Hi everyone! I just made an account on this website and I wanted to introduce myself. I am a newlywed (married for almost a year), legally blind, 980 HD, 21-year-old woman. I am also a student pursuing my degree in social work. I came on here for two reasons; first, to let you all know that you are not alone. My husband suffers from ADHD, and we are currently trying to navigate those challenges. I can empathize with both sides; with the non-80 HD spouse, the anger, depression, frustration, hopelessness, self hatred, and hatred for your partner. With the ADHD spouse; things I hear from my husband about having ADHD and the many challenges you face. I also came on here to know that I am not alone; to look at all the challenges you go through and to take ideas and advice from that.
I just took the “ADHD affect in depth“ Seminar, and I’m definitely taking from that. To all who are struggling, I would definitely recommend doing that. The Seminar is wonderful at providing ideas, along with much needed help!
Please know two things; you are not alone, and your love is worth fighting for!
Welcome Ashley....
Submitted by c ur self on
I love your youthful positive outlook;)....As you and your husband's lives unfold, you will need that exuberance and positive outlook....I will leave with a few simple tips (reminders) to help you on your journey....
1) (There is no ability with in one human to change another human) So remember that your life is important, your life is not your spouses life....You will both need to accept each other, no matter how great the differences are...
2) Stress and anxiety is mostly built with in one spouse when they refuse to accept the reality of the other...(Wants to change them)....
3) Because of these huge differences you will both need to agree on boundaries to protect each other from one another....Because if you have big differences in time management, organization, financial management, and many other life management skills and you do not set (agree on) boundaries, you will have trouble avoiding conflict...The things you may feel as intrusive, (or him) usually gets pointed out, and pointed out, until they become sore spots....So start with acceptance and boundaries, and you can avoid much chaos, pain and dysfunction....We must never lose respect for each other's rights...
4) Always remember the golden rule when it comes to what constitutes the need for boundaries....**Justification** When one spouse claims their right to live a certain way "Say's it right for them" But it's unacceptable for you "You would never live that way"....Then acceptance and boundaries can be put in place most of the time to reduce the intrusiveness on one another....
Yes our love is worth fighting for!! But, we must fight smart, you and your spouse can never think for one another!
Best wishes
c
Hello! Unfortunately, we have
Submitted by ashley benson on
Same here....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was just like you....We had the fights also....Most here did or does....I just told you what I wished someone had told me in the beginning....
A good counselor can help as long as denial isn't in the picture (for either of you)....We have to be humbled and want help...Counselors aren't referee's...
I absolutely loved the point
Submitted by ashley benson on
I absolutely loved the point Melissa made about how you cannot fix your spouse, only yourself. For me, I need to work on my anger, contempt, and criticism.I also love what she has said about the fact that you may not end up with your spouse, but you will always end up with yourself.
Also maintain separate bank accounts
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
For your sanity maintain an account to which your husband does not have access. Write down how each of you will contribute financially to maintaining your joint efforts. Sign it; save it.
We already do have separate
Submitted by ashley benson on
We already do have separate bank accounts. I plan to keep it that way, at least for a while.
You should always keep bank
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
You should always keep bank accounts separate, whether your spouse/partner has ADHD or not. I learned that lesson with my ex husband controlling every penny I spent.
My BF and I have agreed that if we were to marry, we would keep separate accounts, and contribute a percentage of our paychecks to an account that the bills would be paid out of. The percentage each of us deposit into the account would be based on how much we make. (If he makes twice what I do, I cannot be expected to pay 50% of the bills.)
c, good post
Submitted by jennalemone on
You have condensed this very well here. Especially #4:
Always remember the golden rule when it comes to what constitutes the need for boundaries....**Justification** When one spouse claims their right to live a certain way "Say's it right for them" But it's unacceptable for you "You would never live that way"....Then acceptance and boundaries can be put in place most of the time to reduce the intrusiveness on one another....
This is the part that is so vital in my relationship.... learning to exist more independently with boundaries. I am reading the book, "Boundaries" right now. I will see if there are some concrete steps in changing the mindset away from total cooperation into a little more "defense with boundaries".
It takes faith to stand alone in the midst of heartbreak and loneliness. It takes self confidence to face loneliness for anyone. I had been faith-filled for the majority of my life. At this age I am surprised to find myself existentially perplexed. The only thing I am sure of is that we need good people in our lives. The sharing of life is where I have found the most happiness and confidence. We ARE the people we choose to be with. Right now, a truth I know is to choose my friends wisely and have boundaries with those who I cannot trust or respect.
Jenna you have identified the main problem....
Submitted by c ur self on
(The sharing of life is where I have found the most happiness and confidence.)
Why? Because we were created in the image of God, we were created to be in fellowship w/ one another...Deep abiding contentment comes in our "Healthy" relationships...But, when we attempt to find this contentment (happiness) in a one sided relationship we suffer...We must recognize a person who isn't capable (can't give of themselves; selfish, life must be their way, no faith to guide and mold them) of being in a healthy relationship....So we recognize the limited possibilities, and set boundaries to protect and remind us what is possible....It's not idea, but, it's the only way to have a peaceful existence living in the same space with someone who is so different....
Blessings Jenna
c