Forum topic: I'm so close to being done

I am the non-ADHD spouse. Although my husband is decidedly not "H". He was diagnosed shortly after our eldest child was diagnosed not quite 10 years ago. They are both ADD, inattentive type. Able to hyperfocus, but unable to focus. They get along very well and speak in their own shorthand that does not require attention to complete sentences.

In a grand development, his new psychiatrist decreased his dosage of medication and he thinks she's an idiot and thus, he is SO not going to see her until another med check is absolutely positively required.

Once we were married, our romantic life took a nosedive. And when I say "once we were married" I mean, once we walked back down the aisle. I should have seen it. I didn't. And the pressure to stay married from our extended families was intense. We have discussed this issue numerous times with promises that all is good on his end! He loves me! He likes spending time with me! He enjoys my company! Awesome. Except for the fact that every action begs to differ.

I read the book. I don't nag. Rather... I haven't for years. We've been married well over 20 years and I can be taught. I know that nagging doesn't help. I also know that not nagging doesn't help either. He will get around to doing things when he gets around to doing them. But there are solitaire games to be played and Angry Birds has a new game out. He is happy to help when I start doing things myself. I don't want HELP. I want him to DO it. I want him to see the floor boards are rotting and need to be replaced. I want him to see that the weeds in the backyard are brushing the eaves of the house. I want him to take all that stuff we bought at Home Depot to make "this thing" and MAKE the thing. I'm tired of being the one that keeps track of what needs to be done. I'm tired of the one that figures out how to get it done because if I mention it again, a year later, I get the hangdog look. He looks like a whipped puppy. A shamed little boy.

His excuse is that he is tired. Yea. Ok. I get being tired. And when I was a stay at home mom, I didn't get as irritated. But I have a full time job now. I just don't think it is unreasonable to expect dinner to be started when I leave all the necessary ingredients on the counter WITH INSTRUCTIONS on what needs to be done. He sees it as informational. "Oh. I see we are having spaghetti and that meat needs to be browned, onion needs to be chopped and that tomato sauce needs to be added to the whole mess".

Then when he goes to bed three hours before I do and "forgets" to tell me goodnight? No worries. I'll get the laundry done. I'll clean up the kitchen. YOU are exhausted. I guess. I guess you've gone to bed.

When I bring these frustrations up, again I get the hangdog. I also get a promise to do better. Which lasts precisely two weeks. I won't have to clean the kitchen for two weeks. So just tell him every two weeks! THEN I'm nagging. Because he IS doing it.

I have given up on our sex life. I'm tired of initiating and being met with either "too tired" (and yes... he's been medically checked on that point. Everything is dead on normal) or it's over so damn fast that I don't know why I bothered. He's a happy camper and off to other things. I'm left wondering if having an affair just for sex is permissible under the usual rules of marriage. We don't share a bed. It started for one reason and now.... I'm just fine with it. Our different schedules (he goes to bed hours before I do, and thus is up hours before I am.... you know.... cause solitaire needs to be played and Angry Birds has been updated) allows me to read or take a leisurely shower before going to bed without bothering him.

I have gone on the offense. Let me set an example for you! So I do what HE needs to have done to feel loved, wanted, desired. As a result, I don't fill my gas tank most of the time. He fills my car with gas as a favor to me so I don't have to do that! He also makes coffee in the morning. By which I mean, he checks in the evening to see if the pot is empty and if it is, he sets it up to brew in the morning. This needs to be done about every three days. YES. He remembers to do that. But forgets to tell me goodnight.

He is well respected at work. He's looking at getting a Big Deal Promotion! He is well known, well liked and very very good at what he does. He is smart and can quickly learn new things. He frequently is thought of as having a greater knowledge than he actually does because he can learn new things so fast.

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. He thinks his ADD is under control and he is FINE. He thinks our marriage is FINE. I'm tired of being in charge. I'm the one that makes sures bills are paid. He has no idea how much the college bills are. He gets irritated when I stress about money out loud. So I don't. I "don't" do a lot of things out loud.

And this is the first time I've ever told a soul about all of this. My support system is zero. EVERYONE knows us as the Ideal Couple. Except that I'm rather a grump and am prone to being a real bitch. He, naturally, is a great guy and is the life of the party. If you want to have fun, call my husband. I OFTEN feel that I am invited because it's just rude to only invite him. I know he will get our friends in a divorce. I'm fairly certain he'll get my family too. Because you know how I'm always so hard on him and need to lighten up already. So if we were to divorce it would be MY fault and my unreasonable expectations. Of course.... to divorce would be near enough on it's own for disowning. If I were to pull the plug, I do so knowing I will be on my own completely. I just have to decide if being alone on my own is better or worse than being alone and married.

I don't think I have a question. Maybe I do in there somewhere.

I'm just tired.....