When my husband and I were dating over 30 years ago, I eventually met his best friend. I didn't have a clue what his friend was talking about when he asked me if my husband had ever been on time to meet me. Little did I know about the wonders of hyperfocus! Since then I have tried every possible coping mechanism that I could think of, but he still gets mad when I insist on driving separately so that I can be on time. I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to have such a different sense of time. He will tell me that he is planning to go to Costco early in the day, but by now they must recognise him as "that guy that always comes in right before closing." My daughter ran track in high school, and I know it was important to him to be there. He still managed to miss so many big races in spite of how terrible he felt about it every single time.
Late again and again
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on 06/20/2014.
late much of the time
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I can totally relate. My ADHD husband is late for almost everything. When we were dating and first married, he was exceptionally EARLY for most things, which was great, and I liked that as well, UNTIL............. the lateness took over. From then on, he's been late for almost everything. Example: He is always complaining about "not using two cars and not doing unnecessary trips with the cars". He would insist on taking me to work on Sunday mornings, but since I am an organist/pianist for churches, schools, etc, I MUST BE THERE AHEAD OF TIME. My husband would insist on taking me to work, but then not get up on time, and make me late. I would be so nervous and upset because I HAD to be on the organ bench AND PLAYING at five minutes to 8:00am, but he wouldn't even be getting in the car until 5 AFTER 8. The church will have already started, the choir up front and the minister already starting the service, and here I AM (the organist) running in the church after everyone is already starting the service. (the organist is supposed to START the service) When I would get upset about it, my husband would get SO ANGRY with me, because he didn't see the big deal about being 5 to 10 minutes late. THE BIG DEAL? I had to put a stop to it, and INSIST I drive myself, because I couldn't be late any more because I would have lost my job.
He is also late HIMSELF to work much of the time, and he's a teacher/professor. He will get UP on time, but then putz around the house until he is LATE, and then rush around screaming "I"m late"..."I'm late....I've got to go"......then he races out of the house and zooms down the road to the college. He gets more speeding tickets than anyone I know but then YELLS at me "Don't you EVER get any tickets, and you better not speed.....because we can't afford to have our insurance go up any more". (I've had 2 tickets in my ENTIRE LIFE.....I'm now 57). He gets about 2 to 3 tickets a year.....or more. What kind of CRAZY is this? This is one of the many strange things he does, but he doesn't SEE that this is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I've stopped trying to reason with him about it, because his justifications about it are too unbelievable to comprehend. This is funny because he really prides himself in his genius I.Q. and type A personality which makes him a "cut above" everyone else, or so he thinks......wow. It still amazes me.
Multiple tickets go with the territory
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
My husband likes to say that he is "the safest driver in the house", but he has a similar record to yours, plus plenty of fender benders. I refuse to ride in the car any more if we are late for something, like a family gathering, because he speeds and runs every red light. What really gets me the most is having to listen to him try to justify every ticket. He never pays the fine, he always goes to court to contest it, and it doesn't even pay off. My husband also is extremely intelligent, and I don't understand the breakdown in logic either. It's kind of fascinating, actually, when it's not frustrating beyond words!!
You are definitely wise to drive yourself to church, because the extra gas, etc. is absolutely better than the stress and worry of being consistently late for a commitment.
Whoever first came up with the phrase that someone would be "late for their own funeral" must have been talking about an ADHD'er.
Yep, yep, yep.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
perfectstorm5,
Wa-a-y nack in 1982, on our second 'big' date, I was dressed and waiting. Finally several hours later, he shows up, in his work clothes, and just states he is too tired to go out.
Of course, way back then, my brain went into the 'I must have misunderstood' and 'oh well,' and was all wrapped up in about how HE had worked so hard. There it started. I wish I had better self-esteem back then to make it clear he should have called, and that it is not a nice way to treat someone you care about. Taken for granted, for sure.
Hind sight. It is always 20/20. I wish I knew then what I know now. Blech.
Just have to laugh!
Submitted by c ur self on
When I got married and saw the way she lived rushing to work, coming into church w/ the sermon 1/2 over...I was like amazed...but right away she started trying to put a guilt trip on me...Like Aw...you're not going to wait on me? We finally thankful have some accountability in that area...Its one of our boundaries...I just throw a bulletin in the seat beside me if she show's great, if not i would have went alone anyway...In the beginning I didn't understand add at all...I would think...OK c ur self just be a good example, and pretty soon she will come on time...Six years later its the same :)
Hearing these stories, I am
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
Hearing these stories, I am reminded of the fact that the only way to deal with this is to deal with what we can control, without the blame, and without getting sucked into the guilt. I have also tried not to be embarrassed that I often show up alone. It's ridiculous to even imagine that other people would notice or care. I do think this is one of the easier boundaries to set for me, but after all this time, it still blows me away that he hasn't found a way to be on time for the things that really matter to him.
