2. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHUT UP IN PUBLIC
I need advice from y'all (chime in MELISSA :) ) on how I can deal with my anger and rage at how my husband makes an idiot of himself wherever he goes. I love him, and I could accept him for how he is because I have studied ADHD and I understand his disorder and how his brain works and la de da. But to EVERYONE ELSE he makes himself look like, yes, the hurtful word we are all so tempted to say to them on a regular basis, an IDIOT. He starts talking about himself at church, about his business (which is ours, and is something that I take very seriously and professionally) and starts talking about how much money we're making, how the technology works, how exciting it all is, on and on, when NO ONE asked, except maybe the polite "How's it going?" And then, when they are polite and respond, "Really?" to his first sentence, he goes on and on and doesn't realize maybe they're just being polite and have more social sense than I do and have learned its more polite to ask questions about others than to rattle on and on. Granted, there could be self-esteem issues playing a role in there too, but it's like he has NO DISCERNMENT. NO OFF SWITCH. He'll talk all the time about stuff in front of the kids about stuff I would definately prefer they didn't hear. It's like he has no awareness of what's around him, he's just so wrapped up in his mental train of thought that is running away with itself and out his mouth. Once again, I could deal with it, but it is damaging my children, our reputation, everything. It's humiliating because I did NOT see this when we were dating! I like to think of myself as having a good level of common sense and discernment as well as professionalism. I see the people's eyes just kindove politely glazing over as they get more and more socially turned off and I don't know how to apologize without "disrespecting" my husband (something he seems hell-bent on demanding, like a king without a castle) instead of earning it. I can't explain Sorry, he's got ADHD, cuz' that is a swear word that I get in trouble for saying even in front of the kids. So I can't try to explain him to them to make him look better because he would think I was putting him down by calling him ADD. It's gotten to the point where I literally don't want him picking the kids up or dropping them off, I don't want to go to church with him, or even be associated with him because he makes himself and our whole family look like a bunch of idiots, and it's not the shoulders I want my kids to have to "stand" on. I want to scream, "He's got issues! I didin't see them when I married him! We had a really short courtship, honest! I don't have the same issues though! You can sit across from me! Here, I'll move and my husband can blab to someone else over there but you and I can converse WAAY over here in a sane way". Then there's the GUILT (all non ADHD spouses get way too much of this feeling) for even FEELING ashamed of my own spouse, but what do you expect? I'm open to hearing how I can change ME on this one too!! I've tried to talk to him about HIM. But when the impulsivity seems to be uncontrollable part of him, what can he do? How can I maintain a reputation, build a business, or raise kids that have half a chance at being viewed as winners with a Dad who behaves like this and physiologically, biologically can't seem to STOP. How can I honestly love and do right by a man I have to FAKE respect for. Poor guy. Poor me. HELP! PS This also has hurt me a lot as when he gets frusterated (usually cuz' he's being called on his **** by me, he vents to others without thinking making unfair and emotional comments about me like I'm high maintenance (when I wasn't being at all but he couldn't handle reality), and that I steamroll him (which is untrue. He can't formulate opinions or process mentally well enough to lead the family and make decisions so I have to, which I hate, then he blames me for steamrolling and controlling, which is not even my nature)...so his lack of discernment with what he says, when, how and to whom, has basically ruined our relationship, and this is just one of what, 30 different issues with him? I also struggle with wondering what a fool he's making out of himself "this time" whenever HE is the one that is taking the kids to the store, the park, anywhere...because his parenting REALLY REALLY STINKS (I can elaborate on this in a separate post as this is a whole other issue in itself) and I am starting to fear that people will see the kids with me, recognizing them as the same ones, and judge ME, assuming that if my husband has dysfunctional, white trash, immature parenting, that I, to be his wife, must be similarly white trash, pajamas to walmart, yelling at snotty nosed sick kids stock. lol. couldn't resist, sorry. It's getting to the point that I almost want to move states away and just start separate lives until he gets help for some of these issues. Anyone else?
Yes!! I'm sorry, but I read
Submitted by lauren07 on
Yes!! I'm sorry, but I read this almost laughing. I can relate!! I can't stand being around mine. Thankfully, he's gone again, for another 6 mo to a year. We are permanently separated, but parent one child together. His parenting is awful and it sends me into internal rages. It could be worse, at least in his mind he wants to be a good parent.
