I just found this site a few days ago and am alarmed by the number of people whose posts are nearly identical to my situation.
My husband and I met almost three years ago. He was wishy washy to begin with, wanting to spend every second together, talk constantly, then make sure (publicly - often humiliating me) I knew I was NOT his girlfriend. The next day, he'd be begging me to come over for movies and cuddling. When he decided we actually WERE a couple, I was pregnant the next month, and we were married four months after that. He was still very attentive then except he refused to work. He said he was a bad interviewee, the schedules didn't match, he had bad blood with some of the employees there (he had been a social butterfly for many years; read also as a once-heavy-drinker). There was always some reason he couldn't work. So I supported us on my wages and I drained my bank account; scary thing with a baby on the way. But there's that idiotic part of me that thinks real love will provide and struggling isn't so bad as long as we're together.
His first real shift in personality was the day our son was born. We used midwives and did a birthing center. I was understandably exhausted and just needed to lie down. My husband kept telling me I had to get up and move. He was instructing me, but not making me do it. The midwife shows up and forced me up, made me walk, made me sway. He still harbors resentment that "you listened to HER during labor, but wouldn't listen to ME!" He did virtually nothing to care for our son. He worked a part-time retail job then and, because he got up at 4 am, I did all of the night watching of the baby as well as the day watching. A few months after baby was home, I was arguing with him about how he would come in from work, claiming total exhaustion, and take a three hour nap in the floor. I was expected to make dinner while he napped, too. I literally went the first three months of my son's life with zero help and about two hours of sleep every night. When I was telling him I needed help and he just "didn't understand," I became really angry, yelled at him, called him lazy, and he told me to "stop being a f***ing c***!" Yeah, that's what every new mother wants to be called by her husband - the "C" word.
I developed crazy depression and sought medication that reacted with me and aggravated my existing anxiety disorder (yes, I have a panic disorder and chronic depression). He lost his job because he had to stay home with us while I detoxed from the meds. That was seven months ago. He refuses to return to work. He makes me work instead, even though I can't even drive myself. I hitch rides with people to get to my job (about an hour from our home), and I'm still expected to take over baby duty as soon as I come in after work, I have to make dinner, I do the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning - EVERYTHING. We've been in a terrible financial shape because my wages didn't even meet the mortgage payment. We recently sold this house and my husband refuses to give me access to ANY of the money. He owes me $10,000 from me draining my savings (that was money I earned over a 14 year period in anticipation of paying off student loans). He has given me $5,000 of it and says he won't give me the rest. He also won't give my mother (who paid many of our bills the last six months) any of the money she lent us. Instead, he spent $16,000 on HIMSELF last week alone. Without talking to me. The house we sold was given to him by his father when he passed, so my husband says, "my house, my money." But I thought he'd at least give me what he took from me. He promised to pay me back.
Now, we fight about the money constantly, and he tells me I'm not trustworthy, I need to prove myself, he thinks I'm going to screw him over, he thinks I'm going to leave him and take his money. He will fight with me about anything (he yelled at me until I was crying on the floor one day...about a MAGNET). I told him one day, crying, how I felt suicidal and he followed me around the house making fake crying noises and an "ugly crying face" at me. I've never been so miserable in all of my life.
I hold in there because I know how he used to be. And knowing he has ADHD (take Adderal) and depression (takes Prozac and Welbutrin) allows me to give him more benefit of the doubt than if he didn't have any disorders. But when is enough enough? When do we stop saying ADHD is a factor and say, "you're an abusive jerk"? He's only gotten worse on the meds. If he goes a period without them, he has even angrier, more violent outbursts. He's never been physically violent with my son or me, but I'm afraid it's heading that direction. And now he knows I have NO money, no savings anymore, a job I can't get to if he doesn't drive me, and he controls ALL of the funds. He still says he can't get a job and I have to keep working. How am I supposed to deal with my anxiety if I can't have time to recuperate? How does he not understand the pain and suffering he brings me? But I'm always nagging, I'm always a bitch (his mom tells me, too), and I'm never pulling my weight. Guess me taking absolute care of him for the last two to three years, bearing his son, and being the sole breadwinner is what makes me "a f***ing c***." Right?
karmalennon
Submitted by sunlight on
I'm sorry no-one else has replied yet. You mention
" He's only gotten worse on the meds. If he goes a period without them, he has even angrier, more violent outbursts. "
This is very concerning - is his prescribing doctor aware of any of this? If not, is there any way, any way at all, that you can get this information to the doctor? He should not be worse on meds. Either the dose is wrong or they are the wrong meds for him. It's vital that his doctor knows, especially as he is getting worse. The doctor needs your input. Is there any way to get your husband to tell the doctor that he is having anger problems that are worsening?
