lives, since he runs everything and now weve lost almost everything we had. So, I had to tell him I , must heal and work on me, but I have to do it away from him. I cant relax or let down when Im around him, plus the stress causes me physical pain.
Now, he says he wants things to change, after I got serious about leaving, and that is hurtful also. Why did he wait so long? Im not saying you have to do what Im doing, I just wanted to let you know there are others like you, and living this.
I'm so sorry to hear that. It
Submitted by lisa84 on
I'm so sorry to hear that. It seems like many people on here have been married a lot longer than me and that must make it all the more painful. I can relate to everything you wrote and I also feel like I've lost myself over the years. That's not the effect a marriage should have. I hope you are now able to start healing and finding yourself. You deserve some peace and rest.
If your husband refuses
Submitted by attheendofmyrope on
If your husband refuses therapy or self-examination, there's really no other option than divorce, if you want to have a happy and fulfilling life.
The great thing about breaking up is that it is not a negotiation. You don't need your husband's consent in order to separate. You get to decide for yourself.
I get it
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
lisa84,
"......she didn't have to feel the guilt of hurting her spouse. Just wondering if anyone can relate."
I understand. Your whole post. And I am the non-ADHD spouse.
And I think I understood too much. What I know for sure is the reality that I live with a man who has mood swings that typically have no rhyme or reason that can be foreseen. Last weekend - it was horrible. He read something I posted here, got really angry, and he was ready to be done. He was finding a lawyer. I was finding a lawyer. Then he was fine with letting my lawyer make decisions, and he will go by whatever my lawyer comes up with as to the division of our assets. This weekend, none of the situations from last weekend have changed - and my spouse is happy, upbeat, cheerful, and by all outside appearances - happy as a clam. Maybe why he is in such a good mood is: we're on our way to be separated, no need for concern over how it gets done, just that it's getting done.
I have no clue. I was allowing it all to take over my life. Shutting down my words. Having so much anxiety/frustration/anger in response to his actions - that I. . . . . . .stopped in my tracks, and caught myself. Wait just a darn minute here. . . . . .I know this. It felt familiar. Oh yes. It was Symptom/Response/Response.
All That I have to do today - - - with my collected senses . . . . . . and attorney search narrowed down. . . .and my 2 college class finals upon me. . . . . . . .and my own joy in my scheduled Practicum Student Teaching starting in June. . . . . . . . . is only one thing. . . . .
DON'T POKE THE BEAR.
What sorta way is that to live? Craziness. One step at a lime. Letting it go. Finding the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and holding tight to the courage of being able to change the things I can. and that is Me, Liz, Myself.
Very truly,
Liz