In response to your response!!!
Submitted by hangingbythread on
And my husband IS a good parent in many ways, and has the best of intentions, probably just like yours! But, their never-ending trend of being a bad parent doesn't make up for their good intentions. My oldest daughter is 7 and STILL has yet to see what a good father (in my definition, one that has dealt with any and all MAJOR dysfunction) looks like. I've told him I know he's busy with trying to provide, but he's used that as an excuse for 7 years now to not change. Does he even realize she is halfway done and out of the house, soon to be houseS ? Oye. Thanks for your reply! Community is SO HELPFUL.
too busy trying to provide
Submitted by dedelight4 on
The "I'm too busy trying to provide for you people", is a phrase I've heard all 31 years of our marriage. It's only slowed down just recently. It's like being a husband, parent, anything else ALWAYS comes second to being that big provider. The interesting thing about this with MY husband, is he does have advanced degrees, a PhD, and tons of experience in his field, he just can't seem to financially get past the level of "just getting by". He takes the "lower" type of jobs that he way too qualified for because I think he fears being with others who know more than him. It's held him back for sure.
But, yes, our girls grew up and were out of the house and my husband was STILL "working to provide", with no time for his family. It was hurtful for ALL of us.
I have to say I love your
Submitted by MFrances on
I have to say I love your comments! (edited out - gross generalization) I did notice this with my spouse when we first were dating but it was Ok at first-great to take to a party where you don't know a lot of people b/c you know he'll talk to anyone. But when life takes over, it gets embarrassing. At church when someone says "how are you" they just want to hear fine and you? Not a 20 minute speech about how you really are. The bank tellers don't need to know your whole life story. When at the pediatricians' when I can't get in what is wrong with our child b/c dh is talking about when he had the flu 20 years ago, and on and on. When we first thought dh might have ADHD I read a book and some of the examples were this non stop talking-I almost jumped for joy that someone else had this problem. Chronic Monologing it was called in the book. In Melissa's book she talks about the communications styles of ADHD and talks about this too. I've read articles that say to give a hint or tap your spouse or something to let them know to stop talking. That has never worked for me-he ignores that. I gave up years ago and started to say "you need to stop talking now". Is this trait why dh doesn't have any friends? You said this in your comment: "It's like he has no awareness of what's around him". That is exactly the problem. They cannot read the cues from other people-like eye rolling or looking uncomfortable during a conversation, or having a guest at our house having one foot literally out the door and dh still going on and on! It is hard for the kids too.
Medication should help with the impulse control issue of just rambling on and on. I did read somewhere that if the person is in therapy they should work on that with role playing etc. Kind of having the therapist teach social skills. If you can find a therapist that will do this.
....oh just one more thing.....
Submitted by jennalemon on
Dh stands at the door yakking on the way to leave a place. People have to be rude to break away and say as politely as they can, "Goodbye, we have to have you go now." or he will talk for another half hour after we all have realized the time to go has come and gone.
At church and social events I
Submitted by c ur self on
At church and social events I drive my own car...at family or friends...I just go wait in the car and listen to the radio after the good bye hugs are administered...some times the pressure of them being left standing there alone will ring a bell...some times not :) ...Vacations are fun...trying to get out the door...she is so proud of herself, if we're less than an hour late getting on the road :)...but she usually makes up for that w/ oh, oh, stop here, at every antique and small town what not shop...I've found it's better to just take the long way...stay on the interstate. Then there's the extra bags she stuffs around her feet, that when I look inside it, its just full of old unopened mail and garbage. I use to get upset and say I'm not hauling this junk to the beach! That really started the trips off nicely :(... but now I've learned to just put in the floor board under her feet, what ever makes her happy. I just want the peace :) and believe it or not she does to...but our peace just comes in different packages...no pun intended...well maybe just a little :-)....
