Forum topic: Is it a problem?

Mon Feb 4th, 2013 - 6:27pm by Mr New Hope

Forum: 
Communication with ADHD

"If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact - not to be solved, but to be coped with over time."

- Shimon Peres (1923 - ), 9th President of the State of Israel

This statement really rang true for me. Men in general are problem solvers. We want to fix. Sometimes there is no solution because there is no problem. Gravity can be perceived as a problem but it is actually a fact that is valued and depended upon. Modern science has allowed us to cope with it over time. I have come to view ADD the same way. Your spouses different way of thinking, being labeled as ADD, is a fact as firm as gravity. It is not to be solved but instead coped with and in many cases valued and depended upon. Color blindness is considered a deficiency in sight and yet it is the color blind person that can see through the camouflage. Have you ever noticed that the ADD Spouse can look at a drawer full of disorganized junk and find the the exact tool or part they needed. They live with that every day so to them that is nothing exceptional. I find that amazing. Like a super power. We must remember they are coping with our world as we are to theirs. When we look for and share the exceptional of each world as a team we stop criticizing the differences.

I love her so

Comments

Submitted by bb2000 on Mon Feb 4th, 2013 - 8:47pm

Wish my soon to be ex was as accepting as you.  :) That has not been the case, and in fact said I was a ROOMATE, and that he thought we needed to see someone who "deals with ADHD". Like its all my fault. Never took the time to understand it, until he did a "little " research once our daughter was diagnosed. :( I told him that I hoped he didn't give up her like he gave up on me. Mean to say at the time, but I was hurt, and felt betrayed (emotional affair-in my mind thousands of minutes with a single woman on the phone is just that). So, I am moving on. Hoping that one day I will find someone accepting of who I am, not what they think I should be.  :)Thank you for your kind words, and it really does help both ADHD-ers, and non- ADHD-ers, in my opinion. :)

"B"

Submitted by Mr New Hope on Fri Apr 12th, 2013 - 4:32am

While I try very hard to be accepting and control my reactions to my wife's ADD I want to be honest and say not everyday is great.I can not always control my frustration. Sometimes I can release some frustration by laughing at the sheer illogic of the situation. Sometimes I just want her to fully realizes how many pieces I put back together everyday so that our family makes it through the storm. I know how hard she tries but somes days it just collapses and I got to hold it all together for the kids. The environment often teaches the children that discord is normal and daily. I try to show a little of life with some harmony but I am out numbered. Its seems as the Children reach late teams they have some sense of how to avoid chaos. It is with many patient words and directed reflection that this is achieved over years of counsel. Even when I know my wife does her best I often still feel extremely put to the test. Where do you throw out your frustration? Who has your back when you screw up? What if one time I am not there or strong enough to pull off yet another miracle when her brain skips a note. Some times I am jealous of her oblivion. I am venting. This was not a good day or week. I pray that God forgives me for my impatient times and will be there for my wife and I to carry us through the stormy seas. Red Sky at night sailors delight. Red sky in morn sailors take warn. Looking for ruby sunsets and bright yellow mornings and God speed ahead.

I love her so.

barneyarff's picture

Submitted by barneyarff on Fri Apr 12th, 2013 - 10:34am

Who has your back when you screw up?  Boy, do I get that.  I feel the same way.  I AM the BACK.   But when I screw up (and I do) no one is there.  i must simply pick myself up and fix it myself.   

I was thinking about that this morning.  it's a very small and simple thing but when my husband uses the can opener, about 75% of the time he leaves the lid on opener.  So, when I'm cooking, I'm usually making a meal or sometimes multiple meals and I'm working in a rhythm, etc. so, I go to open a can and, whoops there is a mess there.  If it was only sometimes, I'd just roll my eyes but it is a constant thing and has been that way over many years.  So, how do I manage it?  According to the "rules" I should just leave it alone and let my DH figure it out next time he uses the can opener however what do I do in the meantime?   It's not just the can opener of course, it's all the number of things, everywhere.   It causes chaos.  And yes, I, too, put pieces together everyday that DH has just let dangle.     And, of course, if I just leave it I'm told I'm vindictive because I don't just fix the problem.  the difference to DH is that he doesn't do any of his stuff "on purpose" and I don't pick up a mess I see  "on purpose" and that makes me the bad guy.   I just can't win.  I've said this many times hear.  If I pick up the mess, the experts say I'm enabling.  If I don't pick up the mess, then my family has chaos (or the water gets turned off), if I yell at DH to pick up his mess, then I'm parenting.  I don't see where I have any way out.  ALL of my actions are perceieved as bad.  And I rarely here any expert say much about the ADHD messes except  "get counseling and take your pills".    Just once I'd like to here an "Expert" say to the ADDer  "Do you have any idea how annoying that behavior is?  Stop it!"   Of course that won't happen.

