My spouse, who has ADHD, spends four days a week out of town assisting his elderly parents. Thus, I'm home alone (except for the dog) four days a week. We have two grown children, both in college; this is my younger daughter's first year away. So being all alone like this is really a big change for me. I don't mind spending some time alone, but I do get lonely eventually and my husband, despite my repeated requests, has not gotten into a pattern of texting or calling me when he is away every week. I feel dead or invisible. I have repeatedly brought this up with my husband but he appears unable to carry the behavior (contacting me occasionally) over from one week to the next. Now I feel humiliated when I ask him to make the effort. Any ideas?
Lack of communication
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 04/01/2012.
Have you thought
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
Have you thought about counseling? It's just not for when your marriage is falling apart. I've found that when I go into the "safe" zone with my husband (the ADDer) and our counselor, I can be upfront about my feelings. And my husband seems to respond better too. Recently he moved back in after a long separation and he, of course, was leaving dirty dishes, empty cans of soda, etc all over the place. That's minute in the scheme of things, but I was dealing with a family medical emergency that was requiring a lot of time at the local hospital. I would come in and see the junk all over the place and just cry. I finally blurted it out at our next session after he asserted that everything was going well. When the counselor asked me how his behavior made me felt and I answered that it was disrespectful. To him, it wasn't a big deal, but me saying that I felt disrespected (and crying to boot) totally changed his view of the situation. It's been two weeks and I haven't come home to a dirty dish since.
Of course, this might could occur for you and your husband outside of counseling. Have you ever just told him that his refusal to call or text makes you feel (insert appropriate emotion)? If so, and it hasn't gotten you anywhere, then definitely look into counseling. It's a hard situation from the sound of things--he's dealing with his parents and you are essentially dealing with empty nest syndrome. That's a big life change in the scheme of things and definitely worthy of short term counseling. If that's not an option, I can only suggest that you find some after hours pursuits to take up your time. I've found in the past that if I don't contact my husband for some time because I'm busy, he gets to wondering where I am or what I'm doing.
Good luck to you.
Thank you for the suggestions
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for the suggestions and the sympathy. Unfortunately, my husband is extremely resistant to any kind of problem solving for problems that involve him. Also, he has an ingrained, apparently immutable response to discussions of emotions (my emotions, at least). He told me last night that when I talk about my feelings, he assumes that my negative feelings are caused by something that he did wrong; then he feels under siege; then the rational part of his brain shuts down; and then he is not able to deal with the situation.
Our marriage is actually falling apart, and at this point, I have no more energy or desire to do anything about it.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I'm so sorry to hear that. Some guys are like that. After reading the stories on this forum, I am very blessed to have a husband who wants to seek treatment, both for his ADD and our marriage.
Perhaps you should just seek counseling? I started out with that--seeing a counselor every two weeks to deal with the emotions I felt as a result of a failing marriage. I got to the point where I saw I would not improve anymore because a lot of my anger, depression, frustration was caused by the state of my marriage. I finally found the courage to tell my husband that I was leaving (not that I really could, since we were already "technically" separated) and he was quick to suggest that he start going to counseling too. We had progress for several weeks and then it went down hill for a two or three sessions and I began to despair again. But he finally followed through on moving back in and I no longer have that soul crushing insecurity about being separated. Of course, being back together brings a whole new set of challenges, but he's been very patient with me when I freak out. I am considering going back to our counselor once or twice on my own in order to deal with the new feelings caused by the changes in our relationship. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself and focus too much on the uncertain future.
It's not uncommon for marriages to stumble or fail as a result of big life changes. You won't be the first and you won't be the last. I guess you just have to decide whether or not you can stay on and build a life without his influence/involvement or if you need to be free to pursue another life wholly separate from him. In any case, I hope you find some peace and happiness.
Thank you. I really
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. If it were just the empty-nest syndrome, I think I could get through it. But we've had problems for years, and now that I'm actually free to make changes and have time to think about what I'd like, I've been unable to avoid the truth of how bad our marriage is. Interestingly, my husband agrees that it is bad but doesn't understand why not being married seems like one reasonable (although unpleasant in its own way) alternative to our bad marriage.