This happened once when we
Submitted by copingSAH on
This happened once when we were invited to another couple's home for dinner. Instead of leaving at a late but respectable 11PM, we left at the ungodly hour of 3AM. The other husband was literally shoving ADD dh out the door. Humiliating because I was giving bold reminders it was time to go (of course my ADD spouse's mind is going "you can't make me leave"), the other wife was just trying to be polite and we were already standing by the door. Needless to say, we've not had another invite since that time.
My dh doesn't get it, he says "everyone loves me" because to him, he's charming and very interesting. I have come across these same people - cashiers, bank tellers, pharmacist, neighbors and they all diplomatically indicate that he doesn't seem to know when to stop (nor when to stop using their skills). There was even one pharmacy who told me he'd been overpaying one prescription co-pay for months because he never stopped yakking long enough to mention he had a secondary insurance. So of course, my spouse says it should have been known he might have had secondary insurance. Seriously, so the pharmacist is also psychic now?
Also, we had a very short courtship and I always thought it was so much fun to talk into the night and always have the party centered around us (him). But it turned stale pretty quickly -- the beginning of the end was when I had my family baby shower and what was supposed to be a 30-minute videotape of opening a half a dozen gifts turned into TWO EXCRUCIATING HOURS of videotape of just him performing for the group and the camcorder. He was completely disconnected that there were guests attending from far away standing the entire two hours, who didn't even know him that well. It was all about HIM when it should have been all about US and OUR BABY.
Needless to say, I think it stressed me out so much, I had the baby that very weekend. Oh, and right after I delivered, I needed pain relief, he goes to the nurse's station and instead of coming right back with the Tylenol, he continued to yak for over 20 minutes until the nurse yanked the pills out of his hand and marched them into my room herself. I think she was just shaking her head the whole time, very annoyed that he left me in discomfort.
I could go on -- but it's so good to be able to vent all this nonsense out of my brain
OMG I have been there so many times
Submitted by Markswife on
Overpaid for so many things or for things we didn't even have in the cart because he yaks and interrupts the sales clerk and they forget to ring things up or figure prices wrong. overcharge us. I heard someone describe my husband behind his back once "My GOD that man must have to talk to breathe...." I was so embarrassed...for him. How many times have I met a relative stranger for the first time, like a bank teller who has had the pleasure of meeting my DH in the past and they ask me about PERSONAL health issues because he has broadcast them to that person and everyone within ear shot (he has a very LOUD voice). I can't even print some of the remarks he has made about very personal things in the most inappropriate of situations. I cringe remembering them. I literally cringe. He is a DJ at times and has made remarks on the air that I thought would get us sued or him thrown off the air.
"Boy, he's a talker, isn't he?"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
My dh doesn't get it, he says "everyone loves me" because to him, he's charming and very interesting. I have come across these same people - cashiers, bank tellers, pharmacist, neighbors and they all diplomatically indicate that he doesn't seem to know when to stop (nor when to stop using their skills). There was even one pharmacy who told me he'd been overpaying one prescription co-pay for months because he never stopped yakking long enough to mention he had a secondary insurance.
LOL. I SO get this. I gotta chuckle sometimes when my spouse gets upset that people "cherry pick" his construction estimates, and only want to get a few things done for the cheapest price. He himself gets very offended when people ask for a second opinion.
When we are trying to hire something out, he will try to tell them he will purchase his own parts, and ask how much will be charged for just the labor, and then he will choose the bottom cheapest price - and that is what the value of the job will be. How can you rationalize getting upset for getting a $10 job for something you paid a price of $10. Professionals charge for their talent!!!
There is even a family saying that "The Party Isn't Over Until the XXXXXXXs leave."
I do not like going out to dinner in our home town. Invariably someone my spouse knows will stop by our table, and then I feel invisible. They will chat and chat and chat, If do not know them, I will have to find a pause in the conversation and say "Excuse me, I am his wife. And you are?" I have asked him many times in many ways to acknowledge me, or make sure I know the person - just because that is the polite thing to do.
Yep, these are definite quirks that I need to find better skills at handling. I have NO CLUE what to do or say.
Liz
This website it a lifeline for me..DH and foot in mouth disease.