b

Submitted by Mr New Hope on Mon Apr 15th, 2013 - 12:17pm

Getting the ADD person to see themselves through others eyes is very painful for them. For my wife she doesnt see the problem until I show it do her very plainly. Even then there is often many excuses. If she does see it then there are many tears about and the words "its a wander you can live with such a horrible person". I tell her your not a horrible person but I just want you to appreciate everything I fix and monitor to keep the family going. It never goes well with that dialog. It makes me feel like a bad husband. At the same time this does correct her actions at least for a couple of Weeks. She never holds a long term grudge. Its just the process of getting them to see it is emotional depleting for me. When you love them so much you dont want to cause them pain by pointing out their omissions but at the same time its unloving to let them live in total delution of how they unconsciously pollute their environment with the multitude of little undone things. It takes real effort for me to look ahead and plan a future because 90% of the time I am cleaning up the present. She has amazing skills. Her cooking is renowned. But the fridge is a bomb and something is always dying in there. Her one to one sales skills and ability to put colors together are the talk of the town. Her paper work and communication with Co-workers and family are a maze of important missing details. Here are some of my dialogs. "I dont reads minds. ""You have to tell me. Just because you think it doesnt mean it knew what you ment." "How is everyone suppose to know that you put this item over here when we all agreed that it goes in this cupboard. "It may have seemed easier for you at the time but do you see what we all have to do to compensate?" "I just want to know where the coffee cups will be this week" If I werent living it I would be laughing at it and sometimes I do. But she doesnt like it if I laugh at her. I tell her I have to laugh sometimes or I'll go crazy too and then what will the children do? Yet I know she loves me and I love her and that is why we keep going.

I love her so.

Submitted by jackrungh on Mon Apr 15th, 2013 - 3:01pm

"...how they unconsciously pollute their environment with the multitude of little undone things."

That's a 13 word comprehensive description of ADD, inattentive. Each thing is relatively minor, so we cannot see the sum, which amounts to death by a thousand cuts for the non-ADHD spouse.

Submitted by Mr New Hope on Thu Apr 18th, 2013 - 6:19pm

When I first read your reply I thought is was harsh. But when I reconsidered your death by a thousand cuts I have to say that is accurate. No wonder I get impatient some times. You try to be so forgiving and make things work. You forget that you have been cut ten times an hr. Have you notived that this alters your working with non ADD people. You always checking their work cause that is how you survive at home. Gets them annoyed. You dont even know your doing it. I have said ADDer would make good royalty. They have servants to look after the little things. I guess I married a princess!

I love her so.

Submitted by Mr New Hope on Mon Apr 22nd, 2013 - 2:40pm

First of all thank you for asking me that question. This will help keep me in balance. Let me count the ways. She is so beautiful. She has perfect skin. She is so forgiving. She never holds a grudge. She tries so hard. She works hard. God knows why but she loves me. She is not a big spender. She loves our kids a lot. She trusts me. She will never leave me or be unfaithful. She has an intuition about people that is usually right. No matter how mad we get at each other she will always hug me. 

 Thanks again!!! when I get caught up in the bad days I will focus more on why I love her so. Marriage is a lesson learned over a life time.

I love her so.

Submitted by jackrungh on Thu Apr 18th, 2013 - 7:35pm

My wife is resilient. Her physical pain tolerance is insane(three totally natural births, two of them at home), as is her tolerance for stress and emotional pain. Our fights are never after one misstep on my part. It takes a few usually combined with some well-timed stressful separate event to bring her over the boiling point. I firmly believe that if we didn't have two autistic children, weren't in limbo searching for a house, trying to get every therapy we can for the kids, and homeschooling that my ADHD foibles would be well within her tolerances. For sure they would still be worth addressing, because certain things like the parent-child dynamic can poison a marriage without fights, but her nature is to just suck it up and keep moving forward. In that sense our crazy life did us a favor by forcing the issue.

I think coming from royalty(wealth) certainly enables the ADHD nature. More 2nd chances, more opportunities, shielding from the world at least until young adulthood, etc. The executive function issues common to ADHD are(were) very common in CEOs and leaders(kings). They fly high, gamble hard, get things done in blazes of glory, make massive amounts of money, and often fail in huge and catastrophic ways.

Submitted by Mr New Hope on Mon Apr 22nd, 2013 - 2:51pm

Our lives our crazy too. Home school, family business, ADD kids. I wish I could put my wife in a position of CEO or well paid artists, writer, singer. Maybe I will see what activities make her feel like a CEO. Maybe her own cooking show for busy MOMs. Meals for 7 in 30 mins. She loves fashion. She knows how to put outfits together. She loves shopping at the next-to -new stores. Every one thinks she spends big dollars on clothes. HAHA !! The savings lets us go on vacation.

I love her so.

Submitted by jackrungh on Mon Apr 22nd, 2013 - 3:19pm

Actually my wife is the same way. She shops at goodwill regularly, and finds the diamonds in the rough. She's always coming home with high-end brand and boutique clothes for the kids. Last week she came home with a very intricate $3 dress for E that still had the tag for $47.00 on it. I don't know of anyone with more stylishly dressed children, and for our neighborhood/social circle, we are relatively poor.
We're planning to take the kids to Disney in Dec, and her frugality makes that possible.