I Brought it Up
Submitted by karmalennon on
I approached him the other night while we were fighting about the money issues. I told him I'd found these websites and it really hits home; that I think he should talk to a different doctor or therapist or anyone who can help. You know - to make sure he has a proper diagnosis, to make sure the meds are where (and what) they should be, etc. He got really mad that I would suggest such a thing because, as he said: "so, if there is a problem, it can't be YOU...it has to be ME. MY meds are wrong. MY diagnosis is wrong. It has to be MY fault." I mean, how do you combat that? He's taking it personally, like he has control over it. That's not what I was saying at all, but he was impossible and refused. He said he's been living with it for a year now and he shrugged off my "one week" of researching; he laughed at my efforts to find help and told me try harder.
There is no way to contact his doctor. He goes through the VA and he doesn't always even see the same person. I'm not on any paperwork as an emergency contact or anything, so no one will talk to me up there. I'm going to appeal to him to go to marriage counseling with me. I hope that doesn't make him angry...but maybe if he hears it from someone else, he'll listen.
How to work with the V.A.
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Karmalennon, I know something about dealing with the V.A.
Ordinarily, V.A. form 10-5345 ("Request for and authorization to release medical records or health information").might be mandatory for you - as you indicate. However, as the spouse of a veteran whose issues include escalating violence, you definitely have rights and responsibilities. The following might seem like a lot to do, but it is just working the V.A. system. Here's what you do:
First, no matter what medical system you're dealing with, line up a safe place to go with your child in case of emergency - women's shelter, supportive friend or relative, etc. Pack a small bag with the essentials and important documents, and keep it handy but hidden.
Next, photocopy your marriage certificate and make sure your photo ID is up to date. If you have access to your husband's Social Security card or another document that contains his Social Security number, photocopy it or write down the S.S. number. Print out what you want to communicate to the doctor; maybe info from this chat - but put your later information first: that he's worse on the meds, suffers increased aggression upon withdrawal, and is havingmore violent outbursts.
Arrange to take half a day off work on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. If possible, do not make this the first or the last day of a month. Your task might not take a full half day but you need to plan for it. I realize that you desperately need your wages, but you need to do this.
Do not phone or write the V.A. Taking your photocopies and other info, a book and magazine to read, and a sack lunch or snack, have a trusted friend drop you off at the V.A. facility your husband uses. Go to its Primary Care clinic.
At the V.A., veterans eligible for care are assigned to a primary care doctor. The rotating group of therapists or psychiatrists your husband sees are all organized through Primary Care. (If he were to see, for example, a urologist, he would have to be referred by his primary care doctor.).
At the V.A. Primary Care clinic, you may well have to take a number ("non-appointment ticket"), and wait your turn. You'll then be called by number to a receptionist. Larger V.A. clinics have several receptionists. If there is no number/ticket system, simply tell a receptionist that you need to talk with a nurse about your husband's health (memorize your husband's Social Security number and be prepared to state it; "last four digits of the Social Security number" is one of the first things you'll be asked at the V.A.). Do not give any other details to the receptionist, and be pleasant but persistent about talking to a nurse. If the receptionist asks you to return another day, say that you cannot do that and that you're prepared to wait all day. Eventually, a nurse should come out and take you ito a room to chat. Give the nurse no details about your husband other than that it is an urgent health matter and that you need to talk to the primary care doctor. State that you realize your husband's doctor might not have time in his schedule today for you but that you would be happy to talk to another primary care doctor in the clinic. The nurse might ask whether your husband is in danger of harming himself or others. Simply keep repeating that you need to talk to a doctor. If the nurse says that no primary care doctor has time to see you today, tell the nurse that you are willing to talk with a psychiatrist and that your husband has seen various ones (the nurse will know this from your husband's medical chart).
When you meet with the doctor, tell him about your husband's increased aggressiveness on his ADHD medication. State that you believe he needs a change in type or dosage of medication; you shouldn't have to say this to a medical doctor, but as we all know from this forum, physicians' knowledge about ADHD treatment varies a lot. If the doctor (or you) suggests treatment for addiction to stimulant drugs, be aware that in-patient treatment for drug and alcohol addiction is free to veterans (so is job training). Ask if it would be possible to keep your input confidential. It may be. If not, and you fear retaliation from your husband even though he hasn't hit you or your child yet, go to the shelter or other safe place after you get home.
Best of luck to you.