Submitted by Markswife on
I can read your stories and laugh and cry at the same time. It is just always something. Like trying to catch him being GOOD is so hard! It's the constant talking, repeating the same story time after time, exactly the same every time that drives me over the edge. And the impulsive remarks that just fly out, hurtful remarks that he thinks are funny. ZERO awareness of the effects his constant talking has on everyone. I've told him, POINT BLANK that he hurts people's feelings to STOP and just think before he speaks. I thought I was getting nimble enough to steer him away from disasters and maybe getting thicker skin to stop being completely mortified by his remarks. But, no, I guess I will never become that numb! Last night at Wal-Mart, to an obviously visually disabled checkout clerk who had to bend her head way down to focus on things, looking over the top of her glasses at times. Likely some limited visual field problems. She looked like she had some spastic muscle problems in her neck. I mean, really obviously disabled....My DH says to her, You know, they DO make bifocals! Ha HA.....I could not believe it. This poor minimum wage lady, obviously with some vision problems.... working for a company that my DH ALWAYS rants about because they don't pay enough and don't provide medical coverage for most of their employees!! Like she could afford bifocals! And she was impaired, bifocals being the least of her worries! She just gave him an ICY glance and said "They do, do they?" I wanted to sink into the floor. And at the motel at the conference I'm attending this week as they run the room charges through on the debit card..."Whoa, was there enough money in there to cover this ?!" (There was). WE talked about the charges 5 months ago, this was planned since June, he wanted to go, we know it was expensive (and tax deductible)....no big surprise with the cost, I had planned the income to cover it and he was supposed to transfer money to the business account....which he did. I have no idea why he even felt compelled to say it, it just blurted out. I just turned and stared at him. I had no idea what to say. Looking for the nearest rock to climb under. I'm really sad because I love him, he just mortifies me daily.
If I heard this story from someone else, I'd be laughing and saying OMG, I've been there.
You folks give me the strength to carry on.
Lots of things to look at...and some ideas
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You bring up a lot in this post. Let me try to address some of it as best I can:
"Going on and on" - people with ADHD are more likely to have difficulty reading emotional cues (including your own) that 'tell' them that others are uncomfortable with the amount or type of information being handed them. One way to get around that is to talk with your hubby about creating a verbal or physical cue. He can borrow your ability to read the crowd and you can cue him with a "Honey we need to move on" or some such (or perhaps a quick touch to the arm) that means "you need to wrap this up - too much detail!" Like all verbal cues, this only works if he agrees that your notifying him is okay.
Your embarrassment - some of it may be just that - your own embarrassment and others may not be as mortified as you are. However, he is a member of a couple, and as such it makes sense for him to be sensitive to your desires regardless of whether or not he is able to "see" when you are getting embarrassed. Therefore, a long talk about this issue not from a "I want to correct your behavior" but from a "this is an issue I have that you can help me with" is warranted.
Impulsivity - what you are describing is not only difficulty reading the crowd, but also possibly these things - difficulty organizing thoughts coherently (hence he says whatever happens to come to his mind) and not enough impulse control (i.e. no ability to stop and think before talking). He can probably practice the former with a good coach or therapist (or with you, in private, if that works for both of you) and medications may improve his impulse control.
Faking respect - don't fake respect. That's not only disrespectful for him, it's disrepectful to you. If you are having trouble with this behavior and it's really pissing you off, he needs to know that this is a deep issue for you - one that impacts your desire to be with him. Faking respect superficially solves the problem, but really leaves the bigger issue completely unresolved. Act respectfully when you talk with him about this (because YOU wish to be respectful) but get this biggie out in the open somehow. You might need a counselor to help.
Other ideas - if you haven't done it yet, consider taking my couples seminar. The next session starts 4/15. It will give you both a lot of good ideas.
I love the idea of a verbal
Submitted by MFrances on
I love the idea of a verbal or physical cue but the problem is my husband ignores it. He still gets so caught up in talking that he ignores anything else (one time our daughter even wondered away while he was talking to a complete stranger and didn't notice her when she was near him or when she walked away to the gift shop). The only thing that works is to say "you need to stop talking now" which is embarassing. I've tried lightly kicking him under the table, giving him looks etc. It seems that talking is the most important thing to him.
