Forum topic: Message to Melissa Orlov

Fri Jun 18th, 2010 - 1:05pm by renoir911

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Dear Mrs Orlov.

I am the husband (although forced into a separation now) of a lady who has recently been diagnosed through up to date, scientific tests.   However she has invalidated these results soon afterwards and that upset me greatly.   She now wants to be retested through her own Psychologist.   All the information I've come across this far on severe ADD (in writen and video format) show that if there is only "patient / Psychologist" intereaction, there is no one else there to really monitor what is said or isn't said to the Psychiatrist.   My question to you is as follows:

If a diagnosed ADD patient (severe ADD) can invalidate the diagnosis, how far will they go to invalidate other results just so they can "properly" lay all the blame on their partner ?

I am left out in the cold now, frustrated as ever about being unheard, in a uncompromising situation where I am made to feel like a bad person.   Is there any hope for people like me who desire so much to be a part of my wife's life as a husband, and shoulder to lean on.   I am stressed to the limit but try not to show it.   My doctor put me on indefinite medical leave and I don't like it.   I just need to hear some positive advice for once.   How many patients have you seen invalidate their ADD diagnosis to what end will they go to invalidate other "tests" for this relationship killer ?   If they do this to themselves and to their partner, what else are they capable of doing ?   Remember, I am now told that for a period of one year we are to live as room mates.   I am taking couselling and it helps me.   But I really want to know what drives a person to invalidate ADD results.  Is it because of "their need to be right at all costs?"   If so, where does that leave me?

I look forward to your new book.

Thank you.

Ren

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri Jun 18th, 2010 - 6:23pm

Ren - thank you for your heartfelt post. Your situation is a sad one. Unfortunately, the reality is that your wife is going to deal with her diagnosis as she is going to deal with it. Short of an all-family intervention, somewhat like what happens with alcoholics, there's not much you can do if she feels she doesn't want to be blamed. The sad part is that it suggests that she isn't interested in treating her ADHD, either, which means that she will continue to carry the burden of untreated ADHD with her when that's not at all necessary. The other possibility is that she genuinely believes that she's been misdiagnosed. For example, she has significant manic episodes, and she thinks she might have bi-polar, instead. Any time someone questions the diagnosis they just received, it is a good thing to get a second opinion. Diagnosis is an art, and it isn't always gotten right. Please know, however, that there aren't really any "up-to-date scientific tests" that always accurately identify ADHD. The diagnosis process is one in which the person with the ADHD is evaluated through a series of questions. The more the diagnoser knows about ADHD and other issues that look like ADHD, the more accurate the diagnosis. I see many, many people who either deny that they might have ADHD all together, or agree that they have it and deny that it impacts anyone but them. Both situations are tough to deal with. You can't make your wife do anything at all at this point (in fact, just your wanting her to do something probably ensures that she won't if you've just become separated and she's unhappy with you). So focus on what YOU can do. *learn all you can about ADHD and how to support someone who is just learning about ADHD. A good resource are the various Hallowell/Ratey books - Delivered from Distraction having a more adult bent. * start positioning yourself as a separated man - that is, one who doesn't have control over his wife or her medical diagnosis. * seek counseling. Choose a counselor who understands ADHD (ask specifically). If your wife doesn't end up having ADHD, then that knowledge is a "bonus" that doesn't need to be used. You're probably extremely frustrated at this point. Nonetheless, treat her with respect and as gently as you can. She deserves this sort of treatment, even if only for the reason that you have loved her deeply at some point. Best of luck with us. Please feel free to post here and get the support of others who have been in similar situations, as well as from me.

Submitted by renoir911 on Mon Jun 21st, 2010 - 4:55pm

Thank you so much for your response.   I really am tired of being punished and made out to be the bad guy.   I'm so tired.