Since I have gotten great advice from here before, I hope that someone will also comment on this. This is partially a continuation of the topic about my boyfriend playing a martyr. I had some time to think and observe and would like to hear your feedback on some additional problems.
The more I am together with my boyfriend, the more it seems to me that he is not fully committed. It is this weird combination of being caring and not really fully present in the relationship. What do I mean by this?
Well, for instance we are taking a trip with our friends and my boyfriend misses his flight (we did not take the same flight). He lets our friend (organizer) know about his delay, but he never contacts me. He is surprised when I then feel hurt that he never considered it necessary to talk to me personally. His opinion was that, I will find out anyways from our friend.
He goes to work trip (for one month). I have to convince him to talk to me on skype. He lets me know how meeting at an exact time is a drag for him and how he would like to do this once a week or once in two weeks. He calls me needy when I want to meet more often.
He goes to the store and when I ask him to bring something for me- he protest that, he needs to go to the store all the time (he does not). I start negotiating with him to get my stuff from the store.
We are talking about the future and my partner keeps giving me unclear answers as to when and where he wants to have a family. He has his conditions (interesting job, good salary, social network) which are currently not all fulfilled. He says that before those things are fulfilled, he is not willing to have kids. However, he is not doing anything to change the situation and it seems to me as if he is expecting me to make a change for him and somehow grant him all these benefits, because it is my interest to have children.
Does this behavior have something to do with adhd? What can I do, I assume it is not normal behavior? I am so confused because he really occilates between being super-caring and then making a big scene about something which I want. One other example- the other day I was feeling sad about something and then I told my boyfriend about a personal weakness that I have and which I have to address. I in the end asked him for some comforting and my boyfriend got angry, because I am violating his borders (his words). His translation of the situation was- I messed up and then I need someone else to take care of my feelings. I do not understand if these things are really over the top. These are the similar kind of things which, when my boyfriend does those, he considers to be big favors. So I am a little bit confused here.
From my perspective it seems that he makes a big deal out of things, that one would do anyways in the relationship. For instance I ask him every time I go to the store if I should bring him something (usually he says no, which later gives him in his eyes a chance to say that I never bring him something). The same thing about listening- I listen to him, but I sometimes tend to overreact- in situations where he tells me how he has no money at the end of the month to pay rent for instance. Whenever he complains about having to listen to me- he tells me that he does not even dare to say things to me, because I am so judgemental- so again I am taking advantage of him.
The bottom line, I am feeling less and less eager to ask him about anything at all, because I feel he either tells me how this is a big favor or he tells me how my request is violating his borders.
Thank you in advance for responding!
Run!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Run!
He is not a partner.
He is not for you.
Run
Waldewin To Answer Some of Your Questions
Submitted by kellyj on
I think what OW said might be true in one aspect...but I disagree with her the part about not being a partner? I won't tell you what to do either but I can't say whether running away is a good option either?
I will say this however to start. All of this is related to ADHD and especially the parts about him being unsure or on the fence and not fully committing? Without going into a long winded explanation....I can see myself at times in your boyfriend in the past and tell you what I think I see based on myself?
This thing you keep seeing or when he says he needs to have all these things set up ahead of time...or a least of demands ( as it appears ) is coming from ambivalence more than anything else? Two competing things.....that he wants that are incongruent with his feelings about the future and the plans that you have wanted to make with him but MOST important....having children together.
Children...or having children together with a person with ADHD....is something to really consider here? If it were me...with you...back at a time when I was in my 20's...was in effect right where I was and I can say a few things now....that I could not say before?
