I have been with my partner for 4 years and after a few months I knew something wasn't right. I suggested he may have ADHD, he got checked out and was given a formal diagnosis at the age of 48. He is now on medication but has never been given any support or guidance on how to cope with situations. I have a 15 yr old daughter who used to get along with my partner and they used to laugh and be silly together, and although she often found him "too much, or annoying" they always bounced back from any negative situation. We have recently relocated to a different country and he seems more "too much" and she, more intolerant, they have been constantly bickering until the point at which he had an emotional outburst, involving shouting, hitting himself in the head and then getting upset. I told her that his behaviour was not acceptable and he needed to leave the home, as I don't want to expose her to this type of behaviour, and the disharmony was becoming an exhausting daily problem. I then began to research ADHD, and why someone would have such an outburst. It turns out that I have so much less knowledge than I thought I had about the condition, and for the 4 years I thought I was helping him, by telling him the right way to do things when he got them wrong, or nagging him to remember things and questioning why he does or doesn't do things, but it has only been making things worse. I feel so bad for him, knowing that all the time he was getting things wrong he was misguidedly trying to get it right. However my daughter wants to know when he is leaving as she says she's "done with him" she no longer speaks to him or stays in the same room as him, it has been this way for nearly 3 weeks now, our house is a very quiet sad one. After gaining my new insight I have organised a Dr appointment to arrange support, but today my daughter asked when is he leaving?? I don't know what to do, I feel stuck in the middle, I feel sad for him, I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel I'm being a bad parent if I let him stay.
You should consider living separate....
Submitted by c ur self on
You want me to tell you what you already know? No man who is 48 needs a women in order to live responsibly and care for himself...What you are getting from this relationship will never be worth the long term cost to you and your daughter!....Your efforts to manage his care is screaming Mothering!
You haven't said if you married this man or not...But, if you haven't you should get away from him...If he cares about you, he will understand, and still be available to date you and see you...If he is just there for the sex and for you to enable and mother him, you want see him again once you force him to be accountable for himself....
Don't be used!
c
She isn't as invested as you are
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am in a situation with some similarities to yours. My partner and I recently separated but we were together 20+ years. We have a teenage daughter together. Father and daughter do not get along particularly well. They butt heads all the time and she has resorted to the silent treatment many times over long periods of time. First, I just want to say that I have such sympathy for you - it is awful place to be in the middle of that.
I would say in this situation your daughter has a right to be upset. Your told her he would leave and she is listening (rightly) to your actions... that you are letting him stay. It's not just that words vs. actions disconnect, but on top of that, it may look like you are choosing him over her. That has to hurt. She has no romantic investment in this relationship like you do and has no added reason to care about WHY he behaves the way he does. She is just done with it as she has said. On the other hand, you love him and you see the potential now that you have an understanding of more of the symptoms and how you can help. Your daughter just won't care about that. She doesn't care why or if there's potential for improvement... she just wants out of the crazy. And that's valid.
This is really blunt but honestly, ADHD takes a LOT of time to treat behaviourally. There will be no quick fix regardless of the appointment you've made. His workarounds, habits and approach to life are entrenched. Not to say they can't be modified (only if HE is interested, of course), but it is really hard work. On the upside, he could definitely work on this and not live with you and your daughter. If he proves he is committed to improving and maintaining change in 6-12 months, there's no reason you can't consider living together again.