Submitted by hcc on 02/10/2019.
I’m trapped in the hell of my ADHD husband and 18 yr old ADHD son at war. My husband and I have a relationship on the brink and this extra piece makes it all worse. I thought my husband would be sympathetic to my son since they share such similar struggles however the opposite happens. My husband cuts our son no slack for all the same things he does. Our son is in college and comes home most weekends ( a fact that amazes me since home is not a relaxing place to be for him). I feel completely helpless. I feel like like I’m being robbed from the very limited amount of time I ha e left with me son at home
I'm sorry this is happening.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry this is happening. I recall a time when I was talking with my then-husband about our older daughter, who was also diagnosed with ADHD. I can't remember the specific issue. I do remember expressing to my husband my surprise that he was not more sympathetic to our daughter, given that he behaved in very similar ways to her. I probably should not have been surprised, however, because I had already realized that lack of empathy and lack of self-awareness go along with his ADHD.
gives no 'It is an ADHD symptom' slack
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I know it is of little comfort but my ADHD wife and now 21 year old ADHD son spent years in ferocious argument. Often these arguments began with minor 'I forgot' non-compliance from my son which then mushroomed into titanic fights fueled by my wife's RSD/ODD/ADHD combination. Somehow these 'I forgot' issues are common behavior for my ADHD wife whereupon I am expected to accept the 'That's the way I am!' response but if my ADHD son exhibits the exact same behavior she delivers a 'You are irresponsible!' meltdown. When I attempt to calm things by suggesting she is overreacting (again) then I get several hours of ADHD-rage for 'Not supporting her!' She cuts my son no 'It is an ADHD symptom' slack that she herself routinely demands.
Thanks for this you do not know how much this means to me
Submitted by adhd32 on
My son was diagnosed as a young adult after things fell apart a few years into college when he moved off campus and had to take complete control of his life (no dining hall, no hall monitors, less routines, etc). It was an extremely stressful time as he was far from home and H had nothing supportive to say only blame. Since S and H exhibit ADD in completely different ways, H was in complete denial about his own condition even after it was explained to him that it is hereditary and likely he also had the condition.
Way before this meltdown, my H was always an absent father even while sitting in the same room with his children. He never initiated any heartfelt conversations or activities and never participated in their lives in any meaningful fatherly way. His only regular contact with the kids was when he sat at the dinner table preaching his monologue. When a break in the conversation came and the kids would try to say something he would claim they were interrupting and would harshly scold them. When I would react and say they weren't interested about Bob and Tom at his job or the guy who cut him off in line at the deli and maybe he should stop talking and ask them about what they did in school or scouts he would then scream that I was undermining his authority and I ALWAYS take "their" side. This became a regular routine. He never asked them or me about our day so over time we ate while he yammered on and left the table as soon as possible. This goes against the manners I was raised with but in order to preserve our sanity the rule to wait until everyone was finished was abandoned and we scattered asap. He never bothered to learn a damn thing about us even though we were sitting right in front of him, or ask anyone a question, he just yakked on and on about people we didn't know.
When my son reached middle school he seemed to become the focus of my H's ire. H would purposely pick on him for things he himself did like procrastinate, or forgetting things or not doing chores. S has inattentive ADD so his lackadaisical approach to everything got under H's hyperactive-impulsive ADD skin. H would pick on S and start arguments with him about things that had no significance or were beyond his control. H would criticize S's appearance, or the way he held a pen, or the way he used a knife to cut his food, or the way he walked (he has flat feet), or the activities he enjoyed. H would set ridiculous unrealistic punishments which he blurted out in a fit of anger and never followed through on yet he expected me to enforce them. I refused and told him that if he wanted to sit down and agree to a punishment then ok but I would not accept a responsibility monitoring a sanction that I did not agree with. H's father often punished him as a child for his behaviors and H had said to me at his mothers funeral that she never came to his defense. Yet, whenever I would do something he felt was overly generous or favoring the kids he would indicate that his parents did not do said thing for him. His protests were mostly unfounded and I told him I am not his like his parents and sometimes kindness and understanding is better than punishment. He never got it. He just claimed that I "always took their side" H blames our son for their lack of a relationship. They have no father/son bond and I put the blame on H since he was the parent and HE set the tone for the relationship. He had the power to make bonding experiences and chose not to do anything. He never went out of his way to engage either kid in any meaningful way. He is reaping what he sowed after all those years. One time he told me that he was envious of an acquaintance who had a very close relationship with his father and he wished he had had the same with his father. Although their roles would be reversed I pointed out that he could still have the bond with his son. When he had the chance to be something good he chose to put himself on a pedestal believing he was the be all that ended all and everyone else was insignificant.
