I have been with my ADHD partner for 3 years I have 2 kids 1 from a previous relationship my older child a boy who is 8 and my daughter is 10 months. Sometimes I feel my partner does not like my son I know this is not true because my partner can be very kind to my son and takes him places and they can get along great, my son still has not come to terms with me and his dad breaking up he has had a hard time his dad who he still sees is not a good parent he is always letting him down and it's very hard to watch his dad still says stuff to him about when we were together he plays mind games with him, I try to make up for it by talking to him about it and explain things to him when he gets upset, my partner dosnt understand the emotional pain my son is going through and thinks he's cheeky and bold I do admit he can be cheeky but nothing extream my partner punishes him by putting him to his room or taking something from him and no longer consults me about it, sometimes he can be a bit harsh and when I say something he gets angry with me I try to tell him he's only a child and kids can be bold. We had a row the other day we were out in my partners parents house having dinner while waiting on dinner I put a film on for my son to watch and my partner didn't want to watch it but I said to him leave it on for the kids when I left the room to help with dinner a few mins later my son appeared in the kitchen I asked him what was wrong he told me my partner had turned the channel so I went in and asked him to turn the movie back on and he Wudnt he said it's crap I said maybe to u but kids like it now turn it back he refused so his mother came in and told him not to be so selfish and turn it back he became very angry and verbally abused me and his mother came into the kitchen and said to my son that's all your fault you caused that his mother told him not to speak to the child or me like that, I ignored him for the evening I was upset over it, he was very nice to me and my son later that evening playing and laughing with him as if nothing had happened. Just don't no how to Handle it and I worry he will be the same with our daughter when she's older
My ADHD partner can treat my son harshly
Submitted by Whip lash on 08/12/2014.
Whip lash
Submitted by Standing on
My son was also 8 years old when my add husband and I married. He is now 18, preparing to leave home, and has absolutely no use or care for my husband.
My son is a sweet, caring, sensitive, bright, loving, honorable, generous young man. He does not trust my husband as far as he could throw him and he is convinced that he will never change.
Harsh, yes. He was treated harshly. My impression is that my husband was jealous of my love for my youngest child and behaved like an envious sibling, constantly competing for attention and demanding his respect. It was awful. He behaved more like a young child and never grasped the fact that respect must be earned. He demanded it. For 10 years I ran interference, trying to keep the peace. When my son grew bigger and taller than him, my husband backed off, but the ages of 8-16 were a constant battlefield. I rarely look in retrospect at the should-haves, but this one chokes me up. I wish I had left when I saw his repeated badgering and bullying of my little boy who so could have benefited from the influence of a mature, emotionally balanced man. I sincerely do. I thought that I could manage it... and I did manage it, but the damages were done, to both my son and me.
My husband is, in many ways, like a 6 year old. In other ways, he's about the age of 12. And when confronted or denied something he wants - a tantrumming 2 year old. Managing all that does not leave much room for "fun" or anything that might build up a young person who's learning how to take his place in this world. Each time I'd think that my husband had finally learned, he'd prove me wrong. I have no positive side of this to offer you, sorry.
Hi Whip lash!
Submitted by c ur self on
My mom and Dad divorced when I was 5 my 2 brother's and I was raised by our mom...We all three have carried baggage and scares from not having a Father in the home to love and discipline us. I was a widower at age 50...So when my present wife and I got married, she had two son's in her 20's but had never been married. She raised the boy's by her self, with input from sister's and parents...I'm trying to make a point...Your children deserve to be loved, truly loved. They are children, and can't decide for themselves...Two things, one, it's impossible for a bond of respect, love and discipline to occur between your partner and your son, if you think you have to over see or control it...You, cannot let your son here and see emotional and verbal struggles between you two concerning him...he doesn't deserve it, he will grow up with a ton of baggage, not feeling loved...SAD! On the other hand, if you feel in your heart this man isn't stable and doesn't have the heart and maturity for this responsibility, then you need to make the right choice for the children...My present wife, had so much baggage and guilt because the boy's was raised without a Father, that her expectations and desire to control made it twice as hard as it should have been for the boy's and I to bond....Put the safety and well being of your precious children first...
You should consider nipping this one in the bud
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Whiplash,
Your post here brings up some red flags. You have a man in your life who is not your sons father who is punishing your son for what seems like a little boy's display of distress (being cheeky), and then being abusive in the home of his mother and not seeming to care who is around. This does not seem like the recipe for a healthy relationship. And you are already concerned about what he will do to your daughter? Do you really think you should keep him around that long? He is totally confusing your little boy by being nice one minute and a control freak in the next.
I don't usually give such strong advice, but in this case, where the wellbeing of children are concerned, I'd say you might want to find a better partner. One who knows how to treat you with respect in front of your children, and who honors a child's boundaries, and lets a kid be a kid.
Absolutely.
Submitted by Standing on
I completely agree with Nancie. Wish I had been able to share about the bullying here while it was occurring, so that I could have received such wise counsel. I stood in between, but the stress was horrible.