Reading all these posts I
Submitted by c ur self on
Reading all these posts I just wanted to say my heart sure does break for you ladies...I know it is a lot more difficult for you than for me...I'm also 57, but I was able to retire from my job of 38+ years...Back in 2013. I was so worn out from a pressure job, and coming home to the struggle and work load here I was just mentally, emotionally and physically fatigued a lot of the time.... Please don't take this wrong if you've been diagnosed with add/ADHD, but, I feel like the one most negatively effected a lot of the time is the spouses of adders. When I read Dede's comment's about having to deal with being late to her job because her husband demanded he drive her, then not be responsible enough to follow through, that's hard...You know; a wife can be loving, faithful and kind and honor her husbands role in the family...But, still have the right to say Sir...set your butt down, we are going to talk :)...She did say they had worked that out :)...Your husband not working for 5 years...and telling you that you just are looking at the negative side of things...Really! I'm sorry you are dealing with this...But, I love your comment, it is the answer: (I am reminded of the fact that the only way to deal with this is to deal with what we can control, without the blame, and without getting sucked into the guilt.) A person doesn't have to have add/adhd to live in denial and be selfish and self-absorbed...Blind to their lack of love and responsibility to their family...I'm definitely not an advocate for divorce and even separations' But, I do think separation from someone who just refuses to be responsible and basically is free-loading off his wife and others should have to face life alone a little bit...There's something about hunger that make's our jobs seem like there not so bad :)...It's also amazing how hunger can allow us to see more clearly...Blessings ladies!
They're late, but blame you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I still don't comprehend why an ADHD spouse can be late for things, (or do many of the ADHD behaviors) but still BLAME the spouse for what they THEMSELVES are doing. My husband STILL continues to do this, and I have had my fill of it. The past few months, I've just had ENOUGH. 31 years of marriage with him not taking responsibility for his ADHD, and blaming me and the rest of the family for all his unhappiness..............with him now saying. "I feel so unloved". When HE is the one who has been very UNLOVING and uncaring and blaming and critical and.............................(fill in the blank). They want us to care so much and put up with all their craziness and STILL love them unconditionally, with little to NO change on their part. He has worn me completely out with this. He's on a trip right now, but when he gets back, I am giving him an ultimatum. He either WORKS on his ADHD, and we BOTH work on it together, or we split apart, because I can't take any more crazy living with him telling "outsiders" behind my back what a horrible wife and family he has. It's NEVER him, it's always someone else whether it's home, work, jobs, life, or whatever. He's always the victim of someone else trying to "get him". I wish for ONCE, he could truly hear himself, and what he REALLY tells other people. I have a saying......."When you are constantly having problems and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS someone else's fault, maybe it's really not them.......maybe it's YOU". I know that isn't always the case, but in this case......it is. Sorry, for the rant, it's been a bad few weeks lately.
desperate situations sometimes call for difficult measures
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
dedelight4, I hope it goes well for you, and I don't think anyone has to apologize for ranting here. It does sound like your situation is extremely difficult.
I just told my husband that I will move out in September, and I worked hard to make my case in as loving a way as possible. He hasn't received it well at all, and he is spending a lot of time trying to convince me that I am only looking on the negative side of things, when our life together could be amazing. He hasn't worked in five years, and has so far resisted dealing with that at all. He is telling me that if I leave, it would be over. It is hard to tell what is real anymore. All I know is that I am tired of feeling scared and desperate, and it' s time for a new chapter, however I get there. I think as a couple we could benefit from the strategies in the book and the workshop might be a huge help, but I think our situation is too far gone to go forward without help.
I don't take any stock on the
Submitted by copingSAH on
I don't take any stock on the promises of "I promise we'll all head out to the mall (park, store, etc) within the next two hours". Two hours turn to another 2 hours, and then into more... We were supposed to head out shortly after noontime once, and then at 9PM he was ready to drive the whole hour to his favorite ice cream parlor. By the time we got there, the place had just locked their doors. He was furious not with himself but with everything else. Luckily I was able to find some other store but he was ready to drive the whole hour back empty handed.
Another time I prettied myself out to go out, waited all day long. Even took a cute little "selfie" on my phone. We never went out. I figure, well, at least I have a profile pic for social media. My friend saw my photo and said "oh you must have been ready to go out, all made up like that." Even the photo doesn't reveal the alienation of waiting all day for your spouse to be on time or make good on promises to go out on time.
c ur self thank you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you c ur self, for the kind words. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts, since they are so uplifting and encouraging. Your ADHD wife is fortunate to have an understanding husband in you. Prayers to you and yours, in Christ, dede