Not paying attention
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Yes, the only way that a verbal or physical cue works is if the person receiving it has agreed ahead of time that doing whatever the next behavior is (walking away, wrapping up, using a different tone of voice) is genuinely in his or her best interests. When that happens, if they have trouble walking away with a pat on the arm but they genuinely might want to walk away then they might work with you to figure out a more intrusive (but still not embarrassing) system. Another approach might be mindfulness training that could help him teach himself to more easily disengage.
Thanks Melissa. Good
Submitted by MFrances on
Thanks Melissa. Good advice. I'll ask him to ask his therapist about mindfulness training.
Lots of things to look at
Submitted by StillLearning on
What about something physical? Keep a specific coin or an index card with TMI(too much information) or TTG (time to go) on it? Slip it into his hand as if you were just holding hands?My daughter does not give up conversation easily. But if I go to the car she's generally there within 10 minutes. Melissa, do the strategies to teach people with autism social skills work with AD/HDer's?
autism skill strategies
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I don't know the answer to this question, though I'm imagning that it would depend upon which specific strategy you are talking about.
You are right in a lot of ways
Submitted by Markswife on
Our situation is complicated because I am in the helping professions and he accuses me of trying to treat him like a client, which I guess I am if I'm trying to give him feedback. His behavior cost me one job possibility and I am worried about professional ramifications. I am working on accepting that he is who he is and I simply need to not include him in sensitive social interactions, accept what he has to offer and expect no more. Mine is the only behavior I can control. And people have been much more gracious about his remarks than I expected, and these have been not just awkward, but unkind, insensitive remarks......case in point, we were at a thrift store 90 minutes ago and I complimented a young man on a great buy he'd made of a set of 4 unusual paintings. My DH is very artistic and I brought him over to oohh and ahh over this young man's find, which he was obviously proud of. My DH said they looked like something that would be hung up in Denny's (a restaurant) and that was where they were probably from. The poor kid looked so deflated. I pointed out the several hundred dollar gallery price tag on them and then he said, well they have to buy them somewhere! I wanted to die. It's this self-centered, narcissistic world view of those with ADHD because they are so stuck in their heads and train of thoughts. I can deal with the myriad unfinished projects, no ability to multitask at all, inability to transition from one activity to another (that's why they don't leave situations easily), forgetfulness. But the hurtfulness of their behaviors never seems to really sink in.
I will keep your 4/15 seminar in mind, I promise. BTW, he doesn't accept that he has ADHD.....:-<
This is my life exactly!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
This is my life exactly! My ADHD husband doesn't know when to shut up and gives people way too much information when they haven't asked for it or even shown interest. I tell him he has no filter. What comes to his mind comes right out of his mouth. I don't enjoy going anywhere with him because he embarrasses me everywhere we go. He is a constant complainer. We go out to dinner and he always finds something to complain about...the food or the service. And if he just complained to me I could deal with it but he lets everyone know his dissatisfaction. He even complains at church. Once he stood there and told the volunteers that the free coffee they were serving wasn't any good. I've heard him argue with the pastor about the message in the service or complain about something he didn't like. It's humiliating for me, I want to run and hide. I have gotten to the point of not going anywhere with him because of his behavior and he doesn't see it. He calls me anti-social and really it's just that I can't take the embarrassment. When we do have to go to a social event together I'm on edge the whole time waiting for him to do or say something inappropriate.
My husband had no friends when I met him. I didn't really realize this because we lived in different states before we married and it was hard to see while in a long distance relationship. He says people don't understand him and are intimidated by him. He uses the same excuse as a reason he can't keep a job. He says his bosses have always been afraid he will steal their jobs so that's why they fire him or don't allow him to advance in his career. My family has no respect for my husband and some are better at pretending to like him than others. It's made for a very uncomfortable situation whenever we have family get-togethers. I was close to my family before we married and now I rarely see them...and they all live within 15 miles of us. I have fallen into depression because my life has been turned upside down and he tells me there is something wrong with me and I need help. He blames hormones or menopause and says I need to be on meds. I'm so sick of living like this!
This is the part of ADHD I
Submitted by MFrances on
This is the part of ADHD I just don't understand. The making up of excuses and blaming others for their failures. Whatever bad thing happens, it's always someone else's fault. I just don't get it. I think it's about a low self esteem and not wanting to admit to yet another failure (or being told yet again that they failed) but lots of people have low self esteem (for various reasons) and they don't do this. I also know people that have ADHD that work extra hard so they don't fail at work or school or whatever. So I just don't understand.
