My husband has ADD from a traumatic birth injury. It has been a big part of our marriage. He and I used to get along, but since we got married a year ago, our relationship has turned into more of a parent-child theme. I don't like it. I've lost my husband to arguments over helping with dishes and laundry, or going to events outside the house, helping with our dog, etc. If it's not something he wants to do, he sees it as an annoyance and I'm the bad guy.
My husband and I have lived apart for a month now after a big argument we had recently. Over the past year, my previous job led me to be overworked, stressed out, and I was even bullied by a co-worker. I brought my anger home and took it out on my husband. I truly hit rock bottom during this time and was in a deep depression.
Also, since last year, my husband has been dealing with his father's stage IV pancreatic cancer. He has been unable to focus on anything but his father, and many areas of his life have suffered from neglect. He and his father never got along very well, but I feel like he's taking this time to patch things up as best he can.
I keep asking him when I can move back, but he can't tell me a timeline. He wanted me to get help right away, and I've done that. I'm seeing a therapist for anger management and reading Melissa Orlov's book to better understand the ADHD mind.
My question is this: has anyone ever had a similar situation like mine where their ADD spouse had a relative who was dying and they neglected you for them? I feel like my husband can't even deal with our marriage issues until his dad passes, which I feel will be very soon. But still, he can't even talk to me on a daily basis. It's like I don't even matter anymore. He says things like, "I need space" or "I'm trying to figure out my life".
I just need to know if I get help and do all the things he asks of me, if he will take me back, or if we're doomed. Once his dad dies, I'm not sure if he will behave any better.
"I've lost my husband to arguments"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jigawattz88,
You asked: "I just need to know if I get help and do all the things he asks of me, if he will take me back, or if we're doomed. Once his dad dies, I'm not sure if he will behave any better."
My answer/reply: If you get help, you will be able to decide if you really want to choose to do all the things he asks (demands) of you. Once his Dad dies, and he is through the mourning process, he will behave the same as he did before his Dad died. Unless he chooses to learn to do something different.
These are my own opinions.
I have learned we need to focus on our own behavior, and decide if the treatment/behavior we feel we are receiving is acceptable to us. It is not up to anyone else to tell us what is acceptable to us. We are individuals with our own feelings. They are valuable. And to be honored and cherished by a person who loves us - not wants to change and control us.
Sincerely,
Liz
jigawatzz88, distractions
Submitted by dedelight4 on
So sorry you are also going through such struggles, and your family is having to deal with many things. My ADHD husband used many things for distraction to keep from focusing on his own ADHD issues, that it went from one thing to another. His mother and father passed also (at different times), and he would focus on that, but mainly his focus was on "I have SO MUCH WORK to do". I heard that phrase for over 33 years....daily, I've learned from here, and other places that folks with ADHD/ADD usually have co-morbid conditions, and have learned behaviors from their past that also affect how they react and respond to things.
Those of us who live with them get in a pattern of responding to their behaviors, that aren't usually beneficial, and we have to learn to do things differently. My husband wanted to stay in denial about his ADHD affecting our relationship and so the marriage is failing. I know that most of the others here will tell you to focus on yourself now, and learn what you can about ADD/ADHD, and marriage with it. I'm sorry your husband is grieving, but it could be he's putting too much emphasis on you, and not seeing his own part in this. My husband used the DENY, DEFEND, AND DEFLECT patterns to keep attention away from himself, so that he didn't have to face what was going on with him.
So much work!
Submitted by Neckbone on
Delight4, wow! This is so true. Mine, too, uses many things as a distraction. One of which is on how much work he has to do. To hear him talk, he is the hardest working man ever. He also focuses on aches and pains. We all have them, I get it and can empathize with him, but this distraction and focus is different. It's an obsession. If he does work around the house that causes him to be sore, I will hear about this non stop for DAYS and often WEEKS. He will go on to tell me he needs to go to bed early so his body can heal. Really? I gave birth to 4 children and your body needs to heal from mowing the yard? LOL! Time is a distraction and focus. Again, it's an obsession. If he looks at the clock and it's close to his normal time to go to bed, he starts getting nervous, picks up the tone of his voice and says 'I NEED TO GO TO BED.' If I get up early, he gets up earlier. He rounds up or down on the time depending on which way is in his favor. He constantly tries to one up me. Sleep is a distraction and obsession. If he has said it once, he has said it 100,000 times that a person needs x amount of hours of sleep. If he gets less, he has anxiety and now that becomes his focus. Sigh. I do realize I need to learn to do things differently and to respond better, but am happy to see similarities in your husband and like all of us on here, it feels good to not be alone.
You are taking the blame
Submitted by RecoveringfromPast on
From what you have written, you are shouldering all of the blame for your marriage problems due to your previous job and allowing your husband to make excuses for his behavior.
