Hey,
does anyone know how to make their ADHD interested in sex? I feel like having good sex together used to be a project that my husband worked on and then once he finished figuring it out he just...moved on to another interest? I have tried talking to him about this, tried coming on to him, tried wearing sexy/no clothes, tried priming him earlier in the evening that I was in the mood, I have even tried making sex appointments with him. So completely spontaneous through completely planned and just...nothing. He's tired. He's preoccupied with work. Or he is so awkward and weird about it I just don't want to any more because I feel like a sex charity case. It's not a functionality problem, he just doesn't want to. He even said to me he feels satisfied that he could probably go the rest of his life without sex and not care. I'm almost 50, nowhere near being ready for this. I'm so sad and confused. Sometimes he comes onto me, calling me sexy for example, but it's like he just checked off a box he thinks will make me happy and doesn't go any further. Like: compliment wife, check. I don't want a platonic best friend, I want a husband.
As a partner with ADHD I can
Submitted by mich45 on
As a partner with ADHD I can appreciate both sides. I'm 45 and rarely want sex. I do it to make my husband happy who has a high sex drive. He is kind, considerate and understanding but feels sexually rejected a lot of the time. I also struggle with intimacy. I can't speak for your husband, but I can explain how I feel. Sometimes noises, smells, certain touches actually hurt. If he kisses bear my ear the sensation makes me cringe, if I can smell alcohol or crisps or strong smells I switch off. I gentle stroke can feel irritating and annoying and then actually hurt even though the touch is mean to have the opposite effect. I get stuck in my own head and almost detach from my body. Sometimes I can control this by listening to music, having a window open, lighting a candle, reading erotic literature before bed etc, other times this doesn't work at all.
I wish I had the answers, I want to feel it, I just don't. I'm not menopausal, it's not hormones. I've always been this way. Talking does help, even if just to reassure your partner. I hope you find something that works for you x
No sex
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex quit having sex with me for the last 8 or 9 years of our relationship. I think a lot of it stems from the parent/child relationship that frequently develops between the non and the adhd person. If you are his caretaker, it's a turnoff on both sides.
You seem to be describing the hyperfocus stage. After awhile, you are no longer the shiny new project that once caught his attention. It's not your fault. I found that nothing could bring back the original hyperfocus, which by its nature, is short lived. It's a classic symptom of adhd. Many will start having affairs, because of the novelty of a relationship with a new person. I'm so sorry you confused his original hyperfocus on you with a true lasting love.
Im sorry you are going through this
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi.
This is hard. Ive been there. I have no recommendations other than marriage counselling or a sex therapist. I was in your situation. Together 18years and it felt as soon as the wedding happened i was sidelined. Sex once a week, dwindled to every 6weeks. He intiated in the mornings, knowing this was my busiest time (getting ready for work, getting my son ready, doing the childcare run, travelling to work), so i didnt have time for sex. It felt very tickbox of him so he could say he tried but i rejected him. But he tried always in the morning. I was already up at 6am. Of an evening when we had more time, he would rather self medicated with marijuana, and hyperfocus on the same game he had played every night for 20years. In the end i conducted a test. I didnt initiate, at all. I wanted to see how long it would take him. We never had intimacy again. Im so sorry you are going through this.
I noticed
Submitted by adhd32 on
You never mentioned that he helped with the morning chores and the kids. So you were supposed to be amorous while mentally constructing sandwiches in your head and thinking about the forgotten load of clothes in the washer? So romantic!!
No thanks! Put down the pipe and the game controller, take a shower and brush your teeth, and make an effort. Moaning that you can't get laid when the only time you approach me is when I am already overwhelmed with the morning routine is rude. Take some of your precious isolating time and seduce me instead of expecting a quicky that makes me feel used.
He didnt
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi ADHD32
He didnt help. As we both worked full time, we had an agreement i would do the morning routine (get myself and my son ready, breakfast, drop at childminder, then drop the dog off, then head to work). He would pick up at 5.30pm (2/3days a week. I did drop off 5days a week). I would then pick the dog up. My day started at 6am, he would stay in bed until 7.15/7.30am He was back home before me as i worked further away (an extra hour on my day due to travelling). His argument for not helping was that he did the night-time routine until i got home at 6.30pm. I would then do bedtime whilst he cooked. I frequently said my day is longer (6am to 6.30pm as opposed to 7.15am to 5.30pm). His counter argument was i chose a job with further travel,thats not his fault. The time i spend travelling, is the time he spends in bed in the morning and that the chores are split equal. He only started to help more after he got fired for sexual harassment. He used to initiate intimacy at either 5.30am or 7am (because he had woke 15mins early!!) after i was showered. I felt this was tickbox so he could say he tried but i rejected him. He said come 8pm he was too tired for intimacy, yet he stayed up each night until midnight at least, refusing to come to bed st 10pm as his ADHD brain wasnt tired. Total contradiction.
I also had to negotiate with him that for 3days per week please dont wind us up, stress us out in the morning with excessive practical "jokes" that had my 4year old crying and me stressed before i even got to work. But i allowed him to do it 2days a week.......because he said i was trying to change the person he was. Madness.
My experience as the ADHD spouse
Submitted by MentalChaos on
As the ADHD spouse, my experience is entirely different; I do not understand losing interest in physical intimacy at all. Now, I've missed a few cues due to my ADHD, but I've always regretted missing them afterwards. I want, crave and need sex from my partner, but I'm lucky to have that interaction once every quarter at this point. She says she doesn't have the libido, but I know it's likely the parent//child dynamic combined with poor body image that has her mostly shut down. We're working on the parent/child dynamic, but we are stuck in the sex life department. Before this last year, I could count the number of times we'd been intimate in the previous 5 on one hand. It's gotten a little better, but not much. At this point, I'm starting to seriously consider looking for a sex therapist, and if things don't change, divorce.
I did not get married to be a monk, and if I'm going to be shut out of physical intimacy so much in my marriage that I may as well be single... then I may as well be single and not have to deal with the hassle/heartache/hard work to try to keep my symptoms locked down in a vise for someone elses' benefit.