I've just had it! H is on day whatever of not going to work. I just looked at his paycheck online for the past two weeks. 8 hours total (not like its a shock because I snooped online at his hours and that's all it was going to be even though it SHOULD be 4 days because that's how many days he left the house in the morning!) and after taxes and what they could salvage for child support payments he ended up with a whopping total of $20.08! He currently has $15 in the bank and that's it. So he is going to live on $35 for the next 2 weeks and try to explain to me why that's all he has! Not only can he not pay his share of bills or mortgage, but he can't pay any of his own student loans or credit card payments. He's digging a huge hole!
On top of all this, yesterday was my company picnic. H knew about this for weeks and kept saying how excited he was to come and how much fun it would be. I even forwarded him an email yesterday morning with the rundown of what would be going on there and he responded back with "I can't wait". I told him the night before that I was going to take the train and he can just pick me up at work at 4PM and we'll go from there. Well at 3:15 I send him a text (as a reminder in case he forgot) saying to call when he is out front. At 4:04 I get the response of "ok". You are just NOW responding ok??! He was supposed to be there by then! Then at 4:17 he texts me "Will be a few...had to go back for my wallet". Really?! I knew that was a lie. He doesn't show up until almost 5PM and I am the last one there sitting on the steps waiting on him. He tells me he just got about a mile down the road before he had to turn around and get his wallet. Okay so that should have made you about 5-10 minutes late, not an hour late! I know he was sleeping or something and then texted me at 4:04 when he woke up and then probably hopped in the shower and texted me at 4:17 as he was leaving the house. Then as we are walking towards the picnic shelter he tells me "Yeah I almost canceled on you, I just wasn't feeling the picnic...but here I am". Well goody goody! Thanks for making this picnic oh-so-fun. Now I know you really don't want to be here, but now I should kneel down and thank you several times for managing to come! And I love how he puts on this act of lovey dovey and kissing and hand holding and back scratching in front of everyone and then doesn't say a word to me on the way home and 10 minutes after we get home he goes "What is up with you?" because I'm not saying much and looking upset. What is up with ME????!!!! I am the way I am because you are being a complete jerk not going to work and lying to me and not telling me what the real problem is and now you are turning this all around on ME having the problem??
He's the master at turning his problems into my problems. Oh he feels just fine but I must have some issue because I'm stomping around the house. He'll give me reason after reason as to why he can't go in and then when I tell him to stop lying and tell me the truth, that's when he'll go ballistic saying "Okay, well my daughter hates me, my friend from high school just died and I hate my job! I am not going into that job as it's sucking the life out of me. Would you just give me some time to clear my head and figure out what I need to do"! Oh by all means! Everyone in the working world needs weeks of not going into work without pay to clear their head and it appears to be something he needs to do every few months! It was a month ago that he told me he was so happy in his new area at work and how laid back it was and how he was just so happy overall.
I woke up last night with stomach pains from being so stressed out about this. I have to talk to him about it as I keep it all bundled up inside and it's making me ill. I can't get a thing done at work because I'm too busy checking up on him or wondering what he's going to be like when I get home and just sick to my stomach. I just don't think I'm going to get a straight answer out of him. He either turns it into a game or gets outright angry that I'm upset at what he's doing!
Wake up Mapper!
Submitted by c ur self on
I just don't think I'm going to get a straight answer out of him. He either turns it into a game or gets outright angry that I'm upset at what he's doing! Oh Mapper! He doesn't have to worry about money or working...He has the best enabler in history...He has you beat down in fear, he has no problem manipulating you...He could careless what you think.
Well I'm coming home about an
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Well I'm coming home about an hour early today because I just can't function much at work and when I walk through the door I know he'll ask why I'm home early and I'm going to tell him that I can't concentrate because I'm too stressed about him not working. Oh he'll give me the sob story and tell me he's oh-so-sorry about what he's putting me through and will promise to go to work. And he will for a day or two and then revert back to this.
I hate so much about this
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I hate so much about this situation. I hate that you're going through it. I hate that I know exactly how it feels. I hate ADD.
Am I the only one who imagines a world where our husbands get up, shower, shave, get dressed and go off to put in a good days worth or work...without too much complaining...realizing that this is what has to be done in order to make your way in this world?
You didn't say, is he in jeopardy of losing his job because he's not working? Your comment "every few months"...that he seems to 'need' to figure out what he's going to do...it rings so true for my situation too. A counselor once told me not to take his "I hate my job!" comments to heart, that he was just like a pressure cooker and needed to let off steam a lot more often than others and that was just his way. All it did was add to the fear growing inside of me that he would slack off and lose his job..and we'd lose everything. I FEEL your fear. I FEEL your frustration.