The inability to interact.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi 32...Some minds are so self absorbed, (overwhelmed by their own lives) that they seemingly never find the ability to consider others in a real way (intimately personal level)...It is one of the saddest things I can think of...Men are worse than women by a long shot......I've made apologies over the years to my adult daughters (37 & 39) about this exact thing....I'm pretty sure I have hyper-active adhd on some level....I always took on way to much (jobs, hobbies, jobs at church, etc..)...And all the while, I didn't realize I needed to STOP, and make time to engage on a personal level of w/ my girls....I coached them in sports, and fixed their bicycles, and cook them meals etc...etc...But I didn't HEAR them....It's so sad...Thankfully I have a great relationship w/ them both now....And Thankfully they had an Awesome Mother...LIke you;)...
So what changed
Submitted by hcc on
what happened that changed you way of thinking? What made you realize what you had done wrong ? I’m so hoping that moment will happen for my husband. We have 2 non-ADHD daughters and my husband treats them better than our ADHD son. I’m sure this makes our son feel even worse since he is clearly old enough to be aware of this
So What happened?
Submitted by c ur self on
Just events...My daughter told me once when she was about 17 or 18 that she was scared of me...I was a disciplinary, from a home where discipline was handed out... My late wife (first wife) was a meek person who had little to no discipline, so she hated to attempt to discipline the girls...She would turn extremely anxious when she had to scold them....So Dad was the bad guy...I don't regret disciplining my children, but, I do wish I had been more attentive to them and what was going on in their little minds and world....We set up most of the night crying together and talking (the night she told me she was scared of me)...
Pride and the desire to feel good about ourselves makes it hard to face reality...(See Our True Selves), and confront our selves...If we think we are doing right, it's easy to justify things, or look over them.....I'm a Christian and the Holy Spirit calls me on the carpet (convicts me) about such things...So puking up my tendencies and facing up to the needs of the man in mirror had to happen....But it's been a process, because of my weak flesh....
c
IMO...You have one option....Tough Love...
Submitted by c ur self on
I handled this quiet poorly (Mothered, Jumped in the middle as the referee) when my adhd wife, and my adhd Son would tie up like to spoiled children....It's just another one of the many things in your marriage you will need to approach wisely....With boundaries and tough love....
IF I were you I would set them down (separately) and tell them your feelings about their childish and selfish interactions....(Husband) you can do nothing about...(Son) I would tell him, he must respect his Father, even when he don't agree....
I would tell both of them how much I loved them, but, that you will never jump into THEIR conflict, and that you will never allow yourself to be subjected to their disrespect for one another, and for you, in the home....And I would stick to it!!...Your a Wife and Mother, and if they watched you quietly pick up your purse and head out for a meal, shopping or movie ALONE, every time they started up....They might (just might) feel some regret about their childish actions...(After they blamed each other for your disappearance a while :))....And maybe grow up a bit.....I know one thing, the more you engage it, the worse it will be....
Just my thoughts...
c
It’s hard
Submitted by hcc on
practically this makes sense. Some weekends I would be gone for much of my son’s visits. My son had just gotten home this Saturday my husband greeted our son with a playful punch in the chest and a hey buddy. This immediately set our son off into a “dad don’t ever hit me like that again”. Some welcome home. Why is is husband not able to just give our son a hug? I really just don’t understand. I didn’t intervene in this exchange but my heart just aches for my son. My husband sets such a horrible example.
Your husband's raising....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your Son is 18 and entering adulthood....It sounds like he is sensitive (adhd can make the response worse, because adhd can cause words to be spoken quickly, w/o thought or even awareness at times ) to his Dad's way of engaging him....
There is a possibility your husband isn't equipped with a level of emotion to engage with calm hugs for his Son...And maybe for any male.... Possibly due to his childhood, and also the way his mind works...It sounds like he is not comfortable w/ calm hugs and greetings....I've seen it with many males....They grew up hard, (maybe never being hugged by a male) and they do not hug...I think a lot of times these type incidents are merely misunderstandings, of what the other is capable of....You see it through your eyes (what you are capable of) and that makes it difficult to not place those same expectations on someone else, who doesn't have your capabilities, to be able to mange their thoughts, feelings and behaviors in the same manner....
Try to not allow yourself to consider what you don't like (it's not as damaging to them as it is to you)...So you just give him that mama hug and kiss right after the punch..:)...If they go at it, remove yourself from their presents....It's pretty simple, we can't change others, but, we can cause ourselves a whole lot of pain when we try...
Blessings
c