I don't have children and that was more to do with timing....life changing events..and things not working and when I say things that don't work...I mean physically speaking? When I first got married right at age 30.....I had it in my mind from everything I was taught....that to get married meant having children and I had this thinking in my mind that said this was not an option? I had no biological clock going off at all in terms of children or raising a family...but mainly what I was most concerned with....was simply getting it all together....so to speak...just so I could have them which again....I felt as if I wasn't ready and mainly......not for selfish reasons...but in my thinking of my future responsibilities in having them and I had decided in my mind...that I was not ready to do this properly but again....I was ready to be married, I was ready to be a good partner and I was ready and willing to be committed.....except.....when it came to having children? I knew I was not ready for that...and I knew if I had children...it would be problem even if I didn't know exactly why that was? I'm saying......I KNEW IT...but I didn't say it? And the reason why I didn't say it...was because I felt as if....it was a requirement to be married and I had no other options?
So....I wanted one thing...and I wasn't ready for the other...but I can't have one without the other so...I wanted to married more than not being married and that was it? That was as far as my thinking went? And so now....here I am getting married at the insistence of my first wife even though I wasn't really ready...but an ultimatum was thrown down and now I have to make a choice? Lose this person forever.....or go against what my feeling my intuition was telling me..and so...I chose to go with the person and marry her but somewhat...against my will?
And so now...here I am married and everything was fine for a short while..and then all of a sudden....my ex wife says....she wants children and she wants them NOW!!! And me going "Uh Oh??" Now what? I wasn't ready and I knew it? I knew it but I didn't know exactly why? So I went against my better judgment again to apiece what I felt I had no choice or say in and we tried to have children?
This is what I can say now looking back and fill in for you a little more? If I were to have childeren...rigtht now at age 59....I would make a great father in every respect? I have everything I need to poses in my own abilities and knowledge to be a fantastic father in fact...the one thing every woman I was with would say or even ones I wasn't with intimately say I would make such a great father in respect to my ability to relate well and connect with kids which I have always had with couching, and teaching in different aspects and in those areas of recreation and connection...I had that down pat. To the point...this was what these women saw. As far as being the Dad...I never had....I would have had that in spades and more to around with any kid whether they were mine or not? I Love kids...and kids.....have always Loved me? In that respect....I would have made a great father to any kid I had and there is no questioning that for a second in everyway?
But at the time...I had that part without question....the part I wasn't ready for was all that responsibility when all I was really focused in at the time was just getting my own shit together and that was much more pressing...than adding more on top of it? I also had my own business and that would have been a disaster? This is what I felt...but was not able to put into the front of my mind and know exactly why I felt this way and of course with me....I had no idea I had ADHD at the time?
So as it turned out....my wife at the time...had something wrong downstairs and was not getting pregnant after a year or trying? And that's when I spoke up and said..." You know....I think this is a blessing in disguise?" Next thing you know.....my ex wife is running away with some other guy and leaving me standing there dumbfounded? Apparently....I was right in the way I felt? Getting married means having children and if you don't want to have children....then that's all I was good for? A sperm doner you might say?
So when I met my next wife....I made sure I met someone who didn't want any children but that in itself I have come to find especially with a woman...came with some reasons for this that were not all so clear to me at the time? but during the course of our marriage and time together.....I decided to take care of this and make the decision final...and got snipped so there would be no accidental children...and I had complete control of the situation with my ex's approval and that was the smartest and wisest decision I have ever made.
So if I were to put this to you in my own terms or ....on my own terms.....this is how I could see this completely differently? If...I had stayed ( or was given the choice ) to be with my first wife...I would have spelled this out clearly to her right from the start? I would have said....I am not ready to have children yet...and I don;t know when that will be? I know it won;t be right away...in fact...it may not be until we are older like in our late 30's or 40's. Thinking early 40's would be about right?
And I would be right on the money if I had said that. I was NOT READY..to have children....until I was 40....but...at that time...I would have ready, willing and completely competent enough to handle it well and be the father I would have wanted to be? I never lead my first wife on about children...but the fact that she didn't talk to me about it or really spoke to me before hand about having a family at all....lead me to believe that maybe...she didn't want any...but that was just wishful thinking on my part...and kind of naive since we didn't talk about it...I was actually hoping at the time...that she didn't? Silly me in that case....but that still doesn't resolve the fact...that A) I wasn't ready and didn't want any at the time B) I can now say this is presumptuous on both our parts since plenty of people don;t have or want children and having children or assuming this on either party is both presumptuous and not even a requirement?