There is nothing right or fair about any of this. But you can't focus on that. What you have to focus on is what YOU can do to protect yourself and distance yourself from his monthly need to be a bum and not work. Your time will be much better spent trying to figure this out rather than trying to say the right thing, do the right thing, explain things in a different/new way that MIGHT make him see the light. If anything I would tell him that not working is not acceptable, you know he's being dishonest about it, and stop being afraid to be honest with him. Of course he's going to say you're the problem, you're a snoop for checking his pay online, you've got a problem because him being an hour late (and most likely dishonest about why) shouldn't be an issue. Maybe his guilt about lying to you about why he was late was the reason he took the "I almost didn't come" jab. It was a jab. It was meant to make you feel like a burden..like he was doing you a favor. Whatever, it wasn't about you..it was about him. Let it go. Who cares? Enjoy the picnic and ignore his attempts to ruin it for you.
It is a survival thing for them, to deflect blame and distort issues. Stop taking credit for it. "sorry but that is your issue, not mine" "blame me if you want, but I know the truth and that's all that matters to me" Stop engaging. Stop allowing him to try and bury his issues under your faults. I saved a months worth of text messages, taking a screen shot each time my husband said he was leaving me, was done, was not kidding, he meant it this time, etc (all while I was at work). At the end of the month, when he'd made his 6th threat, I sent all of them to him. His initial reaction was "way to save those so you could throw it up in my face" I said "I saved them so you could not deny your behaviors. It is here in black and white. I don't care how YOU see it. Way to deflect, though" He said he didn't mean to deflect and apologized. I DO NOT care how he sees it. You need to stop letting his perspective, which is by ADD definition skewed, be your reality. You at least need to stop letting him use it as a weapon. "you're not working, I don't care what else you try and bring to the table, drag out of the closet, or how much you try and make this about ANYTHING to do with me, the simple truth is that you should be working and helping take care of your financial obligations. end of story". and be done.
you need to work very hard at not letting his poor choices render you nonfunctional. You can't allow that to happen. It TRULY helps nothing. My husband's behavior is WAY worse when I am allowing it to drag me into the pits. You cannot take a stand against him not working when you're allowing his behavior to overwhelm you to the point that you cannot work yourself. I urge you to read anything by Melody Beattie about codependency. Especially CoDependent No More. One key to resolving these issues on your own in a way that doesn't depend on him changing for real change to happen for you is for you to stop giving so much of your energy to his drama, lies, and games. I cant say it enough...I will only make him worse. The stronger you are, the stronger he will be.
Set boundaries...such as requiring that he work, and be prepared to stand behind a set consequence if he doesn't. Cut off the cable. Let him figure out how to make $35 last him two weeks. DO NOT give him money. Whatever it takes. I will keep you in my prayers. I know your pain, lady.
Quite honestly, I really don
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Quite honestly, I really don't know what it will take for him to lose his job. He hasn't called in absent or texted anybody at work since last Friday but has been putting down 8 hours unpaid time on his timesheets. He has done this before for almost an entire month and wasn't fired. I really don't understand how he gets away with this. I know he has one CAM (Corrective Action Measure) from May where he couldn't cover his time off and that sticks with him for a year. If he gets 3 in one year then he's fired. Other than that, I don't think he can be because of the union.
And you know what? He has $35 to his name and he won't think twice about spending $15 of that on a video game purchase!
I am on the verge a lot with blurting out how I feel but I don't because I just can't stand confrontation. He will immediately get angry and turn it on me and I will feel horrible and want to cry or he will turn it into a pity party for him. Or he will just lie some more.
I can make my way in this world without him. I have enough money to pay for everything every month, but with me having to pay an extra $1200 every month that he can't pay doesn't allow me to save anything. If he didn't have me he would be homeless and hungry and way, way, way in debt. I've paid for so much for him in the past 10 years I've known him. He probably owes me $50,000 but I don't ask for a penny of it. Some people get upset if you don't pay them back $5! I think he thinks with all the yard work he's doing that that is supposed to make up for his weeks of not going to work. I would rather have both of us working full time and hire a pro to do the work rather than you not going in to work and doing a not-so-awesome job that takes you 2 weeks to finish whereas a pro could have it done in 2 days!
You don't have to have conflict to pack a bag....