I am sure it is stressful dealing with a parent with ailing health, however that does not excuse your husband's behavior towards you, just as a stressful job does not excuse negative behavior towards your spouse. However, a healthy partnership can talk about these things and try to deal with them together. If you are trying to do that and your spouse continues to make excuses or place the blame on you, that is not fair to you and you do not deserve to put up with it.
I agree with the previous poster who said that if you get help you will be able to decide if you want to do all of the things he demands of you or not. Most likely, he is not going to change if he does not identify there is a problem and doesn't want to change.
In my marriage, the minute we married, my ex husband stopped doing anything around the house or with me and we constantly argued over daily chores that needed to be completed. He left me once early in the marriage and convinced me that all of the problems that we had were because of me. Instead of identifying that was BS, I accepted the blame and I was the one who was tasked with changing. In order for him to come back I basically had to promise him to never complain about his laziness and lack of interest in our marriage again. So, I did and he came back. There was a honeymoon phase, but it was short lived and his behavior only worsened. There was always this looming threat that he would leave me again if I complained about him or to him and he took advantage of it by doing only what pleased him. Then, one day he said that he thought he needed to get on meds for his ADHD and I thought that all of our problems would be manageable with that help. Unfortunately, they worsened and he not only did nothing to help the household run and showed no interest in having a healthy marriage with me, but he became an alcoholic and maintained an affair for years. I finally had the strength to leave him and am now picking up the pieces and learning to trust myself and my instincts again. All of those years I knew that this was not a healthy relationship, but he always turned every single thing around on me, making me the root of all of worlds problems that I was sure that I could not live without him.
My situation may or may not be like yours. Your husband may want to change his behavior and may be successful in doing so. However, if he does not want to make the necessary changes and meet you in the middle, moving on may be your best choice.
Jiggawattz88- Yes my H has similar behavior
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Yes my H was the only son out of 4 who was nearby to deal with failing health of his dad. And yes even thought the relationship was not the best between them- it seemed my H was making up for lost time. Also due to aging and illness, his father's personality changed and he was more easily approachable. So a whole new relationship settled in and it was good. But my H was consumed with a lot of his dad's care--every day with calling his dad -which I had no problem with. Every weekend the 3 hours each way journey to visit was carried out. Often the visit lasted only 10 minutes - but quality not quantity,right? A lot of $$ was spent that we really didn't have. My H was making another separate trip when doctors had reports or meetings as well. Other family members just stuck their heads in the sand- and they were far away. A couple of times over a 3 year period the other sons made visits. One son arranged for some awards to be bestowed and a lot was made of it. But it was clear at least to me that my H's father was making his exit. Our therapist at the time said to me in a me only session that my H did not need to go every weekend. I could never figure out if that was bad advice or not. I mean my H was not around for one whole day every week- a day that would have been spent at work- never with me- so I did resent it I am embarrassed to say as we were having issues in our marriage about that. And the other side was well my H's dad is going to pass soon and he wants all time he can get with him. So like I said, I still can't figure out if that was good advice.
So fast forward, my H's dad passes and it is a family drama as the other siblings all come and act out with sibling rivalry and teasing and all that. So my H became even more distant as he had to deal with their bs and the funeral events. Plus we were not getting along.
SO I figured this too shall pass- but my H is grieving- and I know this is normal. He is not the only one grieving in this household but we all grieve for passed on family members in the ways that we do-- But now my H often brings that up as an excuse for not being able to do this or that. A lot of times, I do not see any connection. But it is like you said -I felt we could not deal with our marriage issues while his dad was ill and even now still as we have passed the first year mark of his passing- my H often brings that up as an excuse. We have gone to counselling but H won't bring it up in detail in the session. He waits til we are in the car and on the way home to blast me with-- I am having a really hard time here. I am vulnerable. I miss my dad. I need to figure this out.
So I honestly have no way of knowing if he is dealing with it. I mean it is very personal and private. But if it were to come right down to it, I don't think he is. He isn't discussing it with me. He had a few close pals that he does stuff with and maybe he talks about it with them. But again, he spends more time with those pals or being an extreme workaholic and I only get several hours one on one time with my H every week. And that is a real source of marital problems.
I can offer this after being married for almost 40 years and being together for 44 years, if I had known what I know now- I would have left in the early years when these troubling behaviors emerged. I ignored them because I was head over heels in love. Some things are there right in front of us-and no one ever points it out to us. I never had a support system - family was not available. And friends were superficial and just jealous that I had found someone. I guess what i am saying is try to re examine everything very closely and see if there are any other aspects to this besides your FIL illness. I later found out about 25 years later that my H was having an affair. I suspected it at the time but could not "catch" him.
So it may be multi layered. I realize now that I am co dependent. I tried and tried to work around all theses issues. Then i had kids and it got really complicated because I was trapped. So work on your self esteem, get independent and be aware. i wish i has someone to tell me those things long ago. I hope it all works out for you.