Thank you all for the
Submitted by Whip lash on
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me, it's very hard to walk away from my partner as I already have a child with him and I'm expecting again at the back of it all he's a good man he looks after me and my kids getting us what ever we need he's a hard worker and I feel I can help him my son is very important to me and I need to find a way of keeping the balance in the house it's fine most of the time and feel I've had a break true with my partner I've got some advice from my partners mum who is very supportive and understands what I'm going through I don't want my children goin through another break up I want to be able to help my partner and for him and my son to get along, it's not in my nature to walk away witout trying to solve or better the situation my kids of course my kids come first, and we have a great network of support from family. It's great I can talk to other people about this that have similar problems. My partner has agreed to go and talk to someone about his adhd and I feel with love and support we can resolve our problems as a family. Also standing I would like to know does your son blame you at all for what he went through and do you have a close relationship now? I have a very close relationship with my son and we do stuff together just me and him like cinema or goin for a meal he loves that sort of thing and I love my time together with him
Support network
Submitted by Standing on
Whip Lash, I did not have a support network of friends and family during the time when my children were young. It was just us and add. I do believe that this can make all the difference, but only if your husband is willing and eager to make some positive changes. If he resents you for protecting your son, or if he is envious of the close bond which you and your son share (both of which were factors in our case), there will be trouble. He absolutely must grow up in this area and then he will be in the position to set the example of a stable adult in the boy's life. The fact that they can have fun together will not make it okay. That is an illusion which fooled me for awhile. My husband's moodiness, erratic behavior, and inability to recognize boundaries/personal space and individual preferences took a serious toll.
No, my son does not blame me. We remain quite close (we are very much alike by nature) and he is a strong young man. I do not regret for an instant that I stood in the gap for him.
I've given alot of thought to c ur self's words re: relationships in blended families and I think that's solid advise for the average situation. add does not allow for average. I literally had to stand between my husband and my children and be the living boundary, otherwise his bully-on-the-playground routine would have escalated completely out of control. My mistake was in thinking that I could manage it. I should have insisted that we get help immediately.
I don't think my partner is
Submitted by Whip lash on
I don't think my partner is Jelious of my relationship with my son, it's just that he thinks my boy is cheeky and bold where I do admit he can be cheeky but I don't think he's bold he's just going through a hard time with his own dad, and I guess I try to make up for that and sometimes my partner will tell him off or sent him to his room witout consulting me and also my partner forgets that he's only a kid it's part of growing. I'm glad u and your son are still close. Did he see or have contact with his real dad growing up ?
Jealousy
Submitted by Standing on
Whip Lash, You may be correct in thinking that it's not jealousy causing your partner to want to control your son. Maybe it's his own insecurity, or remnants of how he himself was treated as a boy, or some other internal conflict. Whatever it is - everything I've read and heard about how a step-parent can work toward blending a family instructs the adult NOT to move in and take charge of matters like discipline.
My son did not have any relationship with his own father, so that was not a factor, but I did feel alot of pressure on myself to make up for that fact and I was so very disappointed that my current husband did not step in the gap and help to foster a stable bond. My husband has since talked with me about the lack of a male role model in his own life as a child, as well as the bullying type behavior and lack of any long term attachments, since he was moved from place to place so much as a child. From my perspective, his interactions with my son were negative because my husband is unable to read social cues and to recognize another person as a unique individual. He has this philosophy that everyone is just like him and a sort of "collective mind" outlook on the rest of the world. I can't describe it very well, but he simply does not allow for individual personalities, and also can not empathise, so he's like a bull in a china shop when it comes to dealing with a sensitive or troubled person. People who have a thicker shell may see him as a bit eccentric, but anyone who gets in a bit closer recognizes that he does not see beneath the surface of others or connect with them in a genuine way. For awhile, I thought he might have asperger syndrome.
If it's possible, your son might benefit alot from some individual counseling, to help him sort through his struggles and to form a solid view of himself in the midst. Especially with other children in the picture, you have your hands very full! Maybe a male counselor, or family counseling, would give him extra support and relieve some of your own burden.
I have taught about
Submitted by Whip lash on
I have taught about counselling for my son might help his with his worries and help to get him through what he's going through with his own dad aswell he does not understand why his dad lets him down all the time he would make arrangements to bring him somewhere or spend time with him and at the last minute he would let him down or not bother collecting him, my son blames me for this and I understand why he needs to express his anger somewhere. My partner was diagnosed as a child and he did have a lot of disapline growing up and routine, I've spoken to his mother about this and it was the only way she could cope with him as a child. So I think you could be right I'm saying maybe it was the way he was brought up but he was a different to my son who does not have adhd and does not need as much disapline and routine. Did u send your boy for counselling? Again thanks for listening
No, my son did not have
Submitted by Standing on
No, my son did not have counseling, but he did have me and one of his sisters, who still lived at home with us at that time. We gave him an outlet for his frustration, so that he never felt that he was alone in dealing with this. Looking back, I should have seen to it that we all went to family counseling together.
Whip Lash, you wrote earlier:
" I feel I can help him".
This concerns me, because I, too, thought that I could help my husband. The problem was - he did not want my help.
We cannot change our partners.
On edit: I hope that you will be able to get a good counselor for your son before he enters the pre-teenaged years, because then life can really get wild!