Submitted by c ur self on
( If he didn't have me he would be homeless and hungry and way, way, way in debt. I've paid for so much for him in the past 10 years I've known him.) I promise you he would not...But, I bet he is love with the fact you think so...Mapper please think of your mental and physical health...This load will kill you...Please go hire you a third party counselor...I would send you the money, if you would go...There are those of us who read these posts, and our hearts break for you...I've never seen so many people speak so much truth to you, and you just ignore it...This is my last post to you...I apologize if I've hurt your feelings, today or in the past...I've just been in your shoes, and until I decided I was fine alone, I wouldn't allow God to take my bitterness, and stop enabling her. If you don't get help and cut him off, this will be what you have to look forward to the rest of your life. I will continue to pray for you and for your husband....
Mother might be the key
Submitted by Standing on
For me, she was. As long as my mother was alive, I could not face my own perception that if I looked at my marriage for what it was, I would have to admit failure. She is gone now, and there is no escaping the truth.
Think about little Mapper, growing up, and how it's so important to her to please everyone. Spend enough time with little Mapper to give her a hug and tell her that she doesn't have to be afraid anymore. Sorry if this sounds corny, but I do think that getting beneath the surface of why you are where you are may be the biggest prompting to change.
He had $35 to his name
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He had $35 to his name yesterday and do you know what he spent $10 of that on? 2 video rentals! Can I cry now?!
I understand the frustration
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
I had once heard it said that everyone with ADHD needs an administrative assistant. Wouldn't we all love one?!?!?!?!? Anyway, the thing for me on the receiving end is APPRECIATION. UNDERSTANDING. Somehow, sometimes, being the helper turns into being the mother - and that is where the problem occurs. At least, that is what I had experienced. Now figuring out how to let go, and let my spouse share the burden of our financial situation is my own issue. I've held the bag for so long, I do not know how to let it go without being wounded myself.
Add is the least of his problems...
Submitted by c ur self on
(I hate ADD.) I don't know anyone who is fond of it, especially those who's lives it touches everyday. But, add is never an excuse for using others, and making excuses for your irresponsible behavior...That kind of heart goes much deeper than a Fast Mind!
I agree, to a degree. I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I agree, to a degree. I believe that if ADHD is recognized and treated in childhood then they wouldn't grow up struggling so hard to just fit in, feel normal, and be accepted. In a nutshell, the one thing my husband wants more than anything in this world is to feel loved and accepted. Sadly, his behaviors make it impossible for those who love him, who need him and depend on him to accept many of the things about him. I could accept him..as a friend. But I have 17 years of emotions invested in him. Not as easy. I do love him, just as he is...but I also love myself enough to demand better treatment...which would only come if HE invests in his own treatment. He has..sporadically. Bottom line for me is that I do feel untreated ADHD IS to blame for much of the poor choices, impulsive behaviors and poor (or non existent) coping skills...which are exactly what causes so much heartache and pain for those who love someone with ADHD. It isn't an excuse, but it is a reason. Once someone has the diagnosis they should seek treatment as vehemently as if they had cancer. If they know, but don't choose to do what it takes to manage the symptoms (which is probably another result of the untreated ADHD..denial) then that's on them.
I don't think we are to far apart with this;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree, to a degree. I believe that if ADHD is recognized and treated in childhood then they wouldn't grow up struggling so hard to just fit in, feel normal, and be accepted. In a nutshell, the one thing my husband wants more than anything in this world is to feel loved and accepted. Sadly, his behaviors make it impossible for those who love him, who need him and depend on him to accept many of the things about him. I could accept him..as a friend. But I have 17 years of emotions invested in him. Not as easy. I do love him, just as he is...but I also love myself enough to demand better treatment... I agree with this part of your statement completely...But, my statement above is based on being an adult, who daily see's the results of their actions, who hear's themselves, but, who decides add or not...to ignore the pain they are inflicting on others...
I think my husband chooses to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I think my husband chooses to ignore the pain...or deny it would probably be more like it..he inflicts as well. My main request for the past year is for him to just be kind to me. I am kind to him. He now says he cannot be kind because no one ever taught him how. His parents certainly were not nice to each other. Maybe, deep down, he really does not know how to function with peace and kindness. I am hoping to lead by example and have him like it so much he wants to follow. Been well over a year since I backed off and stopped fighting with him...and he just seems to get worse.
We can prove nothing if it is not wanted to be heard
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hi Mapper,
I just saw this quote today: "You can’t make anyone say, be, feel, think, or change anything. You don’t have that power – they do." I have great empathy for your position. I tried it all , the pleading, the being patient, the waiting, the crying, the storming, the rationalizing, the begging. Didn't work. I am still astounded that I cannot make my spouse want to hear me, or understand me, or have any sort of empathy for my position in our conflicts.