Same here! Mine is good in
Submitted by lauren07 on
Same here! Mine is good in public. He's very likable and genuinely a good person, but he takes ZERO responsibility for anything his fault. He makes excuses, he blames others. I am the complete opposite.
I'm reading your post and it is my life exactly
Submitted by Markswife on
My exact problems. My daughter and many friends were against the marriage. It was a long distance relationship too and I was ill at the time, I'd gone through a lot of losses and was really down. I was looking at possible cancer treatment. He and I broke up dozens of times, but he'd always call and want to get back together. I think, no I know, the marriage was a mistake. Yes, DH says it's my fault and takes no responsibility for his remarks. I feel sorry for him when I see how others look at him, I really do. I don't have any problem with people liking me and with getting along with others, and I can get along with almost anyone, except him lately. I try to tell him to focus on what others are saying, listen before you speak, you don't have to tell everyone your whole life story, it's always safer to listen to theirs, ask 3 questions before you respond, listen to understand before you speak to be understood....whatever I can offer, but he doesn't think I know anything so off he goes from one social train wreck to another. Unfortunately I'm part of it.
Laurie and Panda 123
Submitted by hangingbythread on
Thanks for your posts!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing these "unique" challenges with my spouse.
Same thing here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I had to laugh also, because this has been our life for 30 years now. For 25 years, this subject was SO frustrating and confusing for me because we didn't know about ADHD, and my ADHD husband would also give WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION to anyone who would listen.( It got very embarrassing for our kids and me as well) People at church, especially, didn't know what to make of DH, but were being polite and would listen to his ongoing complaints about __________________(fill in the blank).
There were so many people that didn't like hanging out with us because DH didn't converse like "they" did. I would try to tell my husband (just like you did) about being careful what he says, because some of the things he was saying was "hurtful". My DH to this day.....STILL.....makes comments that sting or hurt other people, but he will NOT believe that he said anything wrong. He believes that he has to ACTUALLY SAY....."You are stupid, and I think you are a moron"......in order to offend someone. He won't listen to how many different ways I've tried to explain about "tone of voice", "types of facial expressions", and different verbal assaults that can happen during the course of a conversation. I might as well be speaking a foreign language, he won't hear me, and says I am just PARANOID, and that I worry too much about what people think. But, I KNOW, what others have said about him, when he DOES NOT LISTEN. Co-workers get very frustrated with him, as well as his students, and family members, who get "stung" by his constant "comments" about things.
My DH, has to ALWAYS say SOMETHING.....It doesn't matter what it is.....Whenever someone says a statement about something....... ANYTHING.......DH has to make a comment. Some times, the comments are funny, but most of the time, they are crude, and offensive.
Another thing that is difficult for me, is that my DH doesn't put the right facial expression or voice inflection/verbal emotion with the right BODILY EMOTION. It's VERY CONFUSING. One example is that he told me that he asked my forgiveness about a certain event that happened, and he was still angry with me because I NEVER FORGAVE HIM. I was shocked, because his "actual apology, as he called it" was done in a very ANGRY way, with a MAD FACE, ANGRY WORDS AND TONE, and there was NO apology or sincere facial or bodily emotion that would lead me to believe he was sorry in any way, shape or form. Plus, he never said any words that were apologetic, such as, "I'm sorry", or "please forgive me". He said other words, but they weren't anything close to being an apology. But, he was angry with me telling me that I never forgave him for "this certain thing". Wow, was I confused.
Anyway, I know how you feel, because I've lived it too.
Wow
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Wow dedelight4, you just described my DH to a tee! We have no friends because nobody wants to be around him. I get the feeling my family doesn't even really want to invite us to get-togethers because of him. Yet he believes we don't do things with other people because I'm anti-social. Now there is a bit of truth to that, I'm not a social butterfly by any means. But before we met I had lots of friends and did go places and do things with them on a regular basis. I know how people feel about him and have tried to explain to him nicely what they are thinking when he behaves like he does but he doesn't believe me. Or he just blames it on where we live (he was raised in a different part of the country but yet had very few friends when we met).
