We've read a lot of posts from women who are upset at their ADHD partners because they won't be medicated or take their meds regularly.
In the past few months, I've had my eyes opened. For years, H has been difficult. For years, I never understood his resistance to taking meds correctly or regularly or getting the "right" meds. Some were supposed to be taken every morning, but he'd resist, and then take too many later once he was too upset to sleep that night (after raging all evening).
Finally, his doctor insisted that he begin a different regimen. H resisted, but finally gave in because our marriage was failing due to his outbursts, his drinking was continuing because of his (unreasonable) anger, and so forth. About 2 months ago, he began taking new stronger meds on a regular basis.
Now H confesses why he (and likely other men) resist taking their meds properly. It kills their libido. Simple as that. For years, he chose "having a libido" over having peace. While that may seem like a smart choice for men, it really was insane. What good does is it to have a libido if you're too angry at your partner to do much about it? I guess the thinking is that the "good days" make up for the few bad days each week.
So, for the past 2 months, his libido has been cut down a bit. He still has occasional interest...about once a week...but that is so much better than the rages that would come out of nowhere.
I laugh to myself because now my H tells me, "I tell my therapist that you've been perfect these past couple of months." lol...I haven't changed a bit. It's just that properly medicated, he doesn't flip out over the most minor "life issues"....like traffic, a line at the cash register, a sales person making a mistake, and so forth. Before, if we were in line for the cash register at a grocery store, and there were a few customers ahead of us, and I said, "oops, I forgot to get (some small item that would take me a minute to grab," H would flip out, and later claim that I took 20 minutes to get the forgotten item. (seriously, I would time myself as proof that I only took a minute or two.) Now, if I need to grab another item, he takes it in stride.
Very good news Overwhelmed.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Very good news Overwhelmed. What a relief.
Libido???? Tell that rocket scientist of a H that yours increases...or even has a chance of increasing, in inverse proportion to how much of a fit he pitches.
Lordy,
Anyway, it was so very good to hear of this change in your life and his.
Now
It's funny that most or all
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's funny that most or all men who rage never seem to connect the dots that such behavior is such a turnoff to their partners. They're so busy blowing off steam to make themselves feel better that they never stop and think, "oh, I just verbally abused my partner, maybe that's why they're not romantically interested in me." You'd think people with at least an average IQ could put 2+2 together and get that easy answer.
This occurs in my life
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
O.W.W.,
Every time this sort of a situation happened here at my house, I had this 'mantra' that my thought patterns instantly reverted to : "Well, common sense would tell you. . . . ." "Well, common sense should tell you. . . . ." "Well, common sense would tell you. . . . ." "Well, common sense should tell you. . . . ."
My own way of thinking didn't really help matters and escalated many situations to a fevered pitch.
I can surely say, from my own end of these situations, it is not up to me to just get my mind to say "This is just the way it is Liz. You gotta accept it."
I can't - - -probably wont!
I did realize that saying things like "You'd think people with at least an average IQ could put 2+2 together and get that easy answer." is not very helpful. It surely infers that there is something wrong with the other person's IQ. Or, it goes to the argument that if I am right, you must be wrong.
If I start with myself anf my spouse, we have lots of dynamics going on in our relationship.
1 man. 1 woman.
1 extrovert. 1 introvert.
1 ADHD wired brain. 1 Non-ADHD wired brain.
1 person who likes to be busy from the moment they open their eyes in the AM till the moment the close them in the PM. 1 person who who enjoys down time and likes to stop and smell the roses.
1 free thinker. 1 bean-counter.
1 person who sets their schedule by the 'fly by the seat of their pants' method. 1 person who is goal oriented, with a plan of action - that can be adjusted and varied as needed.
In all these things, at 56 years of age, I know that I know that I know that more of my life is behind me than ahead of me. And I am choosing not to perpetuate battles that go no where but Uglyville.
This feeling of "I'm wrong" and/or "My idea in not worthy" and/or "I don't have a leg to stand on" . . . have gone to the wayside. I honor and value and embrace my ideas. The road to joy for me is to simply take the road to joy.
Very truly,
Liz
I would never say....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I would never say something like, "you'd think someone with at least an average IQ ....."
I was just posting that fact here.
However, I would think to say something like, "when you've been nasty today, do you really think that I'm going to have any romantic feelings towards you tonight?" In fact, we had a therapist tell my H many years ago that men are like microwave oven...they can heat up for sex quickly. Women are more like slow-cookers that need all day to warm up to sex." His point was that if H isn't nice during the day, then I'm not warming up to sex.
The funny thing about ADHD people (and this is why I don't think ADHD often exists in isolation of other mental conditions) is that the same ADHD person has NO PROBLEM understanding that concept when it involves another couple. If my H heard that another husband was rude/nasty/short-tempered with his wife during the day, my H would quickly explain to that husband that, "you're being a jerk so no wonder your wife is turned off."
See.... They do understand the concept, when it's not in their backyard. The denial is so great.
As I've said many times before in this forum, I think that good parenting helps relieve some of these symptoms. When a young child is guided, lovingly told where he's going wrong, and lovingly trained, many of these issues are mitigated.
My H's parents' response to H's erratic behavior as a young boy was to drug him. They NEVER spoke to him about how his behaviors impacted others or how others would view him. NEVER. They never thought maybe to take a video of one of his outbursts so that they could kindly quietly show him later how it looks. The dad filmed nearly everything...parties, Christmas, etc. But if he had filmed a few outbursts and then softly, and patiently showed H (when H was calm), I'm sure that H would have thought, "oh my god, I had no idea that is what I look like. I must do what I can to change that."