I think it is more common for men...to be in a kind of in between state of decision when it comes to having kids more often...but not all. Some men are chomping at the bit to raise a family...and some like me....are simply not? And some people don't want children at all....so it is presumptuous of woman because they have this bilogical need or clock to assume...that men are that way too because they simply are not. I never had any burning desire...and still to this day don't? If you were going to wait for me to have this burning need....you'd be waiting until the end of time and that would never happen?
So for me.....I am so fine with not having children...I can tell you how fine am not having any? Like perfectly fine and quite happy that I didn't? But that doesn't say anything about the fact that if I did have childeren...that I wouldn't have made a great father which I know I would have...as long as I waited until I was ready and that for sure for sure now in retrospect...had to do with the fact that I had some catching up to do at age 29 or 30...and I was DEFINITELY not ready then....and I knew it without shadow of a doubt...but I wanted what I thought I couldn't have...and so I took what I could get and went against my very being by betraying myself like that except...in my case and thanking my lucky stars....my first wife who was really not ready either was flighty as hell ( obviously ) was not using her head either...and was less responsible than I was...obviously? Actually my feelings about why I wasn't ready....was due to me actually trying to wanting to do the right thing..but feeling trapped and cornered and like I had no other choice but to say yes against my will?
At least in my case....it feels like I had a fairy Godmother looking out for me from up above at least...but as it worked out...it worked out for the better in my favor and I am thankful that it did or it would have been a bad situation indeed?
So ...if you take OW's advise...and put it to the side for a moment and not considering the problems unrelated to children and a family aside as well? If that were me siting there and now with you? This is what I was say to you which would be both accurate and fair in how I felt about this back then?
Lets pretend I'm not in denial like I am now...so from this place...this is what I would say "Waldewin...I Love you with all my heart....but I am not ready to have children right now. I'm not saying never...but I have some things to take care of before I can fully commit to being a good father and mainly....they are all in the areas of my struggles with ADHD? You've seen these yourself as you have commented on them...but I have to be honest with you...have some major concerns and fears about my abilities and I really think they are valid? I do not want to lose you since you are the Love of my life....but I have to be fair in telling you...I'm afraid of our future if I don't take care of these things first and it's not fair to you if I don't do that and be honest up front? These things that I am so insistant on....are things I need for the present...to keep me in balance since I haven't yet found a way to deal with things otherwise? If you are willing to work with me..and be my partner with my struggle...I can commit to that with all my heart and not let you down? But I understand what I am asking or you..and I understand the extra work and effort this will require....but if I am the man that you cannot live without..and I mean that sincerely...then I will be that man for you without reservation but....if you need to have a family right away...and I understand this need of yours even if I don;t have it myself...then I think it's better you find someone else to settle down with...who can meet your needs since I am not that person for you and I can commit to that? In fact...I don;t want children right now...and that is not the foundation of the kind of marriage I want for myself and I have to be truthful in telling you this...even if it means losing you forever??
Or something along that order? That would be honest...if that was me standing in front of you and telling you what I want and need from you and how I saw getting married...since children WERE NOT.......my main concern or priority AT ALL. done deal.
I was so in Love at the time when I first got married...I had the Love Conquers All mentality...and this is not realistic and certainly not fair? I wasn't trying to deceive anyone...but at the same time...the idea or notions that children automatically come with getting married ( and I would not assume that on your part as a woman thinking about how a man thinks ) because in essence to that kind of thinking.....it nothing more than a trap for a man...which will only lead to a lifetime or resentment...if there is no choice or no options available and it's either yes or no....black and white....no other choices? Which of course....is not true in reality either? More and more couples are deciding not to have kids all the time for the reason of finances and quality of like...which is real consideration for the future and making a good decision based on facts...instead of wishful thinking? Wishful or magical thinking...is the road to failure no matter what?