I had to laugh when you said your DH always has to say something...oh boy do I know how that feels! Mine thinks he has to teach everyone a lesson. If they do or say something he doesn't like then he is going to show them how they should behave. I keep telling him just to let things go and it's not his place to tell everyone how they should act or what they should say. But he takes everything as an attack. He is always in defense mode. This is why he can't hold a job I believe. He is always feeling like he's being treated unfairly. He thinks he knows how to do things better than anyone else and if they question him or they don't want him to do things his way then he gets angry and defensive. Either that or he says something he shouldn't say or spends too much time talking with people...then of course that leads to him quitting or being fired. UGH!
You have described my life exactly
Submitted by Markswife on
I have been there. All of what you say. I wish there was a support group somewhere, like a 12 Step program with round the clock meetings. I can see myself 4 or 5 times a day saying "I need to go to a meeting!"
ADHD Husband can't shut up
Submitted by Markswife on
I am laughing and crying at the same time reading this. Yet ANOTHER ruined evening with people I hoped could be friends UNTIL the subject turned to religion and my husband starts blathering on about the negative history of Catholicism as we sit in the living room and drink the wine of 3 devout Mexican Catholics. Absolutely loving and kind people I hoped to have as friends and with whom I work, but now I just hope I can hold on to my job and not be shunned by his complete insensitivity to his surroundings and other's feelings. I'm throwing myself at the mercy of the universe and hoping that these people have the grace and understanding to let this pass. What comes into his head just goes right out the mouth, do not stop at Go, do not pick up $200......He gravitates to the most controversial topics and off he goes: Politics, religion, you name it. NO FILTERS and I mean ZERO filters. I have spent time HIDING behind racks in stores when he starts in on some (usually canned, repeated) monolog with a sales clerk who just wants him to make his stupid purchase and get gone. I just want to scream "Don't ask him how he is....or if he found everything, for your own sake!" He told a clerk he'd have to spank her last week because she didn't refill the coffee carafe at Safeway and didn't get the inappropriateness of it!! Even after she made the comment of "Oh, that sounds like fun!" Straight up sexual harassment....why can't you just SHUT UP! He has told freckled salesclerks (usually female, young) that he wants to connect their dots with a sharpie! I thought OMG they're going to call the police.... I am always tense in public with him. finding new ways to try to get him out of public places, feigning stomach aches, accidentally pushing the alarm button on the car keys, sometimes just dragging him out by the arm. I'm in a constant state of mortification no matter what. I do really feel that he is going to ruin our business. Any corrections or help leads to fights. BIG fights. I am now intent on making a social life without him involved and finding a part time person to work in our business, keeping him off site to do the things that he does quite well, but not in public.
It's funny this subject has reappeared
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Markswife,
I cringe sometimes at the things my spouse says. Or the details he lets slip on things we are going to do. That gives the other person the opportunity to plan a counterattack. Or scoop up good deals before we had the opportunity to act.
I realize I have spent a lot of time swoozing over harsh remarks he made, in my own attempt to protect the dignity of our "couple" status. Or even attempting "damage control" to clarify what he "really meant to say."
Now, I just back away from conversations. Yep, it is hard! But I did him no favors with my prior behavior. It surely was part of my "parenting" that is not appropriate in my role as wife.
I choose to no longer assume responsibility for his words.
As of today, we do NOTHING - ZIP - NADA - with other couples. My spouse either decided he did not like them, or even decided that they do not like him. We cannot join in Couples' Bible Studies right now since he is at a place where (in my opinion) he judges others unmercifully and does not want to "waste his time" with them. For a man who struggled and still struggles with the unmerciful judgment of his Dad, I am amazed he has evolved into that same sad, hostile, angry, judgmental man. Almost from the day I met him, his eyes were wide open to NOT be like his Dad. I think since he did not find the alternative behavior to fill the gap - all that he had was what seemed to come naturally from his upbringing. Feels like a kick in the pants - to me.
Liz
Pulling back is about all you can do
Submitted by Markswife on
With strategic acceptance on my part that he isn't going to change and I simply need to rearrange life so his behavior has minimal effect on me.