I felt guilty that my spouse had a 'freakin awful Sunday" and he believes it was my fault. I know he had a bad day. I know he needs something from me I do not have to give him. But after so many years of trying to discover what that is, I am depleted. Sometimes he makes mistakes. Sometimes he does cruel things - not on purpose, but because he is tired or depressed or angry. I see the big weight he carries on his shoulders. He seems to have forgotten how to forgive. Maybe he never knew how. I do not know for sure. I have learned to let go, forgive, move on, try something different, go to Plan B, then Plan C, etc, etc, etc. I see his desperation, and it scares me. Each night when he walks, or storms out to the RV, I have to place him in God's tender care. I have exhausted all my own emotional resources trying to be his everything. And it didn't work anyway.
It got to be such a burden to me to live under his way of thinking which goes sorta like this: there is no such thing as both sides giving a little. There MUST be a right and a wrong. And he is hell bent that HE is not wrong. Ever. He can justify anything.
I have my own little bit of denial going on. This cannot be real. tThis cannot be where our relationship has gotten. There has to be ONE MORE THING I have not tried or read or done. I cannot really be powerless to cause change.
I know I have done what I can. I cannot put out one more emotional fire. It never was my job in the first place. And for now, I have to take care of myself. The care of his emotional state of being has taken such a toll on me. I had to detach, turn him over to God's keeping, and pray for the wisdom I NEED to live in joy and happiness - even if it means our marriage really and truly will collapse. Bittersweet.
The hardest thing for me to continually fight off is his insistence that it is all my fault. Is it? Did I mess up? Am I making a mistake?
No. I am not. I must take care of me
Dear Lord, please take gentle care of my spouse. Help him. I really do hurt for him. But I can no longer hurt with him.
Common denominator
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
I have been on this forum a little over 3 years. There are a few others that have been her just as long, maybe a bit longer. I know we come here to share our frustrations, our pain, and our ever longing search for, well for something. . . . . . . . .
There HAS to be a common denominator as to how more than a couple of us have been married over 25 years, have tried everything we know, have begged our church for support, searched our own soul from top to bottom, and truly believed that marriage was forever and everything could be worked out. Only to find that tour spouse had undiagnosed or under-attended ADHD. And tour 25th Anniversary came and or went. And wisdom comes at the cost of choosing between marriage vows and some semblance of joy and peace and contentment. And as rough as it is, it hurts like heck to see our spouse in emotional pain, depression, withdrawal, and denial.
When you feel all alone in a marriage, when you realize you are invisible to your spouse, when you realize that your opinion does not matter - unless your spouse happens to agree with it, a light bulb of understanding pops on. Sooner for some of us. Later for others.
How does it happen? How do these women meet up with these men? I sure would love to know. It happens enough.
how it happens
Submitted by Standing on
Major mood swings!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I walked in the door yesterday an hour early because I couldn't concentrate at work. I was determined that I was going to say something to him, but before I could say anything he must have decided that since he knew I was upset about him not going to work that he was going to act like he was upset with me. So he basically comes out of the computer room and nonchalantly says 'Oh I thought I heard you" and walks back in there without another word to me. After 5 minutes I walk into the computer room and and I say "So what have you been up to today?" He immediately gets defensive and annoyed that I asked that. Oookaay. Forget about me saying anything about work now because if he blew his top over that he will certainly blow it over me bringing up work! If I did say anything about work you can be sure he would immediately call me insensitive because 1) his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him and 2) his friend who he hasn't seen in 30 years just died so I need to lay off of him.
He eventually chills out after I try to lighten the mood, because I can't stand having anyone mad at me even when I have every right to be mad at them! Then he starts making dinner at 4:30 and I say "It's only 4:30 you don't need to start on that yet". Apparently he never noticed what time I got home and goes "Oh did you get home early?" I say "Yeah, because I wasn't in the mood to work." He chuckles and goes "Yeah I know how THAT goes! It's so sad isn't it?" Yup...freaking hilariously sad! Then he's fine for a bit and we have decent conversations and he'll get all lovey and put his arm around me and then 2 minutes later he turns into Mr. Sarcastic and says 'Here's your dinner. If you don't like it, too bad!" and "Oh good thing you are using the straightener on your hair before bed because I'd HATE for your hair not to be perfect for that!" Then he was all lovey with the cat and petting it and then says to the cat "Get off me you fat f***!" and pushes him off and gets up.
It's really weird and kind of scary. I feel like he's okay and then he just loses it for 10 minutes and acts like he doesn't give a crap about anything or anyone.