I would apply everything I just said...and have a heart to heart conversation with your boyfriend...and see what he says? That might tell you...or he might tell you given that opportunity...to tell you what he really thinks and then you will know instead of guessing...what this is all about and what he might not be saying to you? ( clamming up??? :O LOL
But telling you just to run away...is running away or going away behavior and I can pretty much tell you that this is not good advise or a good approach no matter what? Are you going towards something? Or are you going away from it? If the answer to those questions is the latter...then this is not the way to go?
J
Dear Jamieson,
Submitted by waldewin on
Dear Jamieson,
Thanks for a very through answer.
I fully understand my boyfriend’s fear and his wish that he would feel secure when we will have a family. He has told me himself that, he is in fact scared shitless. Now, but there is a big but.
He is currently entering to a very insecure career. He says this is his dream and he does not want to give it up. OK, again, I understand. However, his career meant that he was unemployed for 8 months last year. It is a highly competitive career and I have my own doubts about his ability to succeed there. Since my parent is in this line of work as well (a highly self-disciplined and ambitious person) I also know a bit about this career (I have seen my parent and her colleagues struggle for over twenty years). I feel my boyfriend has a very naïve view of this industry. I have told him that (not in these words), but I have warned him that he needs to be doing more than he currently is, if he ever wants to continue there. Thereby my boyfriend called me neurotic and maniac. He does not trust my evaluation of this line of industry and lives with, what I feel, are rose-tinted glasses. Almost everybody I know from this field is an overly ambitious high-achiever, but my boyfriend somehow does not see this.
So about the family- he tells me we need an apartment, himself fully knowing that he is not going to able to save any money for it. So he hopes that I will change my job or my professional career altogether, so that I can earn more money. This is his solution.
The only compromise he is willing to do (and he calls this a favor to me) is moving to his homecountry, next to his friends and starting a stable job there. He tells me that this would be enormous sacrifice for him, because he would be giving up his dream career. There is no talk about what I will be sacrificing (current social networks, having to learn a new language etc etc). since this is me who wants a family.
OK, enough with this topic. Now to more mundane topics.
I have stopped asking him for something. I usually do not call him anymore, because in the past he made a big scene about me interrupting him with my calls. I also am not approaching him during the evening anymore, because he often times accused me of being too needy for attention. So currently, most of our communication happens when he approaches me. I also feel that I cannot approach him with asking for something which I want, because then he will give me a lecture on how I am violating his borders.
So it is not that he is not doing anything. He does. He does many things at home, for me etc. But he does those when he feels like and when he wants. I feel he is allergic to all my expectations and demands. Me asking him to do something usually ends with an argument. Maybe it is how I do this, I have no idea. I already mentioned the favor doing part. He never fails to mention later what he did and how this is a favor.
So I think for me the problem is, I do not feel that this is a relationship where we are moving and functioning together. To me it seems that more often he just declares his demands and wants. When I do the same- I am violating his borders.
I Hear a Few Things I Recognize Waldewin
Submitted by kellyj on
It's really hard to tell exactly what is going on with your boyfriend but if I use myself and some things I recognize in what you said....this may help give you some clues ( to look up yourself and see if it fits what you are saying )
The things I hear you say was:
lecturing
Maybe it is how I do this
wishful thinking ( or magical thinking ) on his part and being a little naive which kind of go hand in hand?
What you said about being insecure or unsure ( either way ) is probably true? I've got a little confused myself at times when I would read things here and was not sure what others were trying to describe? The big one for me was trying to determine the difference or "labels" being used to describe things and which one is ADHD...and which one is something else?
I have a tendency....to go on and on in a conversation and repeat myself or repeat the thing I said to make sure it is understood but mostly ....I've found that this is just part of the impulsive nature or having ADHD when I talk and not having very good brakes you might say? Here....I am trying to say things that involve a lot of different topics and trying to say them to people I don't even know? I don't know what you all know.....so I don't assume you do? From that place....it may feel like I am lecturing but....I am trying to pass on information in an informative way which could be seen as "teaching" ( or lecturing ) but....that is my intention but I am very verbose you might say anyway? LOL So for me....the main issue I have is my verbose style of saying anything ( I use a lot of words ) lol This is a tough one to overcome since it literally is a style of speaking and I haven't really spent any time trying to learn a different style ( as a whole ) My T pulled out a book one time with my wife and I together...and showed me ( and us ) this style in literary form so I know it is a style.....but I don't have a new one to replace it?
But what you said in context to referencing sounds a lot like what my wife does which I'm not calling lecturing ( or teaching me anything? ) She is compelled at times to "chastise me" or beat me over the head with what I already now? This is her literally.....runing back over everything I did ( as if I don't know what I just did since I was the one doing it in the room at the time LOL ) and making me sit through her run down the laundry list ....play by play....blow by blow....like a running commentary by a sports caster. LOL
"And then...you did this...and after that you did this....then after that you did this and this and this....and then...you did this" Like as if....I don't know those things? But that is not the point in doing this for her? What this is ...is brow beating....not lecturing....in a sense.....it is just venting with you in the room with her!!! LOL And I finally got confirmation from her the other day so now I do now exactly what this is at least for her?
I told her ( and have told her repeatedly ) that....if she needs to vent ( or for that matter anyone in this case ). As a rule.....it's probably a better idea to vent....to someone else....other than to the person you are venting about? LOL As a rule at least just to start?LOL And she would look at me kind of puzzled like she didn't understand what I was talking about which my first clue right off the bat!!! LOL
But it just kept happening so I'm going.....she can't help it...she HAS to do this??? But this constant venting and brow beating and "play by play" commentary...was really getting old fast and it was just outpouring pure negativity and just spewing it everywhere!! lol Not good. Not good at all!! lol Like a steady stream of "stuff" ( or shit ) just spewing in an endless stream and there was no stopping her once she started. The difference in what I see in lecturing might be easier said by the fact....that nothing she said I had not heard before ( like 500 times ) so none of this was new information? In the ridiculous?
I may be wordy...and I may lecture at times ( as in teaching ) but mostly....I'm just relaying NEW information that I have never said before to my wife? All of it is new information but done in a very verbose way which I know can off across as lecturing but that is a different thing entirely?
But what you are saying directly to the same point I am making here...I also feel that I cannot approach him with asking for something which I want, because then he will give me a lecture on how I am violating his borders. If I am correct here in taking the word lecturing and changing it to the same thing I think this sounds like.....it ain't lecturing ( or teaching you anything ) it's "chastising" or beating you over the head with it...as a means to prevent you from doing this again...which is really not intentional with awareness....but actually just venting his frustrations and anger over his boundaries being violated? As defined: chastising...is a "repremand."...with a beating. LOL It isn't designed to "teach you" anything and is more of a punishment for violating his boundaries without actually saying so...or telling you WHAT is boundaries are which there is no way for you to know in advance...unless he were to have told them to you but there is more here than meets the eye?
I get the sense.....that your boyfriend is in denial about a lot of things he does or why he does them? And in fact....I can predict with what little you said....the reason he "needs" these things and is convinced he "has to have them " exactly like he says ( or thinks he does lol )....is in a effort to manage his ADHD symptoms which many are probably mal adaptive strategies learned throughout his lifetime? He doesn't know it.....but yet.......it is!!! LOL That's the denial right there?
And since he doesn't realize this...and since he's found that these work for him and then went...."I need them". In reality...he doesn't really "need" them.....they are "wants"...or..."would like to haves"...as in "preference" which could be related to a pet peeve? Pet peeves are just irritating to you ( and only you but no one else ) aside from only the other people who share the same pet peeve?
But if you don"t realize this....and think everyone has the same pet peeves as you.....or for someone with ADHD thinking everyone else is just like me and my irritations and annoyances are the same as everyone else? Let's do the math here for a moment? If you've got 100 people all sitting in a room together....and 5 or them are having a problem with air conditioning system saying it's too hot at 68 degrees and they want the temperature lowered to an acceptable 40 degrees for them to meet their comfort level.....how do you think the other 95 people would respond to this? LOL
Further saying....now....these 5 people are all up in arms and start venting and chastising the other people in the room by brow beating them to death in an effort to get them to lower the temp to 40 degrees because us 5 agree it's too warm? How to you think the other 95 people in the room would respond to this? LOL And everyday they walk into the same room with the same people...and do this everyday endlessly....in respect to "their boundaries" being that 40 degrees is perfect.....and 68 degrees is way to hot!!!!
Are they saying anything that the other 95 haven't already heard? ( every single day? ) Are the other 95 people going to lower the temperature to 40 degrees ( like...are you insane???? LOL ) which would be completely unacceptable range of temperature to live in on a daily basis ...indoors for almost any human being on the planet ( except for them that is lol ) unless they come dressed in down outer wear which would be really stupid ( and just as ridiculous as their request ) which is not even a reasonable consideration here for you as being one of the 95 people in the room with everyone else?
But....these 5 people....have no idea or no concept....that what they are asking for is unreasonable? They have no concept that 40 degrees is way too cold for other people and....they feel entitled to have the temperature to 40 degrees since this feels comfortable for them so why should I not be comfortable....and have no clue what is going on in this situation because everyone else is going " yeah right...is that a joke or are you serious? " "What? You are serious???? Well.....good luck with that one. You need to get over it because 68 degrees is the government standard and this room is 68 degrees and we feel just fine with that? And by the way.....quit your belly aching and complaining you big wieners.....it's really getting old?"
So in this example......who's boundaries are being violated here? The 95 people....or the 5 people? Actually it really is the 5 but the problem is....they don't realize that their "need" is a "want" but they don't know why they want it like this? All they know is that they really uncomfortably HOT...and are compelled to chastise and blame everyone else for ( their problem ) since it is their problem...not the other 95 people who are getting vented on and brow beaten from them because for them....it is a boundary of sorts ( or preferred comfort range of temperature ) and ....they've got a pet peeve with those who like it 68 degrees....unfortunately only 5 out of 100 people has this temperature regulation problem and are too hot at 68 degrees....but they have no idea what they are wanting or asking of everyone else, don't know why everyone is looking at them funny ( at their request ) don't realize they are the ones being unreasonable...and can't figure out why no one with just turn the temperature down to 40 like they want so they will be comfortable? And on top of it......they have a pet peeve with everyone who likes it 68 degrees? LOL
You can see the problem here with this can't you? He's got things ass backwards...and doesn't;t even realize it? It's called denial and that is really the issue....not his boundaries if you can see it from this perspective if I am correct in seeing what I'm seeing? It is what I run into with my wife and like I said...I finally got confirmation just the other day?
As I was bring this up very gently with her....as she always starts out saying "I'd like to talk to you about something" OH BOY!!! I know what that one means now!!!! LOL
So I said sure...but is this going to be anything you've already told me before? ( predicting this ahead of time? ) And she said..."Well yes...." So I said "then why do I need to hear it? How will this serve me to hear it again and what will I be able to do with that? Just sit and listen to you say the same thing again? Why? What purpose does this serve me to hear it again?
And she sat their and stymied for a moment...and said " What what I am going to do with it then?" AH HA!!!!! The million dollar question finally emerged!!!!! "Yes....what are YOU going to do with that?"
And I left her right there to think that.... but I declined her offer to "talk" none the less? LOL
J
You already know the answer
Submitted by adhd32 on
he is not doing anything to change the situation and it seems to me as if he is expecting me to make a change for him and somehow grant him all these benefits
He will always expect this, with or without children. With or without a job. With or without being married. Most of us long marrieds could go on and on. If you feel there is any advantage to living the rest of your life with someone like this try detaching and not taking his actions personally. Concentrate on yourself and make yourself happy. If it isn't on his radar, it doesn't exist (including you). If it isn't happening right now it isn't happening (procrastination and tardiness). If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Should you settle? That is a question only you can answer. For some of us, staying married was our only choice and we found some ways to deal with our spouses. I do not know how much change you could expect though, I have found that things change for a while and slowly slip back into the old habits where ADDers are comfortable.
I have compromised my entire married life to accommodate H and his ADD. You tend to pick up the slack rather than have a resentful discussion about chores. The problem is that after 30+ years of yielding and bending I no longer care. I learned long ago that he was unreliable and stopped asking him to go to the store or pick up the kids. I refuse to congratulate him for doing the day to day things adults do like emptying the dishwasher nor do I expect a parade for filling it up. A change in your behavior/expectations could bring about a change in your relationship but try to be realistic.
He can't give you what he doesn't have. If you want to stay together you have to accept that his basic behavior will never change. If you want to have a family with him, be prepared to do the lion's share of the work at home while you also go to work. Drop off and pick up on you. Teachers conferences, clothes and school supplies, on you. Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and paying bills if you want to make sure you have a place to live are all on you. Babies grow up and life is really exhausting and such a blur. Take a breath and consider all your options.
ADHD32 I Wonder?
Submitted by kellyj on
I wonder if there is a way to put what you said into the context of ADHD sub type categories? Hyperactive predominantly? Inattentive predominantly? Or combined type?
I've had a terribel time really trying to pin point myself ...but I've kind of come to some conclusions here which might help segment what you said out and not make this about all those who have ADHD even though from the sound of it ( in comparing my wife and I side by side ) I think I can do this better....but also saying....I think you are right based on the past being the best predictor of the future with a caveat...and this is what I think might be the case with me for example?
I was definitely....hyperactive as a child. More energy to go around and then some and could never sit still. I did not have set patterns or routines and like variety in every thing all the time! But I was and am highly productive by nature and an extrovert for the most part...but especially before I was diagnosed and treated? So to say I was inconsistent is only part of the story? Unpredictable is a far better description? And it changed...and it changed and it changed again. And kept on changing and never stopped changing? If there is a pattern in my past which was really apparent? It was change!!! And there was always improvement. Steady improvement in everything along with it which said differently...is change. In extroverted over the top kind of way?
After I was diagnosed and when on medication...I actually shifted from being more extroverted to being almost more introverted but really just splitting the difference and being both? So on medication....I am more combined now. But before....I was all show and all go and I was unstoppable in changing.....as my pattern? Nothing was settled in other words with no routines...no rigid structures, no addictions, nothing set in stone, no real obsessions other than....never doing the same thing twice in the same way? No same food, No same routines, no same no same in anything ( except being absolutely loyal and faithful ) and never changing in that either. No cheating in other words and this was not a problem for me either even when I was unhappy? Life was no "Ground Hog Day" for me and that is an understatement? But this really points to the fact that I was Hyperactive? Kind of goes to show if you think about it? High energy. High octane. High productivity....never a dull moment? Lots of activities....lots of variety....lots of different things all of the time...and always something new and plenty of excitement? Plenty of excitement...and then some!!! LOL Never a dull moment...is the key here with my past? Which was both fun and exciting for the people with me...and an annoying and irritating as well? Both for them....but no children of course? I was and for the most part still am.....Chairman of the Board...when it comes to activities and adventure or anything exciting but.......not so much any more? I lost the drive to be that way once I went on medication and this seemed to do a great job at bringing me to the middle between the two?
So as you described this in your own words....what I heard was ....."having to settle" And you went on to list some common complaints (which are valid ) but here's a couple of things I picked out which are different for me and I mean...in my life pattern not just after I was medicated and diagnosed?
Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and paying bills if you want to make sure you have a place to live are all on you.
Okay....so here's where I am different and I am trying to place this in connection to what I just said? The only thing on this list.....that I am and was poor in doing....is cleaning? I had before my catastrophic relationship ( and getting ripped off ) a perfect credit record? Like 800+.....until that event happened to me? You can't get much better than as perfect score can you?
And I did..and still do...all the grocery shopping and cooking. Always have...on my own even when I was in a relationship?
And for the first time in my life.....I always did my own laundry but...I was pretty bad about hanging them up...but my clothes were always cleaned by me? Or ironed if needed. By me?
And since I did and still do all the cooking....the dishes are not perfect in respect to a perfectly clean counter...but they are not put off very long if much at all and I end up keeping the kitchen pretty clean in fact.....the kitchen...is more my space.....than anyone else's ( my domain ) so I keep an eye on it better than other rooms in the house?
So alls said and done......the only one missing in that list is cleaning which I admit....cleaning as in "clutter" especially....was the problem mostly but less now and even to the point of getting those habits down too? But that was only ONE thing on the list you gave....that I really faltered in? All those others things....I did / do....well and to the point of almost being spotless as far as my past record goes? Except that one?
But I didn't have children...and all those other duties? ( thankfully )
And I think I have said this before but I will say again here? If I try and do too many things at once...all at the same time....I find a do a poor job and at everything...instead of doing a perfect job on a few or less? As long as I stay within my means.....I can and have been perfect...or perfectly acceptable without a problem? Better than some in fact if you were to make a comparison? And I am pretty good with on the spot requests unless I am buried with to much to do as well? Very adaptable...very changeable...and self reliant for evey thing and the opposite of dependent....going the other way to very independent...and doing all of this pretty effortlessly any time I need to adapt and adjust? I am a Chameleon if you put this into context and can change hats if needed ( on a dime in fact )...and change rather quickly and adjust if needed? My list of demands are low...and my list of requirements are even lower in terms of anyone else so I not only do not make demands....I don't have many except for a few? But those few are ones that really have to be negotiated....but I will negotiate and that is true too?
The one thing you did say that does not apply to me so I might say this is not true...but only in reference to this "type" I am thinking? For me...there is only one direction. Forward. There is no going back wards...even if forward is a stair step motions with a little back and forth. Two steps forward....one step back. That is absolutely my pattern...and there is no such thing as ever going back wards to where I was ever in my life..even if I take a hit...and get put back by some external force?
And still I have ADHD ....but heavy on the (H) part?
But what you said would still apply to me which is why I brought this up? If you look at my past track record....what I said it true? The best predictor of the future is the past as they say? So what is the operant word here for my past? "Change"...and things never staying exactly the same? And I am kind of the antithesis....of what might be called "anal retentive" in Freudian terms? And am not very picky? Not at all in fact..and I go with the flow and keep on going no matter what new curve ball is thrown at me...which again..is just part of the pattern?
So one would or could surmise in theory at least...is you take my pattern and compare? I wonder if the other pattern.....belongs to "Inattentive Types"...along with being more "introverted" less outgoing..and more rooted in not changing and being more stubbornly resistant to change?\
I don't know this either? I am just speculating based on myself and the differences here? I am thinking along these lines for my wife as well....which appear to be just the opposite of me...but still thinking she has ADHD and entertaining this as the differences in what I am seeing?
And if this is correct in what I am saying? Then there is a VAST difference between these two categories? VAST VAST difference? Like night and day difference...with only some over lap in some areas....but not in the others at all? Food for thought at least..and something to throw out there? For what that's worth to you